Questions I have had, about cheating

[tattooedudeks]

Let me start off by saying I am a married straight guy, who has no intentions of having a regular swinging relationship with my wife. Not only would she object to the idea, I just couldn't share her in that way.
With that being said, I am selfish not only in not wanting to share her, but I am selfish because I cannot seem to stay faithful to my wife. I have cheated on every person I have ever been involved with, and its something I cannot seem to stop doing. Often times I think it might be genetic, because I have learned it stems from my grandfather, and suspicions of his father cheating as well.

Here is a little background on a swinging experience I had, to see where my train of thought is now. I was in Las Vegas with 3 friends for a convention 2 years ago. The first night there, one of my friends and I hung out at the bar in the hotel drinking. We met a couple from Oklahoma and really hit it off. We were buying them drinks, they were buying us drinks, and after a while the female asked me what I was into. I hesitantly asked "what do you mean?", and she replied "as in drugs, do you like them or do them?". I opened up and said yeah, I experiement but don't make it a habit or do it often. I explained that the Vegas trip is something I had planned on letting loose for, and I did come prepared.
She told me to go back to her room because they had some cocaine. I went back to the room with the male, and up there he asked me what I thought of his girlfriend. I said she is very sexy and he is a lucky guy. He then asked if I would be interested in having sex with her. He explained it would be nothing gay, he and I wouldn't touch, but we would both make love to her. I of coarse jumped on the idea. So long story short, the couple from Oklahoma and myself topped the night off with some great sex in their room. Being in Vegas, and having so many options I never did get to do it again which I really wanted to, but just never found the time to get back with them. They did call me several times trying to cordinate another meeting, but we could never make it work.
Ever since then, I have thought about that night almost everyday replaying it all in my mind. I know it was a 1 in a million chance it happened, but would really like to relive that experience. I consider myself a good person, but have always dreamed about having sex in groups. Like MMF or every man's dream FFM, or even a lot of males with 1 female. I am straight, and have never even had any curiosity to be with another male. Like I said above, I would never want to have my wife find out about my past experience, or know of anything I do outside of our marriage.
Does that make me just a cheating asshole? I have tried to be a good husband, but I always end up searching for something on the side. In my mind, searching for swingers might be the way to go now. Someone that I can trust to keep my secret, because my wife doesn't know that I have ever cheated on her. In my mind, swingers are probably safer about sex then most 1 night stands I would find.
My final question is, is searching for another couple to have more or less regular play times with a waste of time for me? I know that most couples, would like to have another couple to have fun with, instead of just 1 guy.
Maybe none of this makes sense, but I am trying to figure out what direction I need to go, to both settle my urges, and keep my marriage intact. Thanks in advance for all your help.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by tattooedudeks

Does that make me just a cheating asshole?

In my opinion...yes it does.

Swinging is NOT cheating. Swinging is about being open, honest and trust worthy...none of which are traits you displayed when you went behind your wife's back and had sex without her knowledge and/or permission.

As a cheating husband looking to find a couple to have regular sex dates with, you're going to find it very hard to do with swingers. The majority of swingers value the fact that they are honest with their spouse/SO about their fantasies and desires. Being involved with someone who does not share these values isn't something a lot of swingers are willing to do. There are those who just don't and won't care that you're married but, not very many.

You are doing your wife a grave disservice. Not only are you cheating on her but I'm guessing you haven't even given her the chance to decide for herself if swinging might be something she herself would be interested in...then again, from your post, you did say you couldn't share her so I suppose giving her a choice on sharing you is a moot point.

Cheating is NOT genetic...everyone has the power to practice integrity at the moment of choice.

IMO, the direction you need to go is one in which you work on your marriage and one in which you show you wife a little respect.


Teresa

[bbarnsworth]

I think what you have is a currently untenable (but not unchangeable) situation for yourself.

Let me start off by saying that most swinger couples (not all by any means, but most) will not choose to swing with a male who is cheating on his spouse. I know for us personally, I encourage my wife to have sex with as many men as she wants as often as she wants, but she and I are 100% agreed that married men playing without permission are absolutely persona non grata. Not going to happen. Why? It's a drama bomb waiting to go off. We might be able to play with you once without being 'discovered'. Maybe even 20 times. But eventually, your wife would find out. When that happens, we'd be caught up in the storm that would happen. There are PLENTY of single men out there who are NOT cheating for my wife to choose from. We and she does not need the potential drama. What she wants is a pleasant sex partner. She doesn't have to play with cheating males to get that.

Second, swinging isn't an answer to your problems whether it's in the form of you cheating on your wife or in the form of (unacceptable to you) both of you swinging. It is obvious from what you have communicated so far that you are not 100% open and honest with your wife. Swinging is far more successful when spouses are very open and communicative with each other. You don't have that. I feel sad for you that you don't.

Third, are you the master of your urges or are the urges your master? Are you just an animal that smells a female in heat and can not resist the urge to try to mount her? I am absolutely certain you are better than that. Take responsibility for yourself, stop cheating on your wife, and start moving forward in positive directions. You might wish to consider counseling from a professional. It's no crime to get counseling.

If you continue to cheat, your wife will eventually find out. When she does, all hell will break loose. If you want to keep your marriage intact, you can start by not cheating.

I am not criticizing you; please don't take this that way. I am saying that your currently chosen path is a guaranteed failure, and playing with swingers isn't going to make it any less susceptible to failure, even if you do find swingers willing to play with you.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by TNT

Cheating is NOT genetic...everyone has the power to practice integrity at the moment of choice.

I'm going to piggy back on this a bit. Claiming genetic inclination to cheating, and therefore can't help yourself is nothing more than an excuse.

Even if cheating IS 100% genetic, it's still an excuse, and yes you're still being an asshole if for no other reason than you didn't tell your wife to be that you have a genetic condition that predisposes you to cheating.

[xxxboxy]

Yep, just another cheating asshole. Hopefully she wises up and dumps your ass before too long, you frankly don't deserve the love and respect of a partner.

[little firefly]

If you're looking for something on the side with people who are true swingers then you won't get anywhere. I myself am not a swinger although my fiance is and if there is one thing I've learned about those in the lifestyle it's that they won't go anywhere near a cheating spouse.

[little firefly]

Originally Posted by xxxboxy

Yep, just another cheating asshole. Hopefully she wises up and dumps your ass before too long, you frankly don't deserve the love and respect of a partner.

[fun4Ds]

All I can say is how sorry I feel for you. It must really suck, on the inside.

If not, It will eventually.....


b

[Edison Carter]

Okay, you need a therapist. Go get a good one. You cannot work this out on your own. Get a secular, psychological therapist that can deal with sexual and interpersonal issues.

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by tattooedudeks

but I am trying to figure out what direction I need to go, to both settle my urges, and keep my marriage intact. Thanks in advance for all your help.

Your marriage is intact? Define "intact". Sure doesn't sound like it to me.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by tattooedudeks

Does that make me just a cheating asshole? In my mind, searching for swingers might be the way to go now. In my mind, swingers are probably safer about sex then most 1 night stands I would find.
My final question is, is searching for another couple to have more or less regular play times with a waste of time for me?

answers/comments: Yes, although moreso you are childish. Swingers are not the way for you to go. then= indicates time, than=comparison. Yes, a total waste of time; please don't help to further the public notion that swinging is full of discontented, demoralized people.

[Alura]

Did you lie to the couple from Oklahoma, too? Perhaps you just forgot to tell them you were married? Do you lie to everyone or just the ones you want to have sex with and, of course, your wife?

I think your problem has more to do with having no morals to keep you from lying than with cheating.

Mr. Alura

[LFM2]

I fully agree with everything everyone else said.

Wow Mister, you have some stones to come in here and talk about cheating on your wife and then ask if you're an asshole?

Ummm... another thing. I don't think I'd be searching for swingers to play with.

[curiousagain]

Originally Posted by tattooedudeks

I just couldn't share her in that way.

Since everything else has been covered pretty well. I just felt I had to address this. That is one of the main things that separates swingers from the rest of the population. I have heard non swinging friends and associates talk about people they knew that had been outed as swingers and without exception, they had a similar attitude. They cheat on their wives but would freak out if they thought their wife was doing the same, and they can imagine having sex with a woman in front off her husband but just can't begin to think about seeing their wife have sex with another person. I don't know if it's an inferiority complex, juvenile jealousy, "traditional" thinking, whatthehellever, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

We're guys, we're visual, we're voyuers, unless you have a hang up (and I know most people do for a variety of reasons) it is a turn on to see your wife/girlfriend enjoying herself. You think you've had the ultimate blowjob? Wait till your girlfriend/wife gives you one while she's being penetrated from behind. You want to have non stop sex for 2 weeks? The week before and after a playdate can be a bit exhausting, due to anticipation and the "after effect".

You're not wanting to swing, you just want sex on the side. I don't know where you live or what you look like, but the average single guy now days that has anything on the ball doesn't have a problem finding sex. Oh yeah, single women might not want to just be a side thing. Just set aside some discretionary funds and pay for a prostitute. They don't get paid for sex, they get paid to go away and keep their mouth shut and I think that is what you need, not swingers to involve in any drama/courts/shootings/etc.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by tattooedudeks

Here is a little background on a swinging experience

First off, get something straight. That was not a "swinging experience". That was you cheating on your wife.

In Swinging, EVERYONE involved is open and honest with EVERYONE involved. Your wife was involved, you just did not inform her of that. YOU CHEATED on your wife, you did not have a "swinging experience".

Does that make me just a cheating asshole?

You already know the answer to that question. YES.

Time for you to find a new hobby and try to be honest with your wife. Let her find someone that has enough respect for her to spend the rest of her life with. You don't care who you hurt, you just don't want to be found out. Wrong answer.

Cheaters give swingers a really bad name because others think like you do, that cheating is swinging.