Jump to content
butterfly1967

Yes, I cheated, but swinging is killing our relationship

Recommended Posts

Swinging is killing our relationship. I only do it because I (we) feel I owe him. He started this 5-6 years ago but I went behind his back and did it alone a few times with the same couple. Guess what I was looking for was friendship in the wrong place. But how long do I have to pay? Nothing means the same between us nothing is special anymore. At least that is how I feel.

 

I've tried talking to him and he knows how I feel but it doesn't stop. He lays on the guilt trip. When we are with other people there is always an excuse why it wasn't good enought, he's never fullfilled. So we keep doing it. I want to leave him but the guilt won't let me. I do still love him, just not the same as before. Plus he spends alot of time on an adult web site, which makes me feel like dirt and not enough for him. He says he's just looking and that I do please him.

 

I'm hurting so bad and am totaly lost. I'm getting to the point I hate him, I already do hate myself. But I just can't let go. Can someone please, please help me.

Share this post


Link to post

Bring him here and show him what you wrote. Or write it out again and show it to him. Sometimes seeing things in black and white help someone to really see what is going on.

 

At this point you both have made mistakes and done wrong things. Does he know about the times you went behind his back? Have you asked him what it is he really wants out of swinging? Is it just the sex? Is it permission for him to have sex with others? Have you told him you are at the point of wanting to leave if things don't change?

 

You mentioned things have really changed between the two of you, in what ways?

 

In order for any relationship to work, but especially one that involves swinging there has to be the utmost level of honesty and communication. It doesn't sound like you guys ever really had enough of either.

Share this post


Link to post

Oh wow... I am so sorry you're hurting.

 

As any other swinger on here would tell you, this isn't really swinging. You're just going through the motions to make him happy; but you're not happy.

 

By you choosing to play with other couple without his knowledge is cheating -- even if you did play with them once before. Maybe you willingly dragged them into playing with you because they thought he knew, and if they knew that your husband was unaware of your actions, shame on them, too.

 

Have you talked with your husband about quitting. Quitting for good. If you're not feeling a connection with him, it's time to stop and get to the point where you once again feel a connection with him. Usually, it's a breakdown of communication that is the breakdown of a good swinging relationship, but then, maybe there never was a good swinging relationship here to begin with. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's less than one percent of the population's married/committed relationships are able to withstand a swinging relationship as well. You both have to be on the same page or it just does not work, as you've found out.

 

You're the one that's letting him put on the guilt trip. You can't control his behavior or his reactions, but you can control yours. You have a say in this as well. You have every right to back out of this hobby/lifestyle or whatever you choose to call it and quit. If he lays on a guilt trip, so be it. Let him. What are you looking for in this relationship? What do you want it to be like in five years? Ten?

 

If you want to leave, guilt is no reason to stay. It sounds like there is something else keeping you there. Your feelings are your feelings. You have every right to them, but right now as your marriage stands, you need counseling or some other intervention to save this. Maybe just sitting at the kitchen table over coffee might straighten some things out, but probably not.

 

Do you ever talk about your marriage and feelings? Do you talk about other things other than marriage? Maybe work? kids? family?

 

Please come back because I'd love to hear more. It might also help if your husband read what you wrote here. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea to show him your feelings. If he has no idea you feel like this, there is no way he know how you feel.

 

Swinging has unfortunately magnified your unstable/one-sided relationship.

 

I really hope you two can work this out. My best to you both.

Share this post


Link to post

This sounds too much like a "tit for tat" issue. I think he is looking for an absolution to justify his feelings. Personally I think this is rather immature. I know you are hurting but does he realize you are hurting as much as you apparently are?

 

I think it's time to demand a stop. If he chooses not to, I hate to say it but it might be time to move on. I don't think he realizes how tough it really is out there in the vanilla dating world. He's cheating himself more than he realizes.

Share this post


Link to post

Swinging is only fun if everyone involved is doing so on their own volition. While I do empathize your feelings, you're ultimately responsible for it culminating to this point. You should never agree to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, regardless of for whom it is for. You need to divulge these feelings to him directly. If he leaves you for not indulging in his fantasies, then the relationship wasn't built on much else. And that's not good for anyone.

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you for trying to help. He didn't know when I did it, and I didn't like it then either. I just thought it would be my secret, he feels I took away his fantisy. This happened over four years ago and I have been paying for it for almost three years. It's never enough, Its all he seams to think about wants to meet people every chance we can every weekend and if we don't he's unbearable for days. As far as quiting that will never happen. He wants to meet a single lady us be with her a few times and then it will only be brought up every once in awhile. We can't find the right lady so it will never stop I don't believe any of it will ever stop or even lighten up. Not with how much time he spends on the site, it's everyday. Always looking and believes I should do the looking too. To make it all up to him. I know I made a huge mistake when I did what I did and by not telling him right away. I was scared and got caught up in something that made me feel wrong and didn't like but didn't know how to stop. I was afraid and lied to him because I didn't want to loose him, and I didn't want to do this but I knew he did. Thought if I said no it would stop.

Share this post


Link to post

No means no. If you don't want to partake then he needs to come to the table and communicate and, most importantly, compromise. I know that if my wife was as disinterested as you are in swinging, I could never keep on going. Her enjoyment is a major turn-on to me and without it, there isn't much at all.

Share this post


Link to post

When you met the couple alone, without his prior knowlege, did you think you were doing what he'd want you to do? Did you think this made you the 'swinging' wife he wanted?

 

If not, and you were simply experimenting alone, then you were cheating. But, if you think you were influenced by his wishes then it is a bit different. It was still wrong but not in a malicious way. Does this help a little? I hope so, you sound so down. And, seriously, don't be so hard on yourself! We're all supposed to be a little more understanding and open-minded than regular folks.

Share this post


Link to post

This lifestyle is great of those that have a close to perfect relationship in all ways. It will destroy a relationship that has an cracks in it and by what you have said there are more then a few cracks.

 

It is not the Swinging that is hurting your relationship, it is the two of you.

 

You both need to step out and work on the relationship and maybe, someday you can be part of this Lifestyle but I would not even think about it until you overcome your other problems.

 

If it was not swinging, it would be something else. You have things to work on.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks everyone. When I was with the other couple I thought then and still do, I was cheating, I was with them 5-6 times trying to find something but not sure what it was i did want to get even with him some how, was angree that I wasn't enough for him. I was just plain stupid. All this and we weren't even exclusive to each other. He wanted to try it all and I did it behind his back and lied about it. To say the least I have no back bone. Thought I could handle it, thought if I said no I would be enough for him, he would give it up for me. But I was wrong. And it kills me to see him with other women. There is noting special in the bed room anymore, sex is just sex now. And if I say something to him he says I owe him because he has not had exactly what I had, sex move for sex move. He's done it all with other women in front of me but only one time he did it all with one woman but he wants it multible times with the same woman. I'm not trying to blame it all on him I did my fare share, but how do I resolve this? I have read every word you have writen and am trying to figure out what to do. I am trying to tell you everything, to tell the truth, so again I thank you all for your help.

Share this post


Link to post

How is it that he feels you took away the fantasy? Was it that you were with this couple without him being able to participate that took away the fantasy?

 

I agree with others at this point it is "tit for tat". Sadly, you are in a broken relationship and there is not much anyone here can do to help you fix it. For it to be fixed both of you have to see it as broken and from what you say, he does not see it that way.

 

Again, I suggest that you bring him here and show him what you have written (as well as the responses). I'd love to see him share his thoughts as well. Perhaps in doing so it can get you started communicating in a better light.

Share this post


Link to post

What Julie said, in spades.

 

We can't fix it for you. We can tell you it is badly broken. There's no question of that. It then becomes a question of what do you want to do about it? The choices are three; (2) live with it as is (which is killing you), (2) decide to commit to fixing it, or (3) leave it. Everything you do is predicated on making a decision on that question.

Share this post


Link to post

BB is right! You've beat yourself up and beat this issue to death. He's laid out your options clearly and it's now time to make decision. Of course, doing nothing is a decision too. You can wallow in your guilt and pain or you can act. Nothing will change for you unless you change it. Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post

Butterfly, before you become too judgemental of your husband or critical of your situation, I might encourage you to get a paperback copy of John Gray's book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" ... I honestly think that IF you understood your husband's attitude & actions more, it wouldn't bother you as badly. In fact, you might find it a bit humorous. I suggest doing a research on this book, read some exerpts from the book, and then if it seems interesting, buy the book and read it.

My wife and I read it 7-8 years ago; we understand a lot more about the differences in the way males & females think and respond to things. Take care ... Mac

Share this post


Link to post

I can understand how you feel. But I also know where your husband is comming from. I was cheated on by someone I was deeply in love with. When your trust is betrayed like that, not only does your heart break, your own self-worth and self-esteem are damaged as well. The pain you feel is indescribable and the fierce desire for revenge is unrelenting. But what he doesn't realize is no amount of revenge will erase the pain. That is why it is never enough for him, it isn't making the pain subside. It may never go away and most definately if he doesn't seek professional help. A good marriage counselor who specializes in sexual dysfunction is my advise to you both. Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post

Butterfly, IMO, what you have here is relationship problems, not swinging problems. I may disagree with some swinging practices, but I really don't think that swinging, in and of itself, causes any problems in a good , honest relationship. Those people that I know , who are swingers seem to have excellent relationships, with complete ly honest and open communication. Unfortunately your relationship isn't that way. I would suggest, like IvoryManiac says that BOTH of you seek professional relationship counseling. None of us are in any position to offer anything but our own experiences and vague suggestions. For your problems with resentment and infidelity, it would take a trained counselor to help you sort things out. Good Luck to you

Share this post


Link to post

Butterfly, you made a mistake by cheating on him. Mistakes are what humans do. He has made a mistake by dealing with your mistake through revenge rather than communication. Mistakes aren't solved by more mistakes. Cheating isn't solved by revenge, by guilt, by not listening. It's only solved by listening, understanding, and forgiveness.

 

As others have said, you aren't swinging. These are relationship mistakes. You cheated, he revenged by laying a guilt trip that he won't let go of. Neither of those have brought you happiness, neither have brought you closer. It is possible to use a mistake like cheating to bring two closer together. Why did you cheat? If you can be completely honest about that, both you and he will know and perhaps understand. If you were looking for something you weren't getting in your marriage, the two of you could work together to solve what you weren't getting.

 

Or you can work to break up your marriage, which is the direction revenge generally follows. The choice is both of yours together. If you don't do this together, you're apart whether you stay married or not.

Share this post


Link to post

Every one of us makes mistakes. Some are especially bad mistakes but at some point it becomes necessary to FORGIVE YOURSELF. Beating yourself up for 5 years is way too long and you need to move on with your life.

 

One of the problems with trying to work this out is the other person has to forgive you and possibly they have to forgive themselves as well. Sometimes their own guilt causes them to take it out on somone else.

 

Take the time to find a counselor who will help you get past the guilt and hopefully your partner will agree to get help as well. If he simply is not interested in changing and moving forward with you, it may be necessary to live your life in the future rather than continuing to live in the past as you are now.

Share this post


Link to post

You will never be able to "make it up to him". He is using that as an excuse to rationalize his behavior. If he was going to forgive you he would, and it would be done with. He's using leverage against you to get what he wants. That's not love.

Share this post


Link to post

From your husband prospective is that he want you to suffer as much as it felt when you went behind his back and on top of that he wants payback/revenge of what you have done by trying to get a single female. He's never going to find the right girl because he's too wrap up in making you feel like he feels.

 

What I read at what you wrote overall should be written down for him to see clearly how you feel in this forum. You're married, so that means a partnership between you and your husband. If he can't respect your wishes over the situation, I think it's best to let go before you really hate him.

 

 

 

Thank you for trying to help. He didn't know when I did it, and I didn't like it then either. I just thought it would be my secret, he feels I took away his fantisy. This happened over four years ago and I have been paying for it for almost three years. It's never enough, Its all he seams to think about wants to meet people every chance we can every weekend and if we don't he's unbearable for days. As far as quiting that will never happen. He wants to meet a single lady us be with her a few times and then it will only be brought up every once in awhile. We can't find the right lady so it will never stop I don't believe any of it will ever stop or even lighten up. Not with how much time he spends on the site, it's everyday. Always looking and believes I should do the looking too. To make it all up to him. I know I made a huge mistake when I did what I did and by not telling him right away. I was scared and got caught up in something that made me feel wrong and didn't like but didn't know how to stop. I was afraid and lied to him because I didn't want to loose him, and I didn't want to do this but I knew he did. Thought if I said no it would stop.

Share this post


Link to post

Either he cares about what you feel and is willing to address it, or he doesn't. If the latter, then the relationship is already broken.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...