Wife sending me mixed messages - I don't understand how women are programmed

[mrapplication]

OK, it's been a long while since I have posted anything. Couple years ago we discussed swinging, but that's how far it got. I asked for advice on this forumn page and most women said I need to back off and let it progress on her terms and I agreed. Well it's been lets say 6 months and I haven't even brought up the subject. By the way, before I forget to say, we have been to lifestyle resort twice and love it. Even being at a resort with swingers nothing happened with other couples.

Well we seen Oraph's show on the lifestyle and I brought the subject up again and again she said not interested even if we found the perfect couple. OK, I can live with her decision and not upset at all about her decision. Keep this in mind this was Friday.

Well Saturday she sees a guy who she thinks is the hottest thing ever and makes many comments how good looking he is. She cannot take her eyes off of him. Important fact, he is 17 and my wife is 40. She calls him her "Pool Boy", because he is a lifeguard. Well while we were out she made the comment that she wanted to walk by him many times and then turned to me and said "I would fuck him once he turns 18 and I would let you watch. I smiled and didn't say anything else, thinking do not pressure her. Let her go at her own pace.

Why is she giving me two different impressions? How do I handle this? What's my next move?

[djjwp]

I've been asking that question for years...

My current wife of ten years...
We have been to Hedo II twice, had sex in the open while couples watch, we have had MFM soft encounters and hang with couples that are swingers as firends all the time but she still will not go full and will not admit to being a soft swinger. All I can say is take what you can get and be happy. She will come around in her own time.

My ex wife of 8 years...
My ex took two years to come around but after she got started, watch out!

[WesternSwing]

If I was to venture I'd say it is because it's her idea now, not yours. I would think that is a major difference. Everybody wants to believe what they are doing is their idea and they are not being told to, or cooerced into doing something.

Now, Mrs. WS says "she is all talk."

Mr. WS

[chattyroni]

I believe that women are programmed by society and religion to believe that they are not supposed to enjoy or even be interested in sex, except of course with their husband. Women face many conflicts. Women must be hot and sexy for their husbands, but not too hot and sexy or they'll be called a slut (and not in an endearing way). Women's body's are designed to enjoy sex, but we all know that only "bad girls" like sex, so we repress our natural instincts. Repression causes internal conflict. This is ingrained so strongly that we cannot even admit to ourselves that we could ever be attracted to any man other than our husband. I am an extremely sexual person, and have been for as long as I can remember. However, once I met my husband all of my sexuality became focussed on him, and I truly believed that I was not attracted in the least to any other man. So when my husband first mentioned swinging, I was appalled. After all, good girls, (the kind guys like to marry) don't do that sort of thing. And even though we had already been married for 15 years at the time, I still could not bring myself to do anything that I believed would threaten the status of my marriage. Fortunately we were able to discuss my feelings about this, because as my husband researched the lifestyle, he would tell me what he was learning and even read excerpts from the books to me. He never pushed, he just shared. It was during this open communication that I finally truly felt the meaning of life partner, and was able to realize that this lifestyle would not threaten my marriage, because my marriage was so much more than sex. We discussed the double standards too. My husband made me realize that it was actually natural for me to be sexual, and to want to be with other men. Even though he was not the one repressing me, he was the one to help release me from my repression and allow me to express my sexuality. Every woman should receive this gift. There are so many women out there that I would like to help de-program! My long winded 2 cents, Roni

[Andy100]

Originally Posted by chattyroni

I believe that women are programmed by society and religion to believe that they are not supposed to enjoy or even be interested in sex, except of course with their husband. Women face many conflicts. Women must be hot and sexy for their husbands, but not too hot and sexy or they'll be called a slut (and not in an endearing way). Women's body's are designed to enjoy sex, but we all know that only "bad girls" like sex, so we repress our natural instincts. Repression causes internal conflict. This is ingrained so strongly that we cannot even admit to ourselves that we could ever be attracted to any man other than our husband. I am an extremely sexual person, and have been for as long as I can remember. However, once I met my husband all of my sexuality became focussed on him, and I truly believed that I was not attracted in the least to any other man. So when my husband first mentioned swinging, I was appalled. After all, good girls, (the kind guys like to marry) don't do that sort of thing. And even though we had already been married for 15 years at the time, I still could not bring myself to do anything that I believed would threaten the status of my marriage. Fortunately we were able to discuss my feelings about this, because as my husband researched the lifestyle, he would tell me what he was learning and even read excerpts from the books to me. He never pushed, he just shared. It was during this open communication that I finally truly felt the meaning of life partner, and was able to realize that this lifestyle would not threaten my marriage, because my marriage was so much more than sex. We discussed the double standards too. My husband made me realize that it was actually natural for me to be sexual, and to want to be with other men. Even though he was not the one repressing me, he was the one to help release me from my repression and allow me to express my sexuality. Every woman should receive this gift. There are so many women out there that I would like to help de-program! My long winded 2 cents, Roni

Roni

Thankyou that was very well explained

[HotMoCpl]

Well, you'vehit it right on the head. I went through the same thing with my wife for quite a number of months. Then after she agreed, so long as it was at her own pace. Then one night out at a local club she did something she has never done before in the fifteen years + we've been together.....she made a comment about the door bouncer. Needless to say, I wasn't just shocked but got an instant woody, which I was almost unable to hide, sitting at a tall cocktail table. I did't press the issue at all and just let it settle in. That night....talk about hot and heavy sex! It went on for over an hour. To this day, periodically she grabs my hand and starts sucking the middle finger and goes absolutely balistic. flamethrow

[mrapplication]

Good explain Roni and I will read all of your comments to my wife tonight if the time is right. These mixed messages confuse the hell out of me. I never have approached her about her comment, because I know she will say I was only kidding. I know that nobody else knows what she is really thinking, but isn't this the first sign she is pondering it in her head? Reason being, I assume the first sign would be hints like this to see what my reaction would be.

Do I dare talk about her comment or continue being quite letting her to open up on her terms? I am wondering when do I start opening communcation about this.

[guddygirl_2only]

I was similar in this situation...When my hubby suggested this, I was not too sure...all it took was a talking about it with others we knew in the lifestyle and confidence in myself. It wasn't the lack of confidence I had in my husband, I know he loves me deeply, it was the confidence I had in myself...my insecurities and concerns. Once I worked through them...there really is no stopping us (except for lack of babysitters!). I can't pass a hottie--male or female--that I don't make a comment or suggestion.

Our first experience at a local Social was eyeopening and exillerating for Rob to say the least! He had NEVER seen me act and do the things I did that night! Nevertheless...he enjoys seeing me when we go out more than ever! I dress sexier for him...give him oral on the way to events...make sure he has all the attention he wants BEFORE we go into a place. It is our special time together before we go and play with others.

Maybe your wife's confidence in herself needed to be checked. Once she has found it...there may be some great times for the 2 of you ahead!
Good Luck!

Kisses
guddygirl

[chattyroni]

Originally Posted by mrapplication

Good explain Roni and I will read all of your comments to my wife tonight if the time is right. These mixed messages confuse the hell out of me. I never have approached her about her comment, because I know she will say I was only kidding. I know that nobody else knows what she is really thinking, but isn't this the first sign she is pondering it in her head? Reason being, I assume the first sign would be hints like this to see what my reaction would be.

Do I dare talk about her comment or continue being quite letting her to open up on her terms? I am wondering when do I start opening communcation about this.

I wouldn't confront her about the comment, but instead think of how you could've reacted differently to it to make her realize right away that you were not threatened by it and actually found it hot. If you encourage her when she makes that type of comment she will start to see that it is okay for her to have the feelings she is feeling, and that you are okay with it. It won't happen right away. I totally understand her saying she was just joking. Until she sees that it is really okay, there will be a part of her that is convinced that she is really just joking because she "should" be joking. And be patient. There are still some barriers that I have and I know my husband is still gradually trying to wear away. I've often wondered why he turns some totally non-sexual situation or conversation into something sexual, but now as I try to answer your question I understand. (I love it when that happens.) He knows that if he brings up a certain situation enough times, eventually I will become more comfortable with it - and he has proven it time and time again over the past few years. In the beginning we used to role play, but the characters were always strangers. He then slowly started introducing scenarios involving me and one of his friends. At first I was very uncomfortable with that. However every time he mentioned it I became a little more comfortable - to the point where I would then bring it up. So I think you should encourage the conversation, and try to keep it going when it happens. - Roni

[intuition897]

Roni, thank you for posting about your experience! I know many can relate to it, and just as many will find your insights invaluable. I'm one of those who can definitely relate!

Roni is right; don't confront. Just keep the topic alive in subtle, non-threatening ways. Find ways to simply let her know that her sexuality is totally sexy. That you LOVE that she gets aroused...period! That you are not threatened by any other man's ability to arouse her sexual interest. That you love her for more than just her physical attributes (for more than her ability to give you sex).

Initially (and I count myself among this number), women see the suggestion of swinging as their husbands taking something away from their sexual power. She feels that he wants her to give up control of her body, so that he can have authority over who has access to her. This gives a woman the sense that she is loved about as much as a sex toy that a man might use to jerk off with. She feels she has become an object to be passed around and manipulated...degraded even...for his pleasure. And she feels that if her pleasure is supposed to be important, it is only important because that's what gets him off, not because it pleases her.

This is the way women see this initially. What they don't see is that it's very much the opposite. Swinging is not something that was ever intended to belittle, disempower or degrade them. If it does so, it is in their own minds. That was perhaps the most shocking discovery I made: all the supposed injuries I suffered were of my own making. Mr. intuition897 never had any of the evil intentions I imagined. Not once. I was a victim because I told myself I was.

So how do I see things now? Now I see that he wasn't trying to take something away from me, but he was offering me a very precious gift. He was actually giving me back my sexuality to do with as I pleased, instead of hoarding it to himself as we are all told we are supposed to do when we marry. I suddenly had the right to become aroused by others if I wanted to. He was VERY okay with that! And this wasn't all about his pleasure, just because he came up with the idea. He really did want to see me living a happy and fulfilled life, and this was the motivation behind the suggestion. Not a selfish desire or a fetish. Okay, okay, so he enjoys it for himself too, but it really is 50/50. It is a completely equal partnership. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.

I just love my hubby!

[NCcoupl4fun]

my 2cents...
before we even had our first experiance my husband and i were so turned on just by the idea, just talking about it was enough to make us feel as though we were full fledged swingers at times...
maybe your wife is just getting a feel for it all, just give her time to adjust to the feeling (physical and emotional),etc of the whole thing, maybe one day she'll suprise you...

[janaandjames]

that you were not threatened by it and actually found it hot. If you encourage her when she makes that type of comment she will start to see that it is okay for her to have the feelings she is feeling, and that you are okay with it. It won't happen right away. I totally understand her saying she was just joking.


this is a great point
she needs to feel confident that she can say such things and that it wont come back to bite her.
no matter how much you tell her otherwise, she wont believe it until she knows by experience what she can say ... and that leads to what she can do.
just follow at her pace .. it will work out
but realize, once women get started swinging, they wont stop lol
jana

[Thrax]

How are woman programmed?

When you find out, publish your research and you'll be a millionaire, at minimum.

I'm JOKING, really ladies, I'm JOKING! :rollseyes

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Thrax

How are woman programmed?

When you find out, publish your research and you'll be a millionaire, at minimum.

I'm JOKING, really ladies, I'm JOKING! :rollseyes

Good to hear I was going to have to show you how evil I am and punish you... ....nothing like a good spanking.

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

Good to hear I was going to have to show you how evil I am and punish you... ....nothing like a good spanking.

Well, I don't think you can refute my contention that someone who "broke the code" as it were, and published it, would NOT be a millionaire. Hmmmm?
Maybe not.

As for the punishment angle, I'm intrigued a little as long as it doesn't involve excessive snow application or smackings with rancid cod. Oh well, seeing your location, I think it would be difficult to escape that. No? Convince me.