Husband says he wants to swing, but does he really?

[sweetnnasty]

Well hubby and I have been talking everynight for a good 4 to 6 hours a night about what we want from this, but now I am thinking he is changing his mind... we decided that we would write down the things that we want to happen and what can and can't happen, like a contract so to speak, and sign it stating that both of us agree to the terms and so we know that each of us understand the terms... well after signing it hubby started to act different, like he wasn't happy, I asked him before he signed it if it was what he really wanted, he smiled at me and said yes, but like I said after he did he got this look, I asked him if he wanted to call it off and he said no... now I feel that he is keeping something from me, but when I ask him he says that everything is fine... should I go by my gut feeling and keep trying to find out what's wrong or should I stop pushing him? Did we do the right thing? Thanks for listening, any advice would be helpful. Mrs. sweetnnasty

[JustAskJulie]

The only person who can really answer this is him, and hopefully you know him better than anyone. That said, guys are kinda funny and unless they tell you, you never know what they are really thinking (and some of them just aren't - or so they say).

The fact that you put down on paper what you want out of swinging, should in no way bind either of you to the idea that you have to swing. I would hope that in writing down your rules, one of them was that either of you could back out at any time if you don't feel comfortable.

It could just be that by putting it in writing it has made things "real" for him, rather than just fantasy. I would let the topic (swinging) lie for a while. Let him be the one to bring it back up, give him a few days, a week maybe even a couple and see how and when the topic returns (by his choice) and judge from there.

I wish I could be more help.

[biblonde]

Writing it down is actually a great idea! What I know about men is that they can get strange sometimes on certain things. Maybe it did set it into reality instead of just fantasy and it scared him a little. The not sure if he could really go through with it. My hubby had some doubts at first once we really started talking about it in the "for real" tense instead of the fantasy tense. Give him a little time to process what he is thinking. I know if I push mine to open up before he is ready I really never learn what he was really thinking. I agree with Julie...let him bring it back up and then maybe you could let him know that it is all a little scarry at first..after all this is a whole different kind of living from what most of us has been taught as being "right". Let him know that if he isnt ready that you are okay with that and even if he is never ready to follow through it is a fun fantasy. Best of luck to you both and I hope everything works out for you both. Just let him know that if and when he is ready to talk you will listen to whatever he has on his mind and dont push the issue.

[starlinn]

Dito to all of the above. My suggestion would be to step back, and let him bring it up again. I know that my hubby is an over analizer, and it takes him time to process what he is doing. I remember buying our first house. All the papers and info made him break out in a sweat and his hands are trembling when we were at closing. Some guys just dont want to make a mistake. I hope that it all works out. Please keep us posted.

[interested-05]

From this mans perspective, but maybe not from your husbands. It is quite possible that there may only be part of the agreement that he has a problem with, but it undoubtedly affects the entire agreement.
If both of you have never swung before, he may be feeling a little cold feet, and is afraid swinging will damage your relationship, or a bit of jealousy is rising.
My guess is that this contract is, as the others have said, a reality check for him. He may need to spend a couple weeks adjusting to the possibility that his wife maybe having sex with lots of people and he may be afraid he will be lucky to even meet someone to have sex with. If he had trouble dating women when he was single, (picking up women) he may need to learn how to meet people he wants to have sex with. AKA a self confidence issue when it comes to meeting potential partners.
If this is the case, he and you, need to start out very slowly, and you need to be very patient as your exploration developes. As you as a couple explore, the doors open a little wider with time and experience.
He may also feel you are miles ahead of him when it comes to the lifestyle and feels he will be left behind, talk, listen and be patient.

[intuition897]

Well hubby and I have been talking everynight for a good 4 to 6 hours a night about what we want from this
This is a very good start...
we decided that we would write down the things that we want to happen and what can and can't happen
again, great idea. Very creative, positive and productive...
like a contract so to speak
little red flag going up on that one...
and sign it stating that both of us agree to the terms and so we know that each of us understand the terms
...aaaaaand a big red flag on that one.
well after signing it hubby started to act different, like he wasn't happy
Not too surprising... As Julie suggested, perhaps putting such intimate and changeable things into a contract - something we are accustomed to associating with courts, lawyers, alimony, custodial issues, division of assets, etc. - kinda sucks the fun out of it. Brainstorming on paper is one thing, but signing your name to something you know that you don't even know all the questions to is a pretty scary prospect. Especially if you feel it may come up later to bite you in the ass, or that you now MUST agree to something because you agreed with it at one time. To continue on...
I asked him before he signed it if it was what he really wanted, he smiled at me and said yes, but like I said after he did he got this look, I asked him if he wanted to call it off and he said no...now I feel that he is keeping something from me, but when I ask him he says that everything is fine...
The guy loves you. He wants to make you happy, but setting one's partner free like this has got to be one of the scariest things one can do. He'll need your reassurance that you will not abuse the trust he's putting in you with this. He's asking you to perform open heart surgery here. Don't underestimate how much you can hurt one another.
should I go by my gut feeling and keep trying to find out what's wrong or should I stop pushing him?
Yes, listen to your gut feeling on this one. Ok, don't harass the poor guy but do make sure that he understands that you are concerned that you might inadvertantly do something that will hurt him, which you definitely do NOT want to do. Let him know what is most important to you.
Did we do the right thing?
Yes. As long as you're working together to deepen your relationship, and keep wanting to do the right thing, you're doing the right thing.

[good times]

I think what the others have said about your husbands feelings and their suggestions are good.

Whether you did the right thing by making your contract is really up to you. I can say it wouldn't have worked for us. When we were new to swinging, what we would or wouldn't do with others seemed to change by the minute. If we had written everything down we would have had a major case of writers cramp and used up several pencils and errasers. We found you never new how you were going to react to a situation until you had been there. In the end our rules got reduced to near nothing because a lot of them just weren't workable and others, it turned out, just weren't important.

Good luck, and let us know how this works out.

[Spoomonkey]

I read this earlier and had no idea how to answer it...

But I came back because I knew someone would have some great advice. I was right!

The idea of a contract is creative, but it is also so very "static" to me. We knew going in that the rules we started with were likely to change - and they did, quickly. I agree with the posts above - you've gotten some sage wisdom so far.

It may be that he agreed to parts of the "contract" that he doesn't really agree with. Maybe see how he feels about tearing it up?

Spoomonkey

[jstlkng]

Sorta sounds like us. Mrs. Jstlkng says she is willing to go anywhere, do anything and be anything I want as long as she has me...but when it gets right down to it the idea of another guys cock in her that causes her to get downright frearful that I have to get mine in some other woman and that puts the brakes on right away. Yet and still just talking about it and reading what others say here has enhanced our sex life beyond belief. The only difference in thinking about swinging and actually doing it is actually doing it and sometimes the thinking is just enough. At least it seems to be for her and that may just be what is stopping your man from going further. Me on the other hand...I'm ready right now...but I will never take the next step unless she says lets go for it. Let your man come around...someday he may just realize this is the best thing ever...and on the other hand maybe just thinking about it will be enough for both of you...

jstlkng...and wishing...and hoping

[two4youinswva]

For us, the "contract" wouldn't work too well.
We have found that our limits, desires, etc, to be extremely fluid, changing almost monthly. Like many, we started out with soft-swing, but moved on rather quickly. Having a contract would leave us feeling a little constrained, and we'd have to redo the contract every couple days.

Now, you guys appear to be verbally communicating a lot. That is great! Keep these lines open, and if there is a problem, he'll eventually let you in on it.

[WesternSwing]

My first reaction to your post is "you are making this more difficult then it needs to be". Of course, that is the experienced side of me speaking. When we were newbies we had rules, although we never went as far as to write them down in contract form. Also, we've pretty much thrown almost all those rules out the window now sans the most important ones, like always be honest with each other.

He may be feeling the same way. Swinging is not robotic, and by signing "contracts" about what can be done and what can't you are making it just so. It is okay and highly recommended to have rules set-up like "no seperate room swap" or "no cross contact". But to have too many, to regimented it makes it feel like work rather than play.

Mr. WS

[HotMoCpl]

Sounds like you both just signed a "post" nuctual (sp?) contract.