How do i know if it is just an excuse for him to play the field?.....

[genuinegal30]

Well, im here (as to be expected) because of my boyfriend's desires to swing in the near future.

He is 23, very high sex drive, sexually liberal (has been to a swinging club before, on his own when he was single), and is very open and honest about his past (maybe too honest) and what he would like. Me, im the conservative one, despite having a very high sex drive myself and being adventurous - the involvement of other people is something im not yet convinced about because of my feelings of jealously.

Hes a very good looking young man, a charmer, fit body, incredible in bed, and honestly.....i look at him and think he is wasted being in a relationship. I also feel like im not enough despite him saying i am enough and how he loves our sex life......for the time being. Im 31, and might explain the level of my sex drive, so we are in sync in a physical capacity, but values and attitudes wise, we're out of sync.

I honestly wish i had the ability to detach my emotions, and most of the time i wish i was a man (less emotional hassle). We've only been together 14 months, and he mentioned about his past sexual experiences and expectations within a relationship after about 2 months of being together, and it really unsettled me and assumed he was just trying to impress because i was older than him.

I honestly believe that if i dont agree to swinging, he'll only go and do it behind my back anyway, so is it wrong to be completely altruistic and do it for him? I dont know..... I feel like im not enough, despite the regular hot sex we have where in most if not all of the time, he likes to be very dominant. Its rare that its just making love to be honest.

This is the weird thing. When we're having sex or he is giving me oral sex, or i am masterbating with him, i fanatasize about him having dirty, degrading hardcore sex with girls - and i picture him with this girl in a club, or alleyway, and just treating her with complete degradation. What does this represent EXACTLY? Yet if this happened in reality, maybe.......behind my back, id be devestated, and i dont understand the dichotomy between the two - fantasy and reality. My boyfriend says that people should always try out their fantasy, but i think sometimes....its best staying a fantasy.

He adores and love me, and is mad about me. I couldnt ask for anymore attention, affection and compliments. I wish there was a magic pill that would allow me to diminish any feelings of jealousy/resentment and just allow him to have sex with other woman and me not be bothered by it.

I dont know how i would feel watching him have hot sex with another woman, despite me fantasizing about it alot. He says he wants to do it as a couple, doesnt want to do it as a single man. I dont know whether its an excuse for him just to have sex with different women all the time, or whether he genuinely would love to see me with another woman.

Im confused.

[junglecouple]

Trust another "male" here. You said.."or whether he genuinely would love to see me with another woman..."
Trust me.. that's a given truth. He's a man.. OF COURSE HE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN".. What guy wouldn't? LOL

[genuinegal30]

Yeh ok, i know you're right, but i thought swinging (from a guys perspective) was supposed to be about pleasing me, but i get the sense its just all about him...

[junglecouple]

It's not all about either of you, it's about BOTH of you. Otherwise it's just selfish manipulation on someones part.

[slevin]

If you say you don't want to swing and he goes behind your back and does it anyway, that is cheating. If he does that he was never worth having anyway.

[twistedpretzels]

Well, just read the posts and explore the comments. People here are exceptional and helpful AND I think there are folks on here that don't do a lot, if any, swinging but enjoy the spirit of it. Pete and I do very little but like to have the option open.
The forum IS an education!

[Fundamental Law]

The important thing is that you two openly and candidly discuss what's important in your relationship. A key question that you need to address is the difference between being "not enough" and wanting some variety. The former assigns sex as being a celebration of love. The latter assigns sex as being a celebration of life. Both are fun and both are fulfilling, but have different representations to the relationship.

Fantasy is very important to just about everyone's sex lives, so your own fantasies should not distress you. It's pretty clear that you are anxious about transforming fantasy into reality. That's fine. Most of the world enjoys fantasy and stops there.

One way to look at the situation is that he is being candid about his desire for sexual variety, and this is a lot better than dealing with a cheat. Honesty counts a lot. He is also inviting you to set rules and boundaries simply by talking about it.

You are 14 months into the relationship, and you are wondering how it will last and how strong it is. My take is that he is telling you that he is still young, wants to play but values the relationship as something he wants to sustain. You'll have to decide whether you are willing to test those play waters with him.

A reflection. It is hard to imagine a 23 year old being monogamous forever. Or a 31 year old for that matter. People grow and change. Relationships take work. A disproportionately high fraction of the long-term marrieds (25-45 years of marriage, for example) we know are LS people. They figured out that love and sex were important, but really enjoyed seeing their partners having pleasure, even intimate pleasure. Their egos grew stronger, not weaker in the knowledge that their partner could enjoy sex with others yet still be their partner-for-life.

Swinging will test a lot of beliefs about any relationship. But the 'together' aspect means the test is shared and reciprocal.

[two4youinswva]

Welcome to the board!

Originally Posted by genuinegal30

......so we are in sync in a physical capacity, but values and attitudes wise, we're out of sync.

........................................

I honestly believe that if i dont agree to swinging, he'll only go and do it behind my back anyway,

These two statements jumped out at me. So, I'll ask a question that has nothing to do with the swinging aspect:
What do you want out of this relationship?

[two4youinswva]

I responded to your post in your other thread, but wanted to welcome you to the board.

To answer the question of whether or not you should be here:
Yes, you should. This board isn't only about active swingers. If it were, we would have a LOT less members. This board is about educating each other about swinging, and helping couples and individuals like yourself decide whether or not it's the right thing for you.

We hope the board gives you some insight to your questions.

[Just Passing By]

It seems as if he has been upfront about his history , and interest in swinging. For the sake of the imeadate question , let us presume that is he indeed intending that any swinging type activity would be for mutual benefit and enjoyment.

To again paraphrase one of our esteemed Senior Members : "Swinging is not for everyone. It is probably not for most people" . A universal prerequisite is to be able to mentally differentiate between sex with others , and. Love. You needen't "know" in advance that you will enjoy (whatever) , but you need to know that ever in worst case scenario your relationship is strong enough to handle any fallout.

[ViSexual]

One of the couples we swapped with was somewhat in a similar situation. Chipper worked for me and was a total flirt. He'd fucked about every one of the young women in the office.

I was a little surprised when I met Linda, his wife, for the first time. We went on a double date after he'd only known her a month or so. My wife and I liked her but even my wife was surprised at Chipper's choice.

Linda was attractive, well educated, and very enjoyable to be around but she was ten years older than Chipper. Chipper had always before chosen much younger girls.

But, they moved in together and eventually got married. It was a year of so after they married that we swapped with them.

I think, like you, Linda only went along with the actual swinging to keep Chipper but it was obvious she did enjoy it too.

I later wondered if Chipper didn't want a wife to be more of a mother to him too. And, knowing Chipper, Linda most likely had to agree to the swinging before he married her and his younger conquests probably wouldn't.

And, now if it's any help, they're still married and that was over thirty years ago!

[Just Passing By]

Certainly you are welcome here. There are lots of members contemplating these activities, many graduly dipping their toes , and still others that have been active in the past, but for various reasons not active currently.

To expand on fundamental Law's initial point, there is a cliche that has a lot of truth to it. "You can have steak every day , but still enjoy the occasional pizza or seafood.

In addition to the usual trust and communication, it is nesecary to have certain understanding of the nature of sex and love. When both are at the the same time and person great ! But those are independent variables. Enjoyable sex can be had w/o love. Or conversley times change , and things happen, and and love and commitment can continue even without sexual function.

And the there are more possabilities of sexual dynamics with 3 (or more) people playing together than is physically possable with only two.

[djjwp]

Honesty and full disclosure in needed from BOTH of you here. Share your thoughts and fantasies and listen to his. An honest unrestrained discussion will shed light on what you both want and not want.

[Playful1]

have you said all of this to him? if so, what was his response?

[DigginIt]

First, thank you for sharing. I would like to add that your feelings are completely normal and without wanting to sound condescending, I applaud you for even taking the time to consider the lifestyle. That speaks a great deal about your feelings towards your man and about your desire to want to work to find a course of action that will satisfy the both of you.

Swinging, as mentioned above, isn't for everyone. It takes a very open and honest relationship and above all else, communication.

He was open and honest with you from the start. Unless he has given you any reason to mistrust his intentions then I would take him on his word. If my wife told me tomorrow that she didn't want to ever swing again, I would miss it but at the same time, I love my wife and her happiness means the world to me. I'd walk away and not look back.

He has expressed a desire and I would like to think that he feels that it is something that you would enjoy with him. If you enjoyed something, I'm sure you would want him to be understanding and to give it a try. I look at this very similarly.

You talk about jealousy...that's not so easy to work around. If you can't get past that, you'll never be able to swing at all. Sex is really just an enjoyable act. We are trained from birth that it's something that is intimate and only should be shared between two people who love each other and all of that conditioning is hard to rewire in your brain.

If there was one thing to take away from my post it would be that you should NOT think of swinging as the two of you having sex outside of your relationship but an independent experience the two of you are sharing together. Think about that some. Those that get what swinging is about will come back together feeling even closer after sharing such experiences.

As far as your thoughts about seeing the act as a degrading experience towards the other girl. It might be your way of accepting it and not seeing it as a threatening act towards your boyfriend. I don't think it's necessarily the best mental way of dealing with it (again, I'm not a professional, lol) but maybe what you like is that feeling that the other woman is being submissive to your husband. It's puts her beneath you in a priority sense.

I don't know, just rattling off things as they come to mind. I wish you the best though and hope you two work things out.