Should I leap into swinging at this time ?

[lovinglife77]

So I've been playing on the site for about a month. Loving it so far. Everyone is great with answering my questions. I love the sharing and everything that comes with it. Part of me wants to leap and the other half is scared to death. It's not like I have not ever done the 3somes. I have and for the most part they were great. I'm recently single but this subject came up prior to us spliting up. Part of me is intrigued by it all and the other half says I'm doing this for my partner. I know its not the solution to save a relationship. Its not even why we split. My partner is all for it part of me is wanting it. I just don't want the relationship to get more muddled with this.

Truly how do u go all in? I don't have a large circle of friends to approach and I'm so uncertain with the club expect. I also can't even see me and my partner getting the same thing out of it. I want what I want and he wants what he wants. I sometimes wonder how we get along so well in the bedroom area when he now has truly told me what he desire's.

Even if I continue to go this route with my partner or as a single. Im still confused to how I really leap into it.

Thanks please reply or PM me.

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, Amy

I'm not sure how to answer your questions....They're certianly valid ones... I do believe we learn allot about ourselves as well as our partners in the lifestyle journey. I'm not sure if you will be involved as a single, seperate from your partner completely. Could you provide a little more information ?

We believe in a strong devotion to Safety, Sanity and then Sex. I know thats not a direct answer, but something we do consider as a start.

We hope you enjoy the comunity here as well as the information and advice, provided by all.


Fun4ds

[bbarnsworth]

I'm a bit confused. You're recently single but have a partner? Is the person you recently split from still your partner or are these two different people?

As to how to "go all in" (fun term!), as a single female in the lifestyle you hold every card. Stock answers here, but you're a person who will be in VERY high demand. There's plenty of reasons for a single female to be in the lifestyle, but even so there are not that many single females in the lifestyle. There's zillions of couples looking for a single female for a play partner.

To get started, set up a profile on a swinger site, such as swinglifestyle.com. Be particular about what you are looking for. You will get a DELUGE of mail. Expect it. Be selective; know what you are looking for, and filter out the mail based on that. From there, meet some couples and decide from there if you want to play with them or not. You can be very selective with what couples you play with, and still have your swinging calendar absolutely full.

fun4Ds is right; safety, sanity, then sex.

Also, keep asking questions! We'll answer everything we can as honestly as we can. This forum is a great resource.

[RDfnd]

Hi Amy,

I am a bit confused. You say that you are recently single, but then talk about a partner and a relationship.

If you are in any way unsure of the exact status of a relationship (which seems to be the case), then your statement: "I just don't want the relationship to get more muddled with this." is quite appropriate. Swinging alone or together could be very problematic in a situation with such uncertainty.

Swinging seems to work best for couples who have a stable, healthy relationship and mutually come to the realization that more traditional thinking with respect to how couples conduct themselves sexually, may not be for them. Also, singles who are most successful are in fact single and don't have any physical or emotional obligations assumed or implied to a partner.

As fun4Ds has said, "I do believe we learn a lot about ourselves as well as our partners in the lifestyle journey."

I would add that to make the most of it, enter the lifestyle from as stable and solid an initial position as possible.

Best of luck.

[lovinglife77]

To say the least me and my partner officially broke up about 2wks ago. Our lives are still very tangled. So there has been a slip up of us still romantically linked. I love this man and at times he can sometimes wipe the slate clean. The real issue's in the relationship are his issues not mine. Instead of him wanting to lean towards me he pushes me away.

I stay firm on that we can't moved forward into this lifestyle until he's resolved his issue's. He hears me and understands where I'm coming from. He says he agrees but of course since we've split there is a little self doubt.

He tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone else unless I'm included in it. I asked just yesterday how would he feel if I was sneaking behind his back and sleeping with other men of course his response was turned on. I'm sightly confused by that statement but it is what it is.

I think the thing is that I chat with others to share and understand things. Its also helping me get more comfortable that nothing is so outside the box. He can't really tell me why he chats with others its just something he does. Which I have no problem with. I just want to be included and share.

I presented to him this week that he wants me to give 100% of my self but him not do the same. It wasn't always like that but for whatever reason he has withdrew.

As for me being single now. I still want to have a healthy sex life but don't want the attachment right now because things are uncertain with me and the ex. I guess I want to take back the power. Which I did this lifestyle yrs ago when another one of my relationships got very muddled with problems. To say the least I loved it but I went into very blindly I don't want to do the same this 2nd time around.

[Newpants]

Think of swinging as an amplifyer, it intensifys what is already there. If a couple has a rock-solid, satisfying relationship it will intensify that.

If a couple has issues and problems it will intensify that.

You obviously have issues and problems. Swinging will intensify those issues and problems.

My guess is your partner wants to bang other chicks and wants you to help him find them and then give him permission to bang them.

[RDfnd]

Maybe it's time to step back and take a good, thorough look at where you are at. Focus first on yourself and your needs. Only then should you expand into the realm of a relationship and partner. As Newpants has said, swinging will intensify both the good and not so good. Best to avoid that intensification right now.

[lovinglife77]

Originally Posted by Newpants

Think of swinging as an amplifyer, it intensifys what is already there. If a couple has a rock-solid, satisfying relationship it will intensify that.

If a couple has issues and problems it will intensify that.

You obviously have issues and problems. Swinging will intensify those issues and problems.

My guess is your partner wants to bang other chicks and wants you to help him find them and then give him permission to bang them.

I don't feel that I have issue's he's the one with the issue's not me. LOL!!! My issue with everything is his timing of it. We've talked alot about the real issues and the swinging issue. He doesn't really so much want this to be with a woman so he says. He just wants to see me with another man. I do think there could be a little of if I open the door that he thinks naturally the other will open. It could but only if he has fixed the other issues first.

I think my issues are I never knew he was missing something. Im 11yrs younger then him. This is not a lack of sex really on either partner. He just has some different taste then what I would like. I'm willing to experiment on just about all levels but only if there is balance in the relationship. Some of his taste that is different is triggered by what he his emotionally going through. I have already told him if that's what he truly wants then find someone else that is into that stuff. I know I'm being vague but Im trying not to put all his personal issues out on the table.

I already know that if the relationship is 100% fixed that we both will take something very different from this. Meaning a lifestyle of swinging. I don't see that as a bad thing. We all are sometimes very different to what we want or like in the bedroom.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by lovinglife77

I don't feel that I have issue's he's the one with the issue's not me. LOL!!! My issue with everything is his timing of it. We've talked alot about the real issues and the swinging issue. He doesn't really so much want this to be with a woman so he says. He just wants to see me with another man. I do think there could be a little of if I open the door that he thinks naturally the other will open. It could but only if he has fixed the other issues first.

I think my issues are I never knew he was missing something. Im 11yrs younger then him. This is not a lack of sex really on either partner. He just has some different taste then what I would like. I'm willing to experiment on just about all levels but only if there is balance in the relationship. Some of his taste that is different is triggered by what he his emotionally going through. I have already told him if that's what he truly wants then find someone else that is into that stuff. I know I'm being vague but Im trying not to put all his personal issues out on the table.

I already know that if the relationship is 100% fixed that we both will take something very different from this. Meaning a lifestyle of swinging. I don't see that as a bad thing. We all are sometimes very different to what we want or like in the bedroom.

I think when Newpants said "you had issues" he using the community "you", in other words your relationship. Because if one person has issues in a relationship, you both have issues. Yes, he may be the one that has the commitment issue (or whatever it is), but it also impacts you.

It also sounds like you are straddling the fence on your relationship, or at least taking a wait and see attitude between single and couple. Maybe that ball is in his court, so you have to decide if you are going to put your life on hold and wait for him to get it together or are you going to move on and let him catch up if he decides that is what he wants.

If you choose to pursue the LS as a single female, not only do you hold all the cards, but you hold a Royal Flush. If you go "all in" then you will likely have more suitors than you know what to do with. It becomes an issue of weeding through the good and not so good opportunities. You would soon develop a large circle of friends I am sure. It is almost comical to watch people at a social drawn to single females like moths to a flame.

If you decide you want to make your relationship with him go, then you should consider backing off the LS. Your relationship is already not strong enough to flourish without being in the LS. Like Newpants said, the LS will only intensify, or maybe amplify is btter, the good and bad in in your relationship. If /when you both are secure in your relationship then you might give the LS a try.

As for how to go "all in", i.e. resolve you internal conflicts, unfortunately only you can figure that out. Take some time and examine why YOU want to be i the LS. If you want to do it for yourself, then great. But if your primary motivator is to make someone else happy, when the voice inside your head says it is not right for you then its a ad idea.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by lovinglife77

To say the least me and my partner officially broke up about 2wks ago. Our lives are still very tangled. So there has been a slip up of us still romantically linked. I love this man and at times he can sometimes wipe the slate clean. The real issue's in the relationship are his issues not mine. Instead of him wanting to lean towards me he pushes me away.

At this point I think its important to keep this as a conversation about you. The reason is, he is not here... you are. So I cant answer for him or his actions.... Deal ? Personally as a man, It doesn't make sense that he would ask for a change in your relationship(especially something as grand as swinging) and then PUSH you away intentionally. I think there are many misunderstandings that might make one feel pushed away, mostly I find them to be fear of something.

You say your split up. To me that could mean a number of things.... Anything from you two decided to put some distance between yourselves emotionally, to he packed his stuff and left for the sake of a cooling off period. Who knows here ? There are many pieces of the puzzle here that only you know. I don't like to assume things, not in my own relationship and certainly not in others.

I stay firm on that we can't moved forward into this lifestyle until he's resolved his issue's. He hears me and understands where I'm coming from. He says he agrees but of course since we've split there is a little self doubt.

Again, I don't know what his issues are or his feelings on them. Any of his issues at this point would have to be met with closure and that takes a great deal of understanding, first.

He tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone else unless I'm included in it. I asked just yesterday how would he feel if I was sneaking behind his back and sleeping with other men of course his response was turned on. I'm sightly confused by that statement but it is what it is.

That sounds confusing as hell to me ? He says he wants a swinging relationship with the two of you involved (swinging together) and then you bring up cheating/sneaking behind his back ? I for one don't get the comparison.... Could you explain that a little better perhaps ? How does him wanting to be together and you interpret this into behind his back sex.... Does he want a cuckold relationship ? I don't understand...

I think the thing is that I chat with others to share and understand things. Its also helping me get more comfortable that nothing is so outside the box. He can't really tell me why he chats with others its just something he does. Which I have no problem with. I just want to be included and share.

I get the feeling you two have a situation of "your friends/My friends, and you should have "our friends" especially in swinging. Why would he not want to share his friendships with you ? Fear is the only thing I can think of.....

I presented to him this week that he wants me to give 100% of my self but him not do the same. It wasn't always like that but for whatever reason he has withdrew.

Are you two married ? It seems we are beating around the bush here. Have you two been in a long term relationship living together. To me, friends that move in together give 100% to the relationship..... 100% of each other and to each other, comes with a marriage. Again, thats just my opinion. Gene Simmons(as an example) I'm sure, could give a good argument.

As for me being single now. I still want to have a healthy sex life but don't want the attachment right now because things are uncertain with me and the ex.

Thats a big statement to me.... I am not on the bus with those who will accept anything in the pursuit of the single bi female. Not boasting, its just the way it is.... I wouldn't play with you at this point, not with your uncertainties and I don't think its fair of you to play with others until you are certain about your relationship or at least it being over. Your asking for a surrogate playmate while someone else is on the line. Many wont care, but I would.... Really, what would you think of a couple who would looking/thinking from an outside position ? One night stands or at a club with no questions asked is your best bet. But a more closer intimate friendship with those playmates you seek is not going to fair well.

I guess I want to take back the power.

What power are you talking about ? We can have power over ourselves in a relationship but not the other..... Personally, we live with out the power struggle in ours, its allot more peaceful to say the least.

Which I did this lifestyle yrs ago when another one of my relationships got very muddled with problems. To say the least I loved it but I went into very blindly I don't want to do the same this 2nd time around.

I get that, I really do. But you have some things you need to resolve first, and thats what we hope to help with


fun4ds