Dating an Experienced Swinger and a Little Confused

I'm seeing someone who is a swinger. He was in the lifestyle for about 10 years with his ex-wife and is very comfortable with it. I'm curious about it (in fact, I knew he was into it before we dated) and we've talked about how I can give it a try. We've decided to try a club, see how it goes, and move on from there. I'm very comfortable with his approach - he's patient with me and it's completely been my choice to give it a try. At this point however, while we've talked about it, we have not done anything. We are still a fairly new couple (about 3 mos) and I'm really enjoying just being with him for now. We have discussed the lifestyle and decided to put it "on hold" for a while, but I made it clear that I do eventually want to try it.

However, here's the issue - we've gone to parties where we have many mutual friends, many of whom are in the lifestyle, and they just take for granted that he's ready to jump in bed with them for a threesome now that he's not with his ex anymore. This happened at a party last night (it was a 'vanilla' holiday party with children there and everything - not a house party) and I have to admit, I was a little upset that this couple (whom I've also known for years socially) decided to ambush him for a threesome. He told them no for the reasons I stated above.

He and I talked about it and I I have to admit that I felt a little disrespected (not by him, but by the other couple). I learned after the fact that my boyfriend and his ex had an occasional thing with this couple, so it's possible I just stumbled into some drama as well.

I guess I'm confused and I wasn't left with the best impression after this experience. The other couple was very pushy with my boyfriend to complete their threesome with no consideration of the fact he was with someone that night who was not in the lifestyle (yet). I'm curious if this is what I should expect every time we go to a social gathering? Are couples really this pushy? And should I consider it rude that my feelings weren't considered by this couple or is it just taken for granted that all sex is fair game if someone is known to be in the lifestyle? Also, for someone who has been active in the lifestyle for 10 years, is it a problem for them to step back from it and take it slow with a newbie? I'm a little afraid that I may be keeping my boyfriend from something he wants to do because I want to take a slower path, though he says he's fine with things. My boyfriend and I seem to communicate very well between us - mostly it's the outer dynamic of the lifestyle community that I'm a little confused about. Is the type of behavior I encountered a fluke or normal?

Sorry for all the questions - I want to understand the social aspect and expectations. I really care about this man and want things to progress, but I feel like I need more information. Though my social circle has many people in the lifestyle, this is the first time I've been with someone who was into it. I'm quite positive that this will not be the last encounter I will have with other swingers my boyfriend and his ex have been with. Any advice on handling this would be appreciated.

Thanks for your feedback!
Newbie

[SW_PA_Couple]

This is not, Newbie, what you should expect from the lifestyle. You have read the situation very accurately. I expect that your perceptions will serve you well.

~Michael

[WildMiCouple]

I'd guess that this situation might be more common than you think. How much did the other couple know about your current relationship with your boyfriend? Maybe they they were just looking to fulfill a fantasy and they saw what they thought was an opportunity with an old playmate. If he explained things to them, than I wouldn't get too upset over it. Give them the benefit of doubt first. And it might happen again in the future with other playmates of his. But once all your circle of friends know your a couple, that's when you can be a bit more relaxed about it.

Let it slide this time, and it won't be long before everyone knows you're a couple. Good luck in the future.

Brett

[Newpants]

This is kind of a complex issue and one for which there may not be a simple and painless solution.

For starters IMHO this couple was a little out of line for just assuming that he was available to them without your involvment or input. the problem though is that before you came along he may have been very available to them and he may have brought along other 'dates' to their gatherings and instead of viewing you as a 'SIGNIFICANT' other they just viewed you as another one of his 'date-of-week's. That does happen in the vanilla dating world as well as the swinger world when people divorce and start dating again.

(side bar factoid - people won't take you or your relationship with him seriously untill HE takes you and your relationship seriously and shows them through his behaviours that he takes you seriously)

I wish I could say their behavior was a fluke but this is a well documented issue when singles in the lifestyle start dating and get into a significant relationship. This happens just as much and causes the same amount of distress and discomfort when two experienced single swingers start dating each other so don't get too hung up on being a newbie. this kind of thing would happen even if you had prior swinging experience yourself.

What happens is when someone is swinging as a couple and they split up, they often lose a lot of their old swinging friends and have to end up making a whole new set of friends. The same also happens to singles in the lifestyle when they get significantly involved with someone.

When people are used to someone being available to them as a single, they often do not adjust quickly enough to them being attached to someone else and think they still have free access.

In your case he was part of a couple not all that long ago and so a lot of his friendships in the lifestyle were based on the dynamics between him and his ex and now that he is with you everything changes.


A couple things are really key here. The primary thing is how you and your BF handle it and it appears you both handled it appropriately. What would cause me concern is not that other people will disrespect you or disregard you but rather if he disrespects or disregards you or pressures you to fit in with his little clique of cronies. I haven't picked up on any that happening in what you wrote so I would not hit the panick button yet.

I'm afraid in all reality what is going to end up happening is that if you two do become a couple in the lifestyle, you will end up having to make new friends together as a couple as opposed to just fitting in with his old friends.

Whenever someone in the lifestyle changes status or changes partners they hit the 'reset' button on all their old friends and playmates and often have to start all over again. When you change status or change partners it changes the dynamics and chemistry so much that people often have to start all over.

The key thing here is how well you and BF communicate and how much respect and compassion you have for each other and how well you can make the journey into the lifestyle together as a new couple. In order for you to enter the lifestyle as a couple and have it work out and be fun and comfortable for you, you will most likely need to start from scratch as a new couple and make all new friends as a new couple.

I wish I had better news but if I had to place bets, my money would go on what happened is a bit of a glimpse into the future if you keep going back to his prior established friends. I have unfortunately seen this quite a bit. Others will disagree with me and your mileage will always vary but this was not a fluke.

The good news is that it appears that he handled it appropriately and gave you and your relationship the respect and honor that you deserved and did not try to pressure you into "fitting in" with his prior friends. That is a good thing. If he is willing to work with you and honor this relationship and work from the ground up in establishing a new network of friends and playmates this will all work out fine in the end. If he tries to force you into fitting in with his old playmates in a sexual manner, it is probably going to fail for the reasons you have already experienced.

I do wish you well and hope things work out for both of you.

[lustylearning]

Your boyfriend has an established relationship with them. It's up to him to tell them what his new boundaries are. It's not up to them to anticipate his new boundaries. Remember, they haven't changed. He has.

[Pleasure King]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I guess I'm confused and I wasn't left with the best impression after this experience. The other couple was very pushy with my boyfriend to complete their threesome with no consideration of the fact he was with someone that night who was not in the lifestyle (yet). I'm curious if this is what I should expect every time we go to a social gathering? Are couples really this pushy? And should I consider it rude that my feelings weren't considered by this couple or is it just taken for granted that all sex is fair game if someone is known to be in the lifestyle?


Newbie

Welcome to the world of the average male in the lifestyle. Set your limitations and focus on you as a couple.

[Trace Ekies]

Read and re-read lustylearning's take on things...

If they act as such again then they are rude and should be avoided or he did not set the rules properly with them.

The answer to your question is no...you will not find this type of behavior to be common. The vast majority of our experiences have been with decent, respectful adults.

This particular situation is the result of their prior relationship with your boyfriend...and when he brings them up to speed on his new relationship they'll act accordingly.

Have fun.

Trace

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

Your boyfriend has an established relationship with them. It's up to him to tell them what his new boundaries are. It's not up to them to anticipate his new boundaries. Remember, they haven't changed. He has.

Succinct, true and well put.

Considerate people will not just tug on his arm and expect him to follow along. But even respectful people can get over-eager, especially after a drink or two has made them feel happy and uninhibited. As lustylearning said, it's up to your new boyfriend to draw his new lines. It shouldn't be hard for him to do that in a pleasant way. If he was successful in the lifestyle previously, he probably has the social skills to navigate this new situation.

Good luck!

[twoforone100]

You had not been a couple long and sometimes it takes "news" a while to travel in social circles.. The fact that they ask is not an issue... if they pushed after they were told no... then that IS a problem. Like most things in life.... Your BF should not have to stand up on a table and shout... " I am a couple now"....most couples should see with their eyes. In priviate he should tell his friends like couples do with vanillia friends... either an email, IM or in person. Other couples if they don't understand they DO have the right to ask what is going on.. however there is a line and it sounds like they crossed it. They did have a previous relationship and that sometimes makes people feel like they can do or say more. We have all been guilty of that at some point. Either in our swinger lives or our vanillia ones. In the end... LET IT GO..... Most couples are very respectful. Booze will affect that sometimes.. but such is the way of the world.

[padoc]

Good for him! He turned them down which shows the level of regard he has for you. The other couple may have made some assumptions about the status of your relationship and his refusal should have set them straight. Remember, there is no harm in asking. Take your time, ease into it at your comfort level. It will be worth your effort and his patience. It seems you may have found a perfect guide to the lifestyle.