Why get into swinging?

[Ambition87]

Hello All!

Brand new to this whole thing, and I have a question for anyone who can help.

My wife and I are recently married after being together for 5+ years. We are in our mid 20s currently and have only ever been with each other (sexually). We've been bouncing around the concept of swinging for the past few months.

Our sex life has been relatively average throughout the years. My wife enjoys sex, however the frequency of her orgasms have decreased over the years. She finds me attractive, however I think that she's losing the spark a bit. She wants to sleep with another man to ignite the spark and apply it to our relationship.

She's more interested in sleeping with another man to try it out. I'm open to the idea of sleeping with another woman, but just not as excited as she is for herself. We have discussed her sleeping with a guy she knows, who she is physically attracted to - however has zero feelings for (and is insistent she never will). I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity although I believe humans are instinctively against monogamy.

My concerns are in the fact that this male is a single male. He has nothing close to the type of relationship that my wife & I have. This makes him a bit threatening to me, because of the lack of balance. He'll have something to one-up me on. We've discussed perhaps having a threesome (MFF) in order for it to be a fair exchange of sorts.

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

If anyone could give me some sort of advice - I would greatly appreciate it!

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Ambition 87! We're glad to have you with us and feel sure the answers from the fine folks who hang out here will help y'all with a question which all new swingers must answer. I hope you will stop by our Introductions Forum and tell us about yourselves. Don't hesitate to add your opinion to any thread or ask any question.

You're right that singles, unlike couples, have nothing to lose in swinging. Some understand how couples feel, but more don't seem to.

For that reason, I'm going to suggest y'all have your first experience with another couple. That levels the playing field in a way that would seem to make y'all more comfortable. It also makes more possibilities, MF MF, MFFM, MFM, FMF, etc., if two couples take turns.

An experience my late wife and I had was with a couple who'd married as seniors in high school and had never experienced anyone else. We were the second for each and it worked well. We played periodically for several years.

Good Luck

Alura

[sweet_tna]

Welcome aboard. I think before you decide upon who will be a part of your first swing experience, I think you two should have a look around this board and/or The Swingers Manual by Just Ask Julie. This will help give you a better idea of what you and your wife would be getting yourselves into.

Swinging is loads of fun, and can not only bring you and your spouse closer, you have the potential to make some wonderful friends. But first, you have to decide what it is you and your wife want out of this experience. That requires communication, and heaps of it.

Best of luck to y'all,

=)

[socolais]

Welcome to the board.

I think everyone of us had to evaluate risks vs. benefits, not only for the first time but for each sexual adventure we share with others. The first time is a 'big gamble' for most of us, and the ones that felt the benefits outweighed the costs are the ones that hang around this forum. The others must be hanging out in some political chat room I think the big difference between the two groups, is 'respect for eachother' (and perhaps a bit of luck). Selfishness is not sexy in a spouse or in a playmate.

So far, it sounds like you're on a good track with your exploration.

I also agree with Alura, find an experienced couple you can talk face-to-face with.

[prometheius]

Welcome to the board, hope it serves you well.

Originally Posted by Ambition87

I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity ...

Some people here may tell you that if you are not sure about what you are thinking of doing here, then you shouldn't do it, I would agree with them. The lifestyle does not suit most people.

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure.

There are many of us here who have jumped in head first, apprehensions and all, and things worked out fine for many of us. But, there are many seasoned swingers here that have seen this scenario go down in flames. Most successful swingers are in their 40's and have been together for many years. You are young and have plenty of time to figure this out. Don't rush into it without researching it.

And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

You can, take your time figuring out how you want to achieve that goal.

[Coupleerotic22]

Welcone to the Swingers Board.

I think you will find this question asked and answered in ways in this forum. It might be a good idea to look around and read some first, then ask again for specific questions you may have.

But as a base a few things are for sure.

• You should have a rock solid relationship BEFORE ever considering swinging.
• Swinging is not a solution to any problems in a relationship, those must be dealt with before swinging.
• Full, open and complete honesty and communication is critical.
• You will have to deal with certain issues, like jealousy, confusion and doubt to some degree, but the better the relationship and communication the easier that is.

Why do we swing?

• Because we enjoy the new and different experiences, some of which we could not do alone.
• We really enjoy sex.
• We enjoy seeing each other have fun.
• It adds a new dimension to our relationship.

[Newpants]

I have a few concerns about this situation and think there needs to be a little more soul searching and discussion before moving forward. My concerns are -

- She implies she will get some "spark" back in her marital sex life by banging some other specific available guy she has the hots for but essentially doesn't want to swing with her husband because she wants to "try it out" with this stud-dude first to see if it will work.

-This seems a little selfcentered and self-serving in that is her wanting to do this guy she has already picked out on her own for her own excitement and not something that they are working on together as a couple.

-The OP seems like deep down his motivation in this is for the wife to be more engaged and satisfied in their own sexlife rather than for him to be swinging himself. In other words if she were more engaged and satsified in their own relationship and sexlife he would be perfectly happy as a traditional monogamous couple.

-There isn't much discussion from his post that says that they are wanting to do this as a couple but rather for her to bang this one specific guy on her own to see if that makes her hornier in her own maritial bed.

I am just getting the gut feeling that she has the hots for this one specific guy and she is wanting permission to give him a test drive and try him out for size and is wanting permission up front to do it with the justification being that she will be hornier in their own sexlife.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Newpants

-There isn't much discussion from his post that says that they are wanting to do this as a couple but rather she wants to bang this one specific guy on her own to see if that makes her hornier in her own maritial bed.

I am just getting the gut feeling that she has the hots for this one specific guy and she is wanting permission to give him a test drive and try him out for size and is wanting permission up front to do it with the justification being that she will be hornier in their own sexlife.

Here is the vision I am having.

Sunday morning at the Ambition87 house - HE: "So honey, how was your date with Bob last night?"

SHE: "Oh God it was great! I'm really horny now lets get it on!" (fireworks follow)

HE: "Wow that was pretty hot, do you think I should get a girlfriend on the side too? "

SHE: "Ooooh I dunno, you know how I get kind of jealous. I guess you could give it a try. I guess you can ask someone if you can fuck them on the side but otherwise lets see how this works out with me fucking Bob. That got me pretty horny so I think this is all I need to get that spark back. I don't you really need to find anyone else. I think this is going to do the trick just fine."

Tues afternoon Mrs Ambition calls Mr Ambition at work - SHE: "Bob asked me to come over for dinner tonight and I was so horny the other day I said I would. Is that OK?"

That following weekend - SHE: "Bob has tickets for the concert this weekend and you know how revved up this band gets me, we are going to really have fun when I get home Sunday morning."

A couple weeks later - HE: " Honey you've been awfully busy and haven't been home much lately and you've seemed pretty distant and preoccupied lately. Is there something wrong?"

SHE: "Yeah, I'm sorry. Things have been crazy at work and I've stressed over all these other things and I just need to get away and unwind and think things through. Bob has gotten a great get-away package through his travel agent and has asked me to go with him to the Bahamas next week so I can get some relaxation on the beach and get my mind off of everything. I think by the time I get back from that I will know what it is that I am wanting to do."

Several months later- .......well you get the picture

[RDfnd]

Welcome Ambition87,

From what you have posted, I would highly advise against even considering swinging at this time. It is unarguably an activity for couples who minimally believe that they have a secure, rewarding relationship to begin with. Not those who may be looking to replace that.

As wonderful as swinging can be, it is still a challenge to keep everything in an acceptable balance for the best of relationships. Perhaps that is one of the things that is so very desirable, the conquest. Not of sex with someone other than your partner, but to mutually accomplish that and have it bring pleasure to both of you.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by Ambition87

. . . All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. . .

It seems to me that you are not lost at all. You have described exactly how you feel about your wife's suggestion. Better for the both of you to wait a while on this one. Good luck on whatever you decide and in growing you sex lives.

~Michael

[Coupleerotic22]

I think that was a bit harsh Newpants.

It has not been that long since we got into swinging, less than a year. And I remember well our first discussions about the topic. Things we wanted, and thought we wanted. Misconceptions we had. Early on, I remember my wife used the term "affair" when talking to another swinger. Being brand new to swinging and completely unaware of its social norms, that was just how she characterized having sex outside the marriage even with my consent and participation. She did not realize the use of the term was such a major faux pas, but once she did she learned the correct terminology and corrected how she referred to it.

In the end Newpants, you may be correct in your assessment, but it also maybe a clear Newbie mistake, not seeing the pitfalls and couching terms incorrectly. I will give the benefit of doubt to the OP.

prometheius, I agree with most of your post, except for one part, I would not tell them that if they are unsure about swinging at this stage to get out now. We had some apprehensive moments right up to the very last second. We have an extremely strong relationship and talked about swinging inside out over a long period of time. Even though we were both on the same page and agree completely we still had apprehension about the unknown. I would say that is not too uncommon from what I have experience and read. We quickly got over those apprehensions but not before we stuck our toes in the water.

As for the OP. There are a couple of things that make my ears perk up. First, you will find the prevailing wisdom is not to have sex with people you know from the vanilla world, or even swingers, that have been long time vanilla friends before you got into swinging. (Vanilla, by the way, refers to people who do not swing). Opinions vary, but most I have seen think it is a bad idea.

As for a "spark" my first thought was not a good. But he characterizes their sex life as average, i.e. normal. Having been together for well over 20 years, our sex life goes in cycles, at times we can't keep our hands off each other, at other times we slow down. It is depends on so many factors, whats going on in our lives, work, travel, the weather, phases of the moon.

When we first started talking about swinging, we felt we had a very good sex life, but we would have categorized our sex life as average as well when considered next to what we thought swinging was all about. Maybe even a bit boring, I mean really, compared to swapping partners, group sex etc, it really was. Looking back our sex life was pretty adventurous and probably not so average. But at the time we did not know that.

Your age and length of marriage may be another factor. You will find most swingers are a bit older and have been married for a while. Most, not all. It all depends on your maturity and how solid is your relationship. We have met people in the LS in there 50's married for decades that we thought shouldn't be swinging and young couples that truly got it.

Ambition87, I think you two are getting ahead of yourselves a bit, but that is understandable, everyone comes to the idea of swinging from a different place. You can't always choose how the idea comes to you, but you should understand that were that idea comes from, may be more telling than you realize. I think the concern here is that your wife may have found someone she wants to have sex with and this is just an excuse to do that with your permission. But on the flip side, it may just be this guy was the tipping point that made her realize she might like to have sex with other people, and what has transpired is an open and honest discussion.

You ask why people swing, you need to answer why you two want to swing. Picking out partners before you really understand why you want to do this is premature. It may turn out that the LS is not right for you, but you need to understand all the questions, (read these forums) and discuss it between you and your wife first. If you are satisfied that you understand what this is all about and still want to do it, and you and your wife can get on the same page, then maybe the LS is for you. If not them it probably isn't.

Last point, communication. For years we thought we communicated well. But we were married close to 20 years before we really were able to openly discuss anything and everything. Mostly we held back because we each were afraid of what the other MIGHT think. It was a little voice inside our heads that said, "If I say that s/he is going to be upset or get their feelings hurt". But we made an agreement to talk about everything, express our feelings about what the other said and try to understand it. We agreed to do this calmly and without judgment. When we say things things, that in the past would have hurt feelings or cause someone to be upset, now we simply tell the other, "I don't agree and here is why", or "I don't understand that, help me out". We continue to talk until we figure out what is best for us as a couple. We don't always agree initially but we get it worked out. Communication has to be open, nothing left unsaid or secret.

[RDfnd]

Hello?

If I'm not mistaken, in the thread we should be responding to OP first and foremost. We can all post our responses and opinions and let the OP pick and choose as it were.

The best advice that seems to have been communicated is that for a variety of reasons, swinging is not recommended for this couple. After all, that was the thread title: Why get into swinging?.

[prometheius]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

prometheius, I agree with most of your post, except for one part, I would not tell them that if they are unsure about swinging at this stage to get out now.

Unfortunately you misread what I meant. Rather than saying "get out now", I said, "if you are not sure about what you are thinking of doing here, then you shouldn't do it" (at least implying, not yet). I went on to say they both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually if they take their time figuring out how they want to achieve that goal.

Just clarifying.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Ambition87

Hello All!

Brand new to this whole thing, and I have a question for anyone who can help.

My wife and I are recently married after being together for 5+ years. We are in our mid 20s currently and have only ever been with each other (sexually). We've been bouncing around the concept of swinging for the past few months.

Our sex life has been relatively average throughout the years. My wife enjoys sex, however the frequency of her orgasms have decreased over the years. She finds me attractive, however I think that she's losing the spark a bit. She wants to sleep with another man to ignite the spark and apply it to our relationship.

She's more interested in sleeping with another man to try it out. I'm open to the idea of sleeping with another woman, but just not as excited as she is for herself. We have discussed her sleeping with a guy she knows, who she is physically attracted to - however has zero feelings for (and is insistent she never will). I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity although I believe humans are instinctively against monogamy.

My concerns are in the fact that this male is a single male. He has nothing close to the type of relationship that my wife & I have. This makes him a bit threatening to me, because of the lack of balance. He'll have something to one-up me on. We've discussed perhaps having a threesome (MFF) in order for it to be a fair exchange of sorts.

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

If anyone could give me some sort of advice - I would greatly appreciate it!

First Off Welcome Neighbor, Only an short drive north of Daytona..

Now to address your concerns. As we usually do, we refer you to our blog All about getting started..

The biggest thing you both need to do, is sit down and take a reality check. Its always hot to discuss these topics and flirt witth the idea of exploring what you have never had.. Someone Else, sexually

We around this forum offer all sort of advice, and the biggest being, talk until you both feel you have talked it to death, then start again.

You are dealing with relationship NAPALM.. Yes it can set the sheets of the bedroom on fire, but it can also burn to ashes any semblance of a relationship you have.

Your feelings and your writing scream this. The one thing unclear is are you both discussing the swinging seperate or as a couple (threesomes and foursomes) ?

As was offered by those above, it might be better to search for a like minded couple rather than a swinging single. Some folks get started with private meets, others go to clubs and house parties.. We prefer private ourselves

Its a choice to be discussed.. But, Since you are a young couple, there are a number of places LOCAL, that you can wade into the pool rather than JUMPING in.. Wanna try NUDISM, there is a place some 15 miles away, that is a Nude campsite/resort

If you are on Swing Lifestyle, look up, the Fantasy House, the places in deland and deltona, or the ones at the hotels in Kissimee..

Fantasy house is a smaller place, friendly, and all ages attend Fridays and Saturdays.. and there is NO PRESSURE..

As far as the M&M parties in deltona, we have never attended, but they, as well as those in attendance are nice people that for the most part we have talked to.

Feel free to contact us if you have any further questions..

[Ambition87]

First and foremost, thank you everyone for responding! Your thoughts and suggestions have varied, which is exactly what I wanted to read - thank you!

In response to a few of the replies - my wife and I have excellent communication. I understand that this would be nearly impossible without communication. I went to these boards probably a little earlier than normal, but I'm a bit lost on the whole concept. (Although my parents are swingers..)

Here's a little more background, this guy that she has 'selected' has been selected because of his looks as well as his ability to keep a secret. My wife really just wants to sleep with another guy to see how it is... It turns her on. I think the guy could be just about anyone who matched similar criteria (attractive, fit, clean, & secretive).

However her distaste for the thought of swinging with another couple comes with the fact that she perceives swinging as 'dirty' & 'not secretive'. I agree, at the moment I think it's a bit dirty (but this is coming from a mid 20s guy who's only slept with one woman ).

I'm quite certain I can handle the whole thought process of her sleeping with another man, but I don't like the loose ends of a single guy. But she feels that no one else at the moment can be trusted...

As of right now, we're both roughly about 50/50 on it - (I'm prob 40/60 against it & she's probably 60/40 for it)




It also sounds like a lot of distaste for bringing in vanilla people (lol not sure if I used that correctly) - which would include both this single guy as well as our potential threesome partner...