A few unique questions ...

[WhatisTruth]

A few questions:

Some background information: My wife and I are young (23), have been married for 2 years, and in a relationship for 5. We both are sex-positive advocates and are forward about it in appropriate contexts. We have been looking at the lifestyle for about a year, but are holding off for several reasons.

First, about 7 years ago my wife was raped, and she repressed it and kept it hidden from everybody. When we met, (me being a psychology major) I noticed several things that indicated she would need counseling. Through counselling and the growing intimacy of our relationship we figured out alot about how this traumatic event affected her. For starters, she severly struggled being sexual with people she cares about. This goes through seasons and sometimes we may be sexual a couple times a week, and others it might be a couple times in six months. However, she is completely ok with strangers, because she can emotionally disconnect from them.

Question 1: Considering her background, would swinging be a viable option for us.

Question 2: During her "valley" seasons, would it be a good or bad idea for me to swing alone (she is the one who suggest this and thinks its a great idea)

Question 3: Considering our age, her background, and the seasonal things, how difficult would number 2 be for me to find partner(s)?

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

[socolais]

Welcome to the board.

I guess on some level. every question around here is unique because they represent the concerns of unique individuals. You know we can't address the appropriateness of swinging for yall - you have to have your own buy-in. For me, swinging is a fun way to get a dopamine rush. The opportunity to engage a novel sexual partner contributes that fun honeymoon feeling to counteract habituation with my wife. There are other ways to invoke the brain chemicals. What would you like swinging to accomplish for you?

Finding a compatible swinging partner is rarely easy. It depends on local resources and your approach. I believe the conditions you describe are less than ideal unless your wife is willing to accompany you on your encounters to satisfy their concerns about her condoning your activities.

[Additude]

Welcome.

So, to each their own.

I know of rape and molestation people that lead either normal sexual lives or even some who consider that it gave then an over active sexual life.

What I mean is that she needs to resolve the conflicts in her mind over the trauma first. But she has to want to. I'm no Dr. so my advice comes in a bubble gum wrapper, but part of what I do to overcome my fears is to confront them.

Maybe she needs to spend some time with a licensed therapist, someone who can get her wheels back on the track of life. For all that you want to help her, unfortunately you’re not the one that can.

You guys are young; you have plenty of life in front of you. This is your opportunity to correct the anomalies in your lives now so you can live love together for the rest of your lives.

I suggest not swinging or swinging on a very limited basis. In this situation I do not suggest you swing solo. Swinging solo on your part will only reinforce her fears and compound her depressions.

She could be out of this shell in several sessions with a therapist. After that you can have the freedoms to make the choices you want.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by WhatisTruth

Question 1: Considering her background, would swinging be a viable option for us.

Question 2: During her "valley" seasons, would it be a good or bad idea for me to swing alone (she is the one who suggest this and thinks its a great idea)

Question 3: Considering our age, her background, and the seasonal things, how difficult would number 2 be for me to find partner(s)?

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

First off, Glad you are here.

Those are some tough questions, but here's some random thoughts, just take them for what they are worth.

#1. Only you two can truly answer that question. Everyone carries their own life experiences with them into swinging, whether that is a repressed background, prior sexual experiences, etc. It's part of who you are, and you can't totally change it. It not really a direct answer to your question, and it gets said a lot around here because it's key advice, but if you do decide to try, just take baby steps and ease into it going at the pace of the slowest person. Got to a club, and just plan on having a fun night together, nothing else. Talk about that, and if it was something you both enjoyed, then go back, again with no expectations. Just see how that goes and pretty soon you will know the answer that is best for you. Also, although swinging seems to be attracting the younger crowd too nowadays, it's always red flag when I see a younger couple who's relationship is relatively new too. It's always dangerous to project yourself onto someone else but I know that we would definitely not have been ready ourselves at the point you two are at.

2#. Again, only you two can decide, but be very careful here. Even many experienced swingers aren't comfortable with the playing alone scenario, and starting off that way is like strapping on snow skis for the first time and going right past the bunny slope to the black diamond. It may be great fun at the very first, but before you know it is totally out of control and not headed in a good direction. The fact that she suggested it makes it a little more viable option, but extreme care is still needed.

3#. Single men have a rough time in the lifestyle, not impossible, but not easy. You will have to work 10X as hard as you would as a couple, and your age isn't going to help either. Many people who are looking for single males want someone who is experienced, and by that I mean someone who knows what it is all about and aren't looking to just get laid. Being a couple but playing alone confounds things too since it is a unique scenario - even if she is totally ok with it, try to lie about it to avoid having to explain your situation every time, and you'll get sniffed out immediately and game over. The cheating husband wanting to play as a "single male" is common and most swingers want nothing to do with them. Like everything, swinging has it's own subculture and lingo, and if you don't know it, you'll get pegged almost immediately like most do. If you go this route, to avoid what I just described, in most cases she will have to be involved in setting things up.

Sorry to be so negative, but that's just how I see things for you. All of that wasn't meant to say the answer is absolutely not, but just pointing out that you are going to be paddling upstream - difficult but not impossible.

Good luck.

[WhatisTruth]

Thanks for the sound advice so far. It's much appreciates

Just to clear one thing up real quick, once I noticed her need for professional help, she sought it out. She has been going to therapy for a couple years now actually. Since we moved recently, she hasn't found a new therapist, but it is on the list of things to do...

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by WhatisTruth

She has been going to therapy for a couple years now actually. Since we moved recently, she hasn't found a new therapist, but it is on the list of things to do...

Honestly if it was me, that would be on the TOP of my list and thinking about Swinging would be on the bottom of it for now after reading the things you posted.

I would go with her and bring up the very same questions you posted here to her new therapist. Both of you, not just her.

You are dealing with some very serious subject matter. I would not use the Internet as the new therapist on this one. NO ONE here can honestly answer the questions you have asked.

Good luck to you both.

[WhatisTruth]

Where I live, finding a female therapist (wife's request) who would be ok with swinging is impossible. We live in the middle of nowhere. Also, I go to counselling with her whenever it is requested by the therapist, me, or my wife.

[ncmd_couple]

Whatistruth,

I would also like to welcome you to the Swinger's Board! What area of PA are you located in?

S

[WhatisTruth]

Northwest, about half-way between pitt and erie.

[ncmd_couple]

There are folks in your area that can help ya' out. You will probably have to travel, the price that we pay for being out in the sticks, but worth it.

S

[Expulsion]

I hope you figure everything out, it doesn't sound like an ideal situation at all.
But honestly I agree with everyone else, no one can help you properly because it has to be between you guys. I really do hope you figure it out and you remain happy and content!

[JustAskJulie]

I'd say that as long as she can emotionally detach then there shouldn't be an issue with swinging. I'm surprised at that actually and it makes me wonder if she was raped by someone she was emotionally close to (not my business), as it seems that it's usually the other way around.

As for swinging separately, that is really up to you. You'll find it harder to do so as a single guy, but if you've developed friendships with other couples that understand the situation you may find it much easier.

[WhatisTruth]

Hey guys, just thought I would update this thread real quick seeing as I've been more active on the forums.

The wife found another therapist soon after my initial post, and things definitely got better. Once we moved away from that area (western PA), we divided that we were in a good place emotionally, and proximately to start exploring the lifestyle.

Julie was right, she was raped by somebody she was emotionally attached to, and that's why she has (had?) the issues (and exceptions) that she does (did?).

We decided that we wanted to make swinging a marital activity, like eating out or playing tennis. So if (when) we come to a season of lessened libido, I will not play alone, which is cool.

We recently had our first soft swap experience, and I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it way more than I did, as she hasn't stopped talking about it It went really well, and she said she didn't have any issues of jealousy, (bad) anxiety, or anything of the like. In fact, the only problems we have had, is finding other couples our age that we are attracted to. But that's a self-imposed limitation.

I wanted to thank you all one more time for the great advice, it was much appreciated and taken to heart!

[fun4Ds]

Thank you, for returning to this thread with some final words. This is a good thing that sometimes we can face adversity in life, with healthy outcomes.


fun4ds

[VegasLee]

Glad to see that things appear to be working out for both of you.

Also nice to see you went the right way about handling this problem rather then trying to just stumble through it.

Good luck to you in the future!