Talking to my wife

[herPleasure]

Sorry, but this is a long one.

I will start off by mentioning that I love my wife dearly, and unconditionally. We literally had the love at first site when we met, and knew that we would get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I honestly knew that that was what I wanted within the first few days of meeting her. We have not had more than 5 nights apart (work and family related) since we met. We were married 2 years later, and have had several fantastic years of marriage since. We get along extremely well, with very few arguments. We are essentially each other’s best friend. We still make time for date nights as much as possible. We will go out for dinner, go out for drinks, or stay at home and make a nice dinner and share some Champaign. We will do this whenever time permits, normally once or twice a week. We are not the types who go to bars, or clubs, we tend to stick to the smaller pubs with fewer people when we do go out for drinks. We vastly enjoy each other’s company. There isn’t anything that I will not do to ensure that my wife is happy. I very much enjoy seeing her happy. There is definitely no question about the love in our marriage.

Next, our sex life. Sex with my wife is fantastic, and I am sure that she feels the same way. We have never had any issues in the bedroom, each of us thoroughly enjoys the experience and the emotional connection which we get out of it, and of course the pleasure which arises has been more intense than I could have ever imagined. I love pleasing my wife (I cannot say that enough), I love it when she is experiencing pleasure and I find it a great turn on. I could honestly say that I take great pleasure in hearing and watching her have an orgasm, nothing can get me going more than that.

Even though the sex is fantastic, we have yet to be all that adventurous. There has been some dirty talk from time to time, but it’s not normal for us. We may talk dirty about what we would like to do to each other when we have the time to do such things, and we will express possibly a few things which may or may not ever take place. But, still, the dirty talk is more limited where and how type scenarios, such as on the counter in the kitchen or bathroom, me being behind her..etc. Sometimes, on my way out the door in the morning, I will put my hands down her pants while standing in the doorway while kissing her goodbye and ensure that she has at least one orgasm to last her throughout the day (I can honestly say that I love doing that even though it makes me all pent up for the remainder of my day).

Now, that is pretty mild stuff, and I am aware that there is much more that can be done. We do not watch any porn together. We have indeed talked about it, and have gone as far as looking up what is available on the internet, seeing what looked good for us to watch together. We have purchased several different varieties, mostly ones which have a comedy aspect to them and some sort of plot (even though none really have much of a plot). We did this several weeks ago, but I am still unable to get her to actually watch them with me. I will explain why I would like her to watch these with me a bit later on. I did strategically choose titles with specific content.

Ok, so, up until I met my wife, I would have to say that I did enjoy sex, and that I was a sexual person, but there was never a need for it. I was happy when I got it, and not unhappy when I didn’t. But, since I have met my wife, I just cannot get enough of her. I could please her all day and night if I were given the opportunity to do so. On occasion this has happened. But generally, we tend to have sex once or twice a week. It does seem that this may be enough for her, even though she expresses the need from more. I therefore do masturbate a fair amount, usually with the thoughts of what I would like to do to her or her do to me. Many times, she enjoys partaking and lending a helping hand. She has expressed that she needs to give herself a helping hand more often, but tends not to. I would love to know that while I am out during the day that she is at home having an orgasm, and I would love to hear about it when arriving home at the end of the day. I do try to set all the right moods, and take care of a lot of the extras, cleaning house, taking care of bills, ..etc so that she does not need to worry about those things and can relax and find the time for some self pleasure. But it still does not help. I will continually work on this.

We communicate with each other about almost everything and anything. I am sure that there are some things sexually that we have not communicated about, which could be as simple as not knowing how the other will feel about the topic, and it may seem embarrassing to talk about the topic. I know that I am in that situation at the moment. The one thing that we do not talk about is our fantasies, she has heard a few of mine in the past (the mild ones), but I still have yet to hear any of hers, and I know that she has some, who doesn’t. I don’t know if my shy wife has some far out there fantasies that she just feels to embarrassed to bring up, or if there really isn’t any fantasy which she hasn’t already explored. When I do try to ask about her fantasies, the topic is normally changed pretty quickly and deflected. I do notice, and try my best to not push and pry.

With all that out of the way, and I am sure that I may have forgotten to mention some information, but I am sure that anyone can get the gist at this point of how things are. I do have a fantasy which, honestly I am scared to death to bring up, but I do feel that at some point I should to see how she feels about it, and if it would ever be a possibility. I just have no idea on how to bring it up lightly and gently without it seeming far out there (even though it is for her). My fantasy does not necessarily involve a swing club, or a group of people, merely having another person assist in pleasuring my wife. I am impartial to whether this be another man or a woman. I feel that the gender of the third party is irrelevant to me since my fantasy is all about my wife’s pleasure and being able to enjoy the fact that she is getting pleasure. I would find it very arousing to watch and hear from a different perspective. I will note that I am not a jealous person when it comes to my wife, I am completely secure in our marriage and our love for each other, so there is no concerns whether or not a third party would put strain on us. Of course I would like to keep he third party as someone distant that is not involved in any of either of our daily lives.

So, now, back to the porn. I strategically chose titles which would contain scenes with a third person. But, because I am sure that my wife is straight, I chose those which specifically contain 2 men and one woman. I will not entirely rule out a woman as the third person, I will admit that I am not 100% that my wife would not enjoy that. However, when it comes to watching porn, I am sure that neither of us actually enjoys watching 2 women go at it. This we have talked about, and we both find that it would be boring to watch (I am sure it would be different in person). I will make it clear here, that if there were to be another woman, I have in no way, any actual desire to have any sexual contact, that is not my intentions. I am only interested in the pleasure of my wife. This may seem strange to some, but for me, that’s the way it is. So, if I was able to get my wife to watch some of these scenes, I figured that it would be easier to possibly bring up the subject. Possibly by asking her if she would ever try that, or something along those lines. To be perfectly honest, I do like the idea of mentioning it, but during the moment, I am not sure if I will actually be able to form the words and get them out. And if I do manage to bring it up, I am unsure if it will come out wrong or not. As I mentioned before, I am a very timid person, and to be able to being up a subject like that would be extremely difficult for me.

I will be ok with whatever her response to it may be. If she kind of likes the idea, great, I can definitely give her the time she needs to think about it, and act upon it at anytime of her choosing. I in no way want her to feel that she should do it because I want to do it. If she flat out says that something like that will never happen, I will be ok with that as well. I will not push it. I may ask at that point if we can include it in the dirty talk, but I would leave it at that.

I know that there are other ways to bring up the topic. As I have already read a lot online. The direct approach I do not think will work in my situation, mainly because I think that it would be much to blunt for her, and of course I am way too shy to do such a thing, and she knows it.

So, if there are any other options to make this initial step, which can be brought up in a gently way I would be very appreciative. I do want to bring up the subject, but I am still trying to find that ‘right’ way for her.

Sorry for the long winded post, I have had plenty of time to think about this, and have already spent a fair amount of time in researching as well, but still at a loss.

[ncmd_couple]

Herpleasure,

Welcome to the Swinger's Board! Yeap, that is a long one, and I'm headed back to read the rest, just wanted to welcome you.

S

[ncmd_couple]

Herpleasure,

We, as husbands, don't really know what our wives think, and they don't know what we think. Honesty, tell her what your fantasy is, then you two can work it out together. Trust me, for years I didn't do that for the same reasons as you, and I was wrong. I lost a lot of good times because I didn't!

S

[SW_PA_Couple]

I too welcome you to The Swingersboard.

I will make one general comment. Women generally have a greater capacity for adventure than men give them credit. I will make one direct comment. Porn is not likely to make your wife more receptive to a suggestion of this kind.

~Michael

[ViSexual]

You've certainly given this a lot of thought. And, not knowing how your wife feels about it is, seemingly, causing you a great deal of turmoil.

We can't read our spouses minds. We can't know what they fantasize about, wish for, or even think about when they masturbate or even while having sex with us.

Try suggesting a discussion 'safe' time for once a week or month. Explain that it could be a way for the two of you to end a work week, enjoy a meal together, maybe have a drink and relax..., then spend a predetermined period of time discussing things that you two might not have felt comfortable discussing, for whatever reasons, earlier.

These things could be related to finances, (maybe one of you spent some money recklessly and feel badly about it), family matters, (wanting or not wanting a pregnancy, a pet, or a new vehicle), pent up angers, (could be something that your spouse said, or did, that upset you and you've held it in), or even something you'd like to do or places you'd like to go that you haven't mentioned.

I'd guess that any spouse would, not only agree to something like this but, actually think it was a good idea.

OK, the week or month prior to the first one you'll want to make notes and be ready to innitiate the conversation. Do have a couple of peaves, but make sure they're really petty and will be more humorous than serious, have a couple of really tame desires too. But, most of all, be ready to encourage your spouse to have some topics as well.

Continue to take notes in between sessions so the sessions don't become boring and meaningless and slowly bring sexual things into each.

Now my wife and I have never had any difficulties communicating about most every thing but, like you, we've always been shy about discussing sex. And, I believe it was because of our fear that we'd say something that might shock, frighten, or disgust each other.

For us, our safe zone came after we'd known each other longer and were comfortable that nothing we could admit to could possibly be shocking, frightening, or disgusting enough to harm our relationship. LOL!

We don't talk about our desires and fantasies all the time. We, like you and a lot of couples, keep some of our thougths to ourselves. But, we do have our 'safe' way of exchanging information of this nature. For us, it's through emails. Hey, and this way our words can't be changed, exagerated, or misstated later on either! But this is what we're both more comfortable with and it sound like you and your wife would be better off having face to face..., at least in the beginning.

Well, hope I've written something that could help. And, trust me, even if your wife isn't interested at all in bringing someone else into your sex lives you'll be glad that you let her know that you wouldn't mind it at all.

My wife, at this time, isn't at all interested in having others in our sex lives. She did join me years ago so I have to believe she isn't just saying it now. But, she knows that I'd be, not only willing but, euphoric if we found someone that she was interested in exploring with again. And, it's nice for both of us that we know this about each other.

[couplers]

Hello, and welcome. There is lots of good advice here, including reserving regular time for the more difficult discussions. I need to try that.

What struck me as unusual is that you said that you have no issues in the bedroom, but you are having sex (between the two of you, that is, not masturbation) only once or twice a week. To me that is a problem, and that is where I would start. The other stuff is all great and may come in the longer-term, but twice a week seems to me to be infrequent for a cohabitating married couple.

You seem to genuinely be a loving man with your wife's happiness at heart. Do it with love and tenderness, and focus the discussion on what would be best for her and for the two of you, not "me." You have given this a lot of thought; she needs to catch up. The only point you need to insist upon is that to you, a low frequency sex life is a problem that needs to be worked out, that it can be worked out her way over time with no pressure, and it will be fun. Ask her what she would like to explore, with the only unacceptable answer being "nothing." Hold back at this point on trying to take this in any particular direction by suggesting anything specific, and just make her feel comfortable talking about her fantasies. Start with asking small questions about whether she would prefer more or less light, which position, does she enjoy you rubbing her clit while having sex, does she prefer you perform oral on her as foreplay or a wrap up.

As she opens up, be prepared to encourage whatever progress is made. If she surprises you for instance by starting a fantasy about you and her girlfriend, be receptive but don't take control of the thought even though you have given your fantasies and plans a lot of thought. For instance, if in your enthusiasm about her opening up you seem overly interested in her girlfriend she may feel threatened. Or if you take this to start talking about her and another man, it may be a total turn-off. And ultimately it may turn out that she enjoys talking about you being with another woman but actually doesn't want it to happen, while actually enjoying another man in your bed but not wanting it to be drawn out fantasy talk. The fact that your goal is to see her sexually pleased in any way possible (not insisting on only MFM or FMF or whatever) will likely lead to success.

You are almost certainly right that there is something wonderful going on in that girl's head. It's your job as her husband to lovingly coax it out. Once she opens up you two will begin a fantastic trip that will bring you closer. Just let her drive.

[Additude]

First off welcome aboard!

Now there are two things I would suggest. One you already mentioned as a course of action to persue the prospects and that is to mention it in the moment. I do think that is the best approach.

Second though, I'd like to suggest a different approach to your asking her "if she'd try that or something along those lines".

I suggest you try approaching her with the fact that you would like to see her try that. That way your not putting any pressure on her to answer your question. Your just providing her an option to respond if she so feels she prefers to.

The best way I can think of to watch a porno is to kind of get in the mood for sex, then ask if she would like to see one of the movies. Show them all to her and allow her to select the one she would like to see. If there is not one she would like then suggest you both search the net for something more suitable. But get her to watch a porno, no matter what it is to break the ice. Then later progress into something say, "more riskay".

But I have to tell you, in my mind this could go three ways for you. One is that your shy wife will just stay where she is at, in her comfort zone and you'll just have to live with it as it is and forgive the thought of it ever expanding. Two. She gives in a little and starts expanding her sexual awareness and I feel for you, it is going to be a long road to follow. Or Three. You unleash a tigress that is exposed to the wonderous fullfillment of sexual desires and turns into a sex kitten that will have you on a leash following her. (Well maybe not quite that drastic, but you get my point).

Are you ready to subscribe to any one of those three? No matter which it is?

Good Luck.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by couplers

What struck me as unusual is that you said that you have no issues in the bedroom, but you are having sex (between the two of you, that is, not masturbation) only once or twice a week. To me that is a problem, and that is where I would start. The other stuff is all great and may come in the longer-term, but twice a week seems to me to be infrequent for a cohabitating married couple.

There is no universal rule for frequency because there is great variation in the intensity of sex drive between people. Where you need/want sex far more frequently, others drive may have them completely satisfied with once or twice a week. The important part is whether the couple is happy with the frequency of sex. If they both have a similar sex drive then this might not be a problem. I know personally I am happy with a couple of times a week. I can, and sometimes do, have sex more than that, but generally I don't need/want it more than a couple of times a week. It comes and goes through periods, sometimes I want it more, sometimes less.

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

We, as husbands, don't really know what our wives think, and they don't know what we think. Honesty, tell her what your fantasy is, then you two can work it out together. Trust me, for years I didn't do that for the same reasons as you, and I was wrong. I lost a lot of good times because I didn't!

I will definitely tell her a some point for sure, I am (as of last night) slowly pushing the boundaries to help ease myself in getting up to the preferred topic.

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

I will make one direct comment. Porn is not likely to make your wife more receptive to a suggestion of this kind.

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely take that into consideration. I am sure that porn isn't the best idea, just happened to be all that I could come up with at the time.

[Newpants]

You sound a lot like us and your thoughts were very similar to my own before we started talking about it. I too assumed that my wife would be horrified and think the worst when the idea was first brought up but as has already been mentioned, deep down women are more sexual and adventurous than they are given credit for. They are also not as delicate and fragile as is often assumed. Women have long been conditioned to "appear" to be shocked and horrified at the mention of unconventional sex but if you take a look around it is not just gay males that have a complete corner on the adventurousness market

We went the porn route but it did not turn her on so much that she wanted to run out and bring others into our bedroom. What it did do though was it gave us a platform for which we could talk about how we felt about topics like swinging and bring others into our bed.

Assume she will say that she is not interested in bringing in others and assume that she will say that she is satisfied with your current sexlife and has no need to have sex with others. As I said, women are conditioned to think and to say that even if deep down they do find the idea enticing.

What worked for us was discussing everything, not in terms of having sex with others, but rather discussing everything in terms of our own relationship and how having others add a higher degree of pleasure of and excitement into our own sex life.

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by ViSexual

Try suggesting a discussion 'safe' time for once a week or month. Explain that it could be a way for the two of you to end a work week, enjoy a meal together, maybe have a drink and relax..., then spend a predetermined period of time discussing things that you two might not have felt comfortable discussing, for whatever reasons, earlier.

That is some great advice. Since we are very open with communication already in every other aspect, this may very well be a great way to introduce different ideas.
I do thank you very much for your reply, I will keep it all in mind for sure. I may possible try to implement that this evening (of course maybe plan it to be a day for next week and not happen immediately, I can be patient)

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by couplers

What struck me as unusual is that you said that you have no issues in the bedroom, but you are having sex (between the two of you, that is, not masturbation) only once or twice a week. To me that is a problem, and that is where I would start. The other stuff is all great and may come in the longer-term, but twice a week seems to me to be infrequent for a cohabitating married couple.

I really do not see the frequency as a problem in any way. We tend to do the best that we can for our time frames. We both have very busy days and kids, so we fit it in whenever possible.
I should mention that is on average once or twice a week, some weeks its every day, other weeks its at least once. Our longest interval so far is 8 days and that was only because she had to visit sick family in the states for 8 days.

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by Newpants

We went the porn route but it did not turn her on so much that she wanted to run out and bring others into our bedroom. What it did do though was it gave us a platform for which we could talk about how we felt about topics like swinging and bring others into our bed.

I did not intend for the porn portion of my original post to seem that it was intended at all to turn her on and run out for a third person. I was just thinking that it could be an icebreaker since its up on the screen, and I could gauge reactions from what she is watching.
We both chose all the porn titles together, so I know she is at least interested in watching them with me at some point.

Originally Posted by Newpants

Assume she will say that she is not interested in bringing in others and assume that she will say that she is satisfied with your current sexlife and has no need to have sex with others. As I said, women are conditioned to think and to say that even if deep down they do find the idea enticing.

I am honestly ok with whatever her reaction may be, except anger. But, I will prepare myself for that reaction as well just in case.

When I do tell her, whether her reaction is for it or against it, I will know, for myself that I was able to bring up the topic even though it was very uncomfortable for me to bring up. I will know that she know what my fantasy is, and honestly, that is all that I can hope for out of this. If she is wanting to pursue anything beyond that, great, but for me, it has to be her decision to move forward, not mine.

I do thank you for your post, it really did make me feel a lot better and not as extremely paranoid about the topic. Its helping me get that one step closer to actually talking about it.

[herPleasure]

Originally Posted by Additude

But I have to tell you, in my mind this could go three ways for you. One is that your shy wife will just stay where she is at, in her comfort zone and you'll just have to live with it as it is and forgive the thought of it ever expanding. Two. She gives in a little and starts expanding her sexual awareness and I feel for you, it is going to be a long road to follow. Or Three. You unleash a tigress that is exposed to the wonderous fullfillment of sexual desires and turns into a sex kitten that will have you on a leash following her. (Well maybe not quite that drastic, but you get my point).

I definitely agree that those are the three possible reactions out of this. I will be ok with any of them. If she chooses no or yes, that will be completely fine with me, and if she ends up unleashing her inner sex kitten, that would be ok as well. I see it as no matter what she decides and what happens, its her choice and it she will do, and continue to do what makes her happy, and if something makes her happy, Im happy. Does that make sense?