Single Male broke up with us for a single woman

Cheekyimp1 · 08-20-2002, 08:52 AM

Okay here goes. Hubby and I found this single guy. He's great. Good lover and he's friends with both of us. Unfortunately the other night he told me that he wants to see this girl and therefore no more sex sessions with us. I didn't take a fit or anything. Thing is it did kind of hurt a little. I'm not in love with him or anything of the sort. I'm just wondering if this is a rejection issue and if this is normal? Any help is appreciated.

***JustAskJulie*** · 08-20-2002, 11:15 AM

Sounds normal. Sounds like a great guy. He's met someone he's interested in and doesn't want to lie to her. She is more important to him than swinging and I think that's great.

Doesn't sound like he wants to end the friendship or anything. You never know once they have been together for a while you may have a couple to play with instead of just a single guy.

Cheekyimp1 · 08-20-2002, 11:20 AM

Very true Julie or it may not work out. lol I told him the door is always open if it doesn't work out with her. Thanks for the reply.

Uriah · 08-20-2002, 05:32 PM

Your experience raises the issue of developing emotional attachments to your swing friends. A very experienced couple with whom I swing have advised that I will get "hurt" because I am too "sensitive" to my swing friends' needs, characteristics, and pleasure. They reason that this will trigger emotional attachments that may not be appropriate for the relationship.

As with anything, I think there needs to be a general balance between (i) the genuine affection that you have toward your swing friends, and (ii) the disattachment that is necessary because you are not married to them. Frankly, the real friendships that I have developed with my partners make our relationships that much more meaningful.

As a single male, I am trying to develop steady relationships with 4-5 couples. I am gradually getting these couples to get to know each other, so that eventually we can enjoy some group swings. By developing an informal social club, we may be able to curb the hurt that you are experiencing if one of us drops out.

In other words, try to find a couple of males to swing with. Meet with them separately at times, and at other times invite both over. By extending your swing partners beyond just one person, you may be able to maintain that delicate balance between affection and disattachment.

CanadianCouple · 08-20-2002, 07:41 PM

Quote:

As a single male, I am trying to develop steady relationships with 4-5 couples.

Quote:

From "Hello Everyone", 08-18-2002 -- 9:22 PM

Hi Lynn. I'm in a similar situation with my wife.

Did you get divorced in the past two days?

Dan

CanadianCouple · 08-20-2002, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cheekyimp1:
Okay here goes. Hubby and I found this single guy. He's great. Good lover and he's friends with both of us. Unfortunately the other night he told me that he wants to see this girl and therefore no more sex sessions with us. I didn't take a fit or anything. Thing is it did kind of hurt a little. I'm not in love with him or anything of the sort. I'm just wondering if this is a rejection issue and if this is normal? Any help is appreciated.

We had a long term relationship with a couple in a neighboring city a couple of years ago. Lasted six, seven months, something like that. When it ended, yeah it hurt a little, more of a regret we wouldn't be getting together with them anymore. But as with all things in life, there's a beginning, middle, and end. You move on.

Dan

Quin · 08-20-2002, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Did you get divorced in the past two days?

Dan

Was wondering the same thing myself, Dan. Even the profile says m. male which I assume (and I think everyone else would assume) to mean married man.

Quin

Uriah · 08-20-2002, 11:56 PM

Dan, what motivates you? My profile clearly reflects that I am married.

This is the second time in a week that you have polluted another member's sincere forum question with a personal attack on me. It reminds me of a civil trial lawyer with a worthless case desperately trying to discredit a witness.

CheekyImp, I apologize for the bickering. I enjoy meeting and sharing ideas with others who reciprocate. I'll try a little harder to ignore the anklebiters.

Quin · 08-21-2002, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cheekyimp1:
Okay here goes. Hubby and I found this single guy. He's great. Good lover and he's friends with both of us. Unfortunately the other night he told me that he wants to see this girl and therefore no more sex sessions with us. I didn't take a fit or anything. Thing is it did kind of hurt a little. I'm not in love with him or anything of the sort. I'm just wondering if this is a rejection issue and if this is normal? Any help is appreciated

It is disheartening when you find someone that you not only *click* with sexually, but also on a friendship level and they decide, for whatever reason, to discontinue the sexual side of the friendship.

Some people fail to realize that you can have sex with a friend and not have that *loving* tie as you would a mate but on a different level as a friend. And anytime someone is hurt because another person pulls out of the sexual scene, many will jump in to tell you that your feelings were too strong for that person when in actuality, they misinterpret the feelings that you do have. This can probably be attributed to the fact that as a society we are taught from day one that in order to indulge in sex with someone you MUST love them.

IMHO, while not necessrily a rejection issue, you're not wrong in feeling as you do. It is sad and disheartening to click with someone sexually as well as on a friendship level only to have them pull out of the sexual end for whatever reason. Be happy for him tho...he may have found someone to love and who will love him...there's never anything wrong about someone finding that!

Quin

Quin · 08-21-2002, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Uriah:
Dan, what motivates you? My profile clearly reflects that I am married.

This is the second time in a week that you have polluted another member's sincere forum question with a personal attack on me. It reminds me of a civil trial lawyer with a worthless case desperately trying to discredit a witness.

CheekyImp, I apologize for the bickering. I enjoy meeting and sharing ideas with others who reciprocate. I'll try a little harder to ignore the anklebiters.

Dan wasn't personally attacking you, he just brought up the issue that in one post you say you're married, your profile says you're married, then you post:

Quote:

As a single male, I am trying to develop steady relationships with 4-5 couples. I am gradually getting these couples to get to know each other, so that eventually we can enjoy some group swings.

Those are your words, not Dan's. And yes, it makes one wonder and question your truthfulness here and more seriously, your truthfulness with those you swing with and your wife.

If it was an honest mistake, why not just say so instead of attacking Dan for asking what many of us were wondering??

Quin

OhioCouple · 08-21-2002, 01:34 AM

Uriah,

There is no reason to get defensive. What Dan asked was a simple question. If it was an honest mistake just say so. No one is out to attack you here. We all make typos and with the inablity to use the edit key it makes it hard to try and correct a mistake in typing errors or thoughts. The best thing to do is to just reply/respond back with what you actually meant to say. Not a big deal.

I too tho do question the difference in postings in addition to a subtle hit you took at Dan when welcoming a new member to the board. (Can't remember which post that was...old age hitting me again right smack dab in the face).

We are all friends here. We are here to talk about not only lifestyle issues but real life issues, truthfully and honestly to the best of our knowledge.....No one is here to play baseball, we save that for the ball park.

Lori

OhioCouple · 08-21-2002, 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cheekyimp1:
Okay here goes. Hubby and I found this single guy. He's great. Good lover and he's friends with both of us. Unfortunately the other night he told me that he wants to see this girl and therefore no more sex sessions with us. I didn't take a fit or anything. Thing is it did kind of hurt a little. I'm not in love with him or anything of the sort. I'm just wondering if this is a rejection issue and if this is normal? Any help is appreciated.

Cheekyimp1,
I am with Julie on this one. I think it speaks highly of the male that wants to discontinue swinging for the time being due to his finding a girlfriend. A relationship whether it be married or not should always come first. Look at his honesty as being very refreshing and not as a pitfall or as something that either you or your husband have done. Who knows, she may be the woman of his dreams (as he obviously enjoys multiple partners) and you could end up as foursomes and great friends to boot!

Lori

CanadianCouple · 08-21-2002, 05:37 AM

Quote:

Dan, what motivates you? My profile clearly reflects that I am married.

This is the second time in a week that you have polluted another member's sincere forum question with a personal attack on me. It reminds me of a civil trial lawyer with a worthless case desperately trying to discredit a witness.

CheekyImp, I apologize for the bickering. I enjoy meeting and sharing ideas with others who reciprocate. I'll try a little harder to ignore the anklebiters.

I know what your profile says. I also know you clearly referred to yourself in here as a single male.

What motivates me? A disdain for frauds, Uriah, as a matter of fact we just had an episode in here over just that issue. As I explained in my reply to your email you sent me last evening, I'm fed up with the phonies that are rife within the lifestyle, they're annoying and bothersome, and what's worse, they sometimes cause good people to leave the lifestyle altogether. We had one couple in here already renounce their participation in the lifestyle, largely due to the idiots out there who play games.

I'm not calling you a liar, but those two statements of yours I highlighted seem to illustrate a glaring inconsistency, IMO. And I'll tell you something else -- I personally don't know of any woman who, even if she allowed her husband to swing without her, would be thrilled with her husband referring to himself as single. If you're married to one, you indeed hit the motherload.

Off to work.
Dan

Cheekyimp1 · 08-21-2002, 05:07 PM

Okay for those of you who responded to my post, thanks for the advice. It was helpful and as always I am on the lookout for more men. lol The guy in question and myself have stayed friends and will continue to do so. And as I put in my original post I don't love him or anything close to that. It was just refreshing to find someone who we (both Hubby and I) clicked with. I absolutely respect his decision and the reason we've remained friends is because he was upfront with me. When he told me about the girl he wants to have a relationship with I told him that I wouldn't stand in the way of something that could potentialy make him happy for the rest of his life. I also made sure he knew the door was open if he ever wanted to have fun with us again.
I'm over the "ouchie" now and I'm glad I met him. He really puts a good light on single men. Hope I meet more like him.

CanadianCouple · 08-21-2002, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cheekyimp1:

I'm over the "ouchie" now and I'm glad I met him. He really puts a good light on single men. Hope I meet more like him

I'm glad to hear that. And if nothing else
ever happens with this guy, you're left with some wonderful memories of him.

Dan

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08-20-2002, 08:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
Cheekyimp1 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 42 Location: Sarnia, Ontario, Canada	Single Male broke up with us for a single woman Okay here goes. Hubby and I found this single guy. He's great. Good lover and he's friends with both of us. Unfortunately the other night he told me that he wants to see this girl and therefore no more sex sessions with us. I didn't take a fit or anything. Thing is it did kind of hurt a little. I'm not in love with him or anything of the sort. I'm just wondering if this is a rejection issue and if this is normal? Any help is appreciated.

08-20-2002, 11:15 AM	#2 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,211 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Sounds normal. Sounds like a great guy. He's met someone he's interested in and doesn't want to lie to her. She is more important to him than swinging and I think that's great. Doesn't sound like he wants to end the friendship or anything. You never know once they have been together for a while you may have a couple to play with instead of just a single guy.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

08-21-2002, 01:34 AM	#11 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	Uriah, There is no reason to get defensive. What Dan asked was a simple question. If it was an honest mistake just say so. No one is out to attack you here. We all make typos and with the inablity to use the edit key it makes it hard to try and correct a mistake in typing errors or thoughts. The best thing to do is to just reply/respond back with what you actually meant to say. Not a big deal. I too tho do question the difference in postings in addition to a subtle hit you took at Dan when welcoming a new member to the board. (Can't remember which post that was...old age hitting me again right smack dab in the face). We are all friends here. We are here to talk about not only lifestyle issues but real life issues, truthfully and honestly to the best of our knowledge.....No one is here to play baseball, we save that for the ball park. Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W. Last edited by JustAskJulie; 06-22-2004 at 07:46 PM. Reason: to remove extranious tags

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08-20-2002, 11:20 AM	#3 (permalink)
Cheekyimp1 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 42 Location: Sarnia, Ontario, Canada	Very true Julie or it may not work out. lol I told him the door is always open if it doesn't work out with her. Thanks for the reply.

08-20-2002, 05:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
Uriah Active Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 37 Location: Memphis, TN	Your experience raises the issue of developing emotional attachments to your swing friends. A very experienced couple with whom I swing have advised that I will get "hurt" because I am too "sensitive" to my swing friends' needs, characteristics, and pleasure. They reason that this will trigger emotional attachments that may not be appropriate for the relationship. As with anything, I think there needs to be a general balance between (i) the genuine affection that you have toward your swing friends, and (ii) the disattachment that is necessary because you are not married to them. Frankly, the real friendships that I have developed with my partners make our relationships that much more meaningful. As a single male, I am trying to develop steady relationships with 4-5 couples. I am gradually getting these couples to get to know each other, so that eventually we can enjoy some group swings. By developing an informal social club, we may be able to curb the hurt that you are experiencing if one of us drops out. In other words, try to find a couple of males to swing with. Meet with them separately at times, and at other times invite both over. By extending your swing partners beyond just one person, you may be able to maintain that delicate balance between affection and disattachment.

08-20-2002, 11:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
Uriah Active Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 37 Location: Memphis, TN	Dan, what motivates you? My profile clearly reflects that I am married. This is the second time in a week that you have polluted another member's sincere forum question with a personal attack on me. It reminds me of a civil trial lawyer with a worthless case desperately trying to discredit a witness. CheekyImp, I apologize for the bickering. I enjoy meeting and sharing ideas with others who reciprocate. I'll try a little harder to ignore the anklebiters.

08-21-2002, 05:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
Cheekyimp1 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 42 Location: Sarnia, Ontario, Canada	Okay for those of you who responded to my post, thanks for the advice. It was helpful and as always I am on the lookout for more men. lol The guy in question and myself have stayed friends and will continue to do so. And as I put in my original post I don't love him or anything close to that. It was just refreshing to find someone who we (both Hubby and I) clicked with. I absolutely respect his decision and the reason we've remained friends is because he was upfront with me. When he told me about the girl he wants to have a relationship with I told him that I wouldn't stand in the way of something that could potentialy make him happy for the rest of his life. I also made sure he knew the door was open if he ever wanted to have fun with us again. I'm over the "ouchie" now and I'm glad I met him. He really puts a good light on single men. Hope I meet more like him.

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