First Step

[MyWife&Me]

I first brought up the idea of introducing others to our sex life about 4 years ago after a role playing session just made something click inside me. At the time she thought we should just keep it in our fantasy world. Fast forward ahead about a year, upon finding Facebook and reconnecting with several old high school friends she connected with her first real boyfriend who she hadn’t seen or talked to in over 15 years. She comes to find out that he and his wife have just entered the lifestyle and he would very much like to initiate us.

This ex was the first guy to ever play with her boobs or finger her. They did lots of heavy petting, including mutual masturbation, but no actual sex, oral or otherwise. He and his wife live in the same area she grew up in which is about 180 miles away from where we live now.

This excited me very much and she was intrigued by the idea. When she learned they were members of Adult Friend Finder we were able to find their profile and emailed them as an anonymous couple. For a week she teased him including putting up faceless nude pictures for them to see. Once she came clean with him and let him know it was her we continued chatting with them including a video chat session where we watched them have sex. He was very much still attracted to her. I told my wife this was the perfect couple to break into the lifestyle with. She was comfortable with him I found his wife attractive and the feelings were mutual.

We had a trip planned to the area for a family gathering and they asked us, while we were there, to come by for a visit and maybe more. We planned on going right up to the day but my wife got too nervous and we backed out. So she still hasn’t seen this guy in person for 20 years.

That was two years ago. After that my wife and him keep in contact off and on through Facebook with the occasional reference to sexual memories and how he and his wife were progressing in the lifestyle. My interest in swinging never died off and I would bring it up now and again over the last two years. She would claim to be interested in being with a woman and a MFM threesome really appeals to her. But her issue is with jealousy when thinking about me being with another woman.

I’ve encouraged the MFM fantasy for a while and then yesterday happened. During a chat on Facebook with the ex he asked if she/we were still interested in the lifestyle or if it was just a phase. She told him about my continued interest and her issue with jealousy that has kept us out. He suggested a MFM threesome and he’d love to be the second M. I asked her what she thought and she told me she was open to it. When she told me about this I encouraged her to talk more about it with him. It turns out that he says he and his wife do play occasionally alone.

So this morning after sleeping on it we talked about it and my wife thinks that even though her ex is not the most attractive possibility, that the comfort level with him will be more important. And I also know she is a bit curious as to what it would be like to have sex with him after all this time. So we agreed to proceed with this guy with the following plan. First my wife is going to let him know we are interested in having him as the third for our first MFM threesome. But before that happens she wants to talk to his wife to make sure she knows what’s going on and that his wife approves. Also my wife wants to chat, talk, and meet non-sexually with him before we get down to the actual threesome meeting.

I’m extremely excited about the looming possibility of taking our first step into the lifestyle. I’m just wondering what everyone thinks of this scenario and if we’re approaching it correctly or if we are making any mistakes. Sorry this was so long I just wanted to give everyone a glimpse of how we got here.

[ENCRYPTEDTX]

I am one that usually cautions against meeting a friend for a first time experience in the lifestyle, but this is different for a few reasons:

While this is a friend, and old flame it is just that....OLD. The sparks that existed were 15 years ago and those embers have long been extinguished. If it were a recent ex, that would be a red flag for sure.

You are doing the right thing by having her talk with his wife about it, meeting first in a non sexual way and placing her comfort first.

I think you guys have some great communication, but you will both want to be the devils advocate and ask each other how you feel about

Kissing?
What if he is bigger?
What if he is smaller?
Better performer or maybe more experienced or talented?
Condoms?
Boundaries? What lines do you NOT want to cross?


This is a very short list but will help get you thinking of other things.

Best of luck and be sure to update everyone.

Kyle

[lustylearning]

Welcome to the board. There are plenty of people who will tell you that exes and friends are not the way to go, and plenty of others who have made it work. One thing I would caution you about. Don't assume that her jealousy will go away just because she wants to have sex with her potential partner.

Hope all goes well in whatever adventures you may share!

[Cajun2Step]

To quote you:
This ex was the first guy to ever play with her boobs or finger her. They did lots of heavy petting, including mutual masturbation, but no actual sex, oral or otherwise. He and his wife live in the same area she grew up in which is about 180 miles away from where we live now.
-----------------------
It is erotic to hear and think about past history. We have done that and some of our best sex follows. However, 180 miles and reconnecting with an old flame would be to close and too dangerous for us. Personally we believe there is a better way for your first time. However that is just our opinion and we will not have to live with the possible that may follow.

[LikeMinds321]

I suggest that you make sure you are a part of every step of this process. Although your wife tells the ex you are on board, he has no way of being sure of this unless he hears your voice.

You and your wife should go together to meet him and his wife. I don't think your wife should meet with the other wife alone. In fact, it seems it would be a good thing if your next First Step would be for all four people to meet. This way you know exactly what is said by the ex and his wife, rather than your wife trying to report back to you. It's very hard to remember everything that is being said during a meeting, so it would be an advantage to your wife and you to be in every conversation and meeting together. How you each preceive this couple's body language and responses may be different.

Good luck with this.

LM

[fun4Ds]

You be the teacher and we'll be the student on this one. We all learn from each other on the Swingers Board.

Please keep us informed and continue posting. At this point I see no right or wrong, you guys are very self informative and show great communication, to say the least.

And by the way, welcome back to the board


fun4ds

[biplayfulcouple]

We were in the lifestyle for a year or two, when the very same thing happened to us. We had maintained close contact (but long dist) with some non lifestyle, high school/college buddies that live several hundred miles away. We never played with them when we were younger. But we found out that they always had the hots for us, and us for them! We ended up meeting them and playing with them. Since that time we have gotten together many more times and started full swapping with them. It's awesome!

[bbarnsworth]

So far, no major red flags popping up. I think LikeMinds321 is absolutely correct; the meeting should be all four of you. Everybody will be a much greater ease and comfort if you do.

I'd also caution that there be no expectation beyond the proposed MFM. Make that clear to yourselves and to the other couple. Everything is step by step.

Also, ENCRYPTEDTX is quite right; discuss every angle of this before doing it. The first time has lots and lots of unknowns. Talk with your wonderful wife about all these subjects and more.

As lustylearning pointed out, stock advice usually is don't make playmates out of friends. I too don't think the stock advice applies here.

What I'm reading into this is you are happy to move along at a faster pace than your wife. There's nothing wrong with that. But, the stock advice in that regards applies in spades; always go at the pace of the slowest. Certainly do not push your wife. Just open doors. If she chooses to walk through them, then great. If she doesn't, then great. But, don't get disappointed if she doesn't. It's all part of the journey. Don't get your expectations incredibly high either. Just enjoy what comes.

Remember, remember, remember; you're in this TOGETHER.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

So far, no major red flags popping up. I think LikeMinds321 is absolutely correct; the meeting should be all four of you. Everybody will be a much greater ease and comfort if you do.

I'd also caution that there be no expectation beyond the proposed MFM. Make that clear to yourselves and to the other couple. Everything is step by step.

Also, ENCRYPTEDTX is quite right; discuss every angle of this before doing it. The first time has lots and lots of unknowns. Talk with your wonderful wife about all these subjects and more.

As lustylearning pointed out, stock advice usually is don't make playmates out of friends. I too don't think the stock advice applies here.

What I'm reading into this is you are happy to move along at a faster pace than your wife. There's nothing wrong with that. But, the stock advice in that regards applies in spades; always go at the pace of the slowest. Certainly do not push your wife. Just open doors. If she chooses to walk through them, then great. If she doesn't, then great. But, don't get disappointed if she doesn't. It's all part of the journey. Don't get your expectations incredibly high either. Just enjoy what comes.

Remember, remember, remember; you're in this TOGETHER.

Absolutely, I would however disagree with the "list" ENCRYPTEDTX yes there are generalities that need to be worked out, whats in, whats out.. but worrying about being bigger, smaller, better or worse..

Bottom line, and the only red flag I see, is the meeting between the ex, and your wife.. even if its supposed to be non sexual. Be there, for support, and to make sure this is a person YOU want to invite into your bedroom or share your loved one with.

I do not care if its 15, 20, or 50 years later, there is an unspoken question in your wifes mind.. If as you say they never actually did anything beyond heavy petting, the question of what He is like in bed has swirled her brain at least once or twice.. The trip and nerves .. it happens..

There is an unspoken component that hasnt been addressed by the rest of the posters.

In a perfect world and I might wonder if its not lurking in the back of your brain.. The concept of fair is fair, or whats good for the goose..

Her frank statement about jealousy needs to be worked out. Sure, granting her fantasy, might lead to a relaxation of her attitude concerning this, but, it might not. It does suggest a small insecurity concerning the relationship you have, perhaps because of a previous expereince, I dunno, its an unspoken thing, but it needs to be discussed and she needs to be re assured of your feelings for her. Once of the things I always tell newbies is, be sure to explain regardless of what happens during the evening, at the end of the night, you are still going home together.. your relationship is first and foremost, enjoy sex, is like enjoying a great game of ______ (insert whatever team sport here) its done for mutual enjoyment and pleasure.

I may be way off base, and concerned over something that doesnt need to be, but, I believe as was pointed out, cover all the bases.

[MyWife&Me]

First I want to thank everyone for their advice it is much appreciated. I guess in my original post I wasn’t clear that our plan was for both of us to meet with him once before anything sexual occurs. The meeting is as much for me as it is for my wife since I have never met him before.

Also it has been mentioned that there be no expectation beyond the proposed MFM on my part. I can assure you that I have none. I am very voyeuristic by nature so a leading motivation for swinging with me all along has been seeing her with another man. But I understand completely that this something we’re in together and I will heed the advice given to move at the pace of the slowest, to not push for things, and to let her find her own way.

Also I have an update. We chatted with him yesterday, just some general swinging chat, asking him about his experience level with MFM threesomes, etc. His answer to my wife’s question of what happens if someone gets cold feet really put a lot of her fears to rest. He told her if that happens then we just stop with no hard feelings. That he has experienced that situation before and everyone left as friends. This really did make her feel more comfortable.

We decided to talk some more on our own before extending the offer to join us for a threesome and we’ve done that today. She is quite nervous about another man touching her (we’ve been married for 15 years) and at the same time excited to be fulfilling a fantasy. We’ve agreed that we are ready to proceed and invite him to join us. We’re taking a long weekend trip away starting tomorrow and we’re going to talk to him on Monday when we get back. I will keep everyone updated.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by MyWife&Me

His answer to my wife’s question of what happens if someone gets cold feet really put a lot of her fears to rest. He told her if that happens then we just stop with no hard feelings. That he has experienced that situation before and everyone left as friends. This really did make her feel more comfortable.

One of the most common, basic, fundamental rules of swinging is "No means no". No can be said at ANYtime, ANYplace. You can even be in the act of having sex with someone, with both of you close to orgasm and decide NO, voice it, and be done. The only time you CAN'T say no is after something has happened. All you can do at that point is choose to learn from the experience.

Nobody...NOBODY...should feel they must do something out of expectations placed by other people. Your wife should never, ever feel obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do herself, even if this other fellow wants it, even if you want it, even if she agreed to it before.

We all reserve the right to change our minds at any moment, for any reason, and walk away.

My wife and I have a hard and fast rule about this (though it's never been invoked by either of us): If for any reason one of us wants to pull the plug, we voice it. The other will agree and leave together, without challenge or question. We can then talk about it after we're out of the situation. This rule is very important; it's empowering. We both maintain control over any given situation, and both respect each other's wishes. That rule was in place the first time we swung, and has remained in place since. It's never been invoked because we've been having too much fun

Just some general advice, not really asked for but adding this in...

This wasn't an obstacle to us swinging, but my wife had difficulty wrapping her head around the idea that I actively wanted her to have sex with other men, and would greatly enjoy watching her do so. She doesn't have a problem with me having sex with other women, but she doesn't extract much vicarious pleasure from it. Also, it took lots of support and patience for her to feel comfortable enough to voice to me that she was sexually attracted to someone else. Your wife may encounter (or has) similar feelings.

[MyWife&Me]

I have an update for everyone. We have taken the next step towards our first MFM threesome. We have asked him if he’d be interested in joining us and of course he said yes. So we are set to meet with him for dinner and drinks the next time he is in our area, which is a week from Friday. He also told us that he has gotten the green light from his wife to join us. Now we haven’t confirmed this with her yet but we feel comfortable moving ahead with this get to know (for me) and get reacquainted (for my wife) dinner. Of course if things go well the next thing will be to talk to her directly to make sure she’s onboard with this proceeding to the next step.

One other thing, as a surprise for my wife I purchased “Between a Cock and a Hard Place” DVD for us to watch together. She had asked to see some MFM porn to get ideas for when we actually have our MFM. We watched it over the weekend and it really got her heated up. She got so worked up that we used her Jack Rabbit vibrator as a “third person”. Also she got the idea of texting him while we did all this. It was very exciting for everyone and made for a really memorable night.

[bbarnsworth]

Sounds great so far

[bi4me2]

(him) Well I'll chime in here and say I'm not 100% sure an old flame, no matter how old is a good way to go, let alone a good way to start out.

Don't know and maybe it's just me but if she came to me and wanted to play with an old flame I'd be a tad leery of it and I'm pretty sure she would say the same thing. There's an emotional past (link) there and more times than not I have seen emotional links cause issues between couples that swing.

[bi4me2]

Originally Posted by MyWife&Me

I have an update for everyone. We have taken the next step towards our first MFM threesome. We have asked him if he’d be interested in joining us and of course he said yes. So we are set to meet with him for dinner and drinks the next time he is in our area, which is a week from Friday. He also told us that he has gotten the green light from his wife to join us. Now we haven’t confirmed this with her yet but we feel comfortable moving ahead with this get to know (for me) and get reacquainted (for my wife) dinner. Of course if things go well the next thing will be to talk to her directly to make sure she’s onboard with this proceeding to the next step.

One other thing, as a surprise for my wife I purchased “Between a Cock and a Hard Place” DVD for us to watch together. She had asked to see some MFM porn to get ideas for when we actually have our MFM. We watched it over the weekend and it really got her heated up. She got so worked up that we used her Jack Rabbit vibrator as a “third person”. Also she got the idea of texting him while we did all this. It was very exciting for everyone and made for a really memorable night.

(her) Is it just me or does something just not sit right here?

You start out with an "old flame" of hers (sounds like a coulda, woulda, shoulda) and his wife and now you're talking MFM. What happened to the wife?

This whole situation screams 'major fishy' to me. Not trying to play devils advocate but this does not sound like the best scenario for a good outcome.