Wife is worried that swinging will be like dating - fear of rejection

[newandexcited]

Well, me and my wife talked frankly again last week about the idea of swinging. We will someday hit a club but will probably just go for the atmosphere and enjoy each other on the dance floor. Totally cool for me cause I'd love to dance all night with her and then just have at it right there in the club (big fantasy for me). Unfortunately one of her reasons for not wanting to join in the lifestyle is....well in my estimation....and don't rip me for this...but I just think she's plain wrong. She says she's afraid of anything that feels like the dating scene because she doesn't want the rejection. She says she sees us getting stuck in situations where the woman is attracted to me but we all do nothing because the guy ain't attracted to her. I find this to be dead wrong because my wife is a beautiful person inside and out. She's got hips on her that Cosmo may tell you aren't the ideal but damn I love them and I think many other guys would too. Plus she's such a caring, lovable person that I couldn't imagine anyone who got to know her not wanting to spend time with her. Plus throw on top of that...I'm not (insert male hottie name here) by any means. I'm just a normal guy who was once athletic and over the years have lost a bit here...gained a bit there ya know.
*sigh*
I'm not going to pressure her into anything and ya know...we've only been discussing this type of stuff of maybe a couple months now so no rush. But when she told me this big reason..well, I was floored. I mean is she using insecurity as a cover for other reasons? She did mention that she's not sure how she'd react if she saw me enjoying another woman...but then backs that statement up right away with but I really do trust you.
Basically, I've just sorta drop the subject as to not pressure her. Over the last week we've spoken of it maybe one more time but not in-depth. I've tried to show her how beautiful I think she is too.
I just wish she'd understand that she is truly unique and gorgeous. No matter how much I say it and just totally devour her....then she hits me with her looks being a reason not to get into swinging? I hope to God that bring up swinging and some of my fantasies didn't make her question her appeal to me.

Oh...sorry for the long post but I'm just kinda typing as I'm thinking....anyhow..the other BIG reason she says she may never go through with this is religious. She's an definate church goer. Every Sunday whether she needs it or not She can't pinpoint why she thinks it would be against her religious beliefs but says she just needs to look into it more. I want to help her look into it but since I'm normally not the religious type if I was to start quoting scripture to show it's not a necessarily bad thing then it may appear that I'm presurring her. The last thing I want to ever happen is for her to say ok just to please me. I want her to want to get into this with me so we can both have fun.

Well...anyhow...no real question to end with. Just alot of babbling. Any comments are appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

[sereneiders]

As for the first motivation, it seems to me it's somehow prejudgamental.

When we starting thinking of swinging we had a LOT of prejudices towards swingers, that were reflecting our fears as much as the lack of knowledge about "these" people.

Our first concern came after supposing most swingers would be swinging for a DIFFERENT reasons than ours. We tought "these people should be doing this because of a disfuntional marriage, they may show a lack of morals, they may be even careless and give it a sh*t about what could happen to us". What we found out is that most of the swingers does this for the SAME reasons we do it, most of them have the same concerns, the same fears, and surprisignly, that they have an incredibly high moral standard.

To be honest, I have to say I feel ashamed from these toughts, I was being unfair with unknown people, but luckily enough I gave these people a chance to prove us wrong.

Your wife argument implies a couple of unfair judgments, for example, that if the other guy doesn't like her, his wife would engage anyway with you disregarding her husband feelings, wanting him to take "one for the team". This is unlikely to happen unless such a couple were unexperienced. The more likely in such an scenario would be that the couple will be plain open and tell you she is up to play with you on her own but the husband wont participate (if the couple were up to do such a thing).

But I believe if you start hanging out with swingers at a club, you two will realize about these prejudgments.

Besides this, this isn't meant to be an activity exclusive for Ken & Baribe like people. You'll find around common people: tall, short, slim, fat... i.e. it reflects the same population distribution you'll find everywhere else. Some of these people have their own body issues and insecutities, but anyway they want to have fun, to avoid drama, and to avoid being hurt in the proccess as much as you and your wife wants. To acheve this, there's a basic etiquette most of us stick to: "don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you". Taking care of others is the best way to ensure they will take care of you and to avoid the unwanted drama.

As for me, my choice for a playmate hasn't too much to do with their physical "beauty" but with the sensuality, humor sense and good will to share the fun. I guess, since you have the chance to get as much "beauty" as you want, you end up looking for other features. But this is me.

In the other hand, I have some flexibility about the standards. It is hard to find the "perfect matching couple", so, some times I resign something that ins't mandatory. Some people may say I am taking "one for the team", and they may be right. At last it is MY choice and I wouldn't blame anyone else but me. But if I am up to do so, once I took the choice, I stick to it. By no means I would stop playing to take adventage of the other couple by giving enough time to my wife to finish playing herself. This would be lewd.

Regarding the religion objections... there's nothing to say about this. HEre you have a wall, if she say no because of this, then... let it go.

[BradAndJanet]

Well, she's right, rejection is always a possibility. In fact it's a downright certainty that somewhere along the line someone will reject her. It's just the way it goes with people.

A couple of months isn't a real long time, so take it slowly, keep the idea alive and don't push her. Do hit that club if she's willing though; the attention she'll likely get there may make her change her mind about the risk of rejection vs. the reward of finding someone fun to play with.

Give the seed a chance to grow.

[intuition897]

Welcome to the board, newandexcited! This is an amazing place to find info and "tech support" for all areas related to swinging. If you haven't already, it's a good idea to check out Getting Started and the FAQ section. Many answers to be found there.

I'd like to start out by saying that I admire your approach to presenting this to your wife; it is SO important to put the relationship first in this, to take things slow and steady...and not get carried away by allowing yourself to be persuaded by the "little head". Sounds like you've got things well under control, there. Just keep those channels of communication wide open and let her explore the idea on her own terms.

The other posters are right: this lifestyle isn't just for the supermodels types. It's made up of people of all shapes and sizes, and all levels of attractiveness. One thing that successful swingers ALL have in common is that they are comfortable with who they are. They LIKE who they are, and they exude sexiness. One thing your wife will definitely need to work on before she gets into this is her self-confidence and self-esteem. If she looks to outside sources of validation, she's not going to be a very happy camper, because sooner or later, she will run into someone who feels that she is simply "not his type". Rejection really sucks. Big time. It stings. But the key is to not let others define you. YOU define you. It might be disappointing when others turn you down, and you'll feel bad probably, but what happens is your spouse walks up beside you and says, "That guy must be blind in one eye and can't see out the other. He's nuts. I have no idea how he couldn't see just how gorgeous and sexy you are. Oh well, his loss..." And you perk up and think to yourself, "Yeah, I am pretty damn sexy! Sheesh, that guy just doesn't know what's good for him!"

The religious issues are another big issue. I, myself, am a Christian. Not just the kind who goes to church for the sake of going to churh, but genuinely devoted to my faith. I won't repeat my pro-swinging arguments here, because you can easily look up 'religion' or 'religious' in the keyword search (top of the page, drop-down menu). I've probably hit most of them. I will say this: I don't believe God cares so much what body part goes in which hole, but I KNOW He cares why we do what we do. If we do something that we feel is wrong or offensive to God and to others, it should be considered a sin. If, on the other hand, there is truly no negativity in your heart, and you can engage in responsible non-monogamy with a clear conscience (ie: no one stands to be hurt by your actions), then where is the sin in that? God doesn't call a sin a sin "just because". There is always a reason for it. And when we engage in this activity with other people who are in a similar place mentally/emotionally/spiritually/etc., and no one is being hurt in any way by it, then why does God care so much? Why this phobia of all things sexual? This paranoia? This is my own personal opinion, and your wife may never agree with it. I do not wish to ever convince someone to do something that is against their conscience. But Romans 14 (the whole chapter) was enlightening. It shows how faith and the expressions of that faith vary from one individual to the next. It also tells us that we are not to condemn others for believing something differently than we do. "To his own master [each servant] stands or falls" So in other words, we're supposed to just mind our own business and simply do our best to serve God the best way we each know how. For Mr. intuition and I, non-monogamy feels very natural. To us, it is a celebration of our marriage, a deeping of that sacred relationship, and as such, it is a glorification of God.

The spiritual conflict that those raised in a conservatively religious atmosphere must deal with is huge. Being able to truly incorporate your spiritual beliefs into swinging is worth the effort (IMO), but it really requires the believer to question his or her faith more deeply than they ever have before, questioning it to what some would consider a blasphemous level. It's going to require a real desire for truth. REAL truth, not just the truth you want to hear, but all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Deep down, we each know what is or is not right. The key is to acknowledge it and act accordingly.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Welcome to the board, newandexcited! This is an amazing place to find info and "tech support" for all areas related to swinging. If you haven't already, it's a good idea to check out Getting Started and the FAQ section. Many answers to be found there.

I'd like to start out by saying that I admire your approach to presenting this to your wife; it is SO important to put the relationship first in this, to take things slow and steady...and not get carried away by allowing yourself to be persuaded by the "little head". Sounds like you've got things well under control, there. Just keep those channels of communication wide open and let her explore the idea on her own terms.

The other posters are right: this lifestyle isn't just for the supermodels types. It's made up of people of all shapes and sizes, and all levels of attractiveness. One thing that successful swingers ALL have in common is that they are comfortable with who they are. They LIKE who they are, and they exude sexiness. One thing your wife will definitely need to work on before she gets into this is her self-confidence and self-esteem. If she looks to outside sources of validation, she's not going to be a very happy camper, because sooner or later, she will run into someone who feels that she is simply "not his type". Rejection really sucks. Big time. It stings. But the key is to not let others define you. YOU define you. It might be disappointing when others turn you down, and you'll feel bad probably, but what happens is your spouse walks up beside you and says, "That guy must be blind in one eye and can't see out the other. He's nuts. I have no idea how he couldn't see just how gorgeous and sexy you are. Oh well, his loss..." And you perk up and think to yourself, "Yeah, I am pretty damn sexy! Sheesh, that guy just doesn't know what's good for him!"

The religious issues are another big issue. I, myself, am a Christian. Not just the kind who goes to church for the sake of going to churh, but genuinely devoted to my faith. I won't repeat my pro-swinging arguments here, because you can easily look up 'religion' or 'religious' in the keyword search (top of the page, drop-down menu). I've probably hit most of them. I will say this: I don't believe God cares so much what body part goes in which hole, but I KNOW He cares why we do what we do. If we do something that we feel is wrong or offensive to God and to others, it should be considered a sin. If, on the other hand, there is truly no negativity in your heart, and you can engage in responsible non-monogamy with a clear conscience (ie: no one stands to be hurt by your actions), then where is the sin in that? God doesn't call a sin a sin "just because". There is always a reason for it. And when we engage in this activity with other people who are in a similar place mentally/emotionally/spiritually/etc., and no one is being hurt in any way by it, then why does God care so much? Why this phobia of all things sexual? This paranoia? This is my own personal opinion, and your wife may never agree with it. I do not wish to ever convince someone to do something that is against their conscience. But Romans 14 (the whole chapter) was enlightening. It shows how faith and the expressions of that faith vary from one individual to the next. It also tells us that we are not to condemn others for believing something differently than we do. "To his own master [each servant] stands or falls" So in other words, we're supposed to just mind our own business and simply do our best to serve God the best way we each know how. For Mr. intuition and I, non-monogamy feels very natural. To us, it is a celebration of our marriage, a deeping of that sacred relationship, and as such, it is a glorification of God.

The spiritual conflict that those raised in a conservatively religious atmosphere must deal with is huge. Being able to truly incorporate your spiritual beliefs into swinging is worth the effort (IMO), but it really requires the believer to question his or her faith more deeply than they ever have before, questioning it to what some would consider a blasphemous level. It's going to require a real desire for truth. REAL truth, not just the truth you want to hear, but all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Deep down, we each know what is or is not right. The key is to acknowledge it and act accordingly.

Male D Dito Sign

Male D

[newandexcited]

Thanks so much for the understanding and support. I had my wife read this post of mine and we talked about it again last night. Didn't lead to any decisions which is great cause I agree she needs alot of time to consider things. But all the talk did lead to some pretty great times ourselves that night Also, I've told her that she is free to read anything I ever write here and to post questions of her own and such under my login here. Hopefully she finds as much support here as she needs to make an eventual decision based on what's right for her.

Thanks again.

Oh and PS...Intuition897....if that's a pic of you in your avatar...well, that's about the cutest grin I've ever seen I wonder what was going through your head at the time of the picture.

[DBL D]

As far as Intuition's thoughts...I think it was those (Canadien) $$$$ signs.

On another thought, a recent poster who probably still drops by this site now and then has started to write to us and has lots of questions for us regarding the lifestyle and what is going on inside her as well as just understanding what the big draw is for this activity. I'm happy to get to know her (Fem D too) as this just adds to my wellbeing...to be able to talk to people about sex with others, and in general, and not get embarrassed.

I would like to offer to the membership the reminder that we all have PM capability and if that works for you instead of posting I think you should consider it. There are lots here who would be willing to communicate with you that way. Just make sure you have room in your PM box.

Male D

[Concupiscence]

I have to admit that this is one of the biggest hangups that I have about diving into the life. I had serious self-esteem issues (and I was a total hardbody) and I thought I was hideous. My husband is the one who has helped me feel good about myself. Even so, it is still terrible to feel as though you will be the ugly lump that every one is embarrassed by. Even when I feel my best, I have to work at not letting my confidence go to shit when we go out. My hubby tells me all the time how hot I am and that he has to hide his hard-ons when out in public because I turn him on. Hell, he'd bend me over and do me at the check out counter and then invited everyone else if he thought we could get away with it. I can get totally turned on by the fantasy and then destroy it by thinking about the cellulite on my thighs or the pimple on my butt. No matter what my hubby says to me, I know that I am the only one who can pull myself out of the rut. I have to believe in myself. Part of that is changing my habits and doing things that actually make me feel sexy such as getting back into exercise and being brave enough to wear clothing that are feminine instead of my usual tomboy stuff. I hope this helps.

edited for verb-noun agreement and excessive use of the word, "actually."

[DBL D]

This last weekend Fem D and I took some photos...I asked her to go topless because she was always hiding her breasts. I told her it was one her best features and she didn't need to hide them especially around me. Then she saw a photo that showed her rear and it showed the slightest trace of celulite (mainly because of her position). She gasped, actually gasped, at a scene that I thought was very sexy. Yadda, Yadda.

You are right here. You have to have a good positive feel for yourself. Believe what others say, especially your SO. What else do you need for a kick starter than that?

M.D.

[celtic239]

Dear Newandexcited,
I encountered the same situation as yours. My wife and I are not swingers (yet?) and I wouldn't go into the lifestyle without her being there. I introduced her to a more sexually charged way of life when I took her on vacation to a clothing optional resort in Mexico. We are both in our 50's and not prudes but, like your Mrs, do go to church on a regular basis. I fully briefed her on the type of surroundings concerning the resort and kept her upto date as to what to expect. When we arrived at the resort, the first guest that she saw was a man in his 40-50's completely naked strolling though the lounge area. When my wife muttered "that man has nothing on" I quickly retorted that " he was just 'exercising' the option not to wear clothes as part of the 'clothing optional' part of his vacation.
Within two hours, my Mrs. was topless and eventually bottomless. We did not engage in any 'playing' with the other guests but over the course of a few days we did have sex, in public, when she thought no one was around. As for the religion thing, I can only tell you that it is my goal in life to give my wife a MFM threesome. I'm no theologian, but if it is a sin I'll still do it and go to confession later. The fact that one goes to church and would like to get into the lifestyle is not hypocritical, if one truly believes that we are all 'sinners'. Hell if I was perfect I'd be the Pope.
I don't know if any of this will help but my wife wanted to know if people had sex in the playroom (which was behind the disco). I told her probably and that since it was early in the evening that no one would be in the room. I took her by the arm and walked her in the direction of the room and, I swear to God, she hit the 'breaks' and dug her heels into the floor, just like a horse coming to a full stop. She said she wanted to leave and we did.
I felt that this was her vacation and if she didn't feel comfortable in being in a particular situation that I would honor her feelings. So we went about our vacation and still had a great time. I thought nothing of pushing the issue of her getting into the lifestyle because I just wanted her to observe the types of people and to see that they were just like the both of us. On a side note, one of our neighbors is a couple with no kids. My wife was speaking to them (there both retired and planning on selling their home and moving away). Out of the blue my Mrs said " You know I bet that "the husband is probably one of those swingers".To which I replied "He could be, but if he is then so is his wife". Who knows maybe a seed was planted in my wife's brain about the normality of swinging and she is quietly trying to convince herself that she may want to try it. If your Mrs want to do this, then let it be her decision.

[LOOKIN4FUN9773]

New And Excited...we Are Newbees Ourselves...take The Advice Of All The Vets Here Ive Been All Over The Web And Found This Site To Be The Most Informitive..one Wrote In With Take Your Time Dont Rush If You Rush Her Into It She Will Likely Rebel...when You Do Go Set Your Ground Rules And Stick To Them..take Everything In Ive Read All The Storys And Im Sure They Have Had There Problems..everyone We Have Encountered In The Lifestyle Has Been Helpfull And Respectfull Of Our Boundrys.((you Must Be Honest And Let People Know When Your Aproched What Your Looking For ))) I Think That Is Were Some People Get Into Problems The Dont Lay It Out And They Get Overwelmed!!!we Have Been To House Partys (not Our Scene) We Have Been To The Two Clubs In Tampa And Had A Great Time..the One Thing We Did Is Called The Clubs And Found Out What The Slower Nite Is And Went Then Its A Little More Laid Back Then......as Far As The Mrs And Her Weight Go To A Couple Of These Club There Are People There From All Walks Of Life Age Size Color You Name It Its There....and If You Tell The Pepole What Your Looking For When Your Asked There Will Be No Pressure!!!dont Pressure The Mrs Let It Be Her Decision!!!! Enjoy!!!!!

[uandusforfun]

YES me and the hubby are new and looking forward to our first party. We have learned a lot from the advise here and are starting to understand that everyone here is after the same results. To enjoy life to meet new and exciting friends and enjoy the pleasures of what one so desires but was almost afraid to ask lol well we are heading in the right direction. Just remember as everyone has said communication is the key to happy swing.