Why does this bring of a red flag?

[Obliquity]

Now I'm sure most of us here have seen Jerry Springer, I personally Love to watch it, the Ninja hillbilly is my fav guest.

As some of you know I am working out my jealousy issues. We've (hubby and I) have been talking with another couple alot lately. I'm very interested in them. We have even all talked about my issue and have agreed if things go farther that the gal and I would put on a show for the guys and then have sex with our own partners.

Now here comes the Jerry Springer part. The Gal lives with her parents and Ex, who she has one kid with. Her other kid was with the man shes with but he lives on the other side of the city and he only sees her once a week if that. She always talks about how shes mad at him for this reason or that reason. She talks about her ex alot better then her bf.

For some reason the way she looks and acts toward my husband makes me a little twitchy. See my hubby is a great dad who spends time with our kids and has a good stable job. Everything her man doesn't have. When I told my hubby about it he got testy saying I need to get over my problems. All this is making me NOT want to continue with ANYTHING. With all her problems and the way my husband acted when I tried to talk about it, I think maybe this couple isn't the one to try things out with.

Am I wrong? Is it just my jealousy issue? or am I right by thinking this might not be the couple for us. I figured asking people who could maybe with what little I've said can see the whole picture.

[PB&J]

Back away.... far away.....

There are plenty of other couples out there... find one!

This is not a jealousy issue- this is about the advisability of finding a stable, committed couple who will not be likely to bring in drama you just don't need.

[two4youinswva]

There's enough red flags here to supply a 1970's May Day parade in Moscow.

What's wrong with this picture? The better question is "what is right" with it?

The woman lives with her parents and ex, and has a child with her current lover, who lives on the other side of town. She badmouths her lover, but not her ex.

No need to go any further. Find a couple with less baggage, and with a more traditional living arrangement.

Also, let hubby know that if he chooses to get "testy", it is much less likely that someone else will be touching his testes.

[Obliquity]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Also, let hubby know that if he chooses to get "testy", it is much less likely that someone else will be touching his testes.

BAH HAHAHAHA sorry that part was way to funny!

I agree I think since I'm off work tonight I'll talk to my hubby and let him know that I'm not interested in them as play mates. Friends? maybe but playmates no. The gal for the most part seems like we could be friends But I'm glad I am not the only one who see it for what it is. I thought it seemed red flagish ok.... BIG red flags. I'll show him the post and see if maybe he'll see it too.

thanks for putting my mind at ease, I always worry that my issue will cloud my mind.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Also, let hubby know that if he chooses to get "testy", it is much less likely that someone else will be touching his testes.

Originally Posted by Obliquity

For some reason the way she looks and acts toward my husband makes me a little twitchy.

We all have a little voice inside of us that lets us know when something isn't right. Wise people listen to that little voice.

When I told my hubby about it he got testy saying I need to get over my problems.

There's this thing called respect and it's very important in any relationship, especially a relationship that is thinking about swinging. Your husband should respect the fact that you think/feel something isn't right, regardless of where that feeling is coming from, instead of telling you to...get over it.

It doesn't matter if it's a case of jealousy on your part or if there really is something wrong with the whole picture, you don't feel right about it and your feelings should be respected.


Teresa

[VegasLee]

TNT gave good advice.

To be honest I see as many red flags between you and your husband as with the others.

I don't feel you two are anywhere near ready to be exploring others. You two need to work on the two of you first.

[Obliquity]

Thanks TNT for the advice. Very good advice btw.

VegasLee, I agree there are some things we (hubby and I) also need to work out.

[JustAskJulie]

Not so much why this scenario gives a red flag, but why wouldn't it!?

Anytime you see someone talking down about their partner that's a huge red flag. All the other stuff is just bonus red flags in case you missed the first one.

Keep searching.

[lardub]

I concur with everything said here, find a stable commited couple. persons who don't live together get about as far as hello if we are looking for playmates. Ones who badmouth each other we tend to block, ignore get away from as fast as our feet will carry us....
Everyone has to deal with jealousy at onetime or another, getting control of it and nailing down exactly what it is your feeling has to be dealt with before you move on if hubby can't understand then let him know that it won't be happening at all..

[Chicup]

When ever you think Jerry Springer belongs in the conversation, its already decidedly bad.

[Edison Carter]

The problem with unstable people is that they often want validation by having you become more like them. Not the other way around.

[Obliquity]

Well, I talked to the hubby and he agrees. So now its just telling them we aren't interested. But we both think that they aren't what we are looking for. Thanks for the help. I'm so glad I have this forum to turn to for advice.

[DigginIt]

I just want to say that everyone has hit all of the good points. It is never excusable to be dismissive of your partners feelings.

Emotions are often not logical and it doesn't matter if they make sense. The moment anyone is uncomfortable for any reason, justified or not, the play stops.

If you are going to start swinging then you are going to have to take that philosophy to heart and love your partner even more for being brave enough to communicate their concerns, even if it goes against something you are dying to do.

[bbarnsworth]

Quoting you, but removing everything having to do with the other couple. Everyone's hit that right out of the ballpark. If you play with that couple in any respect, you deserve ever drama bomb that lands on your head

Originally Posted by Obliquity

We've (hubby and I) have been talking with another couple alot lately. I'm very interested in them. We have even all talked about my issue and have agreed if things go farther that the gal and I would put on a show for the guys and then have sex with our own partners.

Removing the other couple in particular, and just speaking in abstract, this isn't a bad idea. If you find an amenable couple, this could be a great way to start for you. It's dipping your toes in the pool, and not much more.

Originally Posted by Obliquity

he got testy saying I need to get over my problems.

Others commented above, but I'll piggy back too. On the 1-10 scale of stupid things to say to your spouse in any situation, this one's about 9.5. You should be working together on any sort of issues, not apart.

Originally Posted by Obliquity

Am I wrong? Is it just my jealousy issue? or am I right by thinking this might not be the couple for us. I figured asking people who could maybe with what little I've said can see the whole picture.

I think you need to step back with your husband and make it very clear that if you're going to dabble in swinging, that you do it together, as one couple, not as two people. Both of you have equal say, equal right to pull the plug for any reason. You should feel absolute support if half way into things with another couple, you decide "I can't do this right now. I need to leave" and you tell your husband (and don't think you shouldn't), he will support you 100% and leave with you without question. That's a rule with my wife and I. Neither of us has ever had to use it, but the mere presence of it gives us a sense of solidarity and comfort. We play together in the sense that we do it together, on the same page, with the same rules. Period.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Others commented above, but I'll piggy back too. On the 1-10 scale of stupid things to say to your spouse in any situation, this one's about 9.5. You should be working together on any sort of issues, not apart.

Agreed, dumb thing to say. I do think that it's worth looking at why he would say it though. Understanding why he reacted that way will help to further the conversation and actually open up communication. Telling him it was stupid, or even pointing him to this thread where we all confirm its stupid, is just going to upset him and shut down communication.

I'd expect that he was enjoying the attention from this girl; no doubt he could sense the issues we all saw, but that admiration and attraction is great for the ego and can be intoxicating. It's also hard to give up when it isn't something you're used to experiencing from other women.

I saw that he's come on board with this couple not being a good idea, so this is just an aside to the conversation