How Long Did It Take to Be Comfortable With the Lifestyle?

[WabashWilde]

I realize there is no hard and fast rule and that each couple/person is in a different situation unique to them, but I am interested in hearing experiences about how generally long it has taken.Is it an evolving thing? A cyclical thing? A little of both?

Is it common, especially in the beginning, to be all for it one day, then wondering what the heck you think you're doing the next?For me right now this seems almost surreal. It's something I really would love to do, but a part of me really is questioning the ramifications of moving forward. I guess that's a good thing to do-to be somewhat sure and not just dive right in with all of the wrong expectations and motives. Yet I also know that one can be so cautiously examining things that one never moves beyond the safety of a spartan, vanilla life. My husband seems to be all for the lifestyle. He has a few reservations, but seems to be ready to forge ahead now.But I know he often forges ahead without thinking, then regrets and reverses his decision later.I don't want this to be the case with the lifestyle.On the other hand, I am often overly cautious, then unhappy with my decisions. My husband has noted this in me and pointed it out to me.

One thing I definitely know, though, is that I don't want to end up as a Thoreau quote-"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

[LagniappeDC]

First off, welcome to the board. Upon first impression, you are starting off in the right place in terms of being really thoughtful in your approach. As you said, you'll get a variety of responses from this group...so we'll just relay our experience.

As an analogy, I think it's safe to say we dipped our toe into the edge of the baby pool and carefully waded our way in every so slowly. Part of that was circumstances. We first got into the lifestyle soon after our first child was born. I had found an off-premise club that existed in town and brought it up to my wife based on the fact that we had both expressed interest in "extra" activities like that from watching the show Real Sex years ago. We talked and talked and talked about it before agreeing to go. It was a nerve racking experience. We ended up meeting some nice folks and over the next few weeks engaged in some same-room play but no swapping at all.

Then, do to life and pregnancy issues, we took a long break. About a year after our second daughter was born we found a group that held a fairly large on-premise party in the area. That was perfect for us because we could go and people watch, remain fairly anonymous, play in the group room, etc. Essentially, soak up the sexy vibe but not worry about swapping.

We went to on and off premise parties for quite a while just as a couple, continually talking and evaluating. At some point we decided that we wanted to do an "adult" vacation and choose Desire. Again, totally nervewracking when we arrived...but we eased in pretty quickly. At the end of the first week we had our first experience with a couple.

Since then, we've had the good fortune to enjoy some really fun people and try new experiences. And yes, we've also had some issues which needed to be resolved too. After each and every experience we find time to "check in" with each other. We have times where we are going out a lot, and times when life and kids need our full attention and we take a break for a few weeks.

As the male half, I have been able to become more comfortable with many of the aspects of swinging faster than my wife, but my motto is that we move only as fast as she is willing to go. When we have those elusive quiet moments, we love to chat about "what if" scenarios...that helps us think about our future path in a slow, deliberate way.

The key is what works for you. We've always considered this to be a marathon, not a sprint. If you want to go fast - go fast. If you need to take a break, take a break. If you just want to go slow, go slow. As long as you and your husband are on the same page, it's all good and if you ever hit a bump in the road then you should be able to work through it with good communication.

Best of luck!

[DigginIt]

I don't think it was a matter of getting comfortable with the lifestyle for us as much as getting comfortable with what we were willing to do in the lifestyle.

A little history with Mrs Diggs and I - We talked about the lifestyle, off and on, for about two years and then Mrs Diggs went on a business trip to New Orleans and came back all fired up and ready to take the plunge.

We were back out in New Orleans in less than three weeks spending the weekend with plans to go to our first on premise club as well as just have a great time in general.

From the first encounter we were comfortable and never looked back but over the course of this year (that was last may) we have realized that most of our "rules" were about the things we were uncomfortable with doing with others.

The rules slowly dwindled to pretty much no rules now. Most of the rules were made for a number of reasons that never made much sense. It seemed like it made sense back then.

Hope this helps.

[bbarnsworth]

I agree with everything LagniappeDC said. I wanted to add on a few things;

Originally Posted by WabashWilde

I realize there is no hard and fast rule and that each couple/person is in a different situation unique to them, but I am interested in hearing experiences about how generally long it has taken.Is it an evolving thing? A cyclical thing? A little of both?

A little of both. From the first moment my wife and I first started talking about swinging in any real sense, it was three months before we had our first swinging experience, which was going to a club. We did a soft swap then, and enjoyed it very much.

We've never had a bad experience in the lifestyle. Some are better than others. But, nothing bad. Over the 1.5 years we've been in the lifestyle, there are times when our interest is very high, sometimes low. My wife has noted that right before going out for swinging play time, she feels a bit nervous, but once she's playing she loves it. There are times when our interest is low, and we don't do anything for a couple of months or more. Sometimes, it's high. Very high We've never felt any sense that we made the wrong decision at any point though. I think we enjoy it too much for that. Just our interest level ebbs and flows.

Originally Posted by WabashWilde

Is it common, especially in the beginning, to be all for it one day, then wondering what the heck you think you're doing the next?

Yep. The first time you dive off a bungee platform (not that I have) is probably a good analogy. You *know* it will be fun, you're not going to die, etc. Yet taking that step...

Originally Posted by WabashWilde

My husband seems to be all for the lifestyle. He has a few reservations, but seems to be ready to forge ahead now.

...

On the other hand, I am often overly cautious, then unhappy with my decisions.

Two things; one, somewhere in between these two philosophies lies the comfort zone for the two of you together. Two, a sage piece of advice in swinging; always move at the pace of the partner wanting to move the slowest. If the wife wants to have sex with someone else, but the husband would prefer just having sex with the wife in front of other people, they should do what the husband suggests. If the husband wants another woman to give him a blow job, but the wife wants only to go to a club and watch other people, go with what the wife wants. If either partner feels pushed into doing things, it is not going to feel good. Remember the lifestyle is about having fun. Being pushed isn't fun.

There's a joking quote that bears some truth in the lifestyle. "The first time you take your wife to a swing party, you have to drag her in. When you want to leave, you'll have to drag her out"

Originally Posted by WabashWilde

One thing I definitely know, though, is that I don't want to end up as a Thoreau quote-"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Absolutely!

Take your time. Talk plenty with your husband, and talk more. When you've talked about something in particular about swinging ten times, don't shy away from talking about it the 11th time. You can't talk too much about it to get comfortable with each other, together, moving into the lifestyle. Wide open lines of communication are important, and there should never be any sense that there is a taboo subject. My wife felt uncomfortable at first with expressing to me that she was attracted to a particular guy, and wanted to have sex with him. It took a while for her to feel comfortable doing that.

Also, make sure you can talk about it outside of the bedroom. Swinging makes great fantasy material, and can really steam up a love making session. But, if you can't talk about swinging outside of the bedroom, it's a sign that it might be better left as fantasy, at least for now. If you can chat about it while doing mundane day to day tasks, like washing dishes or something, you're on better footing.

One thing that helps many beginning swinger couples is having rules/limits on what is acceptable behavior for both of them. Is it ok to have vaginal sex? What about cumming with the other partner? Should that be saved for your spouse or is it ok to cum with the other person? Is anal sex ok, or no? What about kissing? If you're giving head to another man, is it ok for him to cum in your mouth? You can think of a dizzying array of these questions and answers. Many couples have many rules going in because it gives them a sense of comfort and control over what might happen. This is a completely new environment to most first time swingers. You have no idea what will happen. Over time, as you get comfortable, the rules tend to evaporate. For my wife and I, the rule set is pretty simple now. (edit: and now DigginIt has given a case example ).

For my wife and I, we just got to a point where we felt we'd answered every question we thought we could answer without actually doing something swinging. That was the comfort level we felt we needed to achieve before going in. Maybe we were over-prepared, but it worked for us.

[DiscreetDesires]

I am more the "jump in without thinking" person, while my huband is more the "very cautious thinker".
I think we even each other out fairly well in some circumstances in life, and this being one of them.
He will think of many different things that I hadn't even realized and it helps us to talk through them and the certain scenarios that he may have in mind.
I will echo the others when they say, go at the pace of the slowest or more hesitant person in the relationship.
This is of great value and will make your advancements into the lifestyle that much better knowing that each of you are totally comfortable with the new avenue.

Enjoy yourselves!!

[exploringRM]

We jumped into the swing pool...cannonball We've always been pretty open with sex and after 25 years of marriage the topic of swinging came up. We started going to swing clubs not long after discussing swinging and had our first encounter 3 or 4 weeks into heading to the clubs. We were of course nervous but also exhilerated. For me it took probably about 6 months before it did not seem so surreal. Partiers were especially difficult at first, but after getting to know some people they became much easier.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Will try to answer simply. I'm to one who typically wants to maintain the status quo. She's the one who wants to try new things. Took us about two years to find our cruising altitude and to fly straight and level. Now that we have achieved it, we don't ever want to land again. Glad she encouraged me to do it.

[WabashWilde]

Thanks everyone. It's encouraging to see this is totally normal to feel this way. We have been talking nonstop all week. This is our last weekend off at the same time for a long time, so we are going to try a club this weekend.Hubby is right-if I analyze this to death I will never getting around to the actual fun Gotta turn off that book nerd sometimes.

[DiscreetDesires]

Have fun you too!

Don't take it too serious, but again.. be cautious as well!

Let us know how it turns out!

[JustAskJulie]

For me it took making it to my first M&G, which was a hard road. We made it to the parking lot the first time before I said "let's go home". It was easier for me to meet that first couple one on one and let them introduce us to the rest of the group. Once that happened I was fine. I just have a hard time (sometimes) in large groups when everyone knows everyone and I don't.

[willyoats]

Once I broached the subject of swinging and my wife agreed to try it, it only took a few months to find the right place to start. That was at a club in Florida that had periodic information/education sessions for curious folks like us. It turned out that the month we wanted to go was the month that only experienced swingers were invited for the weekend. Since we weren't experienced yet, the owners offered to give us a special intorductory session on the preceeding Thursday. We went to their house, we listened to what they had to sat about the lifestyle, and we had sex with them that night. So, we were "experienced" swingers and therefore qualified to attend the weekend festivities. We had a wonderful time and never looked back.

There was never any emotional up and down. We loved it right from the beginning.

[AskMeOk]

Originally Posted by WabashWilde

I realize there is no hard and fast rule and that each couple/person is in a different situation unique to them, but I am interested in hearing experiences about how generally long it has taken.Is it an evolving thing?

For us, we were comfortable immediately and realized that we both really enjoyed swinging. I suppose that it is an evolving experience, but what isn't? As one gains more experience, vistas open and new paths are taken.

In 40 years together, swinging has been one of the most natural and fun filled experiences we have had....

[Newpants]

The moment that you become comfortable is when you have done everything that society tells you is destructive and then you realize that no harm came from it at all.

All your prior programing has told you that recreational sex is shallow and sleazy and will leave you feeling degraded and used and that you will come down with some horrible disease and you will spend the rest of your days regretting it.

All your prior programing has told you that sex can only be enjoyed and can only be healthy between to committed people within the context of love and marriage and that anything else is degrading to woman and that her self-esteem and sense of self worth will be destroyed.

Your prior perceptions and ideas about swingers are probably that they are all disease ridden, sexually depraved lunatics that will hussle you and use and abuse you.

You probably have a fear of sudden and instant damage to your health, your marriage and your sense of self if you go one step too far or if one negative thing happens in the course of exploring the lifestyle.

The challenge of swinging is to reconcile all those prior perceptions and programmings and learn a new sense of reality. As you explore and learn and experience new things you will find that recreational sex can be uplifting and life affirming as opposed to degrading and damaging.

You can find that instead of damaging your relationship by subdividing your sexual attention, that it actually strengthens and reaffirms your relationship by adding another level of trust, communication, passion, romance and pleasure into your maritial sex lives.

And as you explore the lifestyle instead of experiencing sudden destruction and chaos, it's more like if you tried something and didn't like it - then just don't do it again....but no harm came from it.

Life is full of unknowns and life is full of dangers. How many of them really come up and bite you in the ass on any given day????? Swinging does have it's risks, but people that keep their eyes open, stay sane and sober and work together with their partner rarely get into anything that they simply can't just walk away from without harm.

Learn all you can. Explore and share your feelings. Communicate communicate communicate with your partner and make informed conscious decisions together as a couple but do not let fear govern your actions.

[Tia Vampire]

Find a M&G or a house party that you guys enjoy the crowd and atmosphere. Then get to know some of the people that attend and you guys also attend on a regular basis so that others can become comfortable with you. When you guys become comfortable with the crowd of people you are partying with, It will become easy to want to take it to the next level. We will say about 5 to 6 months.

[JustAskJulie]

Did you make it the club? If so, how did it go?