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  1. #16
    Swingers Board Addict BiloxiCouple's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alura View Post
    Okay, this post will be a serious one.

    I'd talk to him, just to find out what he has told her so that you will be prepared to keep any confidences that need be kept.

    "Say, Zeus! Since we know each other from PervertedSwingers.com, I'm wondering if Hera is aware of your swinging life. I'd hate to accidentally let something slip that might embarrass you."

    If you're honest and straightforward, you'll end up with the information you need to handle the situation in good taste.

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    I know Zeus and Hera, they don't play well with others
    There are fish in the water that haven't been caught yet.

  2. #17
    Swingers Board Addict bbarnsworth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by TNT View Post
    But, darn it, aren't any of you the curious types? Wouldn't you really want to know what the deal was for nothing else than to appease your curiosity? You wouldn't do anything with the information but wouldn't you want to know?
    Sure I'd like to know! Of course I'd be curious as all heck.

    There's lots and lots of things in this world I'm curious about but will never find out the answers to.

  3. #18
    Just a hick Okie Alura's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple View Post
    I know Zeus and Hera, they don't play well with others
    Thanks for the belly-laugh, Billy. It seemed to me they played well with almost everybody, especially Zeus. Hera, on the other hand could be a bit mean. That's even more reason for finding out the truth early, isn't it?

    Mr. Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
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  4. #19
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Pretty much what Alura just said. There is more to this than curiousity there is that knowledge that your own actions may be in his hands/brain/whatever. And since you have not personally told your friend about your activities or discussed swinging with her... then you want to know if she now knows because someone else has told her.

    I've had this happen to me before where one person knew some details about me that I didn't know they knew and they took it upon themselves to share said details about my lifestyle with another friend who was not yet privy to said details. It pissed me off and ended a potential friendship. So yes I'd want to know what the guy knows, especially if I have an idea that he knows and let him know that our mutual friend does not yet know (unless he told her). Otherwise he may make the assumption that since you are both on said site and he knows you swing and she knew you before he knew you that she already knows.

    To me the curiousity is less about them and more about knowing what they know about YOU. It's not about whether or not he still swings or whether they swing together and lastly is it about the potential of swinging with them. It is about maintaining discretion.

    So yes, I'd probably have the conversation that Alura described or I'd bring swinging up with both of them present in an inoccuous fashion just to see how they respond, it may open some new communication levels in your friendship and give you a way to share this part of yourselves with her (I'm not talking about swinging with them, just opening the friendship to a new level of honesty).

  5. #20
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alura View Post
    Okay, this post will be a serious one.

    I'd talk to him, just to find out what he has told her so that you will be prepared to keep any confidences that need be kept.

    "Say, Zeus! Since we know each other from PervertedSwingers.com, I'm wondering if Hera is aware of your swinging life. I'd hate to accidentally let something slip that might embarrass you."

    If you're honest and straightforward, you'll end up with the information you need to handle the situation in good taste.

    Mr. Alura
    Quote Originally Posted by JustAskJulie View Post
    Pretty much what Alura just said. There is more to this than curiousity there is that knowledge that your own actions may be in his hands/brain/whatever. And since you have not personally told your friend about your activities or discussed swinging with her... then you want to know if she now knows because someone else has told her.

    I've had this happen to me before where one person knew some details about me that I didn't know they knew and they took it upon themselves to share said details about my lifestyle with another friend who was not yet privy to said details. It pissed me off and ended a potential friendship. So yes I'd want to know what the guy knows, especially if I have an idea that he knows and let him know that our mutual friend does not yet know (unless he told her). Otherwise he may make the assumption that since you are both on said site and he knows you swing and she knew you before he knew you that she already knows.

    To me the curiousity is less about them and more about knowing what they know about YOU. It's not about whether or not he still swings or whether they swing together and lastly is it about the potential of swinging with them. It is about maintaining discretion.

    So yes, I'd probably have the conversation that Alura described or I'd bring swinging up with both of them present in an inoccuous fashion just to see how they respond, it may open some new communication levels in your friendship and give you a way to share this part of yourselves with her (I'm not talking about swinging with them, just opening the friendship to a new level of honesty).
    You two are GOOD!

    Personally, I see nothing wrong with approaching the one you know is a swinger and asking. Just because you have information, does not mean that you'll use it in anyway that would harm someone else and being up front usually saves harm to yourself as well.

    So, now I'll tell you what we did when in this situation and the results

    I emailed the one I knew was a swinger...letting him know that the only reason was because I was curious and we believed that discretion was key so I wasn't trying in any way to cause problems for him. Sure enough, he had recognized me at our first introduction (a couple of months ago) but knew the small town mentality and that discretion was paramount in swinging.

    I have not yet asked him if my friend knows of his swinging activities or what his intentions are in that matter...it's really none of my business as they are both adults. Yes, I'm still curious and will probably ask him (discreetly) the next time we see each other but, by being up-front with him I'm assured that he is a good man, understands swinging and will do the right thing by my friend and I'm assured that the information he has about us won't get out through him unless we tell him it's okay to tell.

    Where things lead from here...who knows??

    I thought it was an interesting scenario and one I was curious as to how others would handle it.


    Teresa
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  6. #21
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Did you let him know that his gf did not yet know about your own swinging activities? THat might be a lead in to whether or not she knows about his.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  7. #22
    Swingers Board Addict realcplub2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Ok, short of bookmarking the profile and seeing if he signs in on a regular basis, there is no real way of telling how active he is..

    Staying out of thier business is the best course of action, bringing up a vanilla reference to the lifestyle in ANY form can lead to outting yourselves..

    And short of doing that yourselves, its best to step and play the wait and see game, at least for a while


    DAMN, didnt see this went to 2 pages...

    Well since the cat was out of the bag, dunno which way would be best.. Talking to him about what she knows like Julie just suggested..
    Last edited by realcplub2; 10-01-2008 at 12:49 PM.
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  8. #23
    Way too opinionated The Fuse's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    I would consider this scenario equivalent to one where a friend is dating a guy who... shocker... might have other sexual relationships with consenting adults. The wrinkle is that he's a "swingle", but in many ways it's no different than when someone starts dating someone else casually... either one of them might have other things going on, unless they have decided to be exclusive. At least if the guy has a swinger profile, he might understand the difference between swinging and cheating.

    It is interesting, though. When anyone past their teens gets involved these days, there's a decent chance they have done things a serious partner might want to know about, if a relationship develops that far. So... you know he's a swinger, he knows you're a swinger, but your friend might or might not know her new beau is a swinger. Even if it's a secret for now, it doesn't have to mean anything is wrong or will result in hurt for anyone. It would be interesting to get an update on this if they get more serious!
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  9. #24
    I'll think about it LikeMinds321's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    I'd be giddy if I found this out! I'd be talking to MrLM about what I discovered and we'd have a good conversation over it.

    This kitty is fed by curiosity.

    I'd first consider our relationship with this couple and whether it was to continue, if so, on what level. Also I'd weigh in whether MrLM and I would ever consider swinging with them, if things ever developed to that point.

    I wouldn't be worried about whether the single male new we were swingers because our profile doesn't reveal enough about us for him to discover that. Even then, if he did, through other resources, I'd consider it no greater risk than what we have always prepared ourselves for. We have always understood that we can be found out and we'd have no idea by whom or what they would share with others.

    We wouldn't bring up any swinging topics with the couple unless they did so first, in which case we'd take it from there and go with the flow, handling the discussion as we see fit.

    I agree with others, what the couple's relationship is is their business, not ours. It would only become our business if they approached us about swinging with them.

    Over the years we've discovered a number of people on sites who we know (some have been clients who wrote to us) and we had no problem handling those situations. Some recognized us (way back when we were posting clear face pics of me...we learned from that experiene!) but others had no idea who we were and that the reason we said "no thank you" to a meet is because they were clients.

    It's not hard for me to keep a secret. But it's great fun to know a secret!

    Teresa, knowing that your profile has clear face pictures of you and Ted, I totally understand your reason for writing the single male. We'd do the same in your case.

    LM

  10. #25
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    TNT, I think you handled it very well. I would followup as others suggested to be sure he knows that the friend doesn't know about your lifestyle (as far as you know). I'm sure he doesn't want to be the one to share that info with her if you haven't yet.

  11. #26
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by JustAskJulie View Post
    Did you let him know that his gf did not yet know about your own swinging activities? THat might be a lead in to whether or not she knows about his.
    No I didn't.

    I feel very confident that he has not mentioned it to her...either his history or the fact that we're swingers. I don't necessarily want her to know about Ted and I but, it wouldn't be the end of the world if she did know either. She's not the type that would freak out and refuse to talk to me.


    Teresa
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    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  12. #27
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by realcplub2 View Post
    Ok, short of bookmarking the profile and seeing if he signs in on a regular basis, there is no real way of telling how active he is..
    Well yes there is...I don't know how active he is in playing (not my business) but, the ad site tells you the last time a person visited it...I know he's visited it every day this week.

    Well since the cat was out of the bag, dunno which way would be best.. Talking to him about what she knows like Julie just suggested..
    Which is exactly what I have every intention of doing...sorry, but I'm just a damn curious person and when I want to know something I try to find out...going to the source is usually the best thing to do.


    Teresa
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  13. #28
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fuse View Post
    So... you know he's a swinger, he knows you're a swinger, but your friend might or might not know her new beau is a swinger. Even if it's a secret for now, it doesn't have to mean anything is wrong or will result in hurt for anyone. It would be interesting to get an update on this if they get more serious!
    Exactly! Having interacted with him in a vanilla setting for a long time before I realized where the hell I knew him from, I've gotten to know him and he's just an upstanding type of guy. As I said, I'm not worried about him causing my friend any type of hurt...I feel he'll do what he has to when/if that time comes.


    Teresa
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  14. #29
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321 View Post
    I'd be giddy if I found this out! I'd be talking to MrLM about what I discovered and we'd have a good conversation over it.

    This kitty is fed by curiosity.

    I'd first consider our relationship with this couple and whether it was to continue, if so, on what level. Also I'd weigh in whether MrLM and I would ever consider swinging with them, if things ever developed to that point.

    I wouldn't be worried about whether the single male new we were swingers because our profile doesn't reveal enough about us for him to discover that. Even then, if he did, through other resources, I'd consider it no greater risk than what we have always prepared ourselves for. We have always understood that we can be found out and we'd have no idea by whom or what they would share with others.

    We wouldn't bring up any swinging topics with the couple unless they did so first, in which case we'd take it from there and go with the flow, handling the discussion as we see fit.

    I agree with others, what the couple's relationship is is their business, not ours. It would only become our business if they approached us about swinging with them.

    Over the years we've discovered a number of people on sites who we know (some have been clients who wrote to us) and we had no problem handling those situations. Some recognized us (way back when we were posting clear face pics of me...we learned from that experiene!) but others had no idea who we were and that the reason we said "no thank you" to a meet is because they were clients.

    It's not hard for me to keep a secret. But it's great fun to know a secret!

    Teresa, knowing that your profile has clear face pictures of you and Ted, I totally understand your reason for writing the single male. We'd do the same in your case.

    LM
    LOL Yep! I have no problems keeping secrets...If Ted and I were that worried about being outed, we'd never have face pics posted.

    The relationship with my friend and her new BF will remain exactly what it is right now...Friends...it might one day, depending on where their relationship heads lead to a Friends who can talk about swinging stuff but...chances of a Friends w/benefits/playing type of relationship...nope, probably never.


    Teresa
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  15. #30
    TNT
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    Default Re: Would you say anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by ic7175 View Post
    TNT, I think you handled it very well. I would followup as others suggested to be sure he knows that the friend doesn't know about your lifestyle (as far as you know). I'm sure he doesn't want to be the one to share that info with her if you haven't yet.

    Thank you If he had wanted to out us, he could have surely done that months ago...he has assured me he understands what discretion means.



    Teresa
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