She will talk about it, but says doing it is a different thing

[spankem69]

Just a question for anyone who may have been where I am. My wife and I have discussed swinging off and on for about a year. I'm the one who brought it up and 9 x out of 10, I initiate the discussion. It has gone from " No way in hell, I won't even discuss it" (the wife) to very interesting talks. We've at least established that, on a fantasy level, we would want to watch the other get it on. She feels, however, that talking and doing are two totally different things. I agree. But to me, it stands to reason that if you're willing to talk about it to that point, there must be some level of intrest in maybe doing some day. Has anyone else started this way? Anyones input would be greatly appreciated.

[txduo2000]

We kind of started in the same way.

My husband and his ex-wife kind of dabbled in the interest and even went to an off-premise club a couple of times. But when he realized that she was fine with HER acting on the fantasy, but that it was off-limits to him, he put a halt to it all.

When he and I got together, and he first mentioned it to me, I thought the idea was repulsive. As time went by, however, I did agree to go to a club and we would verbalize the fantasies while we were making love. Over time, I agreed to go to clubs more often, then place ads up, then actually start meeting people. We also went to a house party where we did actually indulge in the group room. And even though we went slow, the jealousy and moral issues got to me and I put a stop to it. I would never ask my husband to allow me to partake in fantasy situations while he stood on the sidelines, but honestly, he was more interested in making me feel good, and being a part of it, than he was interested in "getting some" for himself. Even still, I began to feel used and "whored" out and so I called it off for a couple years.

We are back in it, and I feel much more comfortable and am comfortable with the fact that it was my idea to get back into it, and therefore don't feel "whored" out anymore. I still have issues with the moral aspect of it ... so I just don't participate strongly in religion activities (i.e., church, conferences) at this time. In my mind, I have to separate what I believe to be sin from righteousness.

It may take you some time. She may never come around, but she might. Just continue to communicate and talk about it. If she ever feels nervous about it, back off because the last think you want is for her to feel forced into it, or to feel that you are just trying to get her approval for screwing other women.

[Spoomonkey]

I have to agree with your wife - talking and doing are two totally different things. There is a hell of a step involved in going from "pillow talk" to "playmates" - and taking that step is a scary thing.

We started out with just talking - and we just talked together for a long time, then we dabbled on swigning date sites (talking the whole way) and then we talked to our first couple (for months!) before we did anything. At no time were we even 100% sure it would actually happen. There were nerves, fear, doubt - and the closer we got to that line without crossing it, the tougher it looked to get over.

You are one of the very few fortunate men who has a wife open enough to even discuss it. That is a great place to be! Consider how many of your friends wives would kick them to the couch immediately for even bringing it up! She may someday want to try that next step - or maybe she never will. Nothing wrong with either. The worst thing you can do is try to nudge her to, over and beyond that line.

Let her go at her pace. Otherwise, you may be going nowhere fast.

Spoomonkey

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by spankem69

She feels, however, that talking and doing are two totally different things. I agree. But to me, it stands to reason that if you're willing to talk about it to that point, there must be some level of intrest in maybe doing some day. Has anyone else started this way? Anyones input would be greatly appreciated.

We started in much the same way. For us, it was the fact that it was so accessible and easily realizable that made it such a huge turn-on. The idea that this could really, really happen! I recall a weekend we spent with the kids away some years ago. Although we never followed through with it (for various reasons), we stumbled upon the idea of including a female friend of mine in our bedroom play. She and her son stayed overnight (sleepover party for the kids) and we had a little too much wine and the topic came up. Now of course nothing happened 1) with kids in the house, and 2) because Mr. intuition wasn't home, but the thought was there! This raised some issues when I discussed it with him the next day, a lot of fears and insecurities, a lot of questions, but he was off for the weekend and the kids were away... Nothing else came from our lips for two days except talk of swinging. And we screwed like rabbits on speed. OMG, I was a tad raw after our humpathon.

Enough of my reverie, and on to your question. She's right: talk and action are two completely different things. Sometimes one is a precursor to the other, but often it is not! The cool thing about fantasy is that it is a safe way to indulge in things that, in the real world, are far less controllable than we are comfortable with. In fantasy, your partners are perfect. They only react the way you want them to, they only feel the way you want them to, and you never need to worry about disease, pregnancy, physical safety, etc. The real thing is messy and imperfect. Unless you're absolutely prepared for that, you're probably going to be disappointed.

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by spankem69

Just a question for anyone who may have been where I am. My wife and I have discussed swinging off and on for about a year. I'm the one who brought it up and 9 x out of 10, I initiate the discussion. It has gone from " No way in hell, I won't even discuss it" (the wife) to very interesting talks. We've at least established that, on a fantasy level, we would want to watch the other get it on. She feels, however, that talking and doing are two totally different things. I agree. But to me, it stands to reason that if you're willing to talk about it to that point, there must be some level of intrest in maybe doing some day. Has anyone else started this way? Anyones input would be greatly appreciated.

I've discussed several things very seriously with ABSOLUTELY NO intention of doing them. Being interested in something on an intellectual or emotional level does not mean you are willing to participate in it. I've had some long talks about homosexuality with some gay friends of mine. That doesn't mean I'm interested in trying it, only that I'm interested in their thoughts about why they do it and what it does for them. Your wife may talk to you about swinging, but only so she can understand your position. Even if she says "I would only do that if this, that, and the other thing", she is probably just stating her ideas on the subject, not that she is interested in following through some day. Until she says "hey, lets try that", talk is usually just talk.

[spankem69]

I haven't had much of a chance to respond to the ones who answered so this is a little late, but I do thank you for your responses. I think there is some truth to all of the answers I got. My honey & I have talked since then, & my suspisions about her intentions are true . She just doesn't want to feel pressured, which is understandable. But I think we may actually have a future with this hobby. Thankyou again.

[warkman]

We're in a similar boat at this time. I brought the subject up two years ago (with tremendous fear) and was met with a completely non judgmental yet not too encouraging (as far as her desire) reaction. I took this as a positive sign. She said that the idea of same room sex with others (either watching or involved) was not particularly appealing to her. Though she could fathom the idea of closed door swinging with trusted participants. We've been happily married for 15 years. I'm 52 and she is 47 and we've experienced enough life to feel confident that we share similar views about the "meaning" of sex and that it's not necessarily about never-ending devoted love. :rollseyes So I don't think there are hidden agendas.

Since that time, I've broached the subject with progressive frequency with similar results. I've shared some of the introductory threads on this forum with her and I would gauge her reaction as less than intrigued, though still non judgmental. She's definitely in the "I would like (i.e. am willing) to do this for you camp." She even said, "Why don't you make an appointment at an off premise club and we'll meet some people, talk and see what we think." We're in the Los Angeles area and I haven't been able to find an off premise club yet, however, I'm quite reluctant to proceed without a little more outward interest from her.

Sex seemingly is not as high up on her priority list as mine. She says it was on her mind a lot more when she was younger. And she doesn't quite understand/relate to my interest to see her pleasured by other people about whom we feel good.

So my current tact is to put swinging on the back burner for now, and try to figure a way (non pushy) to help her dial up her sexual awareness. I know she has issues about her weight and I think that plays into her desirability quotient. I'm more comfortable about expressing fantasies than she, and would love to make progress that area. It may not lead to swinging in the end, but will improve our communication and sex lives together.

[MJ&DD]

We too have had those same discussions for about 10 years now and yet the actual step into fantasyland has not been taken. There are times when she seemingly dares me to make it happen and then there are times when she comes off as totally repulsed by the idea. Just Thursday during a steamy lovemaking session she was calling me a tease for telling her how much I would love to see her in the middle of a hot MFM, she claimed I only bring it up to get her aroused but would never follow through. Then last night while we were out at a local pub she and her lowcut top had the attention a young friend of ours (whom she has publicly claimed to be her S.I.L.F.) She had even extended him an invite back to our home for a nightcap. I suppose he got wetfeet because he chose to go straight home after following us out of the bar. So it would have seemed she is ready to make that cerossover doesn't it? Well this morning while lounging in our hottub I made a playful generic comment about her possibly enjoying 2 cocks at once (I was even careful not make any specifiic references towards her young stud) and i was greeted with a look of disgust and told that I'm sick for constantly thinking that way. I've become somewhat used to this rollercoaster ride and I guess if it ever does happen the wait will have been worth it. Sometimes though I just wish I could walk in the door with someone and and force the issue to a head (or 2)

[DBL D]

Well, it didn't come up in our situation like that, I can tell you. But since we have been with a few couples, I thought there would be more talk about them during our time together with each other. Fem D has been really open with herself about what she wants, but not neccesarily with me. Since I'm such a go-getter it seems to hurt our chances of really getting into the lifestyle. At the same time I have to realize that the things that have happened to Fem D to get her to where she is today are monumental in her mind. The key has to be to take the lifestyle as slowly as she wants to take it, if at all. This is just something to be aware of.

I have always been a swinger at heart since I was a kid, and knew that I would be placing those feelings in a dark place for a long time, possibly forever, when I decided to marry her. Through some stroke of courage or fear or selfishness the subject has been broached and now if I have any hope of realizing my fantasies it has to be on her terms. Take what you are allowed to take and be happy. Hopefully your experience will grow to the point where it becomes easy to have it as a part of your lives.

Male D

[Chicup]

If you ever watch porn with your wife, get 'The Dinner Party' (not any of the sequels). We had been talking about our fantasies for quite some time and my wife ordered that movie with a few others. Its VERY well done and involves a group of swingers bringing a new couple into their group. Thats what really tipped her to stop talking about it and try it.

Never regretted it either

[spankem69]

Thanks for the tip Chicup. I may have to try that. Mrs. spankem has at least agreed to go to an off premise club at some point in the future, like when we can get a baby sitter for the night. I'm hopin' she'll enjoy it enough to want check things out furthur. But however it turns out, it's starting to become an interesting ride! And a fun one. facelick

[DBL D]

We saw that movie on regular TV recently. That scene at the party IS hilarious!

Male D

[HotMoCpl]

Yea, been there since the end of last October. At first it was amnisia, then she acted like she'd do it to please me. I asked her not to do that. If she would just say "NO" then I would put it to rest. She's treated me like a yoyo every time I try to discuss it....I wanted to discuss it because she NEVER said the magic word..."NO". In the past two weeks we've had a couple of serious discussions (while fairly sober) and I explained to her she need not appease me. If she would just say "yes" or "no" I would be satisfied either way. Well, she shocked me and said "YES". I discussed it further with her and she said it was okay with her. We discussed the disease and freaks and loosing or breaking comdoms issues for awhile and she appeared more relaxed about the swinging idea. Quite frankly, she's been quite randy about the idea ever since, so I believe I got an honest answer. Either way though, you can only go as fast as the slowest person. Don't push too hard with her. Just let her absorb it for awhile cause you never know if she'll change her mind or not. Be willing to accept the love you two have between you as a couple.

[DBL D]

I wanted to tell you that Fem D and I have discussed how my post made her feel. I should start by saying that this threads title applies to me as well. I don't want to have you understand that I think Fem D has to "get to where I am" in order for us to be successful swingers. My post made her feel like she will always be the bad guy and that I always am setting her up so I can blame her when we don't meet a couple, etc. I feel she's right-I Am Wrong!. I have to realize that my thoughts on where we'd like to be and what kind of a couple I want us to be viewed as are simply my fantasy and not reality based. Then I tend to promote my feelings in such a way as to make progress virtually impossible and then blame her.

I am ashamed that I have let her feel this way for so long. She is a wonderful and sensitive and smart lady who has a very difficult student in her class-ME! And I thought I was gonna be the teacher. Hah! Laughs on me.

Try to remember: This should be fun; not a pressure packed job.

Male D

[Mike and Jan]

DBL D,

I know exactly where you're coming from. My wife always feels like she's the one holding everybody back and it makes her willingness to explore more even lessened.

Maybe if some of us with wives on the same wave length got to know each other it'd make it more relaxing for them. Hey, we guys would sure have something in common and so would the wives.

And, Spankem? You guys live in Florida too. How old are you two?