Opening the conversation more with spouse

[serenandsol]

Hi there!

I'm the female half of a married couple. We had a mutual infatuation with a woman a few years back but it never panned out. We frequently talk about swinging and exploring once we move (we're moving in a week to a brand new city), and even have discussed polyamory - although most of that conversation has been in the abstract.

How do we get the conversation going more? I know a few things about my husband's tastes and preferences (he loves big boobs..mine are decent, but he definitely likes bigger), but every time I try to ask more about what he's looking for, or whom he would be attracted to, he seems very shy about it. It just kind of trails off and leads nowhere.

We've been married for ten years, and three months into our married life, he cheated on me. At the time, it was devastating because it was so close after our wedding. But after a lot of growth together, I realized that I was more upset at everyone knowing than him being with another woman (the thought of that kind of turns me on). I was more upset about being embarrassed.

We've done a lot of work on this and feel our relationship is rock solid, but I feel like his reluctance to talk may have been part of him not wanting to talk more about swinging? I'm not sure.

I don't want to feel like I'm pushing him...because he's definitely been interested, and it's part of our regular fantasies. How do I open up this conversation more to make it a reality in the future? I'm patient...I don't mind if it's in six months or a year...I just want to get on the same page.

[ViSexual]

Wow, he cheated right after you married? Oh well, you have been married quite a while after so it must have been just a weird thing.

I do understand how the embarrassment of people knowing was so much worse than his actions. If nothing else, he was disrespectful to you for that.

OK, before I forget, there is a area on the site for 'swinger stories'. It's on the line above the 'forums' and the third one in. You lost your virginity at an orgy????? You have to write about that! LOL!

Sweetie, he may be avoiding swinging conversations because he's afraid it'll lead back to his infidelity. And, he's certainly not wanting to drag that dead horse again.

But maybe he's just not comfortable talking about it in person? I know that my wife and I feel a little uncomfortable talking, in person, about some sexual things too and we'll use emails to each other for those talks.

Plus, using emails is a little like cyber-sex for us and sort of fun for that reason.

Find some photos of women who interest you and who you think might interest him. Select a few and send him an email asking which he'd pick if he had the choice. And, make him comfortable with it by telling him which one you'd pick for yourself. That should get him thinking!

Good luck and enjoy whatever comes your way! You sound like a very cool, and enviable, wife.

[DigginIt]

There are a lot of thoughts that pop to mind and his reluctance could be centered around a desire to not want to do anything that could possibly be destructive in your relationship. It could be just being coy so not to appear as anxious and excited as the prospect really is to him as to not hurt your feelings.

Too many variables to guess but speaking for myself (not all men) but we are generally thick headed and don't get subtle hints. In another words, don't beat around the bush. Sit him down and be blunt. This may be expressing what you want and starting off with feedback from him.

I will say that if you can't get the communication solid now, it won't be easier when you start swinging.

[Learning]

My hubby has yet to come out to tell me openly that he finds someone is attractive. It's usually after me asking "hey fo you find her attractive?" he will say something but he just doesn't share .

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by Learning

My hubby has yet to come out to tell me openly that he finds someone is attractive. It's usually after me asking "hey fo you find her attractive?" he will say something but he just doesn't share .

It's almost like a loaded question.

"Honey, do you think she is attractive?"
"Yes, she's sexy?"
"She has big boobs, you said you didn't like big boobs?"
"I said I prefer smaller boobs, not that I wouldn't play with big ones."
"So you think I need a boob job is what your saying?"
"What? Where the hell did that come from?"

Don't tell me, you never had conversations (just change the content) like the above and you really expect us to not be weary?

[JustAskJulie]

Two things I would suggest if you want to have more discussion about what you each like/dislike physically about others. Go to the mall and sit and people watch. Make a game out of it "I bet I can pick out more girls you'd like than you can for me...". And go online to one of the swinger websites and surf profile. Read them together and talk about what you liked/ didn't like about each one.

[serenandsol]

Thank you all so much for your friendly advice. You have brought up some great ideas and tips! Especially the thing about emailing/chatting online with each other - we met online and so for a long time that was our "foreplay" - we're a lot more open that way and still sometimes IM while in the same room!

And we love to people watch! So that will work too.

Even though we worked through his infidelity (it was part of a huge pattern of self destructiveness for him at the time), I'm sure that is a small component. Ironically, I thought I'd always be the one who had problems with it...but now I'm ready to get play with others. I suppose I shouldn't see his reticence as disinterest, just as trying to navigate this all out.

@ViSexual - thanks for the tip about the stories! It definitely was an interesting one. I will have to find time to post it too.

[ViSexual]

Well, I don't know about everyone else but I sure look forward to reading that story!

And, good luck to you!

[realcplub2]

I would ask a question. Do the conversations ONLY occur in bed as foreplay?

Since it was a female that you are both attracted to, Is it fair to assume you have bit more than a passing bi interest? I am not sure if you have learned but, in this lifstyle you are looking for a unicorn.. the mythical single bi female.

In any event, Your husband is as was suggested afraid to admit waht turns him on, or he finds of interest, for fear of not knowing what your reaction will be.

try having it far away from the bedroom, and well away from when sex might happen. encourage him by starting it, and explaining exactly what you find erotic about swinging, and the possiblities.

[Stevef8]

Originally Posted by ViSexual

OK, before I forget, there is a area on the site for 'swinger stories'. It's on the line above the 'forums' and the third one in. You lost your virginity at an orgy????? You have to write about that!

WOW...I have to pay more attention to the profiles...I completely missed that information. OK..ViSexual is right....Where is that story?

[Coupleerotic22]

We have been married over 20 years. The first 10 or so my wife was very jealous. I conditioned myself not to pay attention to other women and certainly not talk about them. Even after she started to get past the jealousy issues, I continued to be silent, even evasive with direct questions about who I thought was sexy. Not saying you are jealous, but his past indiscretion may have him in a similar place. When I am not thinking, I sometimes continue to do that now even though we are well past that issue, waiting for the other shoe to fall is a hard habit to break. She gets a kick out of it when I do it now and we can both have a good laugh. Every day it gets easier to leave that habit behind and often share, unsolicited, who I think is sexy.

Another thought. He may be like my wife. I love Julie's game idea, but my wife would beat me 100 - 5. Why? Because she can rule a guy out on looks, but almost never thinks a guy is sexy until she has a conversation with him. For her, personality, brains and voice are what turns her on, your husband may be similar, who knows. I can literally never tell who is going to turn her on. I have thought many times that a guy would be a match for her or that a guy had no chance, based on looks, and usually I am wrong.

Final thought. When we first started sharing who we thought was sexy, I was still using the perspective of "looking for a mate" even though I wasn't. That may sound odd, but it dawned on me, when I was dating I looked through the prism of "mate chemistry" not "playmate chemistry." When you are looking for a life partner you are looking for more chemistry, very few people match up for that. I had to shift my focus back to my early dating days when I was just looking for a good time, still picky, but not same degree of chemistry. I am not looking to share everyday of my life with a playmate, so I can overlook things that would matter if I were. The problem was, at first I did not even realize I was doing that. I am not sure I made a lot of sense there, but for me it made a lot of difference. If your husband is still in that mind set, it could be part of the problem too, no one meets his ideals, so no one turns him on.

[Voyager1022]

Wow Coupleerotic22 - you sure helped me with what you wrote. About a year ago, my wife met a guy in a bar that we visited together. We had a lot of fun that evening just talking and laughing so they ended up exchanging email addresses. (just a note - my wife only had one other lover besides me - a one night fling in Vegas that she loved) Over the course of several weeks, the emails between them got very erotic and we all ended up making plans for dinner. (he lives outside of town and comes to our city about once a week on business) WE meet up to have dinner and start with drinks and discover the restaurant is crowded. After adoring looks between my wife and him, he suggests going to his suite for dinner to which my wife agrees immediately. Within 5 minutes of settling into his home, they are sitting on the sofa together and start making out. It was very hot and sensual and it wasn't long before they are into heavy petting and then oral gratification that went on for hours. She wouldn't go all the way but clearly they were both hot for each other. Emailing ensuded again and then she pulled back telling me she thought it was wrong and went against her principles. After a couple of months - they started emailing again and it results in another plan to get together for an afternoon in his hotel suite. They kissed passionately when we walked into his room and after about 10 minutes of hot passionate French kissing, she goes onto the batroom to change into something sexier. (sorry to leave out the details - but perhaps another time - I want to get to the main point). Things got more and more heated up and they spend the next two hours in bed performing mutual oral gratification and then finally making love together. It was unbelievable and she raved about how good he was in bed and loved how he made love to her!!! She told us afterwards that she had come to terms with the ethical and moral issues because she had been reading about Polyamory and it made sense to her. He agreed and I thought we were embarking on a great new adventure - they were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and all seemed very good. But in the following days, and although they talked on the phone - she started feeling like they weren't communicating enough. She said to me she felt emotional abandonement and wrote to him breaking off telling him she needed close intimacy and the situation going forward didn't seem would provide that. He was shocked and stunned. Now nearly a year has passed and he is interested in trying it with her again. I think it would be great but it dawned on me that she may be utilizing a "mate rating scal" rather than a "lover mating scale". Would love to hear any thoughts.

[Mr.GeekChic]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

We have been married over 20 years. The first 10 or so my wife was very jealous. I conditioned myself not to pay attention to other women and certainly not talk about them. Even after she started to get past the jealousy issues, I continued to be silent, even evasive with direct questions about who I thought was sexy. Not saying you are jealous, but his past indiscretion may have him in a similar place. When I am not thinking, I sometimes continue to do that now even though we are well past that issue, waiting for the other shoe to fall is a hard habit to break. She gets a kick out of it when I do it now and we can both have a good laugh. Every day it gets easier to leave that habit behind and often share, unsolicited, who I think is sexy.

This sounds like me. There were a lot of factors in there for us, though. When I was a teenager, I thought that people shouldn't be attracted to anyone other than their partner. Then when my wife and I got together, I also had a lot of anxiety problems, a fair amount of which revolved around whether I was attracted to someone other than her. My anxiety caused her to be anxious (because it made her feel insecure; that if I was worried about it, there must be a reason for her to be worried too) and eventually jealous.

Like Coupleerotic22, I had also conditioned myself not to look at other women, nor to talk about their looks. It wasn't until we had "the discussion" a few months ago that I even knew that she was over her jealousy. Although in retrospect, I should have known when she made my best man swear to make sure I got a lapdance at my bachelor party (and then when she was excited to hear all about it when I got home...)

Now that we're discussing this and browsing profiles online, I still have trouble telling her who I find attractive. Intellectually, I know that she's not going to get upset anymore. But there's still that inhibitor somewhere inside that makes it hard for me to talk about it. It's just brand new territory to me that I not only can look at other women, but that it's actually healthy to look at other women, and that she actually wants me to! When we do talk about it together, it's always great fun and it feels very bonding.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Voyager1022

Would love to hear any thoughts.

Glad it was helpful. You mentioned poly, that is a whole different bag of tricks. That, I would think, is much more like finding mate.

I guess I would compare it to finding friends versus finding a mate.

Finding a mate aside from attraction and love, is about compatibility on a 24/7 basis. While you will never agree on everything, it is critical to agree on the big things. Poly would be the same I think.

I have plenty of friends I could not live with, even for a short period of time, they would drive me nuts. But they are still great friends. Playmates are the same. That is why we want to make friends first, if we are not comfortable hanging out with you, why would we want to have sex with you.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Mr.GeekChic

This sounds like me. There were a lot of factors in there for us, though. When I was a teenager, I thought that people shouldn't be attracted to anyone other than their partner. Then when my wife and I got together, I also had a lot of anxiety problems, a fair amount of which revolved around whether I was attracted to someone other than her. My anxiety caused her to be anxious (because it made her feel insecure; that if I was worried about it, there must be a reason for her to be worried too) and eventually jealous.

Like Coupleerotic22, I had also conditioned myself not to look at other women, nor to talk about their looks. It wasn't until we had "the discussion" a few months ago that I even knew that she was over her jealousy. Although in retrospect, I should have known when she made my best man swear to make sure I got a lapdance at my bachelor party (and then when she was excited to hear all about it when I got home...)

Now that we're discussing this and browsing profiles online, I still have trouble telling her who I find attractive. Intellectually, I know that she's not going to get upset anymore. But there's still that inhibitor somewhere inside that makes it hard for me to talk about it. It's just brand new territory to me that I not only can look at other women, but that it's actually healthy to look at other women, and that she actually wants me to! When we do talk about it together, it's always great fun and it feels very bonding.

I guess it is just conditioning. I noticed other women, but would quickly change the subject in my mind. And I (almost) NEVER thought about sex with them (until we started talking fantasies). But even then it was only in the bedroom and when we were making love. Now its is like a past time, if I see someone I think is attractive or someone i THINK she might like, I point them out immediately. It's great fun that we have together.