Husband's father was a swinger, he doesn't want to follow...

[PotentialSwnger]

Okay Everyone!

Here is the situation...

I just recently introduced myself on the board. I had not talked to my hubby about my interest in swinging until yesterday!

He got online, after I had been on this site, and that's how he initially learned my interest in swinging. Not that I was hiding my interest from him, I just wanted to learn more about the lifestyle before I brought it to his attention. He approached me by saying, "I saw what you were looking at online." All I could do is smile, completely caught off guard, and wait for him to say something else.

He then, seductively, asked me, "Do you want to be a swinger? Do you want another mans penis?" While he was asking me these questions (and more) he was rubbing his crotch on me and kissing my neck!! After snapping out of the trance he had put me in, I told him that this was something I seriously wanted to discuss with him and learn his views on.

He listened to everything I had to say on the subject and I didn't get the reaction from him that I expected (which was for him to not give it a second thought and think that I am crazy). He actually sat and thought about it for a while with this being his response:

"I don't think that I could do it knowing that my father is a swinger. It is bad enough to know that your parents still have sex, but to walk in from high school, time after time, and witness my dad and step mom OBVIOUSLY flirting with two people that I had never seen before made it alot worse! My dad would hand me money and tell me to find somewhere to stay for the night while they "entertained" their company."

I had absolutely no reaction to that. I just stared not knowing if I should apologize for him having such an inconsiderate father or what.

I no longer know how to approach him on swinging since that statement. Should I even bother?

I'm sooooo confused!!!!

[stoutgatte]

Originally Posted by PotentialSwnger

his response:

"I don't think that I could do it knowing that my father is a swinger. It is bad enough to know that your parents still have sex, but to walk in from high school, time after time, and witness my dad and step mom OBVIOUSLY flirting with two people that I had never seen before made it alot worse! My dad would hand me money and tell me to find somewhere to stay for the night while they "entertained" their company."

My first reaction was drag him off to see a psychologist, but then again, most of them believe we (swingers) are a little too far off the beaten track anyway...

So that not really being an option (although I might explore it anyway), sit down and talk some more. Ask him if he's considering it, and if you should let it go... You can work on reassuring him that you will be more discreet about it. His parents should have been anyway, or they should have been really open about it and discussed it with him...

I'm at a loss for words to describe the emotions I felt when I read: "My dad would hand me money and tell me to find somewhere to stay for the night while they "entertained" their company." It started out as compassion towards him changing to anger at them for treating him so callously, almost dismissing him so they could have their pleasure. I'm pretty sure this left some serious emotional scars...

I'd be very wary of pushing the issue too far at the moment. But it sounds like he enjoys the fantasy, and by carrying on sharing your fantasy with him you will slowly (ie, years) allow him to become accustomed to the idea that you want it. He may never say, yeah, lets start playing, but you'll have many nights worth of really hot sex if his reaction is anything similar to what you first experienced...

[Spoomonkey]

Well...

Wow...

He definitely saw the bad side of swinging, that's for sure. We haven't met a couple that didn't seem to put their kids first, before their lifestyle. But, I am sure that it happens. It is pathetic that a parent would have such a disregard for their son, but I suppose it can happen. Wow... Go find a place to stay for the night??? That blows me away...

I would say that he has a very good reason for having a bad taste in his mouth about the lifestyle. But you have definitely opened an avenue of discussion for the two of you that may work it's way back here - and it may not. I wouldn't imagine that is the most important issue.

Tell him what you feel about the lifestyle; you interests and fantasies. Let him talk to you about his experience; his feelings and his anger. If nothing else, you will know a great deal more about each other, and that is always a good thing.

Will he ever think about the lifestyle? Who knows... I'm leaning towards "not any time soon."

Spoomonkey

[NNJBoomers]

Whew....certainly a different perspective on swinging.

[TeamSoBe]

Nuts don't fall far from the tree.

He seems to see swinging as something that a bad parent would do because for him it's associated with memories of his parents that he views as neglectful. Probably vowed at the time not to be such a jerk around his own children, that vow might have included swinging.

It's kind of a funny situation if you ask me. Seems to me like his version of it must be a lot funnier. As a kid he's growing up realizing his parents are swingers. During teenaged angst years. "Argh, that sucks, my parents suck, I'm going to do better" Then the wife he ends up with turns out to be a swinger just like his mom. I hope that he was lauging inside when he caught you checking out this site.

[Alura]

I'd suggest being very careful in dealing with your husband on the swinging issue. Still, you do not want to pass up this learning opportunity! Here is an aspect of which you were unaware which no doubt has a huge effect on your husband's personality and approach to life.

My thought is that y'all should talk about his experiences with his parents more than talking about swinging itself. Perhaps after sharing his thoughts on that with you, he'll be more open to swinging. If not, the least it can do is improve your communication with each other.

Your marriage is still young and y'all have many years ahead of you. Concentrate on sharing your most intimate thoughts, not making something happen.

Communication is important to marriage, vital to swinging.

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie]

He found this site via you already, so he knows it's here and hopefully he will spend some time reading through it. I think that if he were to do so he'd find that his father's actions were not that of the majority. I have encountered a few couples who care more about their swinging and sex than they do their own family (as his father obviously did) but that is not the norm by far.

I think it's important for him to understand that while this is how his father treated him it wasn't because he was a swinger but because he was a jerk.

[IndyGirl2004]

One of the most important responsbilities parents have to their children is to help to make them feel secure - at least in their own home - and to feel that they are a prority and not a bother. Feelings of abandonment and low self-esteem can result. My husband had a somewhat similar situation with his parents when he was a teenager and I can tell you that it has played a large part in how he is as an adult in sexual and non-sexual situations. It's something he still has to deal with and there are times when his buttons are definitely pushed with these memories. Please tread carefully here. Maybe you will be able to have your wish to be part of the lifestyle and he will be able to overcome any negative feelings he might have, but please be patient, don't push. Maybe you can show him the positve things involved. Dunno. Good luck and the best of wishes to you both.

[Elusive BiFem]

What a fantastic opportunity for you two! People talk all the time about communication, but as you said in one of your other post, most people are in their 30's, 40's, and 50's - some having spent years (or 2-3 marriages) learning how to communicate openly and honestly and now, here you are at an early age and early in your marriage with this golden opportunity presented to you. The opportunity to strengthen already strong bonds.

Personally, I would drop the idea of actually swinging for the time being and focus on the doors of communication that have been opened. After all, ya'll have been together several years and this is the first time he's mentioned something that obviously had a rather profound effect on him. Sounds to me like there is a lot of trust there.

Sure...read the board together, post together, fantasize together...but there's no need to be in any hurry to start swinging. Give him the space and the confidence to know you are there with him all the way (not that I think he doubts that) and I suspect the two of you will end up way ahead of the game. Someone else mentioned what a great time can be had from just the discussion based on his initial reactions. That alone is a good start.

Yeah...childhood traumas are the pits, but unfortunately, most of us have them in some form or fashion and it's just unfortunate that swinging was introduced to him in such a negative way. But with you at his side...I suspect all things are possible. - EBF

[stoutgatte]

Hmmm, well said (again) EBF...

[PotentialSwnger]

Ok... I last posted how I expressed my interest for the lifestyle to my hubby (thread title "Very Weird"). Those of you who read it may remember this:

"I don't think that I could do it knowing that my father is a swinger. It is bad enough to know that your parents still have sex, but to walk in from high school, time after time, and witness my dad and step mom OBVIOUSLY flirting with two people that I had never seen before made it alot worse! My dad would hand me money and tell me to find somewhere to stay for the night while they "entertained" their company."

Well....... We talk ALL THE TIME about the lifestyle now!!! Hubby has progressed to looking at sites and even POSTING PROFILES FOR US!!!

We have a few couples on yahoo that we chat with and hubby has sat for hours chatting with another hubby (who is wonderful enough to answer ALL of his MANY questions)!!

We have now decided to incorporate another girl to see how things go! He even said that if things go well with our girl and we both like it, he will consider a couple next!!!!

I'm very exited about this!! YAY!!!!

[duwannaball]

I'm so glad to hear things are working out for you. Good luck with your girl and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you meeting a couple. Thanks for the update! ~DD

[PotentialSwnger]

Thanx duwannaball!

[BradAndJanet]

Thanks for updating us, PS! I wish you happy times...

We'd love it if you'd consider attending the Columbus Meet Up in October.

-B

[JustAskJulie]

I went ahead and merged these two threads to make it a little easier.

Glad to see things are progressing for you and going well.