Forming emotional bonds first time out:

[Naampc]

I met my wife in high school. My favorite question to ask her is "How did I get so lucky?" She'll casually respond, "You said Hi." There was an emotional something there at first. It wasn't love or lust. It was a shared attachment to the unfamiliar person in front of each other.

She had just moved to town three years before and had thought that, like the rest of her life had been, she would be moving on soon. I had just moved into town to start my construction career, but decided I needed to finish my high school education before I could feel good about anything I did from then on.

From that first "Hi," we talked and eventually got some classes together. We hung out, usually with a couple other friends, sometimes by ourselves. Neither of us asked for anything more than companionship during that time. One day toward the end of her time in school, since I'd graduated in December, she saw a post from a few weeks back in my Live Journal. It's a bit like Facebook, but with more of an emphasis on writing than socializing. My post stated that I might have to find myself a fuck buddy. I'd never been with another girl (or guy). I'd never had a relationship. And she asked me one night if she could be my fuck buddy. It was awkward for both of us. I'm glad I posted, and I'm glad she asked.

The first time we ever did anything, both of us virgins, was a bit awkward. "Now what?" became a regular theme that night. The next morning, we were both more confident in ourselves and had our first condomless experience, and neither of us looked back since.

But what worried me then, and what worries me now as someone new to the scene is how quickly it turned into an emotional experience. I felt like I was "supposed" to give this girl whom I had known only for so short a time words, emotions, actions. I felt that it was the "right" thing to do. The word "love" crept into my head several times those first couple days. I knew at the time it couldn't be. Not yet anyway. I realized I had formed an emotional attachment to her that went beyond having just a friend.

I wanted more than this, I want to say it was a thought that this was a small bond, and I wanted a larger one with this person in my life who decided it would be fun to have fun. She knew she was going to go to college soon and we would be on our own again. I knew that she would have to pass out of my life and live her own. I felt bad for myself, but also felt that she had every right to live her life as she saw fit, whether I was in it or not, which is where my desire to let her play as she wants has its roots. She hasn't yet, but I'd still give her my love and support if she decided to.

But this emotional bond, it formed so quickly. I see it with people I work with. I will latch my feelings out to anyone willing to say hello. That's why I feel safer on the internet. I don't have to be face-to-face with someone online. It's okay to form that emotional attachment. But the people I work with, I feel like I could tell them everything, and intellectually, I know they don't feel the same. I know they're thinking to themselves "I wish this guy would just shut up and leave me alone." I'm afraid of forming that kind of instant non-love with my first partner or partners when swinging. I'm afraid of what it's going to do to me. It's hard for me to separate myself, fun versus sentiment. I'm not afraid of my wife enjoying herself. I'd like to try a few things myself, but not at the cost of an easily broken heart.

I don't know how common this is among the community, but does anyone with knowledge or experience with this have any advice? Heck, I'd even take some practical no-nonsense comments from anyone who doesn't have experience with this.

Sorry for this long post. I felt it was appropriate to explain some of the background.

[Naampc]

I feel like a tool now. I just found the Separating Sex & Love - The Swingers Board subforum.

[Learning]

Don't feel like a tool. I thought this was a terrific post. Myself and Mr. Learning are more of the relationship type swingers. We kind of like to know who we swing with. We really enjoy the people we swing with and it hasn't really messed us up yet. Good luck!

[piglet6870]

i am with you on this, i can't play with anyone that i don't know first ahead of time.

[shy_couple]

We are similar. We dont have to be clingy or intrusive on your life. But we do have to have something in common, get to know you, know that you are intelligent, and are capable of connecting on more than a sexual level. Then we can move on to flirting and play time.

[RDfnd]

This is an interesting topic. A week ago, we were at a lifestyle takeover of a resort. We met a new couple, got to know them very casually during the day and had sex with them for the first time that night. They conveyed a desire to "get to know people" before swinging with them.

Although you certainly must interact enough to confirm that adequate chemistry exists, beyond that it depends on whether you want friends with benefits or just casual sex partners. For us, we can go either way.

During the same weekend, we ran into another couple that we have known for years and suspected they may be swingers. That weekend it was confirmed. When we first saw each other and started to chat, the male half's comment was "we wouldn't think of anything happening with you because you are our friends". Shouldn't the determining factor be whether or not there is sexual attraction. It could have been his way of diplomatically saying such but I truly felt he meant exactly what he said. Friendship would get in the way.

For us, we can enjoy it with little prior interaction other than confirming the attraction, casual acquaintances or friends. Each have there own pros and cons and variety is the spice of life.

[onesweetashoney]

We find that friends inevitably turns into emotions when sex is added and that ends in disaster...its happened to us twice...we are very secure ( not to sound cliche) we know how to separate sex and love the 2 other couples did not and both times one partner fell in love with one of us...just a note of caution

[DigginIt]

We are a friends first (mostly) couple and we want to know the people we are sleeping with and prefer it when we become great friends. I do believe that some people develop emotional attachments (meaning they quickly and frequently fall in love) really fast and if you are in that category then you should probably think hard about swinging.

I don't think you can have sex and not share some type of connection of some sort no matter how slight and in that sense, if that is all you are talking about then I'd say your absolutely fine but you should accept that at some point down the road, most likely the sexual relationship will eventually end. Not necessarily the friendship but definitely the sex.

[exploringRM]

I personally enjoy that temporary emotional connection with a play partner..where you lose yourselves in each other. But it's just a moment in time, not something that persists. Friendship sure, but so far nothing more.

[M1F2KTJ]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

I personally enjoy that temporary emotional connection with a play partner..where you lose yourselves in each other. But it's just a moment in time, not something that persists. Friendship sure, but so far nothing more.

Hey fellow Yorker! Your location surprised me and momentarily distracted me as I was about to reply. Anyways ... I agree. I always felt that women have the urge to have sex with someone based on some kind of emotional or intellectual attachment where as me, and I assume most men, fuck as some kind of sport or as a workout. I can have sex with a woman and it might be the most incredible sex I've ever had and I'll always feel a special bond with that woman but I can detach myself from her where as I feel that if a woman has incredible sex with you she will want to possess you. Yes, no? Please enlighten me.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by M1F2KTJ

. . . I always felt that women have the urge to have sex with someone based on some kind of emotional or intellectual attachment where as me, and I assume most men, fuck as some kind of sport or as a workout.

My new paradigm includes the realization that girls just want to have fun.