Home town or travel a bit? And... friends or co-workers a definite 'no?'

[ACuriousDuo]

Hi all, as would be typical of a very green married couple just fantasizing and wondering... we have a million questions, and many of them are answered on this forum and many thanks for all the time and effort people put in here to help out people in all stages of this journey!

I've searched but can't find a direct answer on here for this one:

1) We live in a relatively small town (<30,000 folk). More often than not, we will run into someone we know almost every time we go anywhere. Is it more advisable for us to seek our first social event somewhere else? There seems to be no shortage of organizers in bigger towns 2 hours away. I think how awkward it might to step into the club and immediately recognize a couple that you might either work with, or is in another social circle in your life. I'm sure it happens. How do people who swing in their hometowns separate it all, if at all? Which brings me to next question...

2) Occasionally my wife and I will fantasize or just hint-talk about sex with friends that have been in our lives for a while (like, before we even started talking about swinging). There are some friends (who are also co-workers) that know we're reading about and fantasizing about the lifestyle (they are people we trust with so much!) and are obviously turned on by the same fantasies. I don't think we would ever aggressively seek to play with them (we haven't even passed the fantasy stage yet), but what if...

What if it happens...? Hot tub, drinks, or out at a vanilla club and sexual innuendos flying... maybe a dance or two... and next thing you know there's some touchy play. It's a feasible reality I guess and not something we've set definite boundaries on yet because, well, we are curious...

I'm sure many on here have had similar fantasies about vanilla friends; even just same room play with our own S.O.s (no swap) comes up in me and my wife's fun little discussions.

What's the fall out? Damage control? Is there a friendship bond that develops beyond anything we've ever known or is it just so awkward to hang out with them or see them at work that this possibility needs to be a definite, solid rule of 'NO?'

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by ACuriousDuo

Hi all, as would be typical of a very green married couple just fantasizing and wondering... we have a million questions, and many of them are answered on this forum and many thanks for all the time and effort people put in here to help out people in all stages of this journey!

We're happy to help

Originally Posted by ACuriousDuo

1) We live in a relatively small town (<30,000 folk). More often than not, we will run into someone we know almost every time we go anywhere. Is it more advisable for us to seek our first social event somewhere else? There seems to be no shortage of organizers in bigger towns 2 hours away. I think how awkward it might to step into the club and immediately recognize a couple that you might either work with, or is in another social circle in your life. I'm sure it happens. How do people who swing in their hometowns separate it all, if at all? Which brings me to next question...

You can run into people you know 10,000 miles from home. There's no real control over such situations. There might be a reduced change of meeting someone you know at an event 2 hours a way, but they might be going 2 hours away for the same reason. There's no way to know for sure. At some point, you've got to decide if the risk is worth it or not.

The stock response typically seen here is that if you run into someone you know, they don't know anything about you that you didn't just learn about them. That covers most, but not all, situations you might have outside of the club/event in interacting with that couple.

Originally Posted by ACuriousDuo

2) Occasionally my wife and I will fantasize or just hint-talk about sex with friends that have been in our lives for a while (like, before we even started talking about swinging). There are some friends (who are also co-workers) that know we're reading about and fantasizing about the lifestyle (they are people we trust with so much!) and are obviously turned on by the same fantasies. I don't think we would ever aggressively seek to play with them (we haven't even passed the fantasy stage yet), but what if...

Standard rules of thumb in the lifestyle;

• Don't play with co-workers. It's not worth it. There's lots of opportunities outside of co-workers.
• Don't make swingers of friends, make friends of swingers. Friends are friends, swingers are swingers.

Originally Posted by ACuriousDuo

What's the fall out? Damage control? Is there a friendship bond that develops beyond anything we've ever known or is it just so awkward to hang out with them or see them at work that this possibility needs to be a definite, solid rule of 'NO?'

I think if we had some friends whose friendship wasn't all that important to us whom we knew were swingers and with whom we had a mutual attraction, we might consider it. But, it would have to be a friendship we wouldn't be upset about losing.

We have one couple with whom we are friends who are swingers. We've helped them along in the lifestyle, being ~1 year ahead of them getting into it. But, we're never going to swing with them. There's too many other opportunities.

[SecretAsianMan]

I know some folk who've very squemish about possibly running into other "locals" at a swinger-event. So they choose to travel ... only to run into those same locals because THEY'RE also traveling to avoid their neighbors! (*laughing*)

What it comes down to is... are these folk the gossipy type who'll spread the word about what you do (and would that make any difference to you). For some, their professions might be effected (i.e., vanilla parents get twitchy when they learn their children's teacher is a swinger)

Most of the time... there's a very solid "no-tell" policy amongst swingers. (I won't tell anyone you're here and doing this. You don't tell anyone else that I'm here doing this.)

---------

Swinging with friends can work - IF you're willing to alienate some of your friends who wouldn't be kosher with this. Sometimes it can work VERY well and y'all elevate your friendship from "platonic friends" to "friends with benefits" and everyone is perfectly happy with the arrangement.

The problem with getting together with friends who aren't swingers or educated about the lifestyle is... they don't fully understand the "rules of the game" and might become emotionally involved and want to take it past "just sex" - or their spouses/partners might not understand which can lead to a whole different episode of Oprah.

-------------

Swinging with co-workers... I don't recommend this AT ALL unless you know for sure that they're already in the lifestyle. Otherwise... mixing sex & the work-place can be even more dangerous than sex & friendships - because none of us really wants to be out of work in this economy, right?

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree with the above. If you know your local town is the type where everyone knows EVERYTHING about everyone else's business (as in you already know who the local swingers are and you haven't even started swinging) then I'd say yes go to a different town to play. Otherwise, you aren't in much of a different position as most people, MOST of us have to drive an hour or two to find a decent club (if that's what we want). Unless your town is so gossipy that everyone is going to know you swing the first time you speak to another local swinger couple there's no reason to avoid swinging locally - you'll just run into your neighbors in the next town instead of in your own.

As far as playing with people you already know. In a small town, that often can't be avoided. There are still the same caveats, however. Ask yourself if swinging with them is worth losing a friend over? Ask yourself if they (and you) are really ready for this. Talk with them. Try to avoid any awkwardness that might exist. The idea of just having a few drinks and letting things happen is great in theory, but the most likely way to end up with awkwardness and possibly regrets the next day. As far as co-workers, avoid bosses, and anyone who may have (now or in the future) influence over your position. If things go sour, you don't want to lose your job over this. Even if they don't have influence over you at work, if things go sour and they start spreading gossip about you, it can have a major impact on your life and job. So is it worth losing a job over?

[realcplub2]

Great question.. To echo BBarnsworth.. We moved 1200 miles south.. and a few years back, My wife was flying home to see her family at 6am, and as she went thru security, I headed out of the terminal.. and ran smack into one of my childhood friends that lived a few thousand feet away from me all the while I was growing up.. hadnt seen him in years but SURPRISE there he was.. Granted it was a flight from Orlando to NY, but it goes to show, you never know

first off, unless you are truly in the outback or the frozen wastes, you really arent too far away from a larger metro area.. even if its just 30 ro 40 miles away. Ask yourself the question, Where would you go if you were looking for a OUTBACK steakhouse? or an OLIVE GARDEN.. most times they arent in the smaller towns, and the demographics the companies use tend to trend towards a larger population.. IE its easier to blend into the crowd

the other way to come at it is, simple do a zip code search on whatever site you currently use.. pick an area you feel somewhat comfortable traveling to, and go from there, look up how many potential playmates are in that given area..

You dont say in your post, so, I am gonna ask, are you leaning toward the club scene of a more low key, private type thing? Clubs again are usually, and I said usually in larger areas..

Now, as far as choosing potential playmates from your current cast of characters you know.. Again ask yourself, If you were to share a secret, that you expected them to keep and never tell another soul, who could you trust? And who wouldnt get weird about it afterwards?

This is why we so often advocate finding new folks to play with rather than the vanilla friends you already have. In essence you are doing just that, you are expecting these people to keep quiet for the rest of YOUR lives, what may have happend between all of you.

I know it sounds dumb but, I mentioned this to a newbie in a conversation, and they said " Sort of like knowing who you can have help you hide the bodies" .. And while its not that dark.. Loose lips can ruin not only your lives but your families lives, your professional lives.. Consider for a while before even starting that conversation.

[spiritualuk]

I do see your problem with the HOME TOWN issue and with having such a small population base it will make this lifestyle very hard, and give you very limited options for possible play mates. HOWEVER that said it should not be impossible and perhaps you are under estimating the scope and size of your area? For example a good percentage of those people will live in a different area than you, or will live in the country side and might not even use the same places and shops as you. The point is simple, even if your town had 10’000 people would you know all 10’000 of them? Chances are there are plenty of people that don’t really know you, or many people you associate with, and remember if you do meet someone to play with local then its not like you have to take them out in front of all of your friends, in fact you can go somewhere discreet and then have a private night at home or in a hotel or something.

Truth be told you ONLY have a few viable options which are firstly find someone local who you don’t know, and who doesn’t mix with your friends, family or work mates (maybe someone new to the area) either a couple or single and play with them privately behind closed curtains. Secondly you could travel to go and meet people, or on the other hand get someone to travel to see you, but rest assured travel can be a tiring, stressful and costly experience at times, and is not ideal for any long lasing friendship with someone, at least not on a regular basis. I have had fun with people from the same city as me numerous times but those people are still hard to meet because work, life, and everything else can get in the way, so if you can struggle to meet up with them in your own city a times then traveling can add a further burden and hassle, and can break things up quick.

So far it seems your options are someone local, or arrange travel to meet people, which are two possible options. However there is a third and far more extreme option, which basically (not holding any blows) but move house? That perhaps sounds very extreme but give it some thought because (life is not a practice run) and moving into or close to a major population centre like a large city would vastly increase your chances of meeting people, so basically either meet someone local and hope for the best, or travel to meet people, or in the far extreme actually move. I only recommend moving because some years ago I can remember sitting there and thinking (THANK GOD) I was born in a city, and actually sat there and wondered what this lifestyle would be like stuck in the country with no one to play with, and honestly I’d have probably moved in that situation lol.


WORK MATES / FRIENDS? OK this is (not) my opinion, this is (not) my made up advice or ramble, this is actually born of experience, this is something that has actually happen in my life. You want the honest, no holes bared, no bull s**t answer? Then honestly playing with friends, work mates or even anyone who knows your friends and family is a HUGE – MASSIVE – COLLOSAL – MISTAKE!!!!!! I agree his might have worked well for some people (good work) HOWEVER it also has the potential to back fire on you to a EPIC STANDARD have no illusions playing with friends, work mates or even anyone who knows your family can devastate your life, be very, very careful.

REMEMBER (this is a vital rule) but some peoples opinions on this lifestyle will differ to an almost staggering extent, for example you might talk to one person about this and the reaction could be positive, open and cause no offence, but on the other hand you could talk to the next person and they could be TOALLY DISGUSTED and if your not careful you could cause serious offence. People’s views on this differ greatly; some people love it while others hate the idea and are offended by it easily, WELL in that case you imagine your ENTIRE family and all of your friends knowing about your secret life, how do you think they would view you then? Remember people often fear what they don’t understand and if your friends, family and work catch wind of this then there could be very mixed reactions, some friends could stop talking to you, other family members might shun you and talk behind your back, and you could even lose your job.


MY STORY – Well a good 8 years ago now me and my girl friend had tried this life style a fair bit with both women and men but were struggling to meet someone who matched us well enough, and on that note we started talking about asking a friend, someone we both trusted and knew, and that would be interested and keep our little secret. Been fair we had the PERFECT friend in mind and we both knew him well, and both trusted him a lot, and he was a great match for us, so we basically we tuck the plunge and asked this friend his thoughts, and to our delight he was interested and we began chatting more about things  after some chatting, discussion and time we decided to try things out together as good mates, what followed was ONE SINGLE NIGHT where our friend actually failed to get hard properly and felt to nervous, think he felt really embarrassed about not getting hard and was to nervous to try again, so sadly we left things.

However this is where everything began to change for us (and not in a good way) you see in our younger years we were most defiantly party animals and was out clubbing every week without fail, sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week and its fair to say we had a huge circle of clubbing type mates at the time, well the friend we had played with in all his wisdom decided to talk a girl about things and basically told her what happened and that he felt nervous and embarrassed, which none of us planned as we knew each other well enough, HOWEVER that girl then went and told another two people, then those people told another four people, and NO LIES before we knew it our entire group of mates back then found out what we were up to  it spread quickly and virtually all our mates knew we liked other men / women joining us, and honestly having all your mates know you have other men rounding f*****g your girl friend is not fun, and it certainly isn’t for your girl friend either, you imagine all your family, friends and work mates knowing that?

Over the next six months (after our friend had told the girl) everything began to change in our social circle, some friends stopped calling, others avoided us when possible, girls stared to look at my girl friend with suspicion like she was going to try and sleep with there boy friends, while all the lads looked at me like I was gay for having other men join in and it made them nervous and uncomfortable around me (I’m not even gay) but YES peoples entire views and attitudes towards us changed and was shaken, and sure some friends did remain loyal and true, but honestly we lost A LOT of friends due to that experience, and not only that but none of them have ever looked at us the same since.
You have to understand that if you play with a friend then chances are that after that ends (because it will end at some point) then chances are someone could find out, or your friend could tell someone else and make them promise not to say (we all know how it works) and believe me it can travel faster than you think, it managed to ravish through just about our entire circle of friends in just a few months, and that was all because our friend told ONE PERSON and between that girl and our so called friend they basically blew the knee caps off our social lives all just by gossiping, and no lies here people we lost the respect and trust of a lot of friends, some were jealous, others were suspicious, some disgusted or shocked, and sure some stayed by us but we lost an awful lot.

Imagine that getting around your family, friends and work? Maybe you have a family and have children, so what happens if your kid’s school finds out or a local child protection agency? What if your girl friends family finds out and starts pressuring her to leave you? OVERALL there are a huge amount of reasons why playing with friends or work mates is a bad idea, for the SMALL chance that it will work you are risking an awful lot and can destroy friendships easily, and believe me if your friends and work mates find out it can cause serious problems and be very embarrassing.

YES playing with friends or even people from work in some circumstances can be ok and can work really well, but if you want my honest opinion (born from actual real life experience) then playing with friends is basically like playing Russian roulette with your social life and that chances are it could backfire to a rather epic standard (it did on us) and believe me it caused us serious problems. My advice is simple, if your going to play with any friend then make sure its another couple (not a single) at least the couple will have as much to lose as you and should stay quiet, but honestly I’d not even advise that and if your going to play with anyone then I’d recommend they was NOT your friend and that they don’t even know your friends, family or social situation.

Be warned, you should keep this lifestyle and your social lives very separate, have no illusions this subject can cause divorces and marriages to break down, and there are plenty of horror stories where people have lost virtually everything, there wives, homes, children and the works, so what on earth makes you think this couldn’t destroy your social life and working options as well. TRUST ME in the wrong hands this information can travel very fast and do a lot of damage, my honest advice to anyone is to always stay away from friends / work mates, which is only good sense, it keeps you safe for starters, but basically these things do have a SHELF LIFE in fact playing with someone does not last forever, so sure you might get a few months of fun and games with your friends, then end up paying the price for years to follow, just like we did.

Trust me playing with friends / work mates can be a sure path to disaster and since we played with that friend we made a vow NEVER to play with friends again, and since making that choice we have played with numerous people and not actually had one problem at all. Remember this is a fun, nice, exciting, sexual and even romantic lifestyle, it can be pleasurable, hot, horny and filled with friendship and experiences, however you might see it like that but am betting your friends, family and work mates wouldn’t all see it like that, in fact if they find out then half of them will just label you as freaky sexual perverts, or even wrongly brand you as been gay when your not, either way this can cause serious problems for your life.

Above all else KEEP THIS SECRET this is (NOT) a subject for your friends, family, work mates, children, or anyone to find out. My honest advice is to find someone neutral who does not know you or your friends and habits well, and sure treat that person as nice as you want, but keep them away from your social lives, one wrong word and you can sit there and watch everything crumble to peaces, we basically did but luckily for us it did not get round our work places, which was a blessing. My advice is NOT to play with mates at all because for a few weeks or months of fun you can do years worth of damage, and believe me it tuck us years to build our social lives back, do not play with mates.

Regards x

[ACuriousDuo]

Just wanted to jump in and say from both of us, thanks for all the responses. We're evaluating everything clearly and not looking for someone to answer us the way we want to hear it, but truly digesting everyone's experiences.