How do I know if my husband really wants to swing?

[EvilMJ]

Husband can be fun . Just as us they all have their quirks. Mine is very impatient and has short temper. A lot of people would say they could not live with someone like him. But over the years we have found that we have our ways of dealing with each other. I am a control freak and need to be the decision maker, it took me a while to loosen up the reins a bit and accept that he is part of the equation and gets just as much say as I do. I have learned not to bother him when he is tired as that is when he gets cranky. So I do not plan to sit in judgement of your hubby (especially when he cannot defend himself and we don't have his side of the story) - you said yourself you knew what you were getting into when you married him.

As far as the swinging aspect of things. I think you have to leave it in his court now. You have said you piece and he has to digest it. Continuing to nag (sorry I hate that word) him at this point will probably make him shut down and feel angry. You said yourself that he only likes to talk about such things in the bedroom, maybe you need to respect that and only broach the subject in the bedroom. Let him know that you have asked him and you will respect his decision and if the answer is no or not interested then you won't bring it up again.

Let us know how it goes. It may be that swinging is only a bedroom fantasy that gets him hot, not a reality he wants to explore.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by sapphire68

I agree that I probably shouldn't have brought up this other stuff about my husband in here. I should have stuck with the topic at hand. For the most part we do get along and we do agree on things. There are those times here and there that he gets really angry (maybe once per month) but he was that way before he ever met me so I can't see changing that part of him now.

It wasn't wrong to bring up that subject, but it was a call for a drift from your main concern.

This medium (internet, the forum) deprive us all from a lot of information we're able to gather when talking with people face to face, from things we give it from granted, to the point that we expose our toughts much the same way we'd do it when face to face, as if the other people were still able to gather that information. When we read a post, we're so used to gather that information "on the fly", without ever thinking of this as a task, that we let our brain fill the voids with things taken from our experience or imagination.

It is this way that we fall to conclude there should be something wrong in your relationship because of something you're ok with, but some of us wouldn't.

So, it isn't a mistake to provide information, the mistake is to provide partial information. Of course, deciding which piece of information is important for the understanding of the whole thing and which isn't, is not an easy task, so we all manage by doing this: clarifying our toughts post after post. Don't worry too much.

Originally Posted by sapphire68

As far as the topic of me with another man. I finally got up the courage to ask him about that yesterday and he didn't reply. Okay, so I sent him an e-mail. He barely talked to me last night and seemed chipper and in a great mood but never brought the subject up and never answered me. So I don't know?? I guess now I just wait until he wants to discuss it further OR maybe some of you are right in that we shouldn't consider anything like this at all since we need to fix some other areas in life.

As EvilJM said, now the ball is in his field. It is his turn to make his move, just give him time.

BTW, sending an e-mail was a clever move. Moreover, an advisable one and not only for your sort of relationship, but for all of us when a topic could become controversial. Writting down our toughts allow us to chose the proper words, re-read, elaborate our arguments the way we want them to mean for the other one, and give the other time to let those toughts fall in place before answering back, thus allowing us to do something we cannot when talking face to face and carried by our emotional reactions.

In fact, since you're ok with him being the way he is, but from time to time you have to deal with the odds, I'll dare to make a last comment about your relationship. I know you didn't ask for this advice, but I also believe this could be usefull for you, while sticking to your original premise of avoiding to change him. The only problem I see here is that you two lack of a way to call for a "time out", nor a place where to talk "as peers" durig that time out. Notice I said "to call" and not "to impose": you'd ask for a time out and allow him to choose when to give you that time out, picking a moment where he knows he's in the proper mood. In fact, this is what you did with your e-mail, but it may be worth to apply this concept in the other areas where the odds affects you, by making explicit the need for a time out from time to time, and the way to call for it.

And back to the subject, please, keep us posted on the progress you achieve with this tactic of you

[sapphire68]

Thanks MJ and Sereneiders

My husband talked to me today while on the phone. He said he didn't want to deal with that right now. He said (as he says about everything) that we don't have time to add this in to our life or our relationship right now and that he feels that maybe it's not the proper thing for us to do anyway since we are married. He said we can talk about it another time.

So I'm taking it that for now we won't be going ahead with this. I guess we will just leave it at a fantasy and that's fine with me.

I just don't like the idea that he feels we don't "have time" to add anything else to our lives. I feel that when it comes to him being with me intimately that he should make more time for that and not have that attitude about it, but that's another topic for another time.

Thanks for everyone who replied and gave me such excellent advice.

[fun4Ds]

Mrs.fun read your post yesterday while i was at work. We talked last night about this. She is on Intuitions side for the most part (womans club) They makes sense, when I can't.
Mrs.fun said something last night that kinda stuck with me this morning " sometimes we teach people how we want to be treated"

As for me, I have learned something over the years I call the barking dog syndrome.
A dog will bark fiercely and a reaction is caused.. usually fear. As with people, the person barking gets what they want rather it be do this, or that. Then the barking gets kinda normal and the fear is gone and the dog becomes annoying and it doesn't work. None the less, the dog keeps using the bark, because it has learned to bark.

I'm a guy and I deal with allot of guys at work. Yes I'm the leader, big job,heavy stress and very dangerous.. so does this barking syndrome work for me ? NO, not at all.. In fact, most guys would rather work for me than the asshole that barks all the time.

Does this barking dog work at home? Huh, not at all. I used to think so when the kids were young, but they are the ones that taught me about the barking dog. We now have a great relationship where we all can talk. Actually, my sons work with me and our daughter works with Mrs.fun (go figure)

Now as for getting to your swinging situation. Honestly, I'm gonna have to say not right now. This is very risky in your situation with your husband being as stressed as he is with things. It took us allot of talking to get where we are and there hasn't been any barking going on. You have to look at the possibilities of what could happen on that, once a month stress day for your husband. What if it were used against you. What if the kids overheard the discussion.

Personally I think you should do a lot of talking first and yes, TEST the situation first with some very light stuff before having sex with someone.

I don't know your husband and I would like to be on his side of things(mens club) But I think some help is needed on his part from what you say. I personally only know one couple who are in the situation that you are in, where he lets her go do her thing with other men as long as she is not.. bothering him. Its not a good relationship.