"Oh, they're swingers you know"

[ALilOEverything]

I've mentioned in the past I've run into a few people on Swing Lifestyle of which we've known in the vanilla world. We live in a really small community where everyone knows everyone else's business. I had no idea how small this community was and how bad secrets leaked until the past couple weeks.

The first incident was a couple weeks ago where one person I knew from Swing Lifestyle was brought up by one of his co-workers and I mentioned I knew him and his wife (from my husband's work) and the first thing out of the woman's mouth was "you know they are swingers don't you". I sat in my seat surrounded by many of my co-workers... totally stunned. I said I didn't believe it and I asked how did she know. She went on to say how he confessed it to her one night. I was worried it was written all over my face that I knew already but I tried my hardest to act totally shocked.

So then the second time happened tonight. I was contacted by a fellow co-worker from Swing Lifestyle a few months ago and I was talking to another co-worker who brought her up. He mentioned he used to party with her and her husband but I sat there not saying a word.... and then he said it "Oh, they are swingers you know." So then my jaw dropped and once again I had to act totally shocked.

Has anyone else run into this? If you have, did you ever feel like you were guilty by association? I felt so paranoid wondering if they knew I knew... the second time I wondered if I was being felt out to see if I was shocked by it (I of course wondered if that's how he partied with them) or if that was something I would be interested in. I do have to say, even though I ran into them on Swing Lifestyle I never played with them.

[Greg & Sheryl]

We've never had anything like this happen to us, before, but we sympathize with your tough situation. It almost seems as if these people are trying, in a roundabout way, to let you know that they know you are a swinger. You seem to be handling the situation as well as it can be handled, so stick to your guns. You're under no obligation to confess anything to anyone.

[dutch51]

We haven't run into that yet, but I'm sure one of these days it'll happen. It actually sounds like something we were talking about one day. We're not ashamed of what we're doing, but still don't necessarily want the world to know our business, you know? When we tried to figure out what bothered us the most, I said I think it's because of the attitude that people treat you with if they have that info, or think they do. Like people at hubby's work who think that just because someone swings or has what appears to be a relaxed relationship, that anyone can come up to them, say anything or make all sorts of propositions. It shows such a lack of respect! We may swing with other couples, but that does *not* mean we're free with sexual favors and can be treated that way.

When the other people made their comments, did it seem like there was less respect or more judgement for that reason only? Sorry that happened to you- you shouldn't have to feel guilty...

M

[Cpl2SwingNC]

If I may, there is a quote that we as seeking to follow as much as humanly possible; "Never shit where you eat." Mixing work and other aspects, not just swinging, is and has always been a bad thing to do. We should strive to keep certain aspects of our lives as seperate as possible.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

The first incident was a couple weeks ago where one person I knew from Swing Lifestyle was brought up by one of his co-workers and I mentioned I knew him and his wife (from my husband's work) and the first thing out of the woman's mouth was "you know they are swingers don't you". I sat in my seat surrounded by many of my co-workers... totally stunned.

What disturbs me is that your co-worker mentioned this private bit of information in front of a group at work. This woman has to know that swinging is a hot topic, and information that most swingers hold private. Her garrulous announcement in front of the group was inconsiderate of the swingers. Do not trust her. Don't ever open up a conversation on the topic with her or she will again gab to other co-workers, only it will by you she is talking about next.

LM

[WesternSwing]

I think if someone said something like that to me I'd say to them "So?"

We haven't had that situation (although my wife thought the mailman at her old office might have known about us), but before we got into the lifestyle it came out that one of my wife's friends since childhood was a swinger with her husband. We thought, "cool, they are open-minded people who can be that secure in their marriage." Now others may not think that, but I'd wager that 50% of the people are saying to themselves "I wish my spouse was into that." Many don't understand, but they are also the ones with jealousy issues because they are insecure in their relationship.

People will always point out others different then themselves for any reason. As long as it doesn't interfere with their employment I'd say let the talk. But that is a good reason to not ever involve people you work with in your swinging activities.

I always have to privately smile to myself, though. In a staff meeting this morning talk came up of a visit to a client in New Orleans and this coworker was telling a story about getting flashed on Bourbon Street (not even Mardi Gras). I chuckled silently thinking "wow, that's my life every weekend."

Mr. WS

[Candy&Cane]

So? -would be my answer too.. I'd ask what they think and know about it.. and I'd tell them what I know.. Any questions? Yes the next question is probably ; do you swing?

I think I'd say I'm curious about the lifestyle,, *more talk* and when I think the other understands more, or gets curious, I'd confess; O well, we have had some small experiences...

But.. nobody would really be suprised I think. I guess it depends on who you are and how open you are to others in the first place.

My reaction to the stuff you've experienced liOEverything, is; JIKES someone should educate these people!!

Unfortunatly I know offcourse; most of the people should be...

I blame the media a little.. they dont show what I know as swinging. And most people believe what they see on tv. If media would show what swinging is really about, so many people would at least understand... (I wander how many people have joined this forum after that Oprah programme..)

ALL of our "Vanilla" friends know we are swingers but pretend they do not know, at least when we are around.

We have a fairly small circle of vanilla friends and a few of them live for gossiping about other people. We know one of these "gossipers" knows we are swingers because I heard her tell her boyfriend one night that we were.

I geuss the reason she probably knows is because we have brought some of those we have swung with to our local watering hole where our vanilla friends hang out, probably not the best idea. This "gossiper" has been there on more than one occasion when we have taken fellow swingers there and I am sure it was rather apparent what we were up to.

Anyway,

If she knows we KNOW everyone else knows. She is not one to keep a secret. Especialy something as juicy as that!!

Another clue that our vanilla friends know is that one of Mrs naughty's best "vanilla" called her after that Oprah show with swingers to tell her she watched it.
She told Mrs Naughty that the show reminded her of Mrs Naughty. Mom by day, and Naughty by night, or something along those lines.

But know one has come right out and asked us and we haven't had any problems.

[ALilOEverything]

I feel very confident they don't know about it and it's not that I feel guilty... it's just that I'm very private about what I do in my private life and I feel this silly paranoia that someone can see right through me when they talk about things like that. People thing I'm ultra conservative and have even thought I needed to loosen up a little bit.

I have to keep it in perspective how they constantly gossip about everything and everyone from who's having an affair with who to who's gay or bi. This wasn't any different than how they gossip about everything else. It just reminds me how I need to keep my private life and work life seperate.

[EvilMJ]

I'm with LM about this one. In fact knowing me I think I would probably reprimand them for spreading this gossip whether real or fictional. It probably doesn't make me the most popular person near the cooler but I know most people feel confident when they have to impart some person information to me.

Ofcourse it would also be followed by the comment that it was their life and it's not may place to judge anyone by what they do.

[Candy&Cane]

AEO; I read what you say, but how does it make you feel that nobody knows the real 'you' ? I mean that in a broader way...
I couldnt do that.. I cant stand keeping up a facade.. -seriously; doesnt it make you feel erhhmmm lonely in some way?

kisses from Candy

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

...and the first thing out of the woman's mouth was "you know they are swingers don't you".

Oh the drama! And they think we're obsessed with sex. Everyone loves a good tabloid scandal. Mr. and I are both from the same small town, so we know all about how that works. Everyone is swimming in such a small pool that nothing truly exciting ever happens. And when somebody does piss in the pool, the drama-addicts are actually happy about it. No one has anything better to do than gossip. And where they don't find a scandal... well they'll just make one up. :rollseyes Crazy.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by Candy&Cane

AEO; I read what you say, but how does it make you feel that nobody knows the real 'you' ? I mean that in a broader way...
I couldnt do that.. I cant stand keeping up a facade.. -seriously; doesnt it make you feel erhhmmm lonely in some way?

That's a good question, I never really thought of it as a facade, I just never thought what goes in my bedroom as anybody's business. Really I think they know me pretty well otherwise since swinging is such a small part of me, in fact we haven't played since November. It doesn't make me lonely because these are just merely my co-workers (the first incident I had never met the person). I'm still myself, I just don't feel the need to talk about what they don't understand and are judgemental about. When I hear them drag these peoples names through the mud it really makes me sick. The one gal they were talking about is a wonderful caring compassionate person and now these people only look at this one aspect of her instead of looking at her as a whole person. As a whole person I too am a caring compasionate giving person... THAT is who I am. In many aspects I am conservative and if they think I'm totally conservative I'm fine with that. It's not important to me they know me through and through. My good friends and family know me very well, some may not know we swing on occasion but I'm sure they wouldn't put it past me. And because of that I'm not lonely in the least

I think I came off as too serious in my original post... I actually had a good chuckle over the whole thing. I do come across as being too serious sometimes Especially at work.

[Candy&Cane]

Makes me realise how fortunate we are to have a lot of open-minded friends....

But okey, I didnt realise this was specifically about co-workers.. We dont have many sexual discussions with fellow-students...

[robnbarb]

I have seen a few I know on Swing Lifestyle before, I just go past and act like I never saw the profile (whistling the whole way).

Almost similar but not quite, I knew a guy who was trying to use swinging to cheat, and was ANOUNCING it to everyone he met. Which wouldn't be so bad, but his kids got taken away (for completely different reasons, but still...) Istead of straightening up and not announcing his intentions, he went and cheated on his wife and got more than a few sores around his face and hands (and probably somewhere else too).

Basicly all I have been doing is watching the fireworks and keeping out of it.

I am not sure if that is being a gossip, or just enjoying the occasional shit-storm that doesn't effect you.