How do you politely say "Not interested."

[Nymph an' Satyr]

We have just put our first personal ad up on Swingers Lifestyles. So far we have received about 6 responses, which I think is pretty good. There are some people who have responded that are clearly not compatible- they are looking for things that we are not. What is the accepted, polite way to say thanks but no thanks?

I was thinking that I would simply say "Thanks, but we are not interested at this time." Is this generally okay? Or do you concoct some reason- e.g., you live too far away.

We just want to be polite- and not hurt feelings.

-Nymph & Satyr

[OhioCouple]

My husband and I both feel that all responses should be responded to in some way shape or form.

If someone has clearly not taken the time to read our entire profile and write one sentence that usually is something like, "Loved your profile, lets meet". Out of curiosty we always read theirs and usually end up shaking our heads. After receivng about a dozen of these sort of mails, we just simply learned to say "Sorry not interested". In other words we give them back exactly what they gave us.

If someone writes a considerate note commenting on different aspects of our profile and we are not interested, we will do the same back. Usually our lack of interest involves age, distance, or the "herb" friendly type of couples. We will respond with a nice note in return, perhaps commenting something like "You look like a nice couple, but unfortunately the distance between us would make it difficult for us to build the type of relationship we are seeking. Best of luck in your endeavors!"

If the writer of the ones which sent a nice note include their names as a signature, we will sign with our names. (These are not in our profiles.) Often we will receive a return reply from the thanking us for our honesty, and wishing us well too.

Remember too that when you are new to a pay website you will receive a lot of notes from what we have learned are pretty desparate people or hound dogs. Of course you will have some in there that are genuine and possibly compatible, but in the beginning you get bombarded. Especially if the site allows trial members. After a while when you lose the new status it becomes easier to sift through and generally most that contact you have taken the time to read what you are looking for. You will receive more contacts from serious people that are looking for just the same as you are.

Patience is the key and do not to burn your bridges. We give back what they give to us and it has paid off as early on we were still learning and have recently opened up some other avenues with those that we turned down the first time around.

Good Luck!

Lori

[Nymph an' Satyr]

This is dead on good advice. It's obvious that many folks have not read our profile- or they are just ignoring salient features.

Thanks!

Nymph & Satyr

[TeamSoBe]

You will definitely get flooded with people jumping on fresh meat when you first sign up at a new site. We used to try to respond to every single inquiry even if we weren't interested, but then after a while we stopped bothering to respond to people that can't be bothered to read our profile.

We keep our profiles pretty short but still clear and informative so that people understand that we aren't rapid-fire, sex-with-strangers types, but we still get people that think that we're going to meet them at a bar somewhere and then just get funky that night. We just don't even bother with them. You will also get this over and over again:

"Hi, we read your profile and we liked what we saw. Take a look at our profile and let us know if you would like to meet up some time."

I swear that we get that exact same message, word-for-word, over and over again. Somebody must have printed that as a suggested opening message in some guide book on swinging or something. I'm still baffled, but when we get that we just don't bother to even respond.

[BradAndJanet]

That was our experience too, TeamSoBe. We spent a lot of time writing our profile and explaining what we were looking for, but some of the responses we got were really off the wall. We had a lot of good laughs about those and eventually quit responding to people who obviously hadn't been paying attention. I began to wonder if people had written bots to spam out mail to everyone on the board.

Another thing we noticed was the increase in quantity (but certainly not quality) after we posted a few pictures. We're debating whether to leave those out next time and rely solely on our words to attract people.

-B

[sexypairca]

If we think that someone has taken the time to actually read our profile and put at least a proper sentence together, we respond accordingly. If their profile or response is not of interest we simply indicate so with a "We thank you for your interest in our profile, however, we do not feel that we would be a match. Good luck in your search."

In a situation where "nice tits, wanna F@#* ?" is the approach of choice, I do not feel any obligation to respond.

Annette

[austxmark]

Hi everyone. The response:

"Hi, we read your profile and we liked what we saw. Take a look at our profile and let us know if you would like to meet up some time."

Is, more or less, fine to me. I mean what is wrong with it? I read the full profile and if I feel there is a match I send a message similar to the above with the differance being that I ask if they would like to talk more. This way the other couple can look at our profile and see if they agree that there is reason to talk more. Why should I go to great lengths to point out where I see common areas if all the other couple is going to do is look at ours and decide for themselves.

[RnKin Fla]

I agree with Mark here. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that kind of opening. After all, when I receive that or any kind of e-mail the first thing I do is look at the profile.

And I have to say, the some of the nicest people we have met have used that kind of opening e-mail. And some of the biggest fakers have actually taken time to write long e-mails.

So, I'd have to say don't write someone off just because they are sending a simple and innocuous e-mail the first time.

As far as responding when not interested? I simply tell the truth. "Thanks, but we are not interested."

- K of RnK

Originally posted by austxmark

"Hi, we read your profile and we liked what we saw. Take a look at our profile and let us know if you would like to meet up some time."

I'd have to say this is the most common response we get, and as with anything some of the people seem decent, some don't, but I certainly wouldn't dismiss them because of the use of a generic opening line. It seems there's so many people don't respond back at all, that to take the time to write some elaborate customized greeting would be largely a waste of time and effort.

Although I'm certainly expecting a little more dialogue in any future conversations

I'm curious TeamSoBe, what exactly are you hoping to see when someone initially responds to you?

[OhioCouple]

I would have to say that nine times out of ten when we get what I call a *canned* greeting from someone that their profile also will reflect their ability to communicate. We always look at a profile first and then go to the message sent by them. After reading their profile we can generally guess what the message will read as.

We feel that if you can't take the time to write something more than a generic greeting, we don't feel the need to take the time to get to know you. Simple as that. Why should the burden of doing so be placed on the receiver?

Our profile is relatively short and pretty informative at the same time. It gives the reader a good idea about who we are and what we are looking for.

When we look at a profile who's basic wording consists of two to five words per sentence, we generally get that sort of greeting. (ie. Won't do anal - We love sex - Very Oral - Long lasting ...you get the idea.) Those type of people require too much maintenance. We are not going to pull teeth to figure out who and what type of people they are. This is supposed to be fun, not time consuming or frustrating.

Also, I do believe I read where someone else said something about if you post pictures, the mailings are multiplied by stiff dicks just looking to see some more, with little effort applied.

We go through this quite often even though our pics are more on the "R" rated side at best.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Following is an actual correspondence that has occured over the last 24 hours. Sadly it occurs far to often. We attended a local party on Friday and two other couples had received the same sort of emails from this particular couple, if indeed it was one and not someone just looking for some pics or phone sex.


Sent from ******
We read your bio and find a great deal of similarities. We actually live in Mid *********. Do you have other pics, on another E-mail? If interested, writ back and we can get into more detail.

"So far not too bad, not really a generic greeting. We have already read the profile and know that we are most likely not compatible."

THIS IS OUR RESPONSE IN WHICH WE DID WITH AN EFFORT TO BE NICE WHILE TURNING THEM DOWN.

Hi,

Welcome to **********! At this time we are too busy with the holidays to build any new relationships. I am sure you will find that you will enjoy this site. There are a lot of members in our immediate area!

Have a great holiday season!

INSTEAD OF THEM TAKING THE HINT WE RECEIVED TWO MORE MESSAGES:

"message one"

write bck and give e-mail or phone

"message two"

Write back to ************


ALL WERE AS SIMPLE AS THEIR PROFILE AND REFLECTED THE TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT WE DO NOT PREFER TO ASSOCIATE WITH.
FOLLOWING IS OUR LAST REPLY TO THEM.


S******,

We have found in this lifestyle that honesty is the best policy. We are going to be very honest here. First off we do not give our personal email address to anyone we do not know and trust. We never share intimate pictures other than the ones we choose to put on the sites we belong to with anyone of whom we have not known for a long time. You request more pictures, yet you have none on your profile. Your request for a phone number is absurd.

There are several things based on your trial membership profile alone that render us incompatible. We choose to not swing with anyone under the age of 40. J**** is listed as 37. We both smoke, neither of you do. Communication is as important to us as is compatiblilty. Your profile and messages reflect none of that. We are also aware that you have sent out messages to others in our community to the same effect that you did us.

As you state that you have been swingers for several years, one would have to believe that you know the basic rules and guidelines to follow and that your requests cleary violate both.

Best of luck to you and have a safe and happy holiday season.

Lori ~ Who resisted the overwhelming urge to say Good Luck, you are going to need it.

[Greg & Sheryl]

We have a standard answer for those online we decide to reject: "Thank you for writing. We appreciate your interest in us, but we must decline your offer." We use this reply regardless of the reason for turning the couple down. Although it's frustrating to get messages from people who don't fit your criteria and obvious haven't read your ad/profile, it would be a waste of our time to give a more detailed answer. Anyone who attempted any further correspondence would be ignored.

However, when it comes to making the first contact, we must admit we are guilty of sending what has been described as "canned" greetings. Perhaps we should reconsider this procedure if it annoys other couples, but the reason we do so is because we always compose detailed ads/profiles which list virtually everything we have to offer as a couple. It would be redundant to repeat those things in a greeting, so why not let the ad/profile speak for itself? We always post photos with our ads/profiles, so physical descriptions would also be unnecessary.

One thing that we have noticed is that other couples sometimes lie to us when they reject us. We belong to several sites which provide advertiser statistics indicating how often couples log into a site and how many letters they exchange with other couples. On more than one occasion, couples whose stats show they are extremely active on the site have responded to us by saying that although they find us attractive, they are currently not active in the lifestyle. Such false flattery insults our intelligence. A simple "No, thank you," while disappointing, would be preferred.