Secrecy vs Discretion

[SunSignFun]

We are fairly new to the lifestyle but our choices are single males for 3 somes as he is bi and I (the female) am not. A situation came up at a social where a female felt she recognized him from somewhere and insisted on talking to him to "place" where she knew him from. He was put in a situation where he had to say it was at his work just to get her to leave. She saw that I was upset and followed him to the bar though it was obvious he wasn't interested in talking to her. The problem is when you're trying to be discreet, go to socials where the theme is for swinging so discretion and secrecy would be respected what can you do when someone chooses to "out" you. We're in fear that this individual will now come to his work and bring up the whole thing since she seems to think it was her business to "place" him. We had a single male as a guest as well as other friends at our table so it wasn't like we looked like we were looking or inviting attention from this woman. In fact my spouse mentioned he knew who she was and ignored her since he only recognized her and they really don't know each other by name (which IS being discrete in my book). We don't want our business public but now that she saw him, knows where he works and can find him and knows his boss etc its very stressful and I wondered how others would handle this.

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

I would have done the trusty old "Sorry, everybody says I look like someone they've met. I just have one of those 'face-shaped faces'. I look a little like everybody."

[JustAskJulie]

For me the answer goes back to.... they are there for the same reason you are. Just because she tried to talk to him doesn't mean she was necessarily interested in him. You say she could see you were upset but maybe she couldn't. Sometimes what seems like it should be obvious is easily missed by people who don't know you.

The fact that she was so intense on finding out WHERE she knew him from in no way means she will be indiscrete about it outside of the social, nor does it mean you have any reason to think that she will be. NOW, if he knew her from work to be the type of person who constantly talks about her own sexual (swinging) activities then yes you may have had a reason to be worried and a reason to try to avoid being placed.

When it comes to discretion, to me it comes down to you can ask what a person does for a living but it's a little over the line to ask where they do it (where they work). If they choose to give that information it's a different thing. In this situation your husband actually chose to give the information.

This whole situation goes back to the basic question that we see once a week... "what do we do if we meet someone we know at a club". You say hi and smile. They are there for the same reason you are. Enjoy.

[2inVT]

OK, let me see if I got this straight. At what you call a social - which I'm assuming is like a meet and greet? - someone thought they recognized your husband and talked to him, wondering how she knew him. Not sure why this is a problem.

Frankly, I'd be insulted and a bit offended if someone at a M&G knew me and ignored me or pretended they didn't know me.

Obviously, other swingers are going to have to know you're swingers. How else will you find playmates? The discretion and secrecy part would apply to non-swingers - they're the ones you don't want to know that you're swingers. In what way did this woman "out" you? If you're at a swingers gathering, the assumption IS that you're a swinger. It's extremely unlikely that this lady is going to show up at your husband's work and tell people that she saw you at a swingers party. What would be the point of that?

Running into people you already know is something that happens. I wouldn't go into panic mode over it. I would, however, think about being pleasant and friendly to everyone at a "social," regardless of whether they are what you're looking for or not. Snubbing or ignoring the ones you AREN'T interested in is something that other people will notice, and it might negatively affect how the people you ARE interested in see you.

[good times]

I agree with Julie and 2inVT, this is a non-issue and happens all the time.

If this is a problem that you can't get over I would reevaluate whether you really want to go to these socials or not.

After you are in the lifestyle for a while it is inevitable that you are going to run into vanilla acquaintances at swinging events and swinging acquaintances at vanilla events. The former has never caused any problems for us and I can't imagine it ever being a problem for the same reasons as the others have mentioned above. Running into swinging acquaintances while with vanilla friends in vanilla settings can be a little awkward until you get comfortable at handling it though. I can't tell you how often we have been asked by vanilla friends, "So, where do you know them from?".

[VanHlebar]

Originally Posted by good times

I can't tell you how often we have been asked by vanilla friends, "So, where do you know them from?".

We have gotten this question also many times. We usually tell them that we were out one night and we met them at a club we were at. This is close enough to the truth, and most of our vanilla friends know that we do get out to clubs every now and then so we could have met someone there.

As for running into co-workers while swinging this has started to become more of a concern to me lately. I used to own my own business for about 3 years or so. During that time I wasn't too concerned about running into friends or clients at our club as I have always subscribed to the same theory the Julie mentioned above, if they are there, they must be there for the same reason. I have actually come across two of my clients on Swing Lifestyle and Swappernet while I was running my business. Both of these clients lived within close range of me that it is nearly impossible for them to have not run across our profile online. I didn't worry too much about it as one was a single guy with his own business and well the other was a married man on the sight with he new girlfriend. So I didn't fear him outing me at all.

Now we are at today. I am currently looking for a new job, one that will most likely be an upper management type position with a fairly large company. MrsVan and I have talked and even though we have only G or PG rated pics withour faces on them in our public profiles, I still think we might end up removing our faces from them and keep faces only in our private galleries. This would only be for our profiles, as being in a very large company, it could be difficult if an employee that I don't even know runs across my profile online. They know me because of the position, but I don't know them because the company has 100s or even 1000s of employees.

-Van

[spectraschain]

They know me because of the position, but I don't know them because the company has 100s or even 1000s of employees.

I might add, when in IT or HR, everyone knows everybody's else's business. Who makes what, who got passed by, who's posted a resume anywhere...

It's not uncommon for an underling who may have had their toes nicked on someone else's climb up the ladder to oust someone, regardless of how it affects themselves...

Yeah, we'll go to Hedo, it's in Jamaica. The clubs, well..........

She's just not going to risk it.

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by VanHlebar

MrsVan and I have talked and even though we have only G or PG rated pics withour faces on them in our public profiles, I still think we might end up removing our faces from them and keep faces only in our private galleries. -Van

That's what we do, we only show our faces to people we want to see them

Mrs

[subtoMistressT]

This has happened to us a few times. As long as everyone is there for the same reason you have absolutely nothing to worry about.