A close friend and being outed by one

[sven_kirk]

Me and my SO finally went out to a local swing club last December. Well my SO decided to bring her best friend along also. We had a blast walking around talking, meeting people, and watching. Before all of this happens, we agree not to tell a living soul what we are/were doing.

Anybody want to take a wild guess what happened?

When we go over to her dads for x-mas, she tells what kind of club we went to. DOH! I had no idea she was going to tell him that. But I found out it was to cut out any rumors from her mom(her parents are divorced). Reason the rumors from her mom is that My SO best friend told her what kind of club we went to. I don't know exactly when the friend told her mom, but I am guessing before x-mas. Plus I suspecting that she told some coworkers of hers.

I am just at a loss of words. What is the appropriate thing to say to who?

[BettyAnnMBSC]

don't say anything to anyone. If someone brings it up just say "we go to all kinds of clubs - sometimes you never know what you're gonna walk into... this one time we went into a club and it was full of bikers.... Then it will sound as if you simply explore new clubs and didn't know what you were visiting. :-) "Who knew a swing club wasn't about dancing?"

As for the friend: she doesn't seem to be one to be trusted with sensitive information in the future. People like that can be good to have around (they will share information with others you wouldn't ordinarily announce yourself) but you have to be careful just what info they know....


Just my opinions...

[Alura]

Y'all need to have a chat with your friend to find out why she talked about your adventure. Only after understanding completely can you make an intelligent decision whether or not to continue the friendship.

Did she fully understand that going to the club was "TOP SECRET"?

Mr. Alura

[Brit_Pair]

Treat yourself to an industrial-sized staple gun . . .

[Elusive BiFem]

I'll give BettyAnn and Alura credit for their responses, and admit that their tactics are probably best, but I don't think I would be so inclined as to care to discuss the reasons for the blatant disregard for total discretion as had been discussed.

I mentioned this in another thread just recently...one of the dangers of swinging is that your definition of "discretion" may not be the same as others.

Apparently, ya'll had decided on telling "not a living soul" and a trust was violated, putting you in a rather sticky situation. Again, personally, once that trust has been violated for me...that relationship is over for all intents and purposes. Trust is paramount in ANY relationship, and particularly one involving swinging in which a person could be irreparably harmed.

So yeah...BettyAnn (especially) and Alura (even Brit_Pair) are right in their answers in terms of damage control...but damage control would be the end of the line for me.

- EBF

[wrnakedru]

Hello sven_kirk -

I must admit I am a bit confused as to who told who in your story. It sounded like you were saying your SO told her Dad, as a defense against what the SO's Mom might say. And that the SO's Mom might have something to say because the SO's best friend had told the SO's Mom about the three of you having gone to the swing club.

You express concerns about one of them having said something to coworkers as well; I am not clear which you think may have done this - but I'm guessing the SO's best friend.

Regardless, it does seem clear that your SO knew the best friend had spoken with the SO's Mom - and thus her conversation with her Dad. She evidently had a plan about how to handle it, since she brought it up to her Dad. Certainly, she knows her folks better than you and has her reasons for handling information as she does with them.

It could be that she felt confident you would not have a problem with her dealing with her folks in the manner she deemed best, and meant no disregard to you by not having discussed the matter with you first. Perhaps she felt that since the friend is hers and the parents are hers, this was a situation she needed to handle and so she did just that.

Some folks are just natural "sharers" of information, and do not mean any harm when they do so. Especially if they deem the information not to be of a harmful sort, and if they do not feel the person with whom they are sharing the information to be a wrong person to share information with. Some people don't even go that far in their thinking - they just tell stuff, especially anything they think others might find interesting. Again, they may not mean any harm - but unfortunately, harm can result.

Your SO was aware of the conversation between her Mom and her best friend. It may be that your SO thinks 'fronting' her friend regarding this will also be passed along to others, and may not be the best way to go. That is for the two of you to decide, taking into consideration what is best for the two of you.

I do think that for activity you and your SO want kept private it is probably best no one else is included - especially one without the same perceived standard of privacy.

[VegasLee]

I think my first question to you would be, When you stated that you agreed to "not tell anyone" was that agreed with the Friend or just with your SO?

Laura and I are very "out" so we don't tend to worry about anyone finding out about us.

We do not discuss our sex life with others, on or off line but when people ask if we are swingers/lifestyle we never hide it and always answer them truthfully. We do not give names of others that we party with or meet at the clubs or events, that is not my place to do that.

Since I have written many articles for magizines and newspapers that had my picture with them we do get asked by many people just in the general public.

My personal feeling is that I could never be involved in anything (swinging) if I felt I needed to hide it from my family, friends or people that I worked with. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

[yawanna]

It's one thing for your SO's best friend to share with whomever she chooses that SHE went to a swinger club. To share that she accompanied YOU two there... crossed the line. Discretion, never mind the agreement made to never tell, would have kept her from naming the people she went with.

Sounds like she inappropriately blurted the information to her mother, then felt obligated to tell her father, in case mother wanted to use the information as leverage (?) and also appears to no longer care that it was supposed to be kept a secret amongst the 3 of you.

Me? I'd be very and I'd tell her, and let her make the next steps to rectifying the situation and her behaviour before I'd even consider trusting her again with anything to be kept private.

VegasLee..... I think it's wonderful to live in a way that is upfront and honest and no skeletons in the closet. Many of us can't do that comfortably around our expanded sexuality. In our own situation, it's more a matter of respecting other people's moralities and living our life in a way that works for us, and doesn't hurt anyone else. That's our bottom line, which is different from being out and proud, in this activity anyway

[VegasLee]

" In our own situation, it's more a matter of respecting other people's moralities and living our life in a way that works for us, and doesn't hurt anyone else"

Not sure how to take that statement.

I have great respect for others moralities and the way they live. I dont run around Yelling I am a pervert! Repect me for it!

Life for us is about total respect for everyone, including ourself and our lifestyle. As you say, living our life so that others are not hurt.

Then again, I may have read what you wrote totally wrong

[yawanna]

oopss.. no offense meant! I was responding to your

My personal feeling is that I could never be involved in anything (swinging) if I felt I needed to hide it from my family, friends or people that I worked with. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

in a likened frame of reference... personal . We aren't prepared to share our activities with anyone who asks. That works for us. We know many couples who DO share this information about themselves with any and all, and hey... more power to them. It's all about what works for who

btw.... I enjoy your online publication

[jcbicouple]

We don't agree that she should have shared names of ANYONE there, but who she tells what SHE did, is up to her. Unfortunately, Whenever you tell anyone about what you are doing, you should keep in mind that EVERYONE has a "best friend" or person they "trust more than anyone" and so does the next person, and the next person. Anytime you choose to involve your everyday people/friends in this "lifestyle", you are taking a chance that they are going to feel comfortable enough to tell someone what they are doing/have done. We aren't saying that she should have associated your names with it, but your SO's friend is human and she probably just wanted someone to talk to.
Maybe you should talk to her and tell her how much it bothers you that she gave out your names and involved you after you agreed that it would be a secret. Let her know that just because she wants to tell people what she did: That she doesn't have the right to tell people what you did.
Good luck! Hope things work out for you!

[VegasLee]

yawanna

Ya, after I typed all that and submitted it I had a feeling I was not reading it right...... that is the bad things about boards, you do not get to "hear" what people are really saying sometimes.

That Canada accent will mess me up everytime.

Thanks for the comment on my site, that has become our passion around here.

[sven_kirk]

I just wanted to say thanks for all the posts. We all had a long talk about what happened a couple weeks ago, and I think that most of everything has been cleared up. And every thing is pretty good in that aspect.

[Vjklander]

Originally posted by VegasLee

My personal feeling is that I could never be involved in anything (swinging) if I felt I needed to hide it from my family, friends or people that I worked with. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I agree 100%. The plate on the Caddy MrsVjk drives is "ILVDS", and there is a Leather Pride sticker across the trunk lid.

There is also a "PROUD PARENT OF A SOLDIER" on both sides of the rear window.

J

[sven_kirk]

A couple hours later of posting this, I found out that Her mom was coming along to the club with us. It turned out pretty good. We all had a blast that night. What suprised me is that she wanted to go back the next night with us.

But I am out of my "freak-out" phase I think.