I am so happy I found this thread! My husband and I just started swinging, and the female from the other couple would say how much she wanted me to be honest with her - but, then when I did mention things that bothered me, she'd get defensive and cry and say I misunderstood - and, that I must not really know her. What I concluded is that she was telling my husband how much she cared for me to get closer to him - so, every time she did something that bothered me - he came back with "But, she really cares about you. She tells me all the time. It must be a mistake". Finally, she introduced me to another couple she'd been with (without asking me if I wanted to meet another swinging couple) after talking to them - I found out that she did the same thing with them. But, they had better control over it because they'd been swinging for a while and recognized her "type" immediately. After filling in the blanks and verifying her lies and confronting my husband (She'd been telling him "Don't tell her I said "fill in the blank", it'd hurt her feelings and I really don't want that) and getting the truth from him - I broke all contact with her. And, after reading this - I understand perfectly what she was about, and that IT HAS A NAME! Thankfully, we realized it in time and saved our marriage. I had just been calling it "a mind fuck" - now I know it was Gaslighting... Wow - thanks so much!
I have seen this happen to a couple that I love. Be it a man or a woman what she is doing is wrong and the way that your partner is responding to it is even more wrong. Remember, the contract is between you and him. She is not going to respect what you guys have unless he points her in that direction. Also, he should make sure that you are o.k. with things before he proceeds any further. Right now the "she is treating me like a god" side of your partner is kicking in. If she wants to be treated like a slut then put on your pimp suit and give her what she wants. Maybe she will realize that you are not the person to be messed with. If she still hangs around then pack his s&*^ up and send him over to her place to live.