Rules and guidelines you use.....

[Nlove4ever]

Hi guys and gals ,

C and I were discussing our entry into the LS this morning and in talking about boudaries, began to wonder what the norm is. We know that this differs from couple to couple, and perhaps even experience to experience, but, in general, what boundaries or rules do you and your SO have about swinging? How do they differ from when you first entered the lifestyle, and if they do, what changed them? Do your boundaries vary from encounter to encounter? For the singles out there, what rules/boundaries do you have with the couples you play with? And for everyone, what is the most bizarre rule/boundary you have ever had in place or encountered in someone you played with? We know that's a lot of questions in one place , but trying to anticipate some of what we may encounter when we begin playing, and what kinds of rules we can expect other couples to have. for taking the time to answer our questions! Everyone here has been so patient and informative!!!

C&S

[two4youinswva]

There's a really great sticky thread on this in the General forum.
What are your rules?

Ours used to be somewhat long when we started. Now it is very basic.
1. Have fun.
2. If you aren't having fun, let the other one know.

We don't have any "no kissing", "no separate rooms", type of rules now. If there is any doubt, we ask for approval/clarification.

[ClosetSwinger]

We had an ENTIRE book of rules.....almost down to section B page 8 paragraph four article nine.......that lasted maybe a week.

Honestly we had no idea going into this what we were comfortable with and what we werent. That is why we had 800 rules. We werent sure how we were going to feel.

Initially we just did girl girl play....the boys hands roamed (on the girls) but that's all that happened as far as swapping was concerned.

When we realized we were okay with that we decided we would try soft swap. We were VERY open with the couple we played with and told them we were new and werent sure of what we were doing. They were very respectful of that. We soft swapped with them that night and when we left my hubby and I both looked at each other and said WHY DIDNT WE FULL SWAP WITH THEM!?! LOL

I think it's best to start slow and ease yourself into this. I don't think we could have done it had we just jumped in head first full swapping.

We have been in the lifestyle for a year and a half and now our rules are this:

Same room full swap (but we will do different rooms if we know the couple VERY well)

No anal

I don't swallow anyone but hubby

CONDOMS ALWAYS

I say tread lightly to begin with to see how you feel about seeing your hubby/wife with someone else and then if you are both okay then go a little further...if you get uncomfortable with someone DISCUSS IT and slow down some.

The most important thing for us though IS TO TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK. If you do no communicate afterwards and both of you say HOW YOU FEEL and what you thought it will be a disaster.

Good luck and have fun!

[onesweetashoney]

LIke the other posts here we had lots of rules going into the first night...lol after the clothes came off all rules went right out the window! We both were having a blast and the after sex was so hot!!!! Now 5 years later we pretty much know what we want and what each other wants...our only rules are no cumming inside...girls talk on the phone b4 meeting ( very important one) you want to make sure you are not dealing with a faker...and if either one of us is not having fun then we politely say thanks for meeting and leave.

As for the wierdest rule we have ever encountered Id have to say no kissing and one couple wanted my hubby to wear a condom but the male half of the couple did not??

LIke someone else here stated make what you want known ahead of time...we don't use condoms I can't nothing not even lamb skin we devulge that right away on the phone....yes for all of you wondering we get checked about every 6 months sometimes sooner and have never had a thing but i believe thats another thread..lol

most important have fun...if your not having fun then its not for you

[Mr.GeekChic]

We're still just hypothetical swingers at this point, we've never actually done any swinging yet, but...

When we first started talking about it, we started to come up with a lot of rules, too. This was mostly my doing because I hadn't been thinking about it for as long as she had and I still had a bit more to work out regarding my own jealousy and insecurity.

However, after a lot of thinking, talking, and reading, it's boiled down to 3 rules:

1) Always ALWAYS play safe (meaning taking appropriate measures to avoid pregnancies, STDs, etc.)

2) Play with appropriate people (meaning people who are respectful of each of us and our relationship. Also means picking partners that won't cause problems in either our public or private lives.)

3) Tell each other everything (meaning giving each other the details is reassuring, not to mention arousing )

[Coupleerotic22]

When we started we made a long list of rules, covering an wide array of items. As we researched, talked and figured out how to finally take the plunge we boiled them down a to a smaller list. After our first encounter we got rid of most of them except for a core few. They are:

1. Communicate, always the truth, about everything, all the time, never hold back or keep secrets. NOW is always the right time to say what is on your mind, even if we need to excuse ourselves to somewhere private.
2. Safety First,before everything else. Never put yourself in a bad situation and if you find yourself there, get out anyway you can. Better hurt feelings than hurt spouse.
3. If you are unsure about a situation then you can be sure its the wrong situation, stop whatever you are doing and move on.
4. Nothing comes before our relationship or family. Playtime fills up free time, it does not replace family time. If you feel (emotionally) something more than you think you should step back, protect our relationship and family.
5. If you are no longer having fun then stop. That means a chat session, sexual encounter, and regular playmate or swinging in general. Never take one for the team, we will all be miserable.
6. Have a much fun as you want and can as long as it does not conflict with the first 5.

We have thought about adding 3 more rules. Which would be:
1. Communicate
2. Communicate
3. Communicate

Anything that is not covered we discuss as it comes up. Some others have rules about same/separate rooms, solo play etc. We have discussed all of those issues as well and feel they are covered above because we are pretty flexible and communicate very very well.

Hope that helps.

[LagniappeDC]

You sound a lot like us when we first started, and hard to add to the great advice that has already been given.

Like others, our rules have evolved over time as we met more people, got more comfortable with the lifestyle, and most importantly, ourselves.

I will say this. You'll hear lots of good opinions, and you'll meet lots of couples who do a lot more than you do. Don't let that phase you. Do what is comfortable for you! We've always viewed the lifestyle as a marathon vs. a sprint, taking experiences as the come rather than necessarily searching them out.

We'd rather regret missing out on an experience, talk about it later and decide we would be up for it a later time. That is much better than jumping into something and regretting it -- that's something you just can't take away.

Good luck, and have fun!

[LFM2]

Yep, we had about 1000 rules before starting to swing. Like LagniappeDC said, you have to do what's comfortable for you. They're not written in stone. At least ours wasn't.

We got rid of all the rules and stuck to two. Condoms always and no anal. Now, others have mentioned communication, and we do that all the time. Not only in our personal life of swinging, but ALL the time. We discuss everything in depth. It's worked for us.

We always respect each other. We mutually agree on mostly everything. Very few things we might disagree on, but it's always communicated the whys and it's discussed.

We love each other beyond words. He is my world and I know I'm his. We love to see each other happy and this is the most selfless thing I can do for him. Luckily, we've been very lucky in all aspects swinging. We know that swinging is not for everyone, and that is obvious when we see drama among a couple. We stay far away from them. There is nothing attractive about a drama couple.

Good luck with your rules. Remember: Do what works for you!!

[Newpants]

Our experience mirrors that of Closetswinger almost exactly. In the beginning we had 10,000 rules and regulations and tons of hoops and hurdles. In a short period of time we learned that instead of protecting us they were actually keeping us from doing what we really wanted to do.

IMHO many rules that new people put into place are an attempt to protect themselves from doing something that they wouldn't have any interest in doing in the first place and to give themselves an "out" from being with people that they aren't attracted to in the first place. Then what quickly happens is they encounter someone they are attracted to and have an opportunity to do things they do want to do but the rules that they established are now keeping them from enjoying the situation fully.

I'd offer the following suggestions. #1. if you aren't interested in a particular activity regardless of the people or the situation(ie potty games, fisting, kids, animals etc), just toss that out of your mind and dont' worry about it. (quite frankly in several years of swinging we have never had anyone even mention those things.)

#2. Establish some guidelines for physical safety such as not meeting strangers alone in a backalley, condoms, alcohol/drug use etc etc.

#3. Screen potential playmates together and only meet people or move forward with people that you are both interested in and attracted to and agree to that taking one for the team is not an option.

#4. Then apply the universal, non-negotiable, prime-directive rule of all rules...NO MEANS NO. If you don't want to do it, DON'T . And if someone else doesn't want to do something, then respect their wishes as well.

Anything after that is on the table and depends on the mood of the moment.

Our rules have gone from 10k to simply BE SAFE. COMMUNICATE AND BE RESPECTFULL OF EVERYONE'S FEELINGS. DON'T DO WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO OR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES NOT WANT TO DO.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

Hi guys and gals ,

C and I were discussing our entry into the LS this morning and in talking about boudaries, began to wonder what the norm is.

I think you've seen from the response that the 'norm' (if there is one) is many rules to start, and the rules start to fall by the wayside.

I think rather than focus on the boundaries, focus on the process. Make sure, as others said, you communicate VERY well. I'd also advise not changing rules in mid-stream. I.e., don't start soft swapping with a couple intending to only soft swap, and then (even with verbal agreement) switch to full swap in the heat of the moment. There's always play times to be had in the future. Change your rules at home. If you have one level of rule acceptability, and your spouse another, make sure that you go at the slowest pace rule. Don't force an issue. Agree.

With that said, moving on to your questions....

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

in general, what boundaries or rules do you and your SO have about swinging?

Our current rule set:

1. Condoms. Always used this rule.
2. Parachute clause; if for any reason one wants to leave, leave. Don't ask questions, or try to convince, just the both of us leave. We can discuss it later. We've never used this rule.
3. Having multiple play times with a given person is perfectly fine. You can have the person as a play partner for years if you like. No limits. But, if there's reason to believe the play partner is falling in love (as opposed to friendly love) , or that you yourself are falling in love, then no more playing with that person. We've never used this rule. Though, the most either of us has played with someone was my wife three times with a wonderful single male she thoroughly enjoyed (and went and got himself married! Drat!)

Those are our 'rules'. We have preferences beyond that. My wife generally does not like to have someone cum in her mouth, but she's done so on occasion with swing partners. She does not like anal sex. It's not reserved for me (we do it occasionally, when she's of the mood), and she has freedom to have anal with someone if she likes. She also doesn't enjoy having someone cum on her face. Anywhere else is fine. If it happens, it happens, no biggie. For my side, having anal is fine, cumming anywhere is fine, all based on preferences of the woman I'm playing with.

We haven't crossed the bridge of separate room playing yet. My wife's played solo, and that's fine with me. We've discussed separate room playing, and there's no rule per se about it, but for now we're probably more comfortable with same room. We enjoy watching the other too much!

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

How do they differ from when you first entered the lifestyle, and if they do, what changed them?

We had a host of rules when we first got started. We imagined every possible scenario (and still didn't imagine everything!), and built our rules based on those possible scenarios. We probably overthought it, but better than than under thinking it.

The rules melted over time thanks to increased comfort in playing with others. We're not raised to have sex with people other than our spouse. We don't get a training book called "Swinging for Dummies". So, the rules help a newbie couple establish some comfort, some limits, some control.

As you get comfortable, and see how wonderful swinging is, the rules tend to melt away.

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

Do your boundaries vary from encounter to encounter?

No. We're willing to soft swap with a couple that is soft swap only, but that's observing their boundaries. Our boundaries are very limited, and now are always so.

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

what kinds of rules we can expect other couples to have.

ASK them, before you start playing. It's important. If they have some bizarre (to you) rules it can also be revealing that they might not be the right people to play with.

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

Everyone here has been so patient and informative!!!

We would never have gotten into the lifestyle without this forum, I don't think. It's a fantastic resource and the people are wonderfully helpful!

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by Nlove4ever

what boundaries or rules do you and your SO have about swinging?

Currently, our only real rule is:

1) Condoms for intercourse

How do they differ from when you first entered the lifestyle, and if they do, what changed them?

We really didn't have a bunch of rules to start with, primarily because it never occurred to us to make 'em. We just kinda' went with the flow of things, but our main boundaries were:

1) Condoms for intercourse
2) No solo play
3) No single males

Obviously, a couple of those rules has gone by the wayside, as we've become more comfortable with the lifestyle.

Do your boundaries vary from encounter to encounter?

YES. With new (to us) couples, we prefer to remain in the same room, but a house party often lends itself to separate room play. Essentially, the better we know a couple/individual, the more flexible we're likely to be with those boundaries.

And for everyone, what is the most bizarre rule/boundary you have ever had in place or encountered in someone you played with?

Hmm . . . honestly, we haven't really encountered any odd rules with our play partners. This is probably because we'd probably steer clear of anyone with a rule that we found to be too off-the-wall. It saves a lot of frustration, confusion, and/or drama later on.

In the end, ya'll will have to determine what your personal boundaries are, and figure out who to work within them. Best of luck to you!

=)

[MsGoneWild]

we have always had a few basic rules, some have changed though.

1. we meet potential playmates in a no pressure, public environment (swinger clubs are fine).
2. we don't generally play on the first date (though it could happen).
3. COMMUNICATE, how do each of us feel about who we just met, is everything ok to play next time?
4. condoms/protection for intercourse, unless otherwise noted (and discussed and okayed by BOTH of us).

- Either of us can stop something at any time if we feel the need or feel uncomfortable
- Either of us can play separately (and we've got conditions for that too)

I'm sure theres some more subtle ones i may not be able to remember, but we dont have rules like "no anal" or "no kissing" or something. I'll usually state that i am uncomfortable with anal to any potential playmates, but if i feel i can handle anal sex with them there is nothing stopping me (despite me not wanting to do it usually with my boyfriend). He won't be offended if i enjoy something with someone else that we don't usually do.

[RDfnd]

Communicate before, during and after. If I posted our list when we started, it would be comical.