Not sure what to do, need some advice

[twknight]

Hi,

I've lurked through the forums here for a while but never posted anything, but now I have something I need a little help with.

Last week out of the blue my wife told me that she wants me to sleep with other women, then come home and tell her about it. She also told a good friend of her's she could "borrow" me because she hasn't had any good sex in a while. My wife says it's a big turn on for her, and I can tell she's not lying. She also says she thinks it would make me less jealous. She is a pathological flirt and it gets on my nerves sometimes because I am very jealous/insecure. She's been with other men (before we were married) and she is the only woman I've ever been with. Which doesnt bother me at all, however she thinks I should be with other women because she feels like she kept me from having fun, and that it would make our sex life better. I'm not sure what to do. I would never cheat on her or hurt her so I'm apprehensive about doing something like this. I'm afraid that she will change her mind and I would come home to her angry and upset and that it would ruin our marriage. I'm also afraid that she would want the same deal, which I told her I am not ok with.

Is this a typical fantasy? I would never be ok with her going out, being with another man, then coming home to me. So I sort of think it's a double standard, and that's not fair. But I told her that up front and she says she doesnt care and doesnt want to be with another man.

Does it sound like fun? Yes, I have a penis so of course it sounds fun. But it's not worth ruining our good relationship over. I'm just not sure what to do, and I dont understand her desire for this sort of thing.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Welcome, twknight, to the world of active membership at Swingersboard.

I have a strong suspicion that if we were loaned to this woman who has had no sex in a while, you would be thinking of your wife, the broad range of possible reactions that might be waiting for you upon your return home and you would have no fun. And what about the woman to whom you are loaned? How will she feel about herself the next morning? I believe you need to inquire a little further and learn the real reason your wife has made this suggestion.

~Michael

[bbarnsworth]

SW_PA_Couple offers some excellent advice above. I think it would be a good idea to learn more of what is going on. Discuss this more and make sure you're both on the same page.

For me personally, as a first time thing, I would find this hard to do without getting to know this other woman better, all three of us meeting together, etc. If my wife had just offered me out to stud, I'd feel uncomfortable. I don't even know that Mr. Happy would be up to the challenge.

Originally Posted by twknight

She also says she thinks it would make me less jealous. She is a pathological flirt and it gets on my nerves sometimes because I am very jealous/insecure.

You having sex with another woman with your wife's consent is not going to affect your jealousy/insecurity in regards to her behaviors. Just my opinion, but I'd be very surprised if it did.

Some people do report that the green eyed monster put in quite an appearance upon the first time they saw their spouse having sex with someone else, but that seeing it and knowing their spouse came home with them made them realize the sky wouldn't land on their heads if their spouse had sex with someone else.

But, that's not the case here. You having sex with someone else isn't going to diminish your concerns about your wife having sex with someone else.

Originally Posted by twknight

I would never cheat on her or hurt her so I'm apprehensive about doing something like this. I'm afraid that she will change her mind and I would come home to her angry and upset and that it would ruin our marriage.

I would take her at her word; many people find it highly erotic for their spouse to go out having sex with someone else and come home to tell about it. But, I would also have extended conversation with her. Make sure it's not a passing fancy, that it's a real solid interest and not just a fantasy better left in the bedroom. Also, you having sex with another woman where everyone's in agreement with everything isn't cheating. Get past that thought. My wife and I have been swingers for two years. We've never, ever cheated on each other and never would. We have had sex with other people. Social programming makes it hard to detach the thought that having sex with someone other than your spouse is cheating. Try as best you can to not take counsel of your fears that this is somehow wrong because your upbringing has programmed you to believe this is cheating.

Originally Posted by twknight

I'm also afraid that she would want the same deal, which I told her I am not ok with.

I've the reverse situation. I'm ok with my wife playing alone. She's not ok with me playing alone, and has said it's highly unlikely she ever would be ok with it. That's ok, and it works for us. We've never ever pushed a "tit-for-tat" scenario on to each other, and never would. Spend time discussing this, make sure you (both of you together) understand where this is going.

Originally Posted by twknight

Is this a typical fantasy? I would never be ok with her going out, being with another man, then coming home to me. So I sort of think it's a double standard, and that's not fair. But I told her that up front and she says she doesnt care and doesnt want to be with another man.

I see it more often in men than in women, but yes it's a typical fantasy. The question isn't so much if it's a typical fantasy, but if it's something that can comfortably be reality. Fantasy doesn't = reality, and the reality might be quite different for both of you. Some things are better left as fantasy. Only the two of you together can determine that.

Originally Posted by twknight

Does it sound like fun? Yes, I have a penis so of course it sounds fun. But it's not worth ruining our good relationship over. I'm just not sure what to do, and I dont understand her desire for this sort of thing.

I don't understand my desire and fantasies of my wife having sex with other men, playing solo or with me there. I stopped trying to understand it. I was spending too much thought time trying to figure it out, trying to understand how I could possibly want that. What I do know is that I very much enjoy her having sex with other men. That's enough for me now. I don't have to answer 'why'.

Your wife may not understand why herself. She could just be understanding herself that it is very erotic for her, and she would like it to happen. Also, her desire for you to experience sex with another woman is a gift.

Talk with her at length, make sure you're both on the same page. Make sure your relationship is rock solid stable. Open honesty is the key.

A few months from now, you may find yourself being lucky enough to have two women in your life with whom you can have sex as often as everyone likes. I'm aware of a poly triad of which one of the triad posts here on this forum. Their triad started in much the same way. I'm not suggesting you're going to find yourself in a poly situation, but there are many doors to wonderful things here. The key is to walk together in this adventure.

Also, keep your mind open. Nobody is expected to change their minds, nor should you feel bad if you don't. But, you may find yourself being very turned on by the thought of your wife having sex with other men. Things change. When my wife and I first started talking about swinging, it was crystal clear that she didn't want to have sex with someone else. Fast forward two years, and she's always looking forward to her next encounter. You just never know. Work with what you have in the here and now, but most of all work together.

[slevin]

There is a chance that she is interested in other guys and sees this as a way to get that. You know your wife better than we ever will, so you'll have to look at the situation to decide if she is telling the truth that there are no ulterior motives. Before she brought this up were you suspicious that there was someone she wanted to have sex with, or someone she was too flirty with? Or is this really out of the blue?

I think there is a chance that being with some other women could help your jealousy. It sounds a bit backwards, and I might take a bit of backlash for it, but here are my thoughts. Often people feel jealous due to fear; fear of losing their loved one, fear of embarrassment, fear of being alone etc. If a guy knows, through experience, that other women find him attractive and that he can enjoy the company of women other than his wife it gives him some confidence. He can now relax and enjoy his relationship without the fear of what would happen if that relationship ended. It's not that anyone could replace his wife, but if the worst happened he knows he won't have to be alone. That is a very empowering feeling.

It's not a guarantee that it will cure the jealousy, but I think that can have an impact on a mans confidence and his ability to relax and enjoy his relationship.

[ViSexual]

You know, you might feel more comfortable if your wife was with you. Then you could actually see her reaction, and approvals, as things developed.

So, next time she mentions it just say "sure, if you're there too"!

And about your not wanting her to do the same? Well, is that because you would't be there? This thing with your wife's friend could lead to finding a couple that you're comfortable with and allow your wife to have fun along with you.

[fun4Ds]

First I would like to welcome you to the board, twknight

My only question....

Is there quite a bit of age difference between each of you ?

I get the feeling your wife is far more experienced than you. Not only physically but emotionally as well.

If I'm correct, and your wife would fall into the category of possibly a "cougar" (and I mean that in the best of ways, as I'm married to a cougar myself....lol)

Then, make your wife happy..... Your in good hands

We hope you return someday, to possibly clarify my error... or shed some new light. Many have given great insight at this point, we can only go on what we read and how we interpret your situation.

I for one, even if I'm wrong about your ages (my apology if so) think your wife is trying to show you something about yourself and possibly live a better, less jealous/insecure life. Don't take that for granted..... Enjoy the fact you have someone like this, its just a mater of communication... and with that, comes growth and maturity.....

Don't be a stranger,
fun4ds

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Twknight! We're glad you've joined us.

I come from the school of thought that if a couple doesn't do it together, it ain't swinging. That's just my opinion. There are plenty here who'll disagree.

Have you suggested to your wife that you and she consider a threesome with the "lady in need?" My guess is that you'd less jealous, especially if you were the center of attention.

Alura

[sexcupid]

How were you before you met your wife? Did you have many girlfriends? Were you social?

If you didn't or weren't...you sound like my ex-hubby. Even though he was older than I was, he had never had sex with anyone before and only had 1 girlfriend. I had had boyfriends and a handful of sex partners before I met my husband. And I was pretty flirty...I had more guy friends than girl friends...and it drove him crazy at times. I never could see what the fussing was because I always went home with him, I wasn't interested in picking up another guy...it was fun and usually an ego boost that someone else thought I was cute enough to flirt with in the first place. Besides...because he was oh let's say...clueless to the fact I was interested in him at first...I flirted with him like crazy and eventually got tired of waiting for him to ask me out so I did the asking.

He liked to hear stories of my prior experiences...I wanted him to go out and have sex with someone else. Because he very closely associated the sex and love thing. I figured it was because he had never previously placed himself in social situations that would have allowed for more casual encounters. I was hoping on some level he would see that sex with other people wasn't such a big deal (ie didn't have to be catastrophic to us). I mean, how could he understand that if he never had sex with someone other than me? The thing was I wanted to play too and had...but wanted him to play to build some confidence to do things as a couple on down the road. But I was very upfront about wanting that when my hubby and I were talking. She has said that is not what she wants (but I can understand having the doubts on your part that it might not come up in the future).

All that was to just help you understand that what your wife wants for you isn't entirely unusual...but you need to figure out why you are so insecure with her. You don't say how long you have been married or together...has she or someone else ever done anything to make you think she wouldn't be faithful? Has she always been flirty? It usually seems that the qualities that draw us to a person can be the same qualities that drive us nuts years later. Have you never felt attracted to someone other than your wife after you were married? Some people have the idea that once you are married you aren't allowed to look or "enjoy the sights" any more...that doesn't have to be true (most people have a look but don't touch policy).

The thing is, if you don't feel like you can do what she wants because you don't think its fair or because you think it will come back to bite you in the ass at a later time (ie her wanting to play with some guy b/c you already got to play with someone else)...then don't do it. Take the time to talk out all possible scenarios and concerns.

Good luck!

[traveling cpl]

You have an interest in the lifestyle and no doubt so does your wife, otherwise you wouldn't be here. At this stage she is setting her comfort zone. I would go with her wants, at the same time just letting her know up-front, how you feel.

[twknight]

Thanks for all the responses and help. Sorry i have been UA, just very busy, but I have an update.

Is there quite a bit of age difference between each of you ?
I get the feeling your wife is far more experienced than you. Not only physically but emotionally as well.

I am actually a year older than she is but we are both pretty young. I'm 23, she's 22, but she is lightyears ahead of me emotionally.

you need to figure out why you are so insecure with her. You don't say how long you have been married or together...has she or someone else ever done anything to make you think she wouldn't be faithful?

We have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. The reason I'm so insecure is because Last December I went to boot camp, and she had an emotional affair with a friend of her's while I was gone. She says she didnt have sex with him, but I will never know for sure. I was extremely confident in my wife and in our marriage before I left, so when I found out, it was something I was not expecting at all. We've worked through the problems we had that made her go to someone else, but Ive been very insecure and jealous ever since. It doesnt help that I am still in training and can't live with her. I talk to her every day, and spend weekends and a few days during the week with her when I can, but hopefully soon I'll be able to move off base and live with her.

Now to end this post on a good note. I talked to my wife about it, and last weekend we had a mff with her friend. We all had a great time and she isn't angry or jealous about it at all, which was my biggest fear. We both would like to do it again, and I'm very glad it happened.

How were you before you met your wife? Did you have many girlfriends? Were you social?

Before my wife, I only dated one girl, and until last weekend my wife was the only woman I've ever had sex with. I was not social at all and the situation you described sounds a lot like mine. I have always thought that sex=love and never had sex just for fun. So last week was a real eye opener. Sex is fun, and bringing someone else into our marriage didnt hurt either of us at all. Right now I'm on the fence of whether or not we could do a full swap with another couple. I am more confident in myself, and my wife, but I'm not sure I'd be ok with seeing her with another man yet.

[Baconheads]

Bless you for what you do for our country

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by slevin

There is a chance that she is interested in other guys and sees this as a way to get that.

My first thought too, but I'm a cynic.

[Edison Carter]

Whenever the phrase,"out of the blue," is used, I see a red flag.

Before Swinging you need to be in a place of complete trust and honesty. You cannot get there if you think she may have had sex with the man from the emotional affair. Until there is no doubt in your mind, or that you're okay if she did, then you really are playing with fire. Glad to hear you Played as a team. I think you need to always Play as a team.

Good luck.

[DBLPAR]

Here's the odd part for me.

You've never had sex with anyone else and never thought of it, wanted it, or would allow her to do it...yet, your first sentence is that you have been lurking here (on a swinging website) for a long time, and she only brought this up just the other day.

Why the lurking??

It seems you have had thoughts of something. I don't research how to build rockets, cuz I just have no interest.

You can help yourself discover the answers to your own questions by being honest with yourself first.