We are starting today, requesting advice

[AandP]

Greetings,
I am the male half of a happy couple married for 25 years. Lately, we have been sharing a fantasy about bringing other people into our sex life. Today, we are taking a small (but giant) step towards making this a reality.

She has been fantasizing about a guy she knows who she sees about once every couple of weeks at a part time job. We have been using her fantasy to enhance our own fun in the bedroom. We like making up stories with one another about her being with this guy, either alone or together with me.

Today, we are taking a step to making this happen for real. She is at the job today, and she will be seeing this guy. She always gets a hug and a kiss on the cheek from him. Our stories always start with her giving him a real passionate kiss instead, and it goes from there.

Last night, we were talking about her going to the job the next day and she asked me if she could kiss him for real. We have been talking about this for a while now (several months), but this was the first time she actually asked me if she could. I decided to see what might really happen, so I told her yes.

We made some ground rules like that she cannot do more than kiss him without permission from me, and that we must always tell each other everything that happened. She also asked for permission to give the guy her phone number and I said ok. I also told her that if she had the chance, she should find a way to play with herself while there. It is a very public place, so this may or may not happen, but she said she might try that too.

Some other things we talked about last night included other women for me, if she was at all bi-curious (she admitted she was a little, emphasis on curious), and about couple swapping. Up to this point, we had not talked about anyone other than this one guy, so it really opened up a lot for us. She is a little fixated on this guy right now, but she said there were other possibilities in the future too.

Well, she is there right now and I will not get to speak with her about it until later tonight. If she is going to actually do it, she probably already has done it. I sit here, writing this, and I am hoping she did do it. Now, all I can do is wait for her to come home and see how we both feel and talk about what may happen next.

So here I am, waiting for her to let me know what happened. I am excited, I am nervous, and my stomach is doing flip-flops. We joined this board about a week ago and this is our first post. Since we seem to be taking new steps in our sexual relationship, I wanted to ask for advice and make sure we do this "right".

Ok, so we have a ton of questions about this. What should we be doing before we take this to another level? What rules should we be discussing before we continue? There is so much we don't know about this lifestyle and we know we could not have thought of everything we should have.

I am not sure I am comfortable with her being alone with this guy. I would prefer to be a part of the event, but her fantasy often includes her being alone with him. I do like the idea of being alone with other women, and I feel guilty about being selfish about this. I am not sure what questions I have around this except, so any advice on this matter would be helpful.

Another question we have is about finding other couples. Last night, we talked about it some and we have no clue what to do next. We are both in our mid 40s, a little overweight (more me than her), and live in the Denver area. I signed up on Swing Lifestyle but my initial reaction is that there is a lot to be careful of when looking for compatible couples. We are both business people in our community and want to be discreet.

We are both obviously excited about what could happen next. This board seems really inviting and friendly, so we are really looking forward to seeing what you have to say.

[BiloxiCouple]

Lots of stuff going on here.

Slow down, relax and enjoy. You have a lifetime to enjoy it and learn.

[ncmd_couple]

AandP,

Welcome to the Swinger's Board!

There are some good things that you two are doing, your talking, and in this particular case, she has picked the other man. As this your first experience, it should be a MFM. It will increase the comfort level of both of you. Also, you need to make sure that as you move forward, that she is honest with the other guy that it will be an MFM.

The down side of this, is he a co-worker of hers or just someone that goes to her place of work? If he is a co-worker, there could be major problems and she may very well lose that job because of it, and he might also. Is it worth the price?

Have you ever met him? Have you had any interaction with him?

As BiloxiCouple said, take a deep breath....

S

[AandP]

Well, let me catch you up on where we are here. Last Sunday didn't happen as planned. In fact, it didn't happen at all. She only saw the guy for about a minute all day, and from across a crowded room. I was actually disappointed by the result and we immediately began making plans for the next chance we would have.

The next chance is actually tomorrow, on Thanksgiving. She will be working again, and he should be too. We both decided that she needs to be very bold about making this happen since the last time was such a bust. She is going to seek him out and use every chance she finds to get him alone.

Further, other discussions have started or continued too. What about a lady for me? Do I have someone in mind (yes, 2 actually)? What if he wants to proceed right away with her? Can she be alone with him (this one comes up a lot)?

So I looked at the advice from BiloxiCouple...

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Slow down, relax and enjoy. You have a lifetime to enjoy it and learn.

Great advice, and thank you. It's happening pretty fast, and we want to make it a great experience for both of us. We are both feeling very comfortable so far, but so far, all it is is talk and being together. How do you know you are ready to take new steps?

Also,

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

The down side of this, is he a co-worker of hers or just someone that goes to her place of work? If he is a co-worker, there could be major problems and she may very well lose that job because of it, and he might also. Is it worth the price?

Thanks for responding and asking about this. It's is not an issue that she sees him at this job. It's a part time job, more of a hobby really, and they don't work together. They do not even work for the same company. And she has a career apart from this P/T job. But I can see the pitfall that might happen in a situation like this one, so thanks for looking out for us.

I invite other experienced people to share and advice too. We really think this will be a grand and exciting thing to add to our relationship, but we want to do it well. Thanks.

A

[ViSexual]

Do keep in mind that this guy might be OK with being with your wife but not OK with being involved in a 'swinging' type of relationship. Have her ease into that aspect as soon as the kissing escalates from 'friendship' to intimate.

I'd suggest her making the real kiss seem spontaneous and then her explaining, briefly, right afterwards. Something like, "Oh, sorry, my husband warned me that might happen."

That would open the door for her to admit that she's been attracted to him but that she's shared it with her husband.

[socolais]

You guys appear to be getting a lot of excitement from this fantasy - and that's a really cool place to be. Savor the moments because it doesn't get any better than this. The details change and new fantasies become possibilities, then they become history. There's plenty of excitement and closeness all along the way.

As you're enjoying the excitement of this one guy in your sights, also think about the larger picture. Imagine yourselves a year or two from now - what do you want to be doing and what do you expect to gain from it?

We were in your shoes once, we found two experienced couples and had a few long talks with them. Nothing beats a face-to-face conversation where we described our fantasies and they shared their experiences. We found a nice group of respectful folks that host monthly house parties. There's something special about repeating parties where people's reputation is based on their party behavior and respect for others. It's an environment where we enjoy the security of friends looking out for the best interest of each other and NOT just looking for a quick fuck and never be seen again. I know if my wife needs help for any reason, anyone nearby will gladly do what needs to be done and then come get me. That peace of mind lets me really get into the experience with the lady I happen to be with and not need to worry about my wife's safety.

Just like swinging is not for everyone, house parties are not for everyone. An experienced couple will be better able to guide you based on your dreams and local resources.

[DigginIt]

Not to bring in a little rain in your fun but I would ask to keep in mind if the guy is married to reconsider your plans. Knowing that Thanksgiving is already over, it may be too late.

Having said that one point above, I'll echo that you have already taken the single most important step and that is actually 'talking' about your ideas/fantasies.

As far as SwingLifeStyle, there are many sites out there but we use this one as well. Just make sure you stick to the rules. Don't send your pictures out of the site, be careful about giving away your personal information until your ready, common sense stuff. There are always going to be a lot of single guys who like to pose as actual couples and you will have to weed through them. Just keep looking and you will find everything you are looking for and more.

It's easy to get excited but like everyone has said, relax, slow down and make good decision. People often jump at chances and regret it later because they are afraid to let an opportunity pass. Never settle or take one for the team. Make sure you two are both attracted. There will always be a little give and take but there are plenty of people that will find you attractive if you are patient.

Next, use this lifestyle as fuel to work out and make yourself more attractive. I don't believe in being superficial but this is like dating in the fact that you will be judged initially on appearance. It's just a fact. My wife and I have really enjoyed the change in our appearance and while the lifestyle gave us the kick, the results have kept us going.

Let us know how things turn out and we wish you the best.

[realcplub2]

First off, Let me offer you a Hello and Welcome

Now, if you do a simple search on this site, you will see tons of questions from folks just like you , trying to figure out how to get started, how to approach, and seduce you first extra curricular playmates..

Its completely normal when thinking or fantasizing about adding new playmates, its often people we see.. at work, at social events, at the grocery store, the car wash.. we either know them casually, or socially.. but the fact that its not a faceless stranger is the whole point.. in the realm of fantasy, great... they can go from being the gas station attendant to John Holmes, or the check out girl, to Jenna Jamison, in the hot bed of our minds..

But, lets be clear, if people ACTUALLY did what we IMAGINE they will everytime.. we would be living in a real fantasy world.. a little thing called reality intrudes rather quickly.. Not to rain on your parade.. but as was pointed out above, you have no idea if this guy is:

Married or in a commited relationship..
Open to the idea of being included in either an affair or a 3some
His health status..

There are so many variables that can happen, you should be prepared for at least one or two to occur.

Now, as I said, if you search the site, for people asking the same question, the same advice is usually offered.. instead of choosing the familar faces, find a new one, exclusive to your participation in this.. it limits the possiblity of being outted or having a freindship end because of the transformation into an intimate one.

In any case, best of luck to you both

[JustAskJulie]

Any updates following Thanksgiving?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by AandP

We are both feeling very comfortable so far, but so far, all it is is talk and being together. How do you know you are ready to take new steps?

This very subject came up with my wife and before we started swinging, but had talked about it a great deal. There's somethings you just can not answer until you actually do it. The best you can do is answer all the questions you can think of that can be answered before doing it.

My wife and I got to that point; we'd talked and talked and talked. We'd thought of a bazillion questions. All of them had been answered, and all in ways that did not go against the idea of swinging (and many strongly in favor). From that point, we decided to move to actually trying swinging.

Originally Posted by ViSexual

Do keep in mind that this guy might be OK with being with your wife but not OK with being involved in a 'swinging' type of relationship. Have her ease into that aspect as soon as the kissing escalates from 'friendship' to intimate.

AandP, I want to emphasize what ViSexual said here, which is spot on. There's plenty of men who are willing to have an affair with a woman who is a married, but will freak out if they find out that the husband knows everything, and is happy for his wife to have other sex partners. Further, if you have ideas of him being involved in a threesome, don't count on it. Plenty of guys are freaked out about the idea of sporting a spiffy (and using it!) in front of another guy, even if they never even accidentally touch the other guy.

Men are weird. And I'm one of them.

[quietlykinky]

Originally Posted by ViSexual

Do keep in mind that this guy might be OK with being with your wife but not OK with being involved in a 'swinging' type of relationship.

When we first started out we decided to turn to an old fuck-buddy of hers for our first MFM. She trusted him, was comfortable with him and I trusted her judgement. We knew that he very much wanted to have sex with her again but when she brought up the possibility of a hetero three way he suddenly got very uncomfortable and declined.

For us, swinging is for both of us to share and enjoy together so we do not play separately at all, not even separate rooms. However I know nothing of your relationship so that view of the lifestyle may not apply at all to you. Regardless, I would suggest that your first experience be an MFM at least, for many reasons. Naturally you want her to live out her fantasy the way she wants it but you can always do that after your first experience together. Heck, an MFM could be a good way to "screen" the guy to see if you are comfortable with him having sex with your wife when you're not around. Again though, it can be difficult to find men that are ok with this.

Our initial fantasy was an MFM but it has never happened. After things with the friend didn't come together we tried AFF, yahoo, craigslist and some other things but never did find any one that fit the bill. So we turned to couples instead and have managed to fulfill bits and pieces of her fantasy to have two men and mine to see her with another man. Having the second female there turned out to be an added bonus.

[AandP]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Any updates following Thanksgiving?

Well, time sure has gotten away from us. It has been a couple of weeks since last we posted, and a lot has happened since then. The short answer to Julie's question is, Yes, there are updates.

We will catch you up quickly and then we have new and exciting questions. First, nothing happened on Thanksgiving. P never got close enough to the other guy (David) to start anything on Thanksgiving, and it will not be until Dec 20th before she works there again. More on this guy later...

Seeing that P was not going to get a chance for a while, she asked me (A) to set something up for myself with another woman to see how that went. I had already been talking with someone about our fantasies and so approaching her was easy. We planned to meet the week after Thanksgiving at a hotel for a few hours. It was a complete eye opener for both of us and the results have been amazing.

For me (A), I was able to be reminded that I could satisfy a woman sexually. I really had become disconnected with myself as a sexual being, and after so many years of just going through the motions, it was great to re-discover myself. I also was able to get very clear who P is for me, and discovered just how lucky a man I am to have P as my partner. I did not know how talented she is in some areas sexually since I had nothing to compare her to.

For P, she was out that night and she got home after I did. Her first reaction was one of anger and jealousy. She was mostly mad at herself for allowing it to happen. What happened next was about 4 hours of discussion about our relationship, what we wanted going forward, what we wanted out of the possibility of swinging, and what both my and her fantasies were really all about.

She revealed to me that she was looking for more than just a sexual experience. She had come to the conclusion that we were not a romantic couple any more, and she was looking for a replacement for me to regain a spark that was missing for her. I was also looking for a spark, but she was really looking for someone else to be romantic with. At this point, I became convinced that we may have been breaking up right then and there.

I told her that I wanted the spark back too, but that I wanted to explore swinging as a way for us to enjoy each other more. I did not want to replace her, which she had assumed was what I was wanted too. I explained that her possible affair with David would not work for me since what she really wanted with him would not only not work for her (or him), but be devastating to our relationship as well. Something shifted for both of us at this point.

I will let her post her own comments in a separate thread about what she felt at this point, but what happened was that we actually became romantic and connected again. It started feeling like we were 25-30 years ago, when we first met and got married. What an interesting result we got out of this.

Now, timing is everything, and I actually was scheduled out of town the next evening for 2 days of training. In retrospect, it was perfect timing. I went out of town, and she stayed home to “process”. That night, I started getting messages on my phone from her. These messages had pictures attached of her in very sexy lingerie. Further, we had phone sex for our first time in over two decades. The next day, she went out and bought more naughty apparel and sent more pictures the next night, along with more phone sex. When I came home, she picked me up at the airport wearing some of her new attire under her coat. This is not the same lady I have been married to all this time. This had never happened, even when we were dating. Quite frankly, our first “lifestyle” experience was better than I could have hoped it would be, and we are so much more secure and connected because of it.

During these last two weeks, we have had romantic dates including massage, dinners, and even a helicopter ride at night. She is sharing her fantasies more openly and they are far more sexual that she was willing to admit to me before. She actually started to approach the lifestyle with the same thoughts that I have been. That it could be fun for us to share these experiences, that we could enjoy sex with others for fun without romantic involvement, and that we could actually enjoy our relationship at a deeper level than ever before. We both are still unsure about what will happen, but we are going into it as a solid, secure couple.

If you hung with this very long post up to this point, thank you. We have questions for those of you who would like to continue to assist us. First and foremost, what next? How do we proceed at this point? We are a lot clearer on what might be available and our eyes are open a lot wider now. Further, both of us seem to be aligned now.

We have made contact with another couple in our area we met off of Swing Lifestyle. We plan to meet them next week for dinner, just to get questions answered and see what might happen. We plan only dinner at this point, and don’t think we will go beyond that. However, we want to be prepared, so what have we not thought of? What should we bring to dinner?

Also, P is still interested in this David guy, but in a much more sexual way. I am not sure it is a good idea that they meet since the feelings may still be there. However, I do feel that I owe her one since I had my experience with someone else already. Advice, please?

Finally, are there others of you out there who have experienced this new level of closeness? We know each situation is unique, but we would love to hear about your experiences.

One last thought, we are grateful that this board exists. It has given us an outlet for asking questions, and a place to post our feelings and experiences in a safe environment. Thank you for that.

A and P

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by AandP

At this point, I became convinced that we may have been breaking up right then and there. ... ...Something shifted for both of us at this point. ... ... During these last two weeks...

It is wonderful that the two of you have managed to reinvigorate your relationship! I couldn't be happier for you! It sounds like you really managed to work things out, and you're back 'in love' with each other, not just loving each other.

Two weeks does not a fix make though. If my wife and I were the other couple for you, we wouldn't be interested in playing with you. Socialize? Sure. Play? No. I see too many potential drama bombs going off.

You still have a great deal of work to do. You can't take two weeks and fix everything in a fell swoop. It doesn't work that way.

Originally Posted by AandP

Also, P is still interested in this David guy, but in a much more sexual way. I am not sure it is a good idea that they meet since the feelings may still be there. However, I do feel that I owe her one since I had my experience with someone else already. Advice, please?

Forget about David. Some might say that's not fair, since you got to play but she didn't. So what? What is incredibly more important, by several orders of magnitude, is the relationship you have with your wife. THAT is fair. You're not ready to swing right now. Any feeling that you "owe one" to your wife is bad, bad news. It's not tit for tat, and you should never ever feel compelled to agree to your wife playing or she you, most especially if it's taking one for the team, so to speak.

I don't think you're not capable of being swingers period. Please don't take this that way. I'm just saying that right now, at this moment, at this point...you're not ready.

Originally Posted by AandP

Finally, are there others of you out there who have experienced this new level of closeness? We know each situation is unique, but we would love to hear about your experiences.

Swinging tends to have a very euphoric period before play time and especially after play time. It can last a few hours or weeks. Swinging can bring about even deeper closeness where closeness already existed. It sounds like you found that.

Originally Posted by AandP

One last thought, we are grateful that this board exists. It has given us an outlet for asking questions, and a place to post our feelings and experiences in a safe environment. Thank you for that.

In my opinion, it's one of the top five forums I've ever been on, and I've been on the net and its precursors for 20 years.

[socolais]

Welcome to the dark side We all enjoy that indescribable closeness - it just keeps getting better.

I'd recommend several other encounters before she gets with David, just to make sure she has her head swung on straight. No need making this any more difficult than it is already.

[spicylife42]

I am a newby too but my first advise would be if you proceed at this point to do it together! Share the wonderful experience! You will know at some point later if it is time to play separately.