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KinkyKat

He refuses to let me in on the communications...

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Hi

 

In our relationship, when it comes to what turns on my partner, isn't just the sex it is more the fetish!

He doesn't really want to be with other women, unless they do like to wear stockings or pantihose.

 

I didn't know exactly how to help him with this so he has placed ads for single women enticing them to get a foot massage by him (He did post without my knowledge, I found out (computer history) and then approached him...?)

 

He is confusing me,

 

He said that since I told him to be creative and gave him to go ahead to attract a women(s) who likes to wear hose he went ahead and did.... BUT we also discussed that if we posted or replied to ads that we would show prior to doing so, so it wouldn't be a secret.

 

Anyways, he posted and said that he will meet with the woman if he gets replys and then somehow bring me into the picture. So I asked 'When were you going to let me know" you posted the ad, let alone meeting women alone to see if they are into his fetish. He said that I would have tried to alter his ad and that this is his fetish and that he is going forward to what he wants, and if I want to be involved then I am welcome to help him with his fantasy never really answering my question.

 

So I asked

"When you get a reply and decide to actually meet, where do I fit in?"

he says"I will meet her and then if it is a go, I will let you know"

He says, 'I have Nothing to hide"

 

So I asked if I could have to log in info to access his email that set up for meeting women.....

His answer is 'No"............but continues to repeat....."I'm not hiding anything from you"

I am confused....

 

Actually I am heartbroken.

 

I wear hose and stocking and boots and heels everyday, and not once has he offered to take my boots or shoes off and give my feet a massage. He said that his ad will attract women that are into his fetish and he wants me and more women at the same time to be participating in his fetish. He says his fetish is growing..

and admitted that this is a real obsession for him, posibily an addiction. That he wants more (like more than just me participating with him)

 

I have always know this, he would never be attracted to a women whos doesn't happen to be into hosery.

 

So I gave him the senerio that, he meets up with someone, they click and they decide to proceed foot massage leads too sex. He said that He would be telling the women that he has a partner, But he refuses to let me in on the communications that he is or will be having with others by giving me

access to his email.

 

I believe his actions do not match his words.

 

We are suppose to be going to this meet and greet tonight for people with fetishes, I sought it out for both of us.

Now I feel that I am being made a fool of, thinking that its more than likely that his fetish is stronger than being completely honest with me.

If he could only say that he enjoys our time, but would also like to be with other women on his own to filfill his fetish that would correspond more with his actions.

This unwillingness to share the email communication I feel is a big red flag for me. (We made an agreement not to post or reply without the other seeing")

 

So I guess it would be ok if I put my own personal ad and meet up with men or others to particiapte in something I like for me and the 2 of us BUT deny him access to correspondence(emails etc.) Because I don not have anything to hide dear, I just do not want you to see what is discussed. Yeah right.

 

BUT. I won't

Unless I am single

 

I feel betrayed, He is using the excuse/explanation, that I couldn't find a women for his fetish and he is not putting his fantasys or fetish on hold.

I never once implied that he should I even searched and found a group that we could explore for any of the fetishes that we have.

 

I think this may be the last straw......... even though we have a super duper sex life and are great friends.

 

I think he should just explore and entice this women on his own, because his actions are saying that this is what he wants but then confuses it all by denying that he is hiding anything,

and that he wouldn't get in a "scence/senerio" before giving me a heads up or involving me first.

 

I think I have said too much, but I am very upset by these actions, when I thought we were on the same page. I feel betrayed like I said.

 

If any one know anything about huge fetishes and how a person can get so obsessed about the fetish/addiction or whatever you wanna call it and how it can affect an relationship after reading the above I come here to the board to find info or advice.

 

thank you, and if I am rambling I do apologize,

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Fetish or swinging aside, there is a fundamental relationship breakdown. You and he made a pact and he's not holding up his end.

 

No matter what the issue is, it seems to me that he is pulling away and not wanting you involved. Hiding emails, the ad, meeting without your knowledge, etc. All of these are not honest, open communication.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem to be a very level-headed person who is doing all the giving.

 

Good luck and enjoy life.

 

Mrs. D

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Fetish or no fetish, what he is doing is called bullshit. I'll tell you the truth, I would not be suprised if he has not met up with women behind your back already. And this fetish...you wear hose daily and he doesn't notice? Hmmm. I don't know you or him, but I can tell you that what he is doing is just not good. Shelly

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I don't have any problem with the fetish thing and I think you are handling that admirably, it's the secret contact and hiding stuff that I think is a problem. He really is foolish to jeopardize his relationship with you to indulge his fetish on the side. Of course, we are only getting one side of the story, but it sounds like he is being a bitself-destructive.

I will let you in on a little factoid to understand his action (which doesn't make it right, just helps to understand it). It is very difficult for a male of the human species to cultivate a relationship with a female of the species who satisfies a particular fetish. Having an SO makes that 100 times more difficult. You can bet your bippy he isn't telling the other women about you either and doesn't want you to know about that.

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Hi KinkyKat,

 

Actions speak louder than words and judging by your view of the situation, it sounds like he's letting his fetish become an addiction.

 

Think of it like an alcoholic or any other addiction. He's doing anything to get his next fix. What you're giving him will never be enough. He's craving more.

 

My opinion, unless he realizes this and takes back control over his actions, your relationship is heading down a road to nowhere.

 

I hope you can resolve this but currently it's definitely an unhealthy situation.

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"I believe his actions do not match his words."

 

You are not being treated fairly or with respect and this one line says it all. Please, do not feel bad or bitchy or hung up about all that you have been dealing with. You have the good sense and the honesty and the forthrightness to be in a healthy lifestyle friendly relationship and he does not. That means both of you must work together to come to some understanding of his situation before you commit time and years to something that you value much more than he apparently does. though his behaviors may be less related to how he values you and more to some serious psychological issues he possesses, like a true sexual addiction. Fetishes can be fun and healthy, or they can be one expression of the kind of addictive disorders that disrupt and destroy relationships, whether it be sex, alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc. As a couple you guys have some profound decisions to make, and then after all of those issues are sorted out into their realities, then you may have personal decisions to make about your future.

For sure, this is an unhealthy situation for you, and whether he realizes it or not, for him. Just as such an addiction may cost him his relationship with you, next it could be his job, his family, or his friendships. Don't try to maintain the status quo, as it will only make you crazy. Get things on a track to improve and stay on that track.

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Hi

 

Thank you for everyones replies.

 

We have talked and talked and talked .....

He professed that I told him to find another women to help with his fetish senerio, which I did say. He also said that he could have posted from any computer and he knew that I would find it and didn't care because he is not hiding anything. He says that I have know for years that this fetish is just a part of his makeup and its not going to disappear which is obvious.

I asked him about the offering of foot massages on his 'ad' and how I don't get this offer. He says yes you do and you get more and yes we do have fun with his fetish and that yes I do fulfill his fetish because we just doin't do foot massage (if you know what I mean). The reason he is looking is for US to participate in this together and if he wanted to be decietful he doesn't need an ad to be so. He is a very attractive man and seriously gets hit on by lots of women so I guess he is right and we have been faithful for this long and the attraction is for more than one woman (me) to dominate him with the fetish, which I have known forever.

This fetish thing is simple but complicated and he wants me to really be a part of it and its up to him to bring this together for Us. He says that the ad was written as a lure to attract women who may possibly be into his fetish. He says that since I wasn't able yet to help him and I did give him the go ahead that he went ahead, he says he felt that I would want to censor the ad, and that the wording is a lure.

I told him that he should have let me help him write it because the only replys he has gotten was the one that I sent (hee hee) and we had a good laugh cause he just knew that it was me or thought so anyways.

That bring me to my issue of not having access to his account , but has agreed to let me view the responses but in reality I don't believe that until I see it.

I am very confused. The fetish does not involve him even really touching or even having actual sex (Foot domination) and that he would get off with me and another women or two or three hehee and just having the actual sex part with me.

He said as always that he would be more than happy to participate in what I want and really wants us to continue to have fun.

He promises that when he does get a chance to meet with another that would participate that they would have to be into having me involved or he says it will be a No Go. I guess it comes down to trust. I just know how intense this fetish is for him 24/7.

We went to a meet and greet last night and are invited to a private party next wkend, where hopefully together we can find a willing participant and I can get what I'm into together.

Our talks and talks are not done yet but like what Likethenights decsions need to be made and we are getting close. This fetish thing is more like an object than actual anything like sex.

I am still not comfortable in him meeting up with women own, and I feel that we should be doing this together, but he wants to see if he can find 'her" for Us since its his fetish and that I have to trust him on this.

I think that it is a matter that he would love for me to be with him for his fantasy that would be the best for him. I have always know this, but also I know that if I wasn't the type to be open to this that he would search to fulfill his fetish senerios alone regardless.

 

Bye for now :)

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I'm curious about the meet and greet you went to. Was it a swingers party? Are you particularly looking for soft swap? What do you tell the couples you meet that you are looking for? Are you indulging your fantasies and not just his?

 

You say his fetish doesn't involve any sexual activity, so I'm wondering where this falls into the swinging category. I would think you would be going to BDSM parties instead. To practice our flogging/bondage fetish, we go to a different type of get together, and there's no sex involved.

 

I guess the thing that hit us hardest about your initial post was it sounded like he was doing alot of things behind your back and not sharing. The swing lifestyle means complete open honesty and sharing of everything.

 

Just a bit confused.

 

Mrs. D

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Mr. Fun and I have the user names and accounts to everything to do with swinging. If one of us chats it up with someone/couple, we save those chats for the other to read.

 

The fact he won't give you access to the ads makes this ALL bad. Your next discussion should be short and sweet. Give me access to the emails/online ad, or that is it. Period. If he's not hiding anything, what gives?

 

He's using your own words to try to justify his actions, "you've known of this fetish," and "you said I could pursue it." These are true. What is NOT true is your agreeing to all the secrecy.

 

Any spouse who is doing anything behind their spouses back is BAD NEWS.

 

:(

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The fact he won't give you access to the ads makes this ALL bad. Your next discussion should be short and sweet. Give me access to the emails/online ad, or that is it. Period. If he's not hiding anything, what gives?

 

He's using your own words to try to justify his actions, "you've known of this fetish," and "you said I could pursue it." These are true. What is NOT true is your agreeing to all the secrecy.

 

Any spouse who is doing anything behind their spouses back is BAD NEWS.

 

:(

 

Well put, and I totally agree.

 

~Mrs. Sweet =)

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Hi and Thank you

 

Mrs. D ,the party that we went for the greet was for bdsm and it is off premise with the option of renting or sharing rooms that are equipped with equipment upstairs where you could add sex/pentatration.(I live in Canada and I know our laws are more grey and leitent) The reason being is that I am into experimenting more and learning more about bdsm and my partner wanted to go too cause he is too (we have only experimented together, no one eles involved. Actually his fetish is combined hosery and submission, and I thought that this would open doors to actually get fantasy/fetishes fulfilled and meet others who we click with so thats why were are checking this group out.

So with his ,there really doesn't have to be the actual act of sex, but we (him&I) do add the sex together, but we haven't yet found a 3rd or 4th to fulfill his fantasy. So when he tells me that he is going forward with his fetish with his ad

I understand and he assures me that , that is all he is going to do and if the women is not into me joining then he won't persue it, But he will not share the acccount information with me. (yet?)

I wanna know the real reason and I guess what I am saying is that I do trust him... but... his actions make me mistrust him. Like what is this a test of trust??

And Havefuninsun you are right and thanks for pointing out about how he is right on the first 2, that yes I know he has a fetish (lol) and yes I did say to find a participant, but We Also agreed that if we were going to post we would each have access to the account.

Do you really think I should give him an ultimatim in regards to either I have access or its see you later? I mean I am in the middle of this and sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees because this has gotten me emotionally upset. He did say "are you saying that you don't trust me?" and also "if you want to believe that I may not do as I said then your basciallly saying that you do not trust me"!! But I thought we agreed that we were doing this together? he says, "if I wait for you to do it that I was chicken to post an ad for him, that he has moved ahead and doing it himself. He did ask me to post for him a while back, but I said that "hey I will help but I'm not doing this without your input, and there we go.

I guess I am really confused, cause either I trust him or not.

But I feel that this definetly affecting me.

Do I give an ultimatim? I feel confused by his actions, but hey if his fetish is so Huge and it is like an obsession/addiction with him I can understand that he wants to control the fact that his fantasy is going to be fulfulled with or without me.

Actually the more I am writing now, I think he is being mean.

Ultimatim or Not is my question. Unless we come to the agreement by talking that no I am not insecure I only want to have access to the communications.

If I am rambling again sorry..........

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This is where I would tell my best friend to put her foot down and take charge. He is the submissive, so you take charge, find a 3rd or 4th person and fulfill all your fantasies, not just his.

 

I'm glad you were at a BDSM meet/greet, because a swing meet/greet wouldn't be a good idea. Anyhow, there are many ways to make this fantasy come true, and if you're both working together, then great.

 

You really should take control though before it gets out of hand.

 

Mrs. D

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Kinky -- he's still playing you with your own words, and turning them against you. It's FINE that he took the lead and posted an ad. If I came home today and Mr. Fun said, "baby -- I found these cool new swinger sites, and posted an ad" I would say "sweet! Let me take a look!" He THEN would say "our login name is bootylicious and our password is funforall" and I would have complete control in browsing the ad, making suggestions, checking out all the emails he sent, and read what was sent back.

 

He is not acting like a trusting person. So when he says "you don't trust me?" you can turn the words back on him and say, "well do you trust me? You do? OK -- give me the login name(s) and password(s) then."

 

I was married to a control freak who was an expert in manipulation. So I see this like the bright sunshine in the sky. And it pisses me off to no end.

 

When I say give him an ultimatum, I really mean to either play or not. And if he's truly that obsessed, maybe he has a problem and needs to seek help.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh. I hate seeing anyone manipulated. And when you're in the middle of it, it's so so SO hard to see it sometimes, and if he's quick on his feet with responses like my ex, having a battle of wits is hard. I always thought of the best comebacks about an hour later after I had time to think about things ... LOL! I have many talents, but that's not one.

 

Good luck. Please keep us posted.

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This relationship from the one side that i have read is over, it has went far past trust and respect, You my lady are now the "cake" that he can eat too. I assure you that he is not going to tell any one about you, or involve you in any situation that he finds himself into. The truth is in his words the "its my fetish and i'm doing it" Cut the rope and move on he soon enough will because you are not what he is interested in anymore. I know this sounds a bit harsh but i'm only calling it hte way i see it

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Hi

 

Well.... I appreciate your opinions and thank you so much! :)

 

Just to say that my partner is not submissive but is dominate in all areas of our sex life except for one of his hugest fetish. I usually play sub. But I agree with what you say in that I need to get this in control, because it has gotten out of hand. I tell him if he wants to be dominated then he can't be dominate while playing submissive. Its confusing really. Cause he is the one that got me turned on into bdsm with me in a submissive role, but gets disappointed at times that I'm not the perfect dominate for his fetish. (?)

 

We have gone to many on premise and off premise swing clubs and have shared several experiences such as mfm and fmf (we never have yet found a couple that we all click with yet, but I am hoping to next wkend.) , and both of us were single swingers before even we met. It wasn't until he was so stuck on ME finding him a women that would be into the 'fetish', and thats when I posted here when he decided to post on his own.

 

So really I guess we are leaning more to the fetish bdsm plus the swinging part, that was not always available at a swing club (at least the ones we attended)

So I guess we will be neebies at the 'party' next wkend and I hope to get some fulfillment of my own with him of course and I really hope this helps us.

 

FuninSun, you descirbe what you have with your partner, the openess of communication and how things should flow, the way that I want me&him to get to. I mean you hit the nail on the head about a "battle of the Wits" and by asking him if he trusts me is an awesome comeback hehee Thanks , you do have that talent for seeing through manipulation. You would think after what we have experienced together, that this trust issue shouldn't even be a concern. The posting of the ad is a control issue too on his part I believe.

 

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but I could post my own ad too eh?

Funny thing is when we were talking the other night and I was saying that all I have to do is talk to some women (maybe dominate women) and his fantasy of even 3 or more 'could' (I'm guessing) happen and we can all dominate him like he says he wants.

His reply was well I don't know if I ready for that much yet! too confusing.

 

I know I could maybe go to a forum where they concentrate on bdsm, but the thing is we are not newbies to swinging and I was thinking that I could post here. I have asked him to write his own reply or side of this many of a time , and I told him I posted my issue here and he isn't even curious to take a look at what I have written or what anyone thinks and was kinda insinuating that I couldn't think on my own and that I shouldn't need anyone's advice.

 

I will get access to the account or...........

 

Bye for now and maybe I will have good news for me&him after more talking and the party next wkend. Cheers

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Hi

 

Well.... I appreciate your opinions and thank you so much! :)

 

Just to say that my partner is not submissive but is dominate in all areas of our sex life except for one of his hugest fetish. I usually play sub. But I agree with what you say in that I need to get this in control, because it has gotten out of hand. I tell him if he wants to be dominated then he can't be dominate while playing submissive. Its confusing really. Cause he is the one that got me turned on into bdsm with me in a submissive role, but gets disappointed at times that I'm not the perfect dominate for his fetish. (?)

 

 

It may not be that you are not the perfect dom for his fetish. It may be that he can't totally get into the role of submission when the person topping him is usually the one he's topping. Does that make sense? (It sure seemed to in my mind anyway ;) lol )

 

Both my SO and I can be dominant. However, in the few years we've been together...I have only been the dom for him 1 time. It has nothing to do with my abilities, it has to do with him not wanting to be in the sub position. He enjoyed it the time we did it, but it hasn't happened since then (probably about a year now...we've been together abt 2.5 years). I do have a playmate that totally loves to be my bottom tho...so I do have an outlet to be a dom to his sub when the mood strikes me.

 

Again, probably nothing to do with your abilities/capabilities in the dom role, he just may not be able to picture you in his mind as anything but a sub with him, not a switch.

 

Good luck,

 

Maria :kissface:

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