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Bigger Couple dealing with rejection

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HI, We are a married couple talking about getting into doing a mfm or mfmf scenario. We have started setting boundaries, and my wife is a little nervous. I have had mff a few times before, and always thought mfm or mfmf would be awesome. We are a little on the bigger side, not too big, and we are attractive. We have answered a few craigslist ads but the ones that are okay with us we are usually not attracted to and they don't seem all there, or they are just looking to cheat or whatever. We have actually opened up to each other more since deciding to give this a shot. I feel closer to her now than before. It's like I can actually share my deep dark secrets with my partner. I like that! I love my wife, would love to see her pleased, and feel her moan on my cock as she is fucked. She gets wet and cums hard when we roleplay it.

 

The problem today is, I answered an ad from what was supposed to be a non discriminant guy single male, she picked him due to his ad, and he had a huge dick (I may have been a bit jealous there) but he respectfully turned us down and she is upset, was crying....etc... I feel bad that I let her get hurt, and it did bother me that no matter how many times/ways I tell her she is beautiful she is still hurt. She really is a beautiful woman, and I love her a great deal. We don't see ourselves with anyone else yada yada yada. I don't think she is into the idea anymore and while I could move on without swinging, I know I will always have that desire.

 

Anyone else been through this situation before?

 

P.S. I had a feeling this would happen with this guy, but she seemed willing and eager to do it. She also says she will do it to please me and she could live without doing it ever. I can't help but not believe that as I see how turned on she gets. Should I continue to look or give her time?

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Rejection happens in swinging for a lot of reasons and if I had a dollar for every time we rejected a couple or got rejected by one we would have some nice spending cash. A thicker skin is needed in swinging.

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It's not at all uncommon to respectfully turn someone down - or to be turned down, in fact it happens all the time. It's not personal or because you/they are inadequate or overweight or not tall enough or whatever. It's just because the attraction isn't there. When the attraction isn't there, it's no reason to take that as a sign of anything except that the attraction isn't there.

 

I'm sorry your wife is hurt, but...she's letting the response of a stranger (a response she has no way of knowing has anything to do with her and might just be him being a flake, something in abundant supply on craigslist) change how she feels about herself. That's a lot of power to be giving to someone and if she's going to do that, why not give it to you and let you make her feel beautiful?

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Frustration abounds.

 

It seems that the majority of mails sent on swinger match up sites will go rejected or unanswered. Those that do answer may suddenly just disappear, become weird, get pushy, turn out to be nothing more than people who never intend to meet because they only want the thrills of cyber sex or video sex.

 

You have to wade through the piles to find good experiences and you can't take the rest personally.

 

The Rose

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That's a lot of power to be giving to someone and if she's going to do that, why not give it to you and let you make her feel beautiful?

 

Thanks, This is what i've tried to tell her. I don't personally care about rejection, in fact I welcome it. I know that if i'm rejected that it's because it wasn't meant to be. No sense in pushing the envelope and getting in a tense situation that nobody enjoys. Thanks for the responses.

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Some people take the emotions and actions of others a little more deeply.

 

Is she normally fairly confident in her body image and self?

 

 

The Rose

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Another thing to realize.

 

A LOT and I mean a LOT of "single guys" are not really single guys but just living out some kind of trolling fantasy online. One common thing about single guys in swinging is that there are a LOT of them, and yet so few that actually follow through.

 

There is one "couple" on LL that has done this for TEN years. They sign up for every party and never go. They write fantastic mails and then say no at the last minute and never show. This guy and I'm guessing its a guy just wants to see your private/nude photos. He has spent upwards of a grand or two on his membership just to do this. He contacted us a few years ago before we figured him out. Wrote really "perfect" intro letters, had already seen our face pictures so its not like we were hiding anything, but kept pestering to see our private pictures. Once he found out we didn't have nudes, all communication stopped. I spoke to other couples some VERY attractive and it was always the same story.

 

Anonymity and the internet means that assholes, freaks, and flakes have free passes.

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It bothered me a little that she let a stranger make her feel that way. That makes me a little worried that she will not handle an experience that well. She has never really had great self esteem, and always dated losers before me. I wanted her when I first saw her. She all the time says she don't know why i'm with her. I was a nurse before we met, once we met I quit that and started my own company. I think she feels like she is in my shadow, and I hate that. Being with her has allowed me to build my company that provides well for us, and I did that because I wanted to have a good life with her. She should have great self esteem but it's not my job to give it to her, it's her job.

 

Should I worry that she allowed a stranger to make her feel that way, or is that a natural response for women?

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She will need a measure of self esteem. Everyone has moments of insecurity but if hers is so low that she can not handle it every time someone isn't interesting, it could become very damaging and make things worse for her.

 

If she can come away from that, realise that rejections or no replies will be common and be able to handle it then she may be able to explore more too.

 

The Rose

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She should have great self esteem but it's not my job to give it to her, it's her job.

 

Should I worry that she allowed a stranger to make her feel that way, or is that a natural response for women?

 

It is her job to care for and properly value herself (clearly your doing so doesn't work, or she'd be a beacon of self esteem), which means it's not precisely your job to worry, either. However, while we all have moments of insecurity, being upset and crying because someone she doesn't know decided not to have sex with her is an indicator of a larger issue, something that will need to be addressed if you'd like to successfully add recreational sex with outsiders to your life.

 

I'm a fan of cognitive therapy with a sex positive therapist, but I'm also a huge fan of regular, daily exercise, not because I think thinner is better but because the endorphins and the hormonal changes make everything brighter, including mood and self image.

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Long ago when we first started, not only did I fall for guys/couples/fake couples who do what Chicup mentioned, we both got worried we would not be good enough for others to play with.

 

We should have dieted, exercised, shaved our genitals, dyed our hair etc etc to be accepted but we talked it over, through tears and decided we do not care what random strangers think. We are who we are and we can and will go to parties and play with each other and see others playing and if that is all we do, that's good enough. (It's actually super hot and exciting!)

 

That was many many partners ago for both of us. Maybe not giving a shit is attractive. Maybe we just found others who like fun, giving, friendly people.

 

Go to some parties to be together. Don't try to play. Just fuck each others brains out in new, fun places at parties.

 

People will want to get to know you. ;)

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remember, the thing you can't have is what you tend to want.. keep that in mind as you get dressed for your next foray... as soon as you don't care who likes or doesn't like you, you'll have plenty of applicants..

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One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to remember that all these people online are nothing more than "pixels on a screen". Until/ unless you know them personally, that is all they are. And chances are high when dealing with single males on any site (and many who pretend to be couples) that that is really ALL they are. Often they are only there to fuck with people's heads, pretending to be one thing only for some immature invalid purpose. It's likely that this guy was nothing like any pictures or description he shared and that he was just creating this ad just to fuck with people he didn't agree with (swingers). That may not be the case, but that's the attitude I would take rather than allowing some pixel on a screen to get to me.

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Everyone in the lifestyle faces rejection. Rejection is good in that it shows that you're at least out there trying. We're somewhat experienced and have had our share of rejection, yet it still stings. Don't take it personally and don't speculate about the reason. Craigslist is the land of the trolls and is the absolute worst place to try to find a playmate. Consider SLS where you can see certifications and pictures. Even as a free member you shouldn't have a problem finding a respectful single male. Try screening and contacting the guys yourself and leave your wife out of it. When you have two or three good looking guys that want to meet, show her their profiles and pictures and ask her which one she wants to play with. She won't even have to know if several others turned you down. Her confidence will shoot up and you'll both have a great time.

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Let me start this post, by saying I'm in no way entitled to express an opinion on this topic.

 

I'm vanilla. And sexually repressed. When I was single, I worked with a girl who started talking to me about sex. She told me openly about her previous experiences and about her fishnet hose. She was a heavier girl. She and I ended up playing. She was my first "no-expectations" experience.

 

I still remember her. I always thought sex was something the guy had to "earn" from the woman. She was the first that let me know it was OK to play; and that she wanted me just because she wanted me. She went on to a doctoral program and bigger and better things. But, I still remember her.

 

I struggle with sexual expression, and that is something I remember. She taught me that a woman could just want to be with me.

 

Don't underestimate the power you have to influence people's lives.

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I can't really add to much more as it has already been said by everyone else. Therefore all I can say is to your wife to not take it personally and remember every person or couple or even group have an agenda and if it doesn't match theirs, they will respectfully decline. Don't let it get to you and move on to other pursuits or try new things as a couple. After all, nothing is ever set in stone so you just have to roll with it. :-). But continue to have fun with each other and enjoy the flirting and messages that go on in forums, chat rooms, messages and even between yourselves. :-)

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To give an update, "we" have moved past the rejection. I think it has made us stronger in we are talking about things more openly. We have since found a possible SM to join. I have some reservation and am proceeding with caution until I meet for a drink first. My wife now understands that a SM added is to be viewed as nothing more than a live dildo, and only to be used for enjoyment rather than seeking an emotional attachment where she desires his acceptance and approval. SHe has started reading some of the forum posts on this site and I think that has helped in many ways. Not just this issue, but we are both worried it could destroy our marriage, we have discussed this in depth and think we are good to go, but realize you never really know until you do it. One big concern was nobody that swings stays happily married, lol. I knew that was wrong, but after reading a lot of posts here we were able to see many married couples still married for many years. We would love to hear from other married couples that have been doing this and continue to be happily married. What are the emotions you feel when swinging? How do you deal with issues that may arise. There are a lot of threads on here so we haven't gotten through a lot yet. Thank you all for all the feedback.

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We've been married 15years, swinging almost 5 and very happy. I think it depends on why and how you do it. If you see it as an adventure you are undertaking together and understand that no single event can destroy what you have, then you'll have a better chance of being successful.

 

I'm glad you are both here reading and learning.

 

BTW, Dayton is a great place for swinging!! I'm not sure where you are looking at ads, but forget about Craig's List and AFF, creepy! The best sites here are sls and swingerzonecentral.

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. . . BTW, Dayton is a great place for swinging!! I'm not sure where you are looking at ads, but forget about Craig's List and AFF, creepy! The best sites here are sls and swingerzonecentral.
I believe it would be worthwhile for me to confirm these facts. Craig's List is a minefield.

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Hi their.

I would like to add to this. We are a bigger couple also, and we have had rejection as well. You have to stay positive and your head up. Remember when you were dating, you didn't get every women or guy then either. Their are tons of single guys out their. We've been married 13 years and swinging 16. We've already done it all. Couples, singles, swap parties, one on one, you name it. We're very happily married. We know we are going through a dry spell. It has lasted this time longer than it ever has, but, we hope to return to playing again soon. Exposure is key. The more you get out, the better your odds. As far as destroying a marriage, that can happen. But, mostly it never does with couples that are secure and satisfied already. Nervousness is normal. Jealousy is normal but needs limits. After 16 years, I still can get a little jealous. Rest assured your wife loves you more than anyone else. And the sex with others is not the same as the sex with your own spouse. Theirs just not the feeling their with other people. Hope you find a partner soon. It's so fun and exciting to watch a live show. Enjoy you two. Your adventure is just starting.

Ttyl.

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