Coming from San Francisco and not having kids and working for a large, liberal, multi-national company, we are out. Very out. Everyone who knows us well knows we're kinky and play with others. The folks I work with know. Even my boss knows. ( Went to a costume party he was at in full fetish leather complete with chains and whips etc. He looked at it and said. "Ahhh.... that's not a costume is it? His wife later asked where we met one of our girl friends. "At an orgy" was Sam's reply. "Sam" is my wife's nickname)
We're out but we are also very discrete about others. "Out" and "Open and Honest" does not preclude respecting confidentiality. We are scrupulous about confidentiality.
My question for the board is how "out" folks are about their lifestyle outside the very open and out San Francisco area.
We find life much easier being out. We don't worry about being "outed" and telling "white lies" about where we went when attending events. We try not to offend and push our lifestyle into someone's face but when asked a question we give a full and truthful answer. In general, as long as we're comfortable saying it without an attitude and without being pushy, they don't have a problem.
This leads to some great discussions with vanilla folks. Also, people interested in the lifestyle or leather scene know they can approach us. We've made some swing friends this way but more often play the role of mentor or coach, helping them get into the lifestyle.
BTW, the comment to my boss's wife wouldn't have been made to folks who weren't already aware of our play. That would be too pushy for us.
We are "out" to an extent. Most people who know us well know that I do adult sites (including my amateur site) for a living. Pretty much all of our good friends know about our lifestyle.
Since I work for myself I don't have the worry of a boss, but my last job was for an adult toystore so there, everyone knew. I think sometimes my old boss thought it was all his fault because we started all of this after I started working there.
Hubby's job is another story. He doesn't feel the need for people there to know. I think some of them know I design adult sites, but for the most part what people know is that I "design websites" and we leave it at that.
A year ago I took a class at the local college on "Internet Marketing". When introduction time came I just told everyone I did website design for a living and left it at that. It was a little difficult now and then when people wanted examples becuase I only have a few sites that aren't adult related that I've done. Towards the end of the semester they we had to do our final project, which was to create a marketing plan for an online business. Well rather than come up with something fake and waste my time I thought it would be better spent actually creating a marketing plan for a site I currently run, and chose this one. Needless to say, the last day of class everyone found out just what kind of sites I run. I got a 4.0 in the class and on my project so I guess I did ok. Looking back I almost think it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I'd just told them from the beginning "I do adult sites".
We're out as much as we think we can get away with. Family...uhhh NO! Well one exception, Maggie's brother. Who is wanting to attend the next social with us LOL.
Most our friends know we go to socials. Some question it from time to time. But, we wouldn't broach the subject with "new" friends. We don't bring it up with our "old" friends either. But, we do address it when they bring it up.
I guess we fall into the coach/mentor catagory also. We get hit with a lot of serious questions from our vanilla friends. And, have introduced a lot of people to the lifestyle over the last year.
Hmmm, due to the fact that we still have children at home and are very active with their school and live in a very, very small town, we are not out.
There is only one person who is not in the lifestyle that knows what we do, a close friend we invited to play with us, he passed on the opprotunity, but respects what we do and thinks that if it makes us happy then go for it, it just wasn't his thing.
The only other people whom we have told is my best friend...I had kept it from her for over two years, which was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, as next to my husband she is the one person I am closest to and whom I have always told everything...I had always said that if she ever asked, I would not lie about it...well she called one day stating that she had a very serious question for me...she was thinking about arranging a FMF threesome for her husband for his 41st birthday and wanted to know if I had ever done it...I asked if she wanted to know the truth, she said yes and I told her we had been in the lifestyle for quite a while...the result of that conversation is that now her husband and her are doing research and looking into the lifestyle, and I can once again tell my best friend everything, lol.
We feel that once our children are all grown (they are the only reason we keep things in the closet) and out of the house,(7 1/2 years left to go, lol) we really don't care who knows, including family, as we feel what we do together is our business and no one elses.
We are also "Not Out" because of our children. I just retired so I could care less what anyone at the workplace thought of our hobbies. However, you always must protect your interests where children are concerned. The DHS would absolutely delight in taking children away from anyone they deemed to be inappropriate parents. The pious asses... most don't even HAVE children.
Often, when we associate with regular, non-lifestyle friends, we both catch ourselves almost messing up and making a statement that would surely raise eyebrows! You have to be careful in those respects.
Then, my parents are big in their church and their community. I can see it now, them being barred from their positions and friends because of our lifestyle! Whether that happened or not, they'd never in a thousand years understand it.
We really enjoy communicating our thoughts and ideas with other swingers, but it's often a lonely path. Parties and playing guests are bright spots, but family, work, school.... all are of different priorities. They are basics, and whether we like it or not, they must come first and foremost. THEN playing... LOL
My wife and I keep our lifestyle as private as possible. We live in eastern Canada, a very conservative area by nature, plus my wife runs her own business and is adament this doesn't get out. I'd consider confiding in one or two close friends, but she's uncomfortable with that as well. Needless to say, having family know would be on par with catching the clap.
Aside from others in the lifestyle, our lips are sealed.
We have been in the lifestyle for nearly 20 years. We always kept our activities secret until 6 years ago when we decided to open a club. Not wanting our grown children to find out from another source we had them all over for a family dinner and dropped the bomb. To our utter delight our kids responded with 'What you chose to do is your business, we love you for who you are'.
Would we advise anyone to 'out themselvess'? NO
However, if someone you deeply care about should ask. We say be honest. They would not ask if they weren't pretty sure of the answer. And we feel anyone who cares for us deserves an honest answer to any question.
The people who love you will love you no matter what. Even the guy on death row has someone who loves him.
First of all, thanks for an insightful and intelligent response to the question posed by SagaCapt.
Secondly, I'd like to ask a question if I may. If you've seen some of our posts in previous threads, you may be aware my wife and I have been involved in the lifestyle for a few years now. She's an attractive woman who also happens to be a BBW. What I'm wondering is, do you have members in your club who share the same physical attributes -- in other words couples with a variety of shapes and sizes, outside the stereotypical image of slim and young so often depicted in swinging ads and sites.
CandianCouple...I know Pee Wee or Gail will answer your question for you, but I thought you would like to hear from someone who also goes to their club...YES...there are people there of all shapes and sizes and they are all beautiful people and some of the nicest people in the world at that. We have an absolute blast every time we go....
By the way Pee Wee and Gail, we're planning a trip over in a couple of weeks...so see you then.
Are we out about our lifestyle?
Most think we are fairly layed back,open people.Like the comment Stratecpl made about sometimes things slipping out raising eyebrows.Though we don't come right out and say we are swingers,where,who and what we do is not discussed.But comments are made by the hubby things like going to nude beaches,comments bringing a female home,and stuff like that.People laugh it off and often say he is lucky I am so easygoing about the stuff he says.They look like they wait for me to beat him about the head for it.LOL.They must wonder tho but we never come right out and say.
As to how OUT we are more Out than we want to be at this point, Yesterday our son wasn't feeling well at school and he told his teacher to e-mail us at this screen name and that its the one we use to visit the swingers board. needless to say when lea found this out she hit the roof, my poor son he didn't know that he said anything wrong. Now lea is dreading parent teacher confences next week. So sorry Julie but your site is now for those wooden swing sets lol .
Not just our club but most clubs are made up of the same people you see in the mall. Some big some small some rich some poor some tall some short some young some old. Swingers are first and foremost People and there is no mold for that.
As for the BBW our last winner in our Wife of the month competition fits well into that catagory.