Oh this will be fun, Dilemma with the Husband!

[tattooeddiva]

So here we go.

Just a warning I am very explicit and blunt, straight forward and so forth.

I am a 25 year old curvy woman that has had minor issues of self confidence and such. I have been married to my husband for 5 wonderful years and is great in so many ways. I am WAY more sexually experienced than him by a long shot. I have been sexually active since I was 13 with men and women, (No this was not abuse, this was my choice) I am very mature for my age and light years beyond my peers. I am a very sensual person and have a very seductive nature to me. I enjoy the task of seducing both men and women ( I find women easier, my nickname for a few years was Siren because of my tact. 'if you do not get the word look it up' )

I am a very visual person and can fantasize a lot, however swinging has come into question as of recently. I am bisexual in the deepest definition of the word, I enjoy women eating pussy, kissing, caressing, and playing with tits. Never pretended not to like it or that it ever went away but its here and rearing its ugly head. This screaming desire is begging me to come out and play with my fantasies. (There are two specific ones in mind and I already have the people selected and they are down for it as well I just need permission)

I want to be with a woman, and another man in a separate setting. The sex with the woman I am attracted too and I do not mind being watched with her. The added benefit with this one is giving my husband tips on how to eat pussy. (mind you he has very little experience sexually other than me, and yes that means EVERYTHING ) He is okay with this but severly iffy, he is terrified that something will freak him out and he will haul ass. ( He likes to run off when hes uncomfortable, yes I am breaking him of this habit ) his version of how the thought of me fucking another woman mechanically turns him on (yes he is that much of a nerd) but is hesitant. Here is a major KICKER, Hes raised Roman Catholic so he had no upbringing with any sexual identity.

He was a virgin while we were dating, till I flipped my pancakes and pinned him down and fucked him, and I had to get him to try the rest. Now he was terrified when I first gave him head, he thought it was gross and didnt want me 'down there' Did it anyway and now HE LOVES it. Duh sucking dick is great for both parties when its done right!

SO! My take on the experience with a man that I am dying for that is someone other than my husband! I want rough sex, knock down, drag out, violent sex. Pinned down like and animal and fucked. Plain and simple right? NOT! My husband does not have a dominant bone in his body- I have tried for years to get him to give me the fucking I crave like that. But he cannot sadly. He is unable to fully seduce me as I can do to him. I realize that he has less experience than I and I was willing to teach him. But for fucks sake this girl needs a serious all out fury fuck!

As I have tried to get him to screw me like that- He refuses to because he has too much respect for me and cannot do that to me. I am afraid if he is in the room while said rough sex is going on he will wig out, and I will not want it to stop, lol talk about a cock block! After me telling him of this deeply vivid fantasy I have (Yes I can get WAY more graphic) He says he cannot stand the thought of another man inside of me. So here is my question on getting him into the idea of letting me do this. How the hell does one go about this?

Forgive all the chaotic spasticness of my conversation!
Diva

[oncewere]

I, likewise, had to be converted. As a life-long nerd, I can really appreciate your quest. It's the reversal of the typical romance novels some women love. Woman meets ne'r-do-well with incredibly bad habits then turns him into a lap dog. She takes him on as a fixer-upper and sets out to change him. Not an easy job.

He's a nice guy who loves you. Turning him into a rough sex fanatic with you might open other doors of his personality that might not be so pleasant. I suspect that the best way to approach this change would be to get him with one of your woman friends, perhaps a threesome, but with the emphasis on him. Once he's screwed someone else, maybe several someone elses, and learned to like it, he might be more amenable to your extra-curricular sex.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm sure that concentrating on your pleasure, what you want in the long run won't be as important as concentrating on his issues and establishing his comfort. Learning things because he learns to enjoy them is easier than learning them because you want them. This won't be quite as easy as teaching him to enjoy getting sucked off by just forcing the issue. This will take more finesse.

Just my humble opinion -- I could be all wrong. However, the people on this board are very wise and will give you a wide range of help.

I wish you luck. Would that I were him.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by tattooeddiva

How the hell does one go about this?
Diva

Ok, we can blow it up your skirt or tell you the truth.....

Truth is, you don't. You talked to him about it, you told him about it and bottom line is he said NO. He can't deal with it. End of conversation.

Your not really talking about swinging here. Your talking about having your way when it does not fit into his world. That is not couples swinging. This lifestyle is not for all, it really is not for MOST.

He says he has to much respect for you to do things yet you seem to lack the same. You can cheat and step out but you know as we do it will kill him when he finds out if he is like you state he is. And yes, at some point he will find out.

Either live with the one you love within the boundaries he can live with or make the hard choice. Sometimes in life you can't have your cake and eat it to.

Show the man the same respect he gives you and that you expect from him. You married him knowing who and what he is. Respect that.

Seems some people feel the need to marry with the expectation of the other person changing to fit their needs.


Good luck to you. Hope you two find a common ground that works for the both of you.

[Alura]

Women marry men hoping they will change. They don't.

Men marry women hoping they will not change. They do.

As usual, Vegas Lee is right.

Alura

[realcplub2]

Ok, evolution is a slow process and from reading your post you want it NOW

You explained that you took your virgin uptight catholic husband and introduced him to the wide wonderful world of human sexuality.. and its been from your post a difficult process.

Our blog about getting into swinging also has some excellent ideas on how to open a mind to other sexual pursuits

Beyond the obvious, its going to take a while to get him to understand the thrills you speak of, and since you are a visual person, an excellent idea is taking a friday or saturday night to yourselves and renting some good quality porn, with the topics that thrill YOU most.. the rough sex angle, the girl/girl play..

One point to mention, and this is really a thought I am sure you have had, since he was so inexperienced the concept of SHARING private thoughts, fantasies, thrills, and what turns him on, the idea of you being MARRIED to him but being able to enjoy sex with another person and still be married to him is beyond him.. the statement about another guy is a sure clue.. Here is the suggestion we would make, get him to open his thoughts and share about sex what turns him on, what his fantasies might be..Be non judgemental, and explain that you expect him to be honest with you and you will be with him..

He is a guy, and your first part about being with another woman, is sure to be locked between his ears.. But the way you offered it.. its all about you, and he gets to watch.. the way its in his head, its all about HIM..and he gets you both..

Its not an over night thing, but you cn get him to re think it, and slowly if offered as a sexploration for you both, get him to come around

[Olivesman]

Be careful for what you wish for. Your husband may have some locked up experiences, either at home or by himself. Bring those out right away instead of carefully and you could have a bad trip, as they used to say.

I once tried to play rough house with Olive and all it did was bring out her bad memories of abuse with her first husband. And yea-we had discussed the play beforehand!

Your husband sounds like a cleancut American boy but sounds like he has buttons you do not want to push Try to find out why.

The Olives

[Edison Carter]

You married someone with limited sexual focus, a desire for monogamy, who is psychologically 'wired' completely differently from you and you see him as the problem ? Nope, you're the problem. What is astonishing is that you think just because he thought he would not like a blow job, then did, that it would mean in the right situation that everything else would be 'on the table'.

Why in the world did you marry him ?

[Newpants]

I really don't think this is a swinging issue and I don't know if swingers can really help you.

I think what is really going on here is that you two are very sexually mismatched and that you are mismatched to a degree that is causing you some serious dissatisfaction in your sexlife and eventually that dissatisfaction is going to spill over into other areas of your marraige if it hasn't already.

This is a maritial issue (or soon to be one) and it may maritial therapy to help it.

My recomendation if you want to stay married is to forgot the swinging idea and find a legitimate sex therapist or maritial therapist that specializes in couples with severly mismatched sexual desires.

This is not cute little sexual quirk nor is it some shy guy that needs to be brought out of his shell. This is a serious maritial issue and if you keep going down this path you are going to end up hurting each other very badly and are going to end up divorced.

[Suburbia]

I am not going to sugar coat one thing for you sweetie. From one woman to another I'm going to give it to you like your sister would.

I have to agree this is not a swinging issue. You said "Honey may I..." and he said "no."

The end.

You are an adult, just because you want to do something doesn't mean you can't control it. If your husband wants to be monogamous you need to figure out whether you can respect him enough to do that or whether you need to move on.

Personally I think that bisexual people that use bisexuality as an excuse to cheat make the rest of us look bad. If husband says its okay to be with girls than it isn't cheating. Husband is allowed to change his mind.

Husband has clearly said its not okay to get your animal fuck on with another dude you have to decide whether or not you are going to respect him. And judging by the fact that you came on here talking poorly about him (downgrading his cunnilingus skills publicly) tells me you don't respect him.

We're swingers... not cheaters. If we were cheaters... we wouldn't be swingers. And don't think about telling Husband you are going to do it whether he likes it or not... because that's just plain mean.

Usually in any disagreement there is a middle ground but in this case you are dead to rights wrong. And I've only got your side of the story and I still think you are as wrong as wrong gets.

[Trace Ekies]

This sounds like the beginnings of "cuckolding"....You do exactly as you wish and he puts up with it, like it or not.

Swinging this is not and mature you are not...

He said no...that should be the end of it until such time as he's ready to venture further...the conversation should continue, but not for selling the idea. It should continue so as to satisfy your wish to explore further and to allow him to discuss his wants and wishes.

Over time he may warm up to the idea...but then again, he may not. Your care of his "deep respect" for you is critical here...by allowing him to say no and then you honoring his request.

Trace

[bbarnsworth]

I'm going to take a bit of a different tack than the many wise people above me.

Yes, your husband said no. Yes, he said he couldn't stand the idea of another man inside of you. Yes, he is not very sexually experienced. But, whereas the other people above me have largely said "That's the end of it", I disagree.

I'm not suggesting that you push like mad to have your way. You appear to be an assertive, dominant sort of person. Nothing wrong with that in any respect. I do think this approach will not help in this circumstance.

When I was young, I had a very hard time accepting the idea that my girlfriend was going to be seeing a male gynecologist. Another man was going to see my girlfriend naked? I couldn't handle that. I was actively mad about it, jealous, upset, you name it. She went anyway, and told me to deal with it; it was a medical issue, she wasn't going to be alone with him, and that's that. She was right.

Fast forward many years to now. I laugh at myself for my outlook. I'm considerably more experienced now, and have a much different view of nudity, sex, relationships, etc.

My point is your husband may have a very strong reaction against the idea of you playing with someone else. That doesn't mean it's over, kaput, done. You'll need to exercise patience, bring him along slowly, discuss, discuss, discuss, discuss a thousand times. It might take years, even decades. You can't do it by dragging him along. You can do it by riding in the same car with him on this, making suggestions about where to turn, but if you can't agree on where to turn then agreeing to not move forward until you can.

I agree he is not a swinger. That doesn't mean he can't be.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

I'm going to take a bit of a different tack then the many wise people above me.

Yes, your husband said no. Yes, he said he couldn't stand the idea of another man inside of you. Yes, he is not very sexually experienced. But, whereas the other people above me have largely said "That's the end of it", I disagree.

I'm not suggesting that you push like mad to have your way. You appear to be an assertive, dominant sort of person. Nothing wrong with that in any respect. I do think this approach will not help in this circumstance.

When I was young, I had a very hard time accepting the idea that my girlfriend was going to be seeing a male gynecologist. Another man was going to see my girlfriend naked? I couldn't handle that. I was actively mad about it, jealous, upset, you name it. She went anyway, and told me to deal with it; it was a medical issue, she wasn't going to be alone with him, and that's that. She was right.

Fast forward many years to now. I laugh at myself for my outlook. I'm considerably more experienced now, and have a much different view of nudity, sex, relationships, etc.

My point is your husband may have a very strong reaction against the idea of you playing with someone else. That doesn't mean it's over, kaput, done. You'll need to exercise patience, bring him along slowly, discuss, discuss, discuss, discuss a thousand times. It might take years, even decades. You can't do it by dragging him along. You can do it by riding in the same car with him on this, making suggestions about where to turn, but if you can't agree on where to turn then agreeing to not move forward until you can.

I agree he is not a swinger. That doesn't mean he can't be.

I concur.. and that was the point I was attempting to relate

Open the eyes and the mind should follow.. Being that he had no experience before its up to you to complete his education. And yes what you are proposing is advanced college level courses, its not all that hard to get there.. it just takes time