Where we stand...what we plan...any thoughts?

[Sardaukar]

I broth up the question and the topic and to my delight my wife likes the idea who knew.

we look for a couple to go out on a date. thats it. No sex. Also we believe that we should become a close friends first. Like having a monogamous relationship with close friends. any thoughts ?
O BTW we don't have any friends besides colleagues and to tell you I see them sometimes more often than my wife I dont really want to bring them home you know.

ps. OK this is important q. we are both Caucasians so we would prefer same race if we are to go all the way; racist, offensive ?

[Chicup]

If you don't have a lot of friends beyond work colleagues, how likely do you think it will be to make super close friends out of people you don't know, prior to having sex, even though your purpose of getting together will be to eventually swap partners?

[Sardaukar]

I will cheat on the answer: If we had a lot of friends how likely is to swap with some of them..the answer is not likely almost 0% chance. What that means is that we have to start from scratch. Establish a friendship with people with whom we can bring up the question of swinging at the right time. To answer your question: with couple who is in the same shoes its very likely.

[slevin]

That wasn't what he asked you. Let me translate;

If you don't have many friends, is it because you're not a very social person and perhaps lack in some social abilities? Will that not have an impact on your ability to make friends through swinging much like it has in other areas of life?

That's not meant to insult; many of us lack in social abilities

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Sardaukar

we look for a couple to go out on a date. thats it. No sex. Also we believe that we should become a close friends first. Like having a monogamous relationship with close friends. any thoughts ?

No sex? I'm confused by what you say.

Swinging is about sexual interaction with other people.

It isn't uncommon for couples venturing out to want sex with someone they can call good friends. I believe this desire is brought on by wanting to feel good about oneself when swinging. The Friends-With-Benefits plan is designed to save oneself from feeling like a lowlife who will have sex with a "stranger" two hours after meeting them.

We planned our launch into swinging this way. We soon learned how silly that idea was, for many reasons that are discussed throughout these forums.

You can be good, clean, wholesome, intelligent, sexual people and still find you have the capacity to attrack and be attracked to good, clean, wholesome, intelligent, sexual people you want to swing with in a matter of hours (or minutes) after meeting them. You will, in time, develop a skill at recognizing who those people are.

I suggest meeting other swingers through swinger ad sites or by visiting a swinger club. Get a feel for who swings. See how well you do in social settings.

You can choose to have sex with anyone you feel comfortable with, as long as they want sex with you. If you prefer to have sex with Caucasians that's okay. It does not make you racist, IMO.

As you continue to read the Swingers Board you will find your ideas about swinging and how you approach swinging will change.

Welcome!

LM

[Sardaukar]

ok on 1 question friends we do have however theese are people we work with it would be unethical to do stuff like this with them.

when i said no sex i meant not on first date..do u jump in bed with just random people as soon as u meet them and they just look good ?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Sardaukar

when i said no sex i meant not on first date..do u jump in bed with just random people as soon as u meet them and they just look good ?

Thank you for clarifying. I now understand.

To answer your question, we do not just jump in bed with random people, nor do we have sex with people just because they look good. I'm not subscribing to that, although some people may.

My husband and I are particular about who we choose to have sex with. We have to like people and feel comfortable with them before swinging with them. However - and this is the point I was trying to make in my earlier post - we don't have to know them over a long period of time, date them many times, and become 'friends first' in order to decide if we want to swing with them. We are pretty good at sizing people up quickly. Within a couple hours we all know if we are interested in having sex, and usually we do on the first meet. We have always found meeting people privately, for dinner or drinks at a public place works well for us, as opposed to going to swinger clubs.

We don't require dating people and becoming friends before having sex. In fact, we believe, and it has been proven to be true for a number of swingers, that the more you get to know someone and feel a friendship is developing, the less you want to have sex with them. Odd as it may seem, it tends to happen that way more often than not.

LM

[Sardaukar]

I have to read it again cuz im getting confused. as far as I know myself and my wife i dont think we can do anything like that just after few drinks with people we just met. actually me and my wife dated about 3 mo before we hit the bed...may be what we want is just wishfull thinking or a fantasy than a real thing. i must talk to her again. thnx.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Sardaukar

I have to read it again cuz im getting confused. as far as I know myself and my wife i dont think we can do anything like that just after few drinks with people we just met. actually me and my wife dated about 3 mo before we hit the bed...may be what we want is just wishfull thinking or a fantasy than a real thing. i must talk to her again. thnx.

Keep in mind, when swinging, you are not courting people as possible lifelong mates. You and your wife were no doubt dating with the hope of finding someone to marry. In that case, people don't always have sex right away when considering someone for marriage.

I think you and your wife would really enjoy reading JustAskJulie's new book, The Swinger Manual, which you can learn about here.

Thinking about all this will confuse you. LOL It took my husband and I nine months to find our first couple to swing with. We didn't jump in quickly. Reading this Board helped us prepare, know what to expect, and make good decisions for ourselves.

I hope that your wife will post as well and share her thoughts. Please invite her to join us.

LM

[Alura]

We kept our experiences to one couple in the beginning. The other lady was an RN and felt it safer. Aids had just become a part of the Evening News, so it seemed a good idea to us, too.

The two couples then toyed with the idea of adding a third pair to our friendship and sought candidates. Laura and I met another couple and "tried them on" but it seemed they had different goals in swinging. The sex was great!

With that exception we kept to one couple at a time (a total of five) for the rest of our marriage. We found our friends in the strangest circumstances, but that's another issue.

Alura

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Sardaukar

when i said no sex i meant not on first date..do u jump in bed with just random people as soon as u meet them and they just look good ?

Look back and read through Likeminds321's responses again and again and really read what she is saying. She is really hitting the nail on the head and telling it in way that very realistically sums up how people often meet and interact.

In swinging ALL people need to have a physical attraction, some sexual chemistry and feel comfortable enough that the other people are good, safe, respectfull people that are not going to bring any harm into their lives.

EVERYONE NEEDS THOSE THREE THINGS.

NOBODY just meets and has sex with random strangers "just because". It may seem that way at first because they are having sex with people you wouldn't or in situations that you are not interested in, but noone just goes out and has sex with whatever warm body presents itself. ALL people are "picky and selective", some just select people you wouldn't.

The problem is that having 4 people achieve all 3 of those things at the same time is very hard and often does not happen very often. You may meet 1, 2, 3, 10, 20 or 50 couples and never find that "4-way click" but when it does happen it is OK to move forward and take things to a higher level whether you have known them for just a few hours or for a few years.

As you get out you will meet people that you will never be interested in having sex with no matter how many times you go out with them or how well you get to know them. Some people you may find physically attactive but it takes a little time to develop a sexual chemistry and enough comfort to lead to the bedroom. And there will be some that the attraction, chemistry and comfort are almost instant. That may occur infrequently but it will happen and if that does happen there is no shame or harm in playing on the first meeting.

[good times]

Your desires are actually pretty normal for people just getting started in swinging. Most, after a short time of trying to meet other swingers, come to realize that the idea of making friends with folks before having sex with them is an unrealistic expectation. The fact is, the qualities in someone that make them an enjoyable sex partner have almost no relation to the qualities someone would have to be ones friend. Most of the playmates we have had shared nothing more in common with us than we both like to have recreational sex with others.

While you will often hear people say that you should go at your own speed, or only do what you are comfortable with, if those things are not compatible with what others are looking for, your options for people interested in meeting you will be very limited. So, while I am not advocating you go out and jump in the sack within ten minutes of meeting someone, keep in mind, most who you meet that are real swingers are not going to be interested in a long courtship. Most are going to expect to get down to business within the first couple of times getting together, or not at all. In our case, when we meet someone new, we will determine if we are all compatible on the first meet, and will either play then or make a future date to do so. If that does not happen, we will assume we are never going to play and will move on to someone else. I think we are pretty typical of swingers that actually successfully find playmates reasonably often.

[Sardaukar]

Ok i think I understand where the problem is...we are not willing to engage in promiscuous behavior. For us the risks outweigh the benefits. I think we are going to slow a bit and make sure we know what we want..
Hay thank you guys that's what I needed. I will talk with my wife and let you know tomorrow.

[exploringRM]

While I understand what you are looking for, be prepared to wait a long time and kiss alot of frogs, so to speak. Trying to find a couple where you are great friends AND have sex AND be exclusive is a rare thing. Heck, just trying to find a couple where you get along enough and are attracted enough to have sex is not always easy.

How do you decide on the "one"? How long do you need to be with a couple before you take it further? And what if you find sexually it's just not there or even after a few months you find the really are not what you want..now you are in a situation where you may need to break it off with that couple. I'm not saying you need to throw away your rules, just that it's not easy.

And define promisicuity as it pertains to swinging?

[Sardaukar]

I don't have the answer to the above questions..that's why I'm here. I did not get the last question do you imply that swingers are not promiscuous..and the term is not applicable in the context of swinging ?