We like the couple but the wife is too clingy

And first off, let me apologize for the length of this.

I want to clarify that we are regular posters/readers here on the board, but not sure if the couple that I'm talking about read the threads here or not. I've never asked and they've never said. Therefore, I'm here incognito.

Mr. and I have a VERY clingy couple that will NOT leave us alone!!

In truth, it's not really him, but her. She IM's me (I'm the Mrs.) constantly! Even when I appear offline, so I have these offline messages all the time! The interesting part is that she fired off an IM the other day that said her and her husband have been swinging for about eight years (we knew that) and she went on to tell me that out of everyone they've had sex with, we were their best (I'm flattered, but can't really believe we're all that good and how they can't wait to get together with us again!) and she constantly (daily, sometimes more often) writes wanting to know when we're going to get together next. They've gotten together with others, and I think that's great! [Please, find more people to play with and leave us alone!]

Well frankly, we like them as people, but I was telling my husband today for a woman who says that she is bi, she sure is unresponsive to male or female touch. We've pretty much just chalked it up to a bad experience and want to move on. Her husband was actually wonderful to play with so the experience wasn't all bad.

Yes, I've put them on an "appear permanently offline" to their screen name, but if she knows I'm online on Swing Lifestyle or AFF, she will email me telling me to turn on my Yahoo! It's like she's stalking us. ARRRGHHH!!!

We don't have clubs around here that we're going to accidentally bump into them, but there is a HUGE bi-annual party that goes on around here that we'll see them at in the Spring. Tonight when she asked me what Mr. and I were doing this weekend, I told her the truth that we were meeting up with another couple and she just went silent. I mean, it took her five minutes to reply. She asks us at least twice a week what we're doing the next weekend. Most times I'm working, so I really do get out of playing with them honestly, other times I skirt around the issue and then she forgets about it. Tonight, she accused me of making plans with them and now breaking them. I didn't!!!! Really. In fact, I went back in my message archive to make sure. We didn't promise them a thing. I have to admit that she also pissed me off a little when she asked me what the names of the couple are that we're meeting and what time we were meeting them. I told her that I wasn't comfortable giving out that information because I know how I'd feel if our names were thrown around nonchalantly. Frankly, it's none of their business. NONE!

We did tell her that the reason we got into swinging was to meet new people and experience new adventures with others. I believe her feelings were hurt, which isn't our problem. It's OK for them to play with others, but we're supposed to save ourselves for them? I don't think so!

Help me out here. How would you handle this situation and what would you say to them (her)?

[getnit2gethr]

We've been in the lifestyle for only a year and we've experienced that a couple of times. We get relentless offline messages or followed around at clubs. It hasn't been a big deal but they push their limits sometimes. It really does border on stalking. Some people are just that way. It doesn't help either when my wife has difficulty saying anything to anyone that could have even a remote chance of hurting their feelings. We talk alot about that. I try and explain to her that that behavior is sometimes disrespectful to me and sometimes I even feel a little betrayed by it. Wouldn't you? Let's say you and your husband discuss your disinterested in someone and then he leads them on at the club. Not cool, right? Well, she says she's working on it. I understand her personality and it really is hard for her. Anyway, I offer this as a possible anology to your situation. Sometimes all it takes is a little honesty: "We had fun with you but we're looking for something else right now". If they asked me what I was looking for I might just say, "I don't know yet, sorry". Good luck.

Remember too that most people try and act like they're not shocked when they're rejected. That makes it easier on you. On the other hand if they do act shocked then they must need to learn how to deal with rejection, and you're helping them by giving them practice! That's my optimistic perspective. Best wishes.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

How would you handle this situation and what would you say to them (her)?

I'd handle it promptly.

You got bad feelings about this couple (her) some time ago, and it would have been easier on you to have closed down the relationship then. But you probably know that now.

Stalking is nothing to laugh about, and this is what she is doing.

For a couple who has been swinging for 8 years she has probably made this behavior a pattern with a number of couples. The reason she may see you as the "best" is because you've put up with her longer than anyone else.

Don't get into arguing with her - about that issue of you making plans with them and cancelling - you'll get no where, and it will only prolong the dialogue with her.

Send them something brief, polite, and to the point that doesn't require a reply from them. You can basically say you no longer feel the compatibity is there. It is your policy never to explain to couples why you decide to no longer meet with. And then wish them well.

I believe Swing Lifestyle has a privacy feature that will keep your 'online' status from appearing on screen. Check that out.

If they write back, I wouldn't reply. They will only ask questions to try to keep a dialogue going. Thus, continuing to bother you.

At the bi-annual event, if you see them there, don't walk up to them, but be prepared to diplomatically handle them if they approach you.

LM

[riswingcpl]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

And first off, let me apologize for the length of this.

I want to clarify that we are regular posters/readers here on the board, but not sure if the couple that I'm talking about read the threads here or not. I've never asked and they've never said. Therefore, I'm here incognito.

Mr. and I have a VERY clingy couple that will NOT leave us alone!!

In truth, it's not really him, but her. She IM's me (I'm the Mrs.) constantly! Even when I appear offline, so I have these offline messages all the time! The interesting part is that she fired off an IM the other day that said her and her husband have been swinging for about eight years (we knew that) and she went on to tell me that out of everyone they've had sex with, we were their best (I'm flattered, but can't really believe we're all that good and how they can't wait to get together with us again!) and she constantly (daily, sometimes more often) writes wanting to know when we're going to get together next. They've gotten together with others, and I think that's great! [Please, find more people to play with and leave us alone!]

Well frankly, we like them as people, but I was telling my husband today for a woman who says that she is bi, she sure is unresponsive to male or female touch. We've pretty much just chalked it up to a bad experience and want to move on. Her husband was actually wonderful to play with so the experience wasn't all bad.

Yes, I've put them on an "appear permanently offline" to their screen name, but if she knows I'm online on Swing Lifestyle or AFF, she will email me telling me to turn on my Yahoo! It's like she's stalking us. ARRRGHHH!!!

We don't have clubs around here that we're going to accidentally bump into them, but there is a HUGE bi-annual party that goes on around here that we'll see them at in the Spring. Tonight when she asked me what Mr. and I were doing this weekend, I told her the truth that we were meeting up with another couple and she just went silent. I mean, it took her five minutes to reply. She asks us at least twice a week what we're doing the next weekend. Most times I'm working, so I really do get out of playing with them honestly, other times I skirt around the issue and then she forgets about it. Tonight, she accused me of making plans with them and now breaking them. I didn't!!!! Really. In fact, I went back in my message archive to make sure. We didn't promise them a thing. I have to admit that she also pissed me off a little when she asked me what the names of the couple are that we're meeting and what time we were meeting them. I told her that I wasn't comfortable giving out that information because I know how I'd feel if our names were thrown around nonchalantly. Frankly, it's none of their business. NONE!

We did tell her that the reason we got into swinging was to meet new people and experience new adventures with others. I believe her feelings were hurt, which isn't our problem. It's OK for them to play with others, but we're supposed to save ourselves for them? I don't think so!

Help me out here. How would you handle this situation and what would you say to them (her)?

If you think there is something to be salvaged with them, I would tell her that she needs to back off, that she is making you uncomfortable with her constant demands on your time, that you are not going to continue any relationship with them if she doesn't chill out. If you get anything other than an "opps, I'm sorry, I'll back off " reaction, I would say goodbye and cut off all communications with them. If the situation is making you that uncomfortable, just be done with it. I'm a firm believer in going with your gut feelings, and if you think they are borderline stalkers, you probably don't want to have anything to do with that. That they would ask you who you're meeting up with makes me think that you are probably right about them. I couldn't imagine asking another couple for names and dates...it's not only none of their business, but why does she want to know, so they can show up? Scary...

If it were me, I'd run for the hills...block them from your IMs and your AFF and Swing Lifestyle sites, and if/when you run into them at that party, just tell them it's nice to see them again, but you are not interested in any further relationship with them and leave it at that. No means no...

M

[freekynme]

Hmm that sounds suspiously like this couple we knew. She gave us the we were the best couple they'd played with ring a ding ding too. Hubby & I just smiled politely cuz we didn't they were all that great in any aspect. She was insane to the point of needing to be locked up & the hubby was nice but a total & complete bore. With all their (namely her) antics in the lifestyle they seemed to wrack up a lot of people who basically black balled them. This woman had the nerve to insist that she be my Matron of Honor & her hubby the Best Man at our wedding. They were never even invited to the wedding to begin with. She would go to sites we were commonly listed on & leave us messages & emails since we wouldnt respond to her IMs. She would even make up new profiles & try to talk to us, but I guess she forgot that they uploaded the same pics to all their profiles. We'd only briefly chat with her if we happened to be in the same chat room, then we'd switch IDs & she'd be right there hitting on us. Finally we told her we were no longer into swinging which wasnt a total lie since Im pregnant & we were in the process of moving to Germany.

[Tybee Swing]

I've never had anybody stalk us this much, but we have had some pests that wanted way more contact with us or were asking every week what we were doing that weekend.

I believe that all you can do is be honest. Let her know exactly how you feel. Now, I'm not sure if you've decided that you're never going to play with them again, or if you're still open to that (if she stops being so clingy)? I couldn't quite tell by your post. If you're 100% over them and you and your husband don't want a redo with them, just be really honest in a nicely-worded way that you're moving on. If you really are through with them as far as swinging, you'll have to be really clear with her so she understands that door is closed now and it's not reopening.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

She IM's me (I'm the Mrs.) constantly! Even when I appear offline, so I have these offline messages all the time!

....Yes, I've put them on an "appear permanently offline" to their screen name, but if she knows I'm online on Swing Lifestyle or AFF, she will email me telling me to turn on my Yahoo! It's like she's stalking us. ARRRGHHH!!!

.... Tonight when she asked me what Mr. and I were doing this weekend, I told her the truth that we were meeting up with another couple and she just went silent. I mean, it took her five minutes to reply. She asks us at least twice a week what we're doing the next weekend. Most times I'm working, so I really do get out of playing with them honestly, other times I skirt around the issue and then she forgets about it. Tonight, she accused me of making plans with them and now breaking them. I didn't!!!! Really. In fact, I went back in my message archive to make sure. We didn't promise them a thing.

It sounds like you're trying to avoid her by being invisible, but when she writes you, you engage and write her back. Avoidance doesn't work unless you completely ignore her, but maybe you're feeling guilty about that so you respond to her. I think the only way to get the dog off of the bone is to just tell her straight up what your decision is, and then wish them well (a clear goodbye). If she's still writing or IMing you regularly after that, just ignore her and don't engage...if you do, she'll think she's got an in-road to suck you back into her vortex if she can keep you talking.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I have to admit that she also pissed me off a little when she asked me what the names of the couple are that we're meeting and what time we were meeting them. I told her that I wasn't comfortable giving out that information because I know how I'd feel if our names were thrown around nonchalantly. Frankly, it's none of their business. NONE!

I find that her even asking this is creepy and weird. Makes you wonder if she was going to try to show up and stalk you on your date!

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Help me out here. How would you handle this situation and what would you say to them (her)?

I would start by telling them that you like them as a couple (you told us you like them as people), but explaining in a polite yet very clear way (you got some great suggestions in this thread) that you're enjoying meeting other people. You enjoyed their company and had a nice time, but you're moving on. Don't add phrases like "at this time", because to a stalker, it sounds like a possible opening for the future with them. Also, avoid saying vague things like you're busy right now, because again, it sounds like a future opening for them to get back with you when you're not so busy. You have to really close that door, if you're done with them. Make sure to end things with a "goodbye and good luck" closer, so that they get the message that you're not going to be daily chat buddies anymore, either.

Good luck!

[ShellyM]

Wow, this is a good thread. I have never been in this situation, and unless I swing with Tony Stewart hopefully I'll never be a stalker either ...... Seriously, I would handle it quickly. You have not married this couple and you DON'T owe them an explanation. But if you want to be tactful I suppose you could tell them something along the lines of you enjoy playing with them, but you also are seeing other couples and would like some space. Heck, I don't know, I'm just saying what I think I would say. But I do know that they don't have a right to do this to you.

[rpu3]

Sounds an awful lot like our very first experience. We ended up not doing anything in the lifestyle for 1.5 years after that because of that experience, and it was complete with stalking - no issue with him, but honestly, there was something off with her.

It's up to you, but I'm not sure it will ever change. Cutting your losses and saving your sanity might be a better option than trying to explain your position. She'll likely behave for a week or maybe even two, but I'm guessing she'll revert back to the usual fun and games.

How did we end ours? Things just came to a head, and we went into "No Contact" mode. We refused to respond to telephone calls, emails, IMs, etc. It was the only the only way out.

We went permanent stealth on the woman for Yahoo!, although it doesn't do anything against programs like BuddySpy. You can put them on Ignore or Block, so you will not ever receive a message from them. We used another program to remove our names from her buddy list. We blocked her email. We let our close friends that we had in common know what was going on as a FYI, and indeed she did contact EVERYONE we had in common. That didn't go anywhere, at least.

After a couple months, she stopped trying to contact, and stopped fishing for info from our friends. But it took a complete cutoff to resolve it for us.

Good luck.

Rebecca

[MoonLightKiss]

I agree with the others. This is beginning to sound like stalking. But from your post, I am unsure as to your position. So, what I would do depending on the decision...

If you think there is something salvagable, politely explain it to her that you are not an exclusive couple, you enjoy meeting new people, along with being friendly with people you have already met. Tell her she comes across as clingy, and while you are sure she doesn't mean to, explain that space is important to you. As well as discretion which is why you do not drop names. You refuse to do what you don't want done to you.

If you are done with this couple. Again, I would politely whip off a short email saying thank you for the meeting, but you really feel that compatibility has taken a drastic turn, and that you are no longer interested. Wish them well, and then put up any and all block features. If she tries to contact you, do not engage her in conversation. Alot of times people like this think you are just mad at them, and then when you come back and say HI, they think you aren't mad anymore, and the whole process has to be repeated.

Wishing you the best,
MLK

[ShellyM]

You know, the best out of HOW MANY couples in 8 years?
If you are ever down by Austin Texas............................................. .......

Hint Hint

[HappyPeople]

I would tell her that while you had a good time with them and you like them as people that you are more about "playing the field" than "settling down" with couples.

[havefuninsun]

or, be passive aggressive and just ignore her ass.

You know, and this is the couple that prolly has "No Drama" in their profile -- LOL. I've decided the ones who seem so animate about that are the ones to look out for. I mean, c'mon. Does anyone WANT drama? Do we really have to say "no drama?"

just an observation ... LOL

[rpu3]

Yes, actually, you do have to say it, or you get the ones I really don't want to deal with. At least if I put that in my profile, it may actually weed a couple out. So it's staying.

And yes, the woman of the couple that stalked my husband and caused so many problems that we took a rather long hiatus has "no drama" in her profile.

[ShellyM]

I agree with both. You should not have to tell people that you prefer NOT to have drama lol, you'd think that would be a given. Unfortunately, its not.

[ShellyM]

Now that I've thought about it a bit, are you sure she is sexually stalking you? Seriously. I say this because we made a friend through swinging. The lady doesn't work, and is home all day and pretty much bored and lonely alot of the time. Hey, she is a sweetheart though. So I'm nice to her, I try to be nice to everyone that is nice to me. But she is ALWAYS IM'ing me! Sometimes when I come home early from the office and I'm checking emails or such (YES reading the SB posts and usually arguing with somebody ) here she comes, and starts talking. Usually we will chat....but sometimes I have to almost ignore her, because I know it will go on forever.

Do you think perhaps she just wants a friend, or no. Regardless though girl, she needs to give you some space! I have found that before. I actually stopped going into a swingers chat room because I started chatting with a guy who is from Wi. like I am, and we became online buddies. All of a sudden, its like I frickin married the guy or something!! If I was talking to someone else he got defensive lol...when he started asking for pictures I said you know what, that is enough. So, I walked away. If its bothering you I suggest you do the same.