advice for a first timer

[fireblade1979]

hi, me and my partner are going to a swinging club soon, we have found one that welcomes new and nervous people, although he has been to one before as a single guy i havent been to one, i have talked about some my concerns with him, and he assured me that going to a swinging club is nothing like the media or porn films portray, and i understand all that. but i still have a few questions that he cant answer, or i am too nervous to ask him incase he thinks i am being silly. so if anyone can answer them i would be grateful.

1, i know that no means no, but do i have to explain why i have said no, or is just saying "no thank you" enough?

2, what happens, or what should i do if saying no wasnt enough, i dont like causing trouble and dont want to be seen as if i am?

3, if a couple approaches us, and either one of us isnt attracted to one of them (ie, i dont fancy the man, but the girl and my partner do) does that mean i am obliged to go along with it, or that my parner and the couple will be dissapointed?

4, if anything happens, and we start to play with others, and at sometime i feel like i dont want to carry on, can i still say no, even if it has already started, and if i say no will i be classed as a tease and villified?

5, and finally..... what do i take with me, and what do i wear, i understand that i can wear next to nothing, but i dont think i would be comfortable doing that at first, and what items do i take with me?

thanks, any elaboration on any of my questions is welcomed, i really dont want to go into it without knowing the facts, and i also dont want to be scared away by falsehoods or things i dont know about.

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by fireblade1979

1, i know that no means no, but do i have to explain why i have said no, or is just saying "no thank you" enough?

2, what happens, or what should i do if saying no wasnt enough, i dont like causing trouble and dont want to be seen as if i am?

3, if a couple approaches us, and either one of us isnt attracted to one of them (ie, i dont fancy the man, but the girl and my partner do) does that mean i am obliged to go along with it, or that my parner and the couple will be dissapointed?

4, if anything happens, and we start to play with others, and at sometime i feel like i dont want to carry on, can i still say no, even if it has already started, and if i say no will i be classed as a tease and villified?

5, and finally..... what do i take with me, and what do i wear, i understand that i can wear next to nothing, but i dont think i would be comfortable doing that at first, and what items do i take with me?

Welcome to the Swingers Board!

1) A no thank is usually enough and if someone wants to know why you really don't need to answer.

2) No means no. If a persons is bothering you make sure your partner also expresses your lack of interest. If the other party continues to press then talk to the host/hostess/manager of the club. Even a pleasant pest is still a pest. I would not overreact but if you are feeling uncomfortable or pressured then let someone know about it.

3) Doing #3 is called taking one for the team. Most couples do not do this. They will not engage in play with others unless both of them are interested.

4) You can stop at anytime. Make sure you talk to any potential partners that you are new and if you have any rules or things you won't do. And the stopping might be an absolute halt or simply a gentle redirection to something you are comfortable with.

5) If what you want to wear is not street appropriate then change when you get there. Bring a number of things if you want. Also bring, condoms, hygenic wipes, and anything you think you would want if you do wind up playing with others. Also most clubs have lockers, but typically you bring a small combination lock. Many clubs are also BYOB.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by fireblade1979

hi, me and my partner are going to a swinging club soon, we have found one that welcomes new and nervous people, although he has been to one before as a single guy i havent been to one, i have talked about some my concerns with him, and he assured me that going to a swinging club is nothing like the media or porn films portray, and i understand all that. but i still have a few questions that he cant answer, or i am too nervous to ask him incase he thinks i am being silly. so if anyone can answer them i would be grateful.

1, i know that no means no, but do i have to explain why i have said no, or is just saying "no thank you" enough?

2, what happens, or what should i do if saying no wasnt enough, i dont like causing trouble and dont want to be seen as if i am?

3, if a couple approaches us, and either one of us isnt attracted to one of them (ie, i dont fancy the man, but the girl and my partner do) does that mean i am obliged to go along with it, or that my parner and the couple will be dissapointed?

4, if anything happens, and we start to play with others, and at sometime i feel like i dont want to carry on, can i still say no, even if it has already started, and if i say no will i be classed as a tease and villified?

5, and finally..... what do i take with me, and what do i wear, i understand that i can wear next to nothing, but i dont think i would be comfortable doing that at first, and what items do i take with me?

thanks, any elaboration on any of my questions is welcomed, i really dont want to go into it without knowing the facts, and i also dont want to be scared away by falsehoods or things i dont know about.

All great questions!!! First off read as much on this board as you can and the one thing that you will hear over and over is the importance of COMMUNICATION with your partner!!!! That cannot be overstressed enough and not only should you not be concerned about sounding silly but it is actually CRITICAL to address your concerns with him so that he knows what you are concerned about and what your concerns are. If you just quietly go along with things he will assume that you are good to go full steam ahead and you WILL run into problems!!!! So rule #1 is communicate communicate communicate.

Now then to address some of your concerns.

#1. You NEVER have to explain why you do not want to play with someone EVER! A simple "thanks for your interest but I'm afraid I am not interested" is all that is necessary and if you do try to give a reason it will backfire and they wll try to convince you that your reasoning is wrong. You should never have to say more than "no thanks"

#2. It should always be enough and if for some reason it isn't then just walk away. If someone follows you and is still persistant you have the right to be very firm and direct and to tell the club management and most club hosts will be very stern with the offending party if not actually kick them out on the first offense. FYI most people are very well behaved and respectfull in clubs because it is such a sensitive area.

3. You should ABSOLUTELY NOT go along with it!!!! "taking one for the team" is one of the quickest and surest ways of pounding the final nails into the swinging coffin for everyone. It is actually the norm for at least one person to not be "feeling the love" when two couples meet so assume that exactly that is going to happen a lot. Most times it will be you or the other female that isn't feeling the love but it does happen to guys too at times so don't be afraid of it happening and don't EVER just go along with it if you are not into it.

#4. As a consenting, free adult you always have the right to not do what you do not want to do and noone can take that away from you. Now I will say that if you state up front that you are willing to play with someone and then change your mind once things have begun to get hot and heavy you do run the risk of people viewing that negatively. Let's be realistic here, if you have the hots for smeone and they going along with you and then change their mind right in the middle of it, how would you react?

It's ok to be upfront that you are stepping into an unknown territory and you want to take things slow and one step at a time but if you are not interested in someone it is always best to be upfront and honest about it. We ALL get rejected and rejection is a fact of life in swinging. My mother always told my sisters that if they didn't want to have sex with someone that they shouldn't get naked in bed and make out with them.....That is still a good advice today.

#5. I'll let the ladys of SB handle this one but as a guy I will say this, wear what you are comfortable in and won't be fiddling around with all night or fidgeting all nervous and self-conscious in. From a guys perspective a woman that is comfortable and confident in a t-shirt and sweatpants is more desirable than someone in the nastiest stripperwear that looks uncomfortable and self-conscious. I'll let the ladys address the rest.

Great questions, I hope this helps. Once the evenining is over you will realize that most of your fears were all based on myths and misconceptions. All of the lifestyle clubs that I have been to the behaviour and demeanor was much more respectfull and classy than any vanilla meat-market bar. You are A LOT more likely to get hit on by rude, persistant a-holes at a regular vanilla bar than at a swinger club.

Have fun and be sure to come back and tell us how it went!!!!!!!!

[two4youinswva]

Welcome to the board!

exploringRM pretty much covered it all. Short and sweet, pretty and neat.

Stick around here and check out all the forums. There's plenty of good stuff on here.

[djjwp]

Yep, good advise, real short and to the point.

[fireblade1979]

thanks for all your advice, question 4 was more about if i started playing, and they guy started to do something i wasnt confortable with could i stop him, not just stop everything but ask him not to do what he is doing that i dont like, if that makes sense.

and i took newpants advice on board, and showed him this website and my post, and he thought i was more silly for not telling him

[crazinred]

Well I can not add much to this as all the above has answered the questions very well. As for question #4 just remember in this life style for the most part the women are boss. What you say is what happens. If a play partner does something you don't like tell them so if they still do it then stop playing with them.
We started in this lifestyle 1 1/2 years ago and had many of the same questions. This site is great to help out with answers. Just remember to go and have fun and don't expect to get to play every time.
Good Luck have fun
Tim & Brenda

[fireblade1979]

that was one of my biggest worries, that as soon as i walked in the door i would be mauled, but reading through these forums, and what my partner told me has put my mind at rest.

i do have something else i am worried about that i thought of, i had a hip replacement about a year ago at 30 i know!!!! so i am not as flexible or maneouverable as some people, and i use a crutch sometimes (not always) i also have a scar about 18inches long down my leg, and because i had mobility problems for 8 years or so i am not the most slim person. my scar doesnt bother me, its part of who i am and i kind of have the attitude that if it bothers others then its their problem, but i dont want to make others feel uncomfortable.

so i guess what i am asking, am i likely to make people uncofortable because of my scar, and my crutch? and is my flexabilty and manouverablilty going to cause me problems?

i'm sorry if i am asking silly questions, but i kind of want to be certain i am not going to be doing something that is going to be a problem for others

[crazinred]

Well Small world I had a complete hip replacement October. 6 2008 and then we started swinging that November. When we started I was concerned about my hip but all went well. If anything it was a conversation piece more then anything. Best thing is to be open and honest with everyone and all should go well. The people we have met in this lifestyle are the nicest and most understanding people we have ever met.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by fireblade1979

1, i know that no means no, but do i have to explain why i have said no, or is just saying "no thank you" enough?

2, what happens, or what should i do if saying no wasnt enough, i dont like causing trouble and dont want to be seen as if i am?

No is enough, or at least it should be. If someone doesn't take a simple "no" or "no thank you" as enough and pushes you for more, walk away. If they continue to bother you, find a host/ or club owner and report that the person is harassing you.

3, if a couple approaches us, and either one of us isnt attracted to one of them (ie, i dont fancy the man, but the girl and my partner do) does that mean i am obliged to go along with it, or that my parner and the couple will be dissapointed?

What you just described is called "taking one for the team" and it's never a good idea (but it happens). You should never do something you are uncomfortable with or don't want to do just to make someone else happy; even if that someone else is your partner.

4, if anything happens, and we start to play with others, and at sometime i feel like i dont want to carry on, can i still say no, even if it has already started, and if i say no will i be classed as a tease and villified?

You can say no at any point and stop the action. Will all the other parties be happy about it? No, will they think you are tease? maybe. Be sure to explain up front that you are new and are not sure how comfortable you are. Make it clear to your playmates that if you are not comfortable you will stop the action. It gives them a warning, and lets them know that if they can't handle the possibility of that situation they should find other playmates. However, that situation is always a possibility with any playmates. You never know what might make you uncomfortable or may make you decide you don't want to play with someone after you've already said yes.

5, and finally..... what do i take with me, and what do i wear, i understand that i can wear next to nothing, but i dont think i would be comfortable doing that at first, and what items do i take with me?

That is up to you. Wear something you feel comfortable and sexy in. If you aren't comfortable you won't feel sexy and you won't have a good time. You may want to take a change of clothes (or two) so that once you get to the party and see how others are dressed, if you feel over dressed you can change. What to take with you? every club is different and provides different things so it's always good to be prepared for whatever may happen. Since it sounds like you are open to possibly swinging at the club you will want to be prepared for that, including having your preferred brand of condoms, lube and whatever else you like to have on hand when you have sex at home. You'll probably also want a towel (or two).

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by fireblade1979

so i guess what i am asking, am i likely to make people uncofortable because of my scar, and my crutch? and is my flexabilty and manouverablilty going to cause me problems?

We all have scars, so don't worry about it. Some will notice and ask you about it, but don't take that as a negative. As far as the crutch and immobility, I don't think it will turn anyone off but it may make some people apprehensive that they might hurt you. So you may need to make it clear that while you need the crutch (if you have it that night) and you can't move as well as you'd like you can still have fun and they don't have to worry about hurting you. If there are certain touches or positions that may cause you pain be sure to let them know that before you start playing, and if they forget and start trying to put you in that position or touch in that way just gently remind them. It's often hard to remember things like that in the heat of the moment.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Adding in on a couple of items.

Never do anything you're not comfortable with, at any time. A thoughtful sex partner will always understand. Those that are trying to manipulate you to an extreme that you're not comfortable with, may not. Regardless, it's your body.

That being said, I was the one going 'too far' with a guy we were playing with once. It was only the couple's second time playing and while it seemed very conventional to me, it was beyond what he was ready for. I slowed things down and explained we only do what we both wanted. He was very sexually charged, I got him relaxed and got him to cum and cooled him down and things were fine. Things do happen. He kissed great.

As far as a scar and/or a crutch, Julie said it quite well. I played with a guy who had a crutch due to a disability and I simply asked what his range of mobility was. Being an informed sex partner has always allowed me to make the best experience possible happen and he did say I was 'amazing'. So there you go. At least for me, I ask questions to learn. I hope most people are that way.

[lovinher]

All great responses. But IMO, you should read through the threads here before going any further. I think most of your fears and insecurities (which are perfectly normal) will be answered in more detail and you will find most of the different scenerios that may come up. I think you will feel much more confident when you do decide to go and enjoy yourself more.

When you do make the leap, let us know it went.