Possibly new to swinging, looking for mentors

Hello,

This post will be rather long, so bear with us.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. We have 2 kids and a dog and a lifetime of hardships but we have remained together and our love for each other is strong and plentiful.

My husband and I are very open with each other and we know about all previous lovers and experiences. I myself have had more notches on my belt then him, and I have done more things than him as well. None of this has phased him, but has turned him on to me even more. I've been with both men and women before, but not at the same time.

About a year ago we started the "talking dirty" thing with each other. At first it was playful and calling each other little names and such, but then one night he asked if I would sleep with a girl for him. Getting caught up in the moment, I told him I would and described how it would play out. Some of the best sex we ever had. This continued for the next few "sessions" for us then he asked one time (during intercourse) if I would have sex with another man. I was caught off guard, thinking that this was very taboo and we should remain monogamous. But then we kept talking about it and I discovered that he has been having fantasies about us being intimate with other people, both men and women (women for himself only).

I then starting reading about the swinging lifestyle. We only talk about it during sex and right afterwards, but never before or during the busy work week. I have many doubts about it because I'm very scared. I'm for one, insecure about myself and my performances, my lifestyle and things like that, but I'm more scared that he will find someone new and they will fall in love with each other, or visa versa.

I'm pretty sure all couples go through these doubts and thoughts before commiting themselves with "the lifestyle" but I cannot wrap myself around it 100%.

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being totally OKAY and 1 being NO GO, I'm like a 1 or 2. My husband is like a 5 or 6. He really likes the thought of me being pleased by other people and him being pleased by other women.

We have toys and like to experiement with things like that, but what should I do? Should I stick to my morals and tell him No, I want our time together to be only us. Or should I try it once and see if we like it, or I like it.

But then I have so many other questions!!! What if he LOVES IT and I HATE IT!? What if it is the opposite? What if do it, and the man looks at me and says horrible things about me, or I'm not very good? What is my husband find someone better and decides to have only her and not me anymore?

I have been heartbroken before by an ex, and it has left me with some serious scars and trust issues. I totally 100% trust my husband, I know he would never go out of his way for an affair, but I feel opening this Pandora's Box will give him the chance to feel unfaithful and he will love it!

What I think we REALLY need is a couple that has been doing this for a long long long LONG time that has much experience that can mentor us. Maybe some reading material, other websites, group meetings?

Can anyone help us? Can anyone help me?

Thank you for all your time reading this, sorry it is so long!

[ncmd_couple]

Actually, after several years of searches on the internet, this is the best site that I have ever seen for straight up honest information about swinging. One of the things that you will read here, is that a couple should move at the pace of the slowest member of the couple. And that is you. We have all been burned in previous relationships. Your husband probably has as well. That is life.

Take your time.
Read everything here that is a topic of interest to your.
Read it with your husband and you two talk about what you have read.
Then talk about it some more.
Then if you don't find what you are looking for, ask us, and someone will have crossed that bridge or have good advice.

In the mean time, relax, and the two of you move at your pace.

S

My husband and I have been dancing around the idea of becoming swingers. We are not entirely sure that we are totally ready, but we are ready to start reading and learning more about it.

Last night we sat down (well, lied down since we were in bed already), face each other and look at each other the whole time and ask and told each other what we wanted.

We came up with some rules, specific rules. We came up with our own guidelines and how we want to approach the lifestyle.

Our first step is to get some reading material, read forum and blogs, experience stories and listen to advice.

While we are in the homework phase, we are going to work on self improvement. I myself need to loose another 25 pounds and get myself toned up a little bit. Also I need to get a beauty regimen going again. I used to be really good at it, but after becoming a mom, I have started to lack in that. My husband just would like to tone up some, for him, loosing weight isn't a problem, but keeping his muscle tone is.

After we get though all of our homework, we will come back to the beginning and see if this is still what we want. If we do, we will pursue a club to see what we think of everything. If we are still interested, we will start looking for couples.

Some rules we came up with:
Only couples, no singles.
No one night stands.
Always have a connection and never "take one for the team".
Always together, never apart.
Never in our bed, we will have a guest/play room to use.
Build a solid foundation and friendship before jumping into play.
Find couples that are like us, from family and kids to values and morals.
Make play a special occasion, for us to do every once and awhile.
Keep our private/play life private! Just like we do now, no kiss and tell.
Always have the option to put the lifestyle on hiatus and always have the option to say no.
Ask questions! Lots! The better we know someone(s) the better it will be for everyone. Also, answer all questions too!
Drug free and Disease free always.
Protection always, never bareback.
When expanding our family, the lifestyle goes on a halt until a year after the new baby is born.
No sleepovers at host/hostess home, ours is okay, but not away from home.

We have other things we talked about:
Our code words/signals for when we are or not interested.
What we find attractive in other people.
What to do in "what if" situations.
How to handle our children on "nights out".
Finding a reliable babysitter that is understandable on long nights.
Keeping our lifestyle private. Not that we will be ashamed but we don't want everyone knowing our business, just like we are currently before the lifestyle.
Couples to be close in our age range, but have a varity of friends in the lifestyle that can help guide us and help us find people that we like and connect with.

There was so much we talked about. I really didn't know much until coming to this website when I discovered that we are Soft Swappers. Lol, if that is the correct term? We like to talk about it, it turns us on and makes sex enjoyable again, but we are not acting on it currently.

I know my post are long, but I have learn so much. Yesterday my girls were gone with my parents and all day long I read and read and read until I was sure this was something I wanted. I was the hesitant one, but not so much now.

I also know I have to work on my self esteem issues. I know I'm not hideous, and I'm not a mean person, but I know that I need to view myself better and not mediocre.

Is there anything else I'm forgetting? Should we do something else before pursuing this?

All the help and responses will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for all your time reading this!

[DigginIt]

(this was posted before your second post - ours crossed, lol)

Wow, a lot of things on your mind.

I don't think you are ready for swinging quite yet. I'm not saying you never will be but I'm saying that I think you need to share these things with your husband if you haven't already. You need to spend a lot of time here asking questions and use this forum to initiate deeper discussions between you and your husband.

I'm going to try to hit on a lot of your concerns but it most likely my answers won't flow in direct relation to your questions.

Your confidence seems to be very shaken to the core. What I can tell you is that most of the men are very sincere and respectful. There are those that aren't just like everywhere else and you need to be picky but most of the couples we have played with seem very much like us. I treat women that we play with like I treat my wife and I expect the same in return. I think, with a few exceptions, this is the norm.

My wife was crazy adventurous before we were married and I was the one that was pretty reserved and yet she was very shy and timid at the start of our swinging experiences. You will have what I call a "moment of truth" moment where the heart rate will rise and you will wonder if you are going to be jealous when you see your husband with another woman and vice versa, when he sees you with another man. This moment is going to go smoothly only if you two have absolute trust and confidence in each other.

You know in your heart that you love him and you have to trust in yours that he feels the same. You have to let those insecurities go and understand that what you two will be doing is adding more experiences and memories into your relationship through swinging. It's not about loving other people but having the freedom to experience new passion and while you are playing apart, you are experiencing it together.

I have to ask this because I've seen this trend over other threads. Is your fear that you will find a couple that you think your husband will find more attractive, better body, maybe do things in bed that you won't? If those are your fears you need to turn those around and say, wow, I hope we both find people that are better looking with sexy hot bodies that will do things that make our experiences mind blowing !!! This is about new experiences, new sensations and awaking feelings you have long since forgotten existed.

I've watched my wife with some pretty hot men, some much better endowed, some better bodies, better looking, etc. Am I worried that she will leave me for them, not in the least!! The love that my wife and I have is a love that has been built over 12 years of heartaches and triumphs and raising 4 children together. We love each other truly and someone with a hot body and a bigger cock is not going to come between our relationship. We are always our own worse critics. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else and often our reasons are manifestations of our own fear.

More than a mentor, you just need to spend some time coming to terms with what you and your husband expect to get out of the lifestyle. Once you put something behind it that makes sense to both of you, it's easier to come to grips with what you are planning to do. For my wife and I, swinging had everything to do with wanting to re-experience that 'lust' you feel the first time you are with someone new. Find out what it is for the two of you and talk about it when you are NOT having sex.

I wish you two the best of luck. My wife have been in the lifestyle for 9 months and we have gone from the timid to wild almost overnight.

[DigginIt]

Okay, since our post's crossed, I'll comment very briefly on your second.

That is a very good start !! The boundaries, the rules, the 'what if' scenarios are all great things to discuss. No matter how much you talk about them, when the moment comes and goes, you will realize that you missed quite a few 'what if' scenarios you had not anticipated, lol.

You rules will always be evolving as you become more comfortable with each other and with others you play with. The one last thing I would prepare you for and warn you not to over-analyze is that in the heat of the moment, when you are with another couple that you have not been with before. You are going to be very hyper sexually charged and you will probably shout things or make noises you haven't made in a long time. It's all natural and doesn't mean anything other than each of you are having a good time.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

This post will be rather long, so bear with us.

I'm sorry but you've exceeded your posting size limit of three sentences. In the future, please refrain from posting more than three sentences or your post will be trimmed for you. just kidding of course! No need to worry about long posts! Type away!

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

My husband and I are very open with each other

Having 100% open lines of communication between spouses is very, very, very important for swinging. Good so far!

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I then starting reading about the swinging lifestyle. We only talk about it during sex and right afterwards, but never before or during the busy work week.

(So you know, the "red flag" is referred to around here as a potentially very serious issue in regards to swinging activities. )

There are many people who have fantasies about group sex, threesomes, etc. The fantasies are great, and are great fodder for monogamous sex sessions. But, there is a world of difference between _fantasizing_ about swinging, and actually swinging. For many people, it's great that swinging remains a fantasy; that's all it ever was for them, all it ever needs to be, all it ever will be. That's perfectly fine.

A good measure for how far along you are in considering swinging is if you can discuss swinging at _any_ time; shopping for groceries, driving somewhere, changing the oil on the car, gardening, etc. If your happily discussing swinging in non-sex charged situations, it's very likely that it is a lot more than a fantasy. If you can't talk about it in such situations, it's likely it's purely in the realm of fantasy...which is ok! There's no wrong answer to that, just an answer.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I have many doubts about it because I'm very scared. I'm for one, insecure about myself and my performances, my lifestyle and things like that, but I'm more scared that he will find someone new and they will fall in love with each other, or visa versa.

Fears are normal. <freak out>YOU'RE NORMAL!</freak out> lol!

Seriously, fears are your mind's way of warning you that there's uncharted territory ahead that may contain unknown dangers. But, don't let your fears dominate who and what you want to be. There's well founded fears and irrational fears. Make sure you can slice and dice between the two.

Insecure about yourself and your performances? That's irrational. It's a very common fear though, especially from women entering the lifestyle. The short of it is this; there is no possible way you could be a perfect sexual partner to every man on the planet. Result; there will be men who are not attracted to you, don't find you sexually appealing, don't think you're very good in bed. But guess what? There's plenty of men who are the polar opposite of that. You can't change that. You can't affect that. All you can do is be the best person you can be. Let the rest of the world decide for itself what it wants and likes. You can't really do much about it anyways.

A couple I've been in frequent contact with got into swinging last year. The wife of that couple also was quite insecure about her appearance and possible performance. Fast forward a year, and they've had zero problems finding men happy to have sex with her, and she's had a fantastic time doing so. Her insecurities are gone. When my wife and I first got into swinging, she too was concerned about whether men would be attracted to her, want to have sex with her. I told her what your husband should tell you "What, I'm crazy enough to be attracted to you and nobody else in the world would touch you with a ten foot pole?"

So, stop selling yourself short. Stop being insecure about yourself and your performance. There will be no grade at the end of this course, no exam to pass!

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I'm pretty sure all couples go through these doubts and thoughts before committing themselves with "the lifestyle" but I cannot wrap myself around it 100%.

Most couples do, yes. But, also know that "committing" yourself to the lifestyle doesn't mean you have to do anything beyond that which you really want to do. You can dip your toe in the pool your first time or three; just have sex in an open room at a club where other people can see you. See how that feels. Maybe down the road try soft swapping with another couple; no actual sex, but lots of other stuff. Etc. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

It took a while for my wife and I to take our first real steps into the lifestyle. For us, the point at which we decided to go ahead and dip our toe in the pool was that we'd talked out everything we could possibly talk out about swinging. All the answers we eventually arrived at didn't throw up any obstacles to us swinging. We had come to a point where the remaining questions we had could not be answered without actually trying it, and we both felt comfortable taking some small steps down the road.

You're not there yet, and may never be. That's ok.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being totally OKAY and 1 being NO GO, I'm like a 1 or 2. My husband is like a 5 or 6. He really likes the thought of me being pleased by other people and him being pleased by other women.

This is pretty funny because my wife and I frequently used a 1-10 scale early on in our journey to becoming swingers. She would bounce up and down the scale, some days high, some days low. I remember one particular day in a museum she was very hot and bothered and I said "I'll bet you're a 10 right now" and she said "Does the scale have to stop at 10?" A week later, she was back down around a 5. That's ok. Just because you get to a 3 one day doesn't mean the next you have to be 3 or higher.

I was usually higher on the scale than her, but sometimes I was lower too.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

We have toys and like to experiement with things like that, but what should I do? Should I stick to my morals and tell him No, I want our time together to be only us. Or should I try it once and see if we like it, or I like it.

Umm, we can't tell you what to do. That's a cop out Let me explain.

You've expressed you're a 1 or 2. That's perfectly fine. You can stay a 1 or 2 forever if you like. That's a perfectly acceptable answer. Nobody on this board will ever try to convince you to try it. In fact, rather the opposite. The people here will tell you NOT to try it if we see major red flags.

Trying it once when you are a 1 or 2 is definitely a bad idea. Lots of potential problems being risked if you try it when you're at a 1 or 2.

Also, there's nothing wrong with your morals. Morals aren't right or wrong (in most cases) they just are.

If you are curious about swinging, the best thing to do right now isn't any one thing in particular. It's keep doing what you're doing. Ask questions, try to find answers. Spend time talking about it with your husband. Any subject in regards to swinging should be fair game, and you have to keep an open mind, not be mad at your spouse for them expressing their views, even if you don't like the view very much. It's ok to keep talking over and over again about something you've already talked about in specific many times before. Also, even if you say "that would be ok to do X" on Monday, it doesn't mean that come Friday, you can't back out because you said it was ok on Monday. You can say no at any time, for any reason, and have the right to change your mind at any time, for any reason.

Perhaps next to impossible with a couple of kids, but get some alone time with your husband, and kick off the conversation with him "Love, I want to talk about swinging while we're not having sex. Let's talk"

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

But then I have so many other questions!!! What if he LOVES IT and I HATE IT!? What if it is the opposite?

Then you don't do it again until (if) you're both ready to try it again. That is an easy answer, and IS the answer. Remember; the focus is on you, the two of you. This "you" has to decide together to do something. If part of "you" says no, part says yes, the answer is an emphatic no. As ncmd_couple said above, you go at the slowest pace between the two of you. Right now, that's you, and that's perfectly fine.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

What if do it, and the man looks at me and says horrible things about me, or I'm not very good?

That ISN'T going to happen. First, that would be insanely rude. Second, the guy wanted to have sex with you in the first place, and should be adult enough to accept that regardless of the outcome. Third, even if he hated having sex with you, you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than you do of him saying something to that effect. He'll most likely just politely turn you down if you try to connect with him again. Fourth, not that I'm the great Seer of Swinging but I've never heard of this happening. Ever.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

What is my husband find someone better and decides to have only her and not me anymore?

There's been a recent thread here asking part of that very question. Ah, here it is!

My answer to this; Does your spouse love you so little that he would drop you like used kleenex because someone else was better at sex? I think you're selling him short, and selling the love you share between you short. Swinging isn't about love. It's about fun. Sexual fun.

My wife knows that I love her, adore her, treasure her, and can't imagine or even want to consider a life without her. Even if Miss America showed up, was the best sex partner I ever had, and told me how absolutely thrilled she was at having sex with me, and wanted to be with me in more than a swinging sense, there's zero chance I'd ever leave my wife. Miss America can't track what I have with my wife. She could give me tremendous orgasms, but I am not a walking penis. Ok, maybe a dancing one

If your husband could be taken away from you by another woman giving him a fantastic orgasm, there's problems in your relationship that need to be addressed period, or problems with him period.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I have been heartbroken before by an ex, and it has left me with some serious scars and trust issues. I totally 100% trust my husband, I know he would never go out of his way for an affair, but I feel opening this Pandora's Box will give him the chance to feel unfaithful and he will love it!

Those fears, those scars are real and rational. But, to let them make decisions about your husband is to evaluate your husband based on the behavior of men from your past. That's not fair to your husband, and it most definitely isn't fair to you.

Swinging ISN'T about being unfaithful. In fact, it's very much the opposite. One poster here recently described shedding the jealously, shedding the possessiveness as a greater freedom, a deeper love, a stronger connection with the spouse you love.

I thoroughly enjoy watching my wife have sex with other men. It isn't just that it's a major turn on for me (which it most certainly is!). I feel closer to her, more in love with her, more deeply connected with her. We don't need swinging to achieve that; we had and continue to have a phenomenal relationship. I want sooo much for her to be happy, fulfilled, self actualized in her life. Seeing how much she enjoys having another man is a thrill for me. It's not cheating. There's no way in heck she'd even think about swinging if she thought for a second that she was being unfaithful to me. The same goes vice versa.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

What I think we REALLY need is a couple that has been doing this for a long long long LONG time that has much experience that can mentor us. Maybe some reading material, other websites, group meetings?

Can anyone help us? Can anyone help me?

Thank you for all your time reading this, sorry it is so long!

Message me privately, and I'll happily give you our phone number. You can talk with me and/or my wife. If you were local to us, we'd happily spend an evening with you, doing nothing more than talking. We very much enjoy helping people (swinging or any other part of life), and would be happy to at least be a callable resource for you.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I then starting reading about the swinging lifestyle. We only talk about it during sex and right afterwards, but never before or during the busy work week. I have many doubts about it because I'm very scared. I'm for one, insecure about myself and my performances, my lifestyle and things like that, but I'm more scared that he will find someone new and they will fall in love with each other, or visa versa.

- Pillow talk fantasies while you are in the heat of the moment is one thing and it is perfectly normal, safe and fun. Actually DOING IT in real life is a whole different animal. Once you get so you do think about it and are able to talk about it during the week after you have taken the dog to the vet and taken your Aunt Suzie's Tupperware back to her house after a family gathering, then you are at a different level of involvement.

-Insecurity can be a big challenge and even a deal breaker in the lifestyle. Insecurity in the lifestyle is like an oil leak in a race car with the Indy 500 coming up. You HAVE to get that addressed and fixed before race day.

-Lets look at a few realities here. Your husband has dozens of opportunities to meet new people and fall in love every day. Do you have any reasons to believe that he is looking for a new mate at this time??? Is he an innately self-centered and egocentric person in general? Is he a cheater to begin with??

If he was in the market for someone else or a new mate the LAST thing he would do would be to try and get you involved in that process. He would do that all on his own and would not mention a word of it to you.

Swinging is INTRAmaritial sex, not EXTRAmaritial sex. Swinging is exploring a new sexual adventure and going to a different sexual level WITH your partner.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I'm pretty sure all couples go through these doubts and thoughts before commiting themselves with "the lifestyle" but I cannot wrap myself around it 100%.

This is actually an understatement of biblical proportions. The vast majority of people do not even allow themselves to even think about this kind of stuff. The fact that you have come this far shows that you are probably in the 0.0001%tile of the most sexually adventurous people on earth. Give yourself a pat on the back and hang in there!!!

You will never be 100% comfortable with and shouldn't ever be. Even people that have been swinging for years still have questions, concerns, doubts and challenges.

It's not the fact that you have concerns and doubts that is the issue. It's how you handle and deal with those concerns that matter.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

We have toys and like to experiement with things like that, but what should I do? Should I stick to my morals and tell him No, I want our time together to be only us. Or should I try it once and see if we like it, or I like it.

This is a real toughy and one for which no other person can give you a direct answer on what you should do. If you truly have moral objections to swinging and feel that it is fundamentally wrong then who are any of us to tell you to try something you feel in your heart is wrong. It is up to you to follow your own personal moral compass.

Those of us that are active swingers have made personal reconcilations between what society tells us is wrong vs our own personal moral convictions. Will you be able to reconcile those conflicting moral concepts?

I will say that if you go into it just to appease your husband or just to "try it and see" you WILL most likely end up hating it and being resentfull. I can almost guarentee that.

FOR SWINGING TO WORK FOR YOU AND BE ENJOYABLE FOR YOU, YOU MUST INNATELY WANT TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND HAVE BUY-IN AND HAVE YOUR OWN ACCOUNTABILITY IN IT'S OUTCOME!!!!

It's not something that you can do for someone else and it is not something that you can do haphazardly and expect it to be OK.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

What if he LOVES IT and I HATE IT!? What if it is the opposite? What if do it, and the man looks at me and says horrible things about me, or I'm not very good? What is my husband find someone better and decides to have only her and not me anymore?

What if what if what if what if what if???? what if a meteor strikes, what if the Chinese invade, what if global warming ushers in the next ice age and we all freeze to death? If you dwell on all the possible diasterous things that can occur in life all you will accomplish is you will sit in fear in the corner and never actually experience life.

Yes there needs to be a balance of being aware of potential problems and being an informed consumer vs being paranoid and self-handicapped.

- If either of you hates it, don't do it anymore. Chances are if one of you hates it the other won't get much out of it either. Swinging is a team sport that you do together and much of the enjoyment is based on the success of the team and the mutual shared enjoyment. If one of you has such a bad time as to hate it, the chances are the other didn't get off on it much either.

-I'll let you in on a little male secret. When it comes to love and marriage and commitment, men are very picky and selective about who's finger they put a ring on. When it comes to noncommitted, recreational sex they are not only not all that picky but they are very appreciative and will be honored that you picked them to have recreational sex with. As long as you are not diseased with open draining sores and do not smell bad, there will be men lined up wanting to play with you and they will be very appreciative and honored to be with you.

- As I said above, men are very picky about who they marry, not who they play with. the fact that your husband has already married you means that he has already decided who he wants to go home with at the end of the night.

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I totally 100% trust my husband, I know he would never go out of his way for an affair, but I feel opening this Pandora's Box will give him the chance to feel unfaithful and he will love it!

Ok now this can be a toughy too. Do you truly trust your husband or are there some actual, objective signs that he may be wanting to stray?? Do you have some legitimate reasons for questioning his faithfullness or are your insecurities getting the best of you?

-If there are some legitimate reasons to questions his loyalty then swinging is a road you should not go down.

- If you have some insecurities that may cause their own set of issues then like I said above, you MUST address and correct your insecurities before moving forward.

Either way, the fact that you feel this way is a red flag and something that must be addressed either way before you try to make a fun fantasy a reality.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

We came up with some rules, specific rules. We came up with our own guidelines and how we want to approach the lifestyle.

I actually did read your entire post but shortened the quote down to save some bandwidth.

I think you two are on the right track in your discussions and in gathering more information about swinging in general.

We talked about swinging and did research for over a year before we actually met another couple and it was about another year after that before we became somewhat active in the lifestyle. One of our best couple friends in the lifestyle talked about swinging for over 4 years before they actually became involved and were soft swingers for half a dozen years before they ever full swapped so don't be afraid to take as much time as you need.

I did read your list of rules and will offer this. YOUR ACTUAL RULES ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR DISCUSSIONS ABOUT YOUR RULES. What I mean by that is the true value comes from discussing your comfort zones and boundries as well as your interests and noninterests with your partner.

here is an example, You could come up with a rule that says you will never go to a swing party unless you have mowed the lawn first. At first glance it would appear that lawn maintenence and swinging have no correlation and that it is a silly and self-limiting rule. However if you are unable to relax and enjoy yourself knowing that the yard needs to be mowed then it will interfer with your ability to enjoy yourself. The value comes in when you each realize that in order for you to enjoy yourselves that certain things must be taken care of first and that certain boundries are not going to be crossed.

We also had a million rules when were first starting out. Our only rule now is if you don't want to do something, don't do it and if someone else doesn't want to do something then don't do it to them. That pretty much covers everything. However the important thing to remember is we have discussed our comfort zones, boundries and interests/noninterest MANY times over the years and know where the other stands.

That is the critical piece that you two will need to achieve. so again, what is most important is that you two talk openly and honestly with each other about EVERYTHING.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by the2vs1913

I also know I have to work on my self esteem issues. I know I'm not hideous, and I'm not a mean person, but I know that I need to view myself better and not mediocre.

Is there anything else I'm forgetting? Should we do something else before pursuing this?

As I alluded to in my earlier post, IMHO I do think there are some insecurity issues that might need to be addressed before stepping out into the real world. What needs to be addressed is #1 are your concerns about infidelity legitimate or are they conjured up from insecurity?

Infidelity is a deal breaker but insecurity in and of it'self can cause real bad problems in the lifestyle as well.

I would also like to address the self-esteem issue as well. We all want to look our best and if we are looking good we feel good as well and we carry ourselves with more confidence too.

Putting some time and energy into looking and feeling your best is time well spent However keep in mind that if you wait untill you are both beautiful hardbodies before getting involved in the lifestyle you will spend your lives waiting and not doing. Then when you do decide to go to a party or a club you will walk in and see lots of women that are overwieght, with stretchmarks and bulges and blemishes and you will see a lot of balding men in outdated glasses and potbellys hanging over their belts.

There are some beautiful people in the lifestyle but the reality is they are pretty few and far between. The lifestyle is mostly made up a normal everyday people with scars, blemishes, rolls and hairloss.

Do work making your appearance as sharp and presentable as possible but don't let it turn into an unending quest and don't wait for the perfect body before you get out and let that body be touched and pleasured by others who will enjoy and appreciate it just the way it is.

[warrencouple]

First up, you've come to the right place looking for advice. Being in a somewhat similar situation as you (new to swinging, nerves, etc) I found out about this "swinging" thing from perusing a vacation site forum, then found my way here.

Now, on to the topic.
First and foremost, you and the SO need to COMMUNICATE with each other. As was said, not as pillow talk after a round of love making, but over breakfast, or at lunch, or sitting watching TV. And, there is a difference between talking, and communicating. Make sure you listen to what he says, and he has to listen to you. You need to be able to tell him what you might want out of this, and he needs to be able to tell you.

Second, based on your posts, it sounds like you're the really nervous one, which is again the situation my wife and I are in. Therefore, YOU, not him, need to set the pace. He needs to be willing to stop when you say stop, I'm not comfortable with this, and NOT try to pressure you to continue.

Your first step will depend a lot on how you two are as a couple. If you're comfortable going to clubs / parties and able to talk with people you've never met, then I'd say on or off-premise parties / clubs are a good start. If you're more on the shy and quiet side, you're probably going to be a bit uncomfortable regardless.

Definition time!
Off-premise club - Generally a party held at a bar, or nightclub, sometimes with the entire premise taken over and only for people who've registered. NO sex on the premises.
On-premise club - Typically a private club, where sex is allowed on the premises, often in certain areas set aside for that purpose

Both obviously have their advantages for newbies. Off-premise clubs, there's going to be little to no pressure to play with others. On-premise clubs, you may have couples asking you to play, as well as any pressure you put on yourselves to play (whether with others, or just the two of you) Regardless of which you choose (or have available in your area,) there's no "shame" if you simply go, hang around, and leave without doing anything. Trust me on this! My wife and I have now gone to an on-premise club in our area a couple times (only once as members, and only members can use the play areas,) and we've yet to get to the play areas. Rather than repeat the tale, here's the thread on our last visit.

As for your concern about looks. Don't be. At this point, my wife and I have seen pretty much the same body types you'd see at the mall. We've met one couple who was probably in their 50-60s, we've met others who might not even have hit 30 yet. My wife isn't a lingerie model, but that isn't the point. First and foremost, she's beautiful to me, and as for being "sexy," well, that's at least as much a state of mind as looks, if not more so.

Which, brings me to the last bit (probably) What if you decide you really don't want to do this, and he still does? Frankly, the ONLY answer to that, is that he should respect your decision, be appreciative of the fact that you TRIED, and let it go. One thing you both need to be, as well, is patient with each other. If he's anything like me, he's going to be all gung-ho to go-go-GO! DON'T let him pull you into anything you don't want to do. DO be ready to put a stop to anything you're uncomfortable with, and alos be ready for him to put a stop to it. You may find, that you go to a club, have a good time, discuss it some with each other, and go back, with the intent of trying some soft-swap. At which point, he realizes he is completely UNcomfortable with seeing you pleasuring another man. He would then need to stop things.

I'd say, in closing, possibly the two biggest "rules" of swinging to keep in mind are:
1. Communicate with each other at every step.
2. NO means NO, period.

Jason

[Meetussoon]

dont knock the one night stand in swinging too quick. But always trust your instincts, even as a newby.

[JustAskJulie]

Until you are both 100&#37; ready, don't do it. That time may never come and there's nothing wrong with leaving it as a fantasy and enjoying it together. But, NOTHING good will come of moving faster than either of you are ready. Don't allow pressure from him or yourself (to make him happy) push you to move beyond what you are comfortable with.

[SaSsyNsWeEt]

WOW....There is much here to talk about! I myself would have to vote NO on you and your husband "becoming swingers" for a few different reason! First this statement is a HUGE red flag,

"but I'm more scared that he will find someone new and they will fall in love with each other, or visa versa." If you are not 110&#37; secure in your relationship than this lifestyle is NOT for you! The way I see it, there is NO sex on earth good enough to make my husband want to leave me, our child, our home, and our life together! Plain and simple! You have to see this for what it is....SEX and nothing more. If you find people you can be life long friends with than that's a wonderful bonus for you both, but in no way, shape or form is what we do with anyone else considered "making love"! No one here is looking to replace their spouse.

Something else you said was a bit bothersome, "I'm pretty sure all couples go through these doubts and thoughts before commiting themselves with "the lifestyle" but I cannot wrap myself around it 100%." You should know too that this lifestyle is not something you have to "commit" to at all. It is something that can enhance your marriage and your sex life, but it is NOT something either one of you have to do!

The thing is, if your "morals" are telling you no and you decide to go through with it anyway to make your husband happy than you will only hurt your marriage by creating resentment between the two of you.

I can relate to the self-esteem issue though. I have had a baby and as a result I have stretch marks and a mommy pooch...but since meeting other people I have discovered that none of that matters to most of the people in the swinging community. Everyone we have met has been so down to earth and easy going. I have come to find that I judge myself far more harsh than they judge me! My husband and I go to the gym a few times a week and it has been a great motivation for us to stay healthy and try to look our best, but it is by no means a requirement. You will find that many profiles say the same thing "we are not Ken and Barbie"!!

This statement, I believe to be a deal breaker..."I have been heartbroken before by an ex, and it has left me with some serious scars and trust issues. I totally 100% trust my husband, I know he would never go out of his way for an affair, but I feel opening this Pandora's Box will give him the chance to feel unfaithful and he will love it!" .....<BIG sigh>......Swinging with other couples has never felt like we were being "unfaithful" at all. My husband is never doing anything I'm not. Things aren't done behind each others backs and being in the lifestyle has only bettered our communication with one another. My husband and I have found a safe place to learn how to please each other better and how to be more open with our fantasies. For us this is not something that happened over night. We started off slow, chatting with other people, looking at pictures of other couples and then slowly we started meeting others for casual dinner or drinks. Then when both of us were nothing but 100% ready for whatever came our way, we invited a couple over to our house. It was an AMAZING experience and we remain great friends with that couple. However, this lifestyle is NOT for everyone!

All this being said, you have come to the right place for any advise you may need, but I ask that you go into this with an open mind and free of all the misconception you have heard.