A question for the Ladies on the the board

[allaboutthemrs]

I really mean what I am saying in the title, I need advice from the "Ladies" on this board and I know there are a lot of you here. I need your advice specifically because that is what I'm married to, a true Lady.

We've been married for a little over 20 years and like all marriages not always perfect and some ups and downs but things are really great over all. For the most part we've had a great sex life and it's beginning to really get great now that the kids are about grown and my wife is becoming more comfortable with herself. That said we are running into a few walls related to the guilt she has at times over delving into the "non-vanilla" areas of sex. Let me explain in as few words as possible, please be patient.

For the most part the Mrs has always been a bit of an introvert and not real outgoing but funny and loveable when you make it inside the halo. Sexual issues have at times been a challenge because of the programming from the religious upbringing that we both had that anything really racy is "dirty." The LS and our desires to enjoy this are no different.

We are fairly new to anything LS related but have pursued it more since her recently confessed bi-desires. I've not pushed this but have tried to help make it available to her by us gearing some of our activities, trips, etc. towards LS related things that would allow her the opportunity to pursue these desires which she will if there is a strong enough attraction and the stars line up right. However, without fail a few days or a week after any of these activities she has a guilt meltdown and feels dirty or evil. I can usually discuss it with her and get her through it and re-assure her she is a good person (which she is) and we will slowly get back to normal but always with a set-back towards enjoying the things we both want and especially what she wants related to the LS.

I'm sure some of you Ladies had to have been through this and just wonder what I can do to help her and let her know that other normal, moral, regular Moms, wives, nurses, teachers, etc. are just like her in their desires and activities. One of the problems we face is that we are in a small, gossipy town (very small actually) and we are the only ones we know amongst our friends/acquaintances of that play at all in the LS and that makes her feel even more like a black sheep. I'm sure there are people we know that are LS active (or bi like her) without our knowledge but our extra need for discretion makes this problem even worse. Sorry to be so windy and thanks in advance for any advice.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by allaboutthemrs

I really mean what I am saying in the title, I need advice from the "Ladies" on this board and I know there are a lot of you here. I need your advice specifically because that is what I'm married to, a true Lady.

Awww, how sweet. I always aspired to be a "Lady", or my vision of one...Jacqueline Kennedy, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn...such style, grace and class. Alas, I failed miserably . Any style I have I owe to Ted for dressing me. Grace...too damn clumsy to be considered graceful. And class, hmmmm, not really sure I have any of that either.

I'm not dissing on your use of the term "lady", as I do understand your reference and agree totally. Every woman on this board is a "Lady" in my book. It's just when I see/hear that term, I always have this wistful thought run through my mind. I think I'll dig out "My Fair Lady", and watch it again.

Sexual issues have at times been a challenge because of the programming from the religious upbringing that we both had that anything really racy is "dirty."

Everyone must deal with their upbringing in their own way. We're indoctrinated at young ages that certain things are wrong/bad, and taught not to question, but to follow blindly without thought as to why. It's when we start questioning these things and asking why, that we become able to think for ourselves and realize that just because we're taught something is wrong/bad, doesn't mean it is.

However, without fail a few days or a week after any of these activities she has a guilt meltdown and feels dirty or evil. I can usually discuss it with her and get her through it and re-assure her she is a good person (which she is) and we will slowly get back to normal but always with a set-back towards enjoying the things we both want and especially what she wants related to the LS.

I think you're doing good discussing and talking about this with her. Heartfelt, honest communication is the key to any good relationship.

I'm sure some of you Ladies had to have been through this and just wonder what I can do to help her and let her know that other normal, moral, regular Moms, wives, nurses, teachers, etc. are just like her in their desires and activities.

Bring her here with you, and both of you take the time to read all the wonderful post/threads on this board and ask any questions you have. It's the best way I know of for her to see there are others out there just like her and what we do, isn't wrong.


Teresa

[allaboutthemrs]

Originally Posted by TNT

Bring her here with you, and both of you take the time to read all the wonderful post/threads on this board and ask any questions you have. It's the best way I know of for her to see there are others out there just like her and what we do, isn't wrong.


Teresa

I agree whole heartedly about bringing her here. We have both spent time reading the board together and seperately however I truly feel the best thing that can happen is to continue to interact with others in the lifestyle in person whether it's at a club, resort, house party or whatever and let her meet/interact with others just like herself and learn that she is not the only one who's dealt with these mental confilicts.

Thanks Teresa for taking the time to respond.

[slevin]

What does your wife like to do, as a lady, outside of the bedroom? What really makes her happy? Not a hobby or anything like that, but something that she does, either for herself or you, that makes her feel like a "good woman"? Not sure if that is easy to follow, but I have a theory that some people need to re-establish for themselves "who they are" after reaching outside their comfort zone. So if she reaches outside that comfort zone and enjoys some wild sex, then maybe the next morning she needs to do something to show herself she is still the "good woman" that she sees herself as. Maybe that is cooking a nice family meal, maybe that is pampering herself with a manicure. I don't know, it will be individual for each person. The important thing is that it's something she loves to do that makes her feel like she is the person she wants to be.

I'm not always great at putting my thoughts down coherently, so let me know if that made no sense lol

[sexcupid]

slevin had a good idea there.

Also...what types of activities have you done? Have you tried off premise clubs or meet and greets? These generally do not have sex happening on site and allow people to get to know each other a little better than some on premise activities. That way you and your wife can possibly learn more about your companions (interests, what they do, if they have children, etc) and it would serve to normalize the "who" of who does this activity.

[couplers]

Hi, this is Petra. My upbringing was very religious and my parents are very conservative Catholics. Yet as I grew up and discovered sex, it made me question the entire premise underlying sexual restricts of religion and society. I understood nearly all of the other rules, how drinking or taking drugs was harmful to myself and possibly others. Stealing, murder, speeding running stop signs, cheating on exams - there was an undrstandable moral logic behind it all. All the warnings about sex though... The more I enjoyed sex, first the private activity of masturbating then sex with my boyfriend, the more I questioned myself as to why sex was considered evil except in narrowly constained circumstances for a specific purpose, that is making babies. Quite frankly, from my very first orgasms I wondered why this fantastic thing wasn't celebrated, shouted from the rooftops.


So I would direct you and your lady to have a discussion as to why sex should be considered anything other than the joy it is, either as part of a wonderful marriage or simply for its own sake. The boundaries should be dictated by what makes us happy and common sense. We eat healthy and sensibly, but we also eat what we enjoy, have variety and celebrate our meals with others. We would readily dismiss anyone that said eating is only to fuel the body and enjoying it is wrong. So work your way through it logically. Question why it is someone would be trying to shame you into their their illogical doctrines. How are these action actually hurting anyone?


But there is a pragmatic aspect to this, meaning that the world is still full of the thinking that sex without all the traditional constraints is dirty and that to say otherwise is an insult to God. So I don't offend those people by advertising my sexual situation anymore than I would insult a vegetarian's choice. What I do in my private life with my boyfriend, my husband and his lover, is my private business. That is what being a lady is. I hurt no one and no one hurts me. And I believe that God is fine with that.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by allaboutthemrs

I'm sure some of you Ladies had to have been through this and just wonder what I can do to help her and let her know that other normal, moral, regular Moms, wives, nurses, teachers, etc. are just like her in their desires and activities. One of the problems we face is that we are in a small, gossipy town (very small actually) and we are the only ones we know amongst our friends/acquaintances of that play at all in the LS and that makes her feel even more like a black sheep. I'm sure there are people we know that are LS active (or bi like her) without our knowledge but our extra need for discretion makes this problem even worse. Sorry to be so windy and thanks in advance for any advice.

In this thread, there is this post. Intuition897 hasn't posted here in quite a while (I miss her) but she explains her idea of morality, swinging and religion quite well.

I also grew up in a very conservative Catholic family. The word "sex" was not allowed to even be said in our house. It was immoral to even speak about sex and feelings in our house. I'm glad that it's not that way anymore. I love sex and I won't hide my feelings. Even to my conservative mother. She oppressed our thoughts and feelings when it came to even asking a question. They weren't allowed to her. We had no problem asking our dad. He was open and made his feelings known that he thought ma was a tad bit of a prude. She's not that bad anymore, but growing up, I think she was trying to "protect" us. Even though I can talk about sex with her, if I told her anything about our LS, she'd stroke.

I used to feel almost like your wife. Reading here, reading more and really looking inside myself and my beliefs released me from those thoughts. We no longer embrace our Catholic faith. In fact, organized religion is not for us. We no longer go to mass, nor do we hide the fact that we despise what the church has done to it's younger members. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. I can do that and swing at the same time. We're not hurting anyone and all of our activities revolve around consenting adults who aren't hurting others, as well. I have no guilt about what we do. I love the sight of watching my husband with another woman and know that he's enjoying himself with her. I love that he gets variety of his own liking.

I love chocolate pudding, but it would get boring eating it ALL the time. I like variety as well. Tapioca, butterscotch, pistachio and even vanilla.

[Trace Ekies]

I had the catholic Mrs. Ekies read your post and these are her paraphrased thoughts...

When you go out and have good lifestyle fun do you take two steps forward and then take one step back? If so, that's progress...take careful stock of her and your progress...

Her second thought is a simple mantra we live by in our swingin' travels..."It's just sex"...

Mrs. Ekies still cooks, cleans, helps with homework, goes to volleyball games, plays cab driver, feeds the dogs, takes out the trash, does laundry, makes love to her husband, has lunch with old friends, excersizes, balances the checkbook, mows the grass and a multitude of other standard mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister/neighbor/volunteer things...swinging allows her to be the purely sexual being that lurks in the back of her mind in a safe and secure environment.

Like you, we've been together for 20 +/-....and we have touched something inside one another that can't be reached by others...

Good luck and welcome aboard!

Trace for Mrs. Ekies

[allaboutthemrs]

Originally Posted by Trace Ekies

When you go out and have good lifestyle fun do you take two steps forward and then take one step back? If so, that's progress...take careful stock of her and your progress...

We definitely make progress. Sometimes in the week or few weeks after it doesn't seem like it but not too long after I realize that we have made progress and that the positives of the experiences and her enjoyment in general has overcome her guilt.

I think also that when she sees I'm no different and that actually we have become even closer because of the experience that she relaxes and is able to view it with perspective for what it really was: a great experience.

Thanks to all for your responses so far.