Here for Help in understanding Wife's signals.

[killerbee1969]

Hello Everyone,

I'm sorry in advance if I bore you, because I'm strictly here for advise from experienced people. I'm hoping someone has come across my feelings and understanding.


First of all, I'm a 40 year old married man with my wife being 35. We currently have two children, and planning for two more in the next year or so. I've been with my wife for 10 years, and when we first started dating, she explained to me that she was bi-sexual. I was falling in love with her, and she was with me, so that never become an issue. She told me that regardless of being bi-sexual, her understanding of our love was first, and she always enjoyed making love with me over being with a woman.

Well, through the years I've always suspected that maybe she did do something with me or a man...because of course, her sex drive has taken a serious drop through the years. I've stayed with a very hungry sex drive, and she has been very flat through the years....even though it was amazing our first 2 years.

This is where I need to know if I'm reading the signals on our marriage. There has been time when my wife and I talk dirty, more so while she has had a few too many, that she enjoys being with 2 men at a time, basically a fantasy of it. She has told me that if she wasn't married, that she probably would have gone to swinger clubs, or been a swinger....she said that once....but then said it would never happen while she was with me...she probably couldn't handle the jealousy, as I probably couldn't handle it too...I'm Latin/Italian...and I can see myself getting too loud with someone, if something goes on too fast...or not in my control.

In spite of all this...I have several fantasies when I masturbate, of us maybe soft-swinging, and really getting turned on by her reaction, and visual stimulation. Is that normal??????

When my wife was 19 yrs old...she was a phone sex operator, almost became an escort, but claimed she didn't go through it, but did admit to fucking the owner of the escort service twice. And at 17, she had some very hot sex with older men, tied to the bed, and such. Geez...when i met her, our first week, she gave me the best blowjob of my life, where she seemed like a pro, and all... to top it all off...she watched some b movie about couples doing a switch.

So am I just plain stupid here...and this is her telling me that she needs to try something new...or is it me making all this up in my head because i have feelings of it too....


I don't know how I would react....but I do get lots of enjoyment in seeing my wife...my lover, at full enjoyment when we have sex....


Please help me out here....and if so...how do I approach it?


thanks

Killerbee1969 - f

[xxxboxy]

You'll get more info by talking to her about all of this.

And maybe I'm just misreading your post but it really doesn't sound like you trust the accuracy of some of the stuff she's told you over the years...if you don't have trust in your partner then swinging will never, ever work for you.

[SecretAsianMan]

Well... it seems to me that the best person to talk to about these feelings would be your wife. (If you can't talk to her about your feelings then swinging ISN'T going to be the right choice for y'all)

I'm really not sure if you had a specific question...

You've clearly stated that you probably couldn't handle the jealousy of sharing your wife with anyone else. And that's fine. Enjoy your fantasies - talk about them with your partner - open up those lines of communication and learn to trust each other.

If you can't talk to one another ... you'll never trust each other and these feelings of insecurity will only get worse

[slevin]

A common thing I have run across with women is that they are often heavily influenced by societal views of what women should be like. Not to say men aren't, but this is about your wife. So a woman who is married with two kids views herself as a wife and a mother. A good woman, good wife, good mother, would never want to be a swinger. She'd never want to be with other men or women. That is something that is dirty, you don't do that with someone you love. You do that with someone you don't care about.

This is often reinforced by men and their view of women. Most men think exactly that way; you don't do those things with someone you love. So there is a chance that those things turn her on, but her own view of who she is supposed to be is clouding her ability to accept or embrace that.

If this is something that turns you on and you want to bring up as an option with your wife then I think you need to make sure that your communication doesn't trigger the wrong thing in her mind. She isn't a dirty slut and she isn't a virginal wife. She is YOUR dirty slut and YOUR incredible wife; what you and she do as a couple sexually has no impact on who she is.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

Please help me out here....and if so...how do I approach it?

You can approach it by showing her this thread. These are all things the two of you need to talk about and letting her read what you wrote to us is a great way to open those lines of communication.

[interested-05]

she admits to being bi-sexual, probably thinks aboout it, and if you are like most guys, you would love to do an fmf, and I suspect you would not get jealous of her in this situation. However if she were to ditch you because she wants women exclusively, then you would have an issue.
This is something you really need to have a heart to heart talk with her about. Regardless of how the conversation turns out, it is importnt for your relationship, to be able to discuss what is going on in your hearts and minds, rather than wonder and stress about why she doesn't want to have sex.
If she is good with the bi-sexual fmf, it frees you up to work with her to find the right situation, be it an fmf or perhaps another couple that has the same outlook

[killerbee1969]

neither have the urge, nor the need to experience it again?????


Hey Everyone, I really appreciate you input so far in the forum. I'm trying to figure out if my wife has any hidden urges to be a swinger, now that we have been married for 10 years, with two children.

These are the facts....

In her early years...19-22 she had several bi-sexual orgies, worked full-time as a phone sex actress, and was a high priced escort for a few dates.

She mentioned to me once in conversation how she probably would have been a swinger, if she was not married to me.



My thoughts:

I pressume she enjoyed sex very much, until she gained about 50 lbs, after the baby was born. She is about 150 now, and Latina(cuban).

With all the sexually charged events in her life, I'm feeling that she might be missing some of her orgy days with women.

Can a person be bi-sexual, and not take part in any bi-sexual activity for over 10 years?

She also enjoys watching porn MMF, and gets hotter during sex when I talk dirty about it.

Are these underlying experiences that may lead to hidden urges of wanting more sex in life...and for couples, is that more sex equal some sort of swinger?



I ask this from all of you, because you all seem very fine tuned with your emotions intwined with sex. And from my last post, everyone seemed very understanding and gentle in their response to a total stranger....thank you.



-killerbee1969

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

Well, through the years I've always suspected that maybe she did do something with me[n] or a man...because of course, her sex drive has taken a serious drop through the years. I've stayed with a very hungry sex drive, and she has been very flat through the years....even though it was amazing our first 2 years.

Could you explain what you mean in this first sentence? I'm not understanding what point you're making.

I feel that before discussing swinging with your wife you need to decide if your primary motivation is because you're unsatisfied with sex at home. It seems you are, since her sex drive has taken a serious drop through the years.

I'd suggest you talk about that first with her. Leave the subject of bringing others into your bedroom for later, only after you've improved your sex together.



LM

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I feel that before discussing swinging with your wife you need to decide if your primary motivation is because you're unsatisfied with sex at home. It seems you are, since her sex drive has taken a serious drop through the years.

I'd suggest you talk about that first with her. Leave the subject of bringing others into your bedroom for later, only after you've improved your sex together.

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

Well... it seems to me that the best person to talk to about these feelings would be your wife. (If you can't talk to her about your feelings then swinging ISN'T going to be the right choice for y'all)

You've clearly stated that you probably couldn't handle the jealousy of sharing your wife with anyone else. And that's fine. Enjoy your fantasies - talk about them with your partner - open up those lines of communication and learn to trust each other.

Among the good advice you've received so far, both points made above stand out. Like many, I'm seeing some potential red flags in your post, at least based on how you have described things to us.

If the issue is your sex life with her, then work on that 100% before you even begin to remotely consider swinging. Swinging is an accelerant, it came make the flame of a relationship burn higher and brighter, but if you are already headed downhill, it will make the trip to rock bottom a lot quicker too.

It's understandable that broaching the subject of swinging doesn't come without some trepidation. But, that is a common question here, and my rule of thumb is that if someone is that worried about bringing up the subject that they start looking for all sorts of roundabouts and ways to interpret "hidden" signs, then swinging may not be for them to start with. Y'all have been together a while, and you know some if not all about each others sexual history and mindset, so you probably have a pretty good idea of whether she will be willing to even discuss it, so just ask to share your thoughts with her. If you are afraid to ask to the point you think it could possible cause harm to the relationship (or, knowing yourself and how you react to things, you're subconsciously afraid she might actually say yes), then that's your answer.

[killerbee1969]

Ok I'm sorry I keep starting new threads, but I seem to be lacking the status to reply or post. Or maybe it's just me, and my level of using an online forum, versus the national average, is low.

I've been reaching out and asking some of you seasoned veterans in the lifestyle, if anyone thought based on my SO, and her sexual expressions, if she had the possibilty to want swinging. I'm mostly resposible for everyone's response because I've lacked the details, and again, my fault, I usually don't write anything forum-ish.

I'm here asking about certain things, and always getting the answer, "you need to talk to her, explain all this to her," or,"your relationship seems like it is having problems from what i'm reading.'

I feel I'm getting a very basic reply from everyone, and a cautious one at that.....


My marriage is very strong....extremely strong....the caring, respect, love, being only a few of the many are present every living moment. The sex is by far very amazing...not as often as before, but still very amazing...

I feel very happy when I see my wife enjoy sex, and it turns me on too....so I pose these questions from my prior post, with everyone to understand....
I'm here to feel out the experience of the lifestyle, and to make my judgement if it is something for me, and if so, then approach my wife with my conclusion.
I'm not looking to screw around with random women, because if thats what I wanted, I would have just done that in itself.
I'm looking to the sexual experience even more, with the person i love very much. And I'm very aware from reading the experience of others that if a couple has a strong relationship, it usually enhances the bedroom experience.

[LikeMinds321]

Glad to see you back.

The reason your posts haven't been appearing right away, and why you've not been able to reply to your existing thread, is that you haven't confirmed your e-mail address which is required to complete your registration. Once you do that, your posts will show up immediately, without need for a moderator to first approve them.

I'll merge this post with your other posts on the same topic.

LM

[BiloxiCouple]

Keeping it simple.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Glad to see you back.

The reason your posts haven't been appearing right away, and why you've not been able to reply to your existing thread, is that you haven't confirmed your e-mail address which is required to complete your registration. Once you do that, your posts will show up immediately, without need for a moderator to first approve them.

I'll merge this post with your other posts on the same topic.

LM

Looks like you confirmed your email and I've approved your registration, so you should be able to post normally now without any difficulty. Glad to have you here.

[N8ture Girl]

I'm here asking about certain things, and always getting the answer, "you need to talk to her, explain all this to her," or,"your relationship seems like it is having problems from what i'm reading.'

I feel I'm getting a very basic reply from everyone, and a cautious one at that.....

A basic reply is about all anyone can give you. No one can answer this question for you, they maybe able to give opinions based on what you say she has said, but we have no idea the context for which these statements were made. And they are based on your interpretations so that makes it harder.

She has told me that if she wasn't married, that she probably would have gone to swinger clubs, or been a swinger....she said that once....but then said it would never happen while she was with me...

Maybe she is interested in swinging, but only said that she wouldn't do it while she was with you because of the negative reaction that she expected to get so she added the " never while with you" to assure you that she has no interest because she thinks you wont have an interest. The only way to know is ASK her.

she probably couldn't handle the jealousy, as I probably couldn't handle it too...I'm Latin/Italian...and I can see myself getting too loud with someone, if something goes on too fast...or not in my control.

How do you know she would be jealous?


Like I said before, we cant possibly know the answers to your question based on your interpertation of words she said. This is something you two need to talk about together.

[ownerspet]

This will be a little lengthy: There may be different things going on here in her head... and I will attempt to try to explain why you may feel like you as you say "are always getting the answer" with the implication of it being the same answer.

First their are certain things you are asking, that must be addressed to make my point:

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

I'm trying to figure out if my wife has any hidden urges to be a swinger, .......
........
In her early years...19-22 she had several bi-sexual orgies, worked full-time as a phone sex actress, and was a high priced escort for a few dates.

She mentioned to me once in conversation how she probably would have been a swinger, if she was not married to me.....she said that once....but then said it would never happen while she was with me...she probably couldn't handle the jealousy, as I probably couldn't handle it too...I'm Latin/Italian...and I can see myself getting too loud with someone, if something goes on too fast...or not in my control.

What she mentioned above "she probably would have been a swinger if not married" may be the honest truth, or it may just be her fishing for your opinion on the topic.

1. If she was fishing: Because of the next statement indicating that she may be affraid of potential jealousy if you both chose to swing, leads me to beleive that she may have also been hesitant to directly address the subject without fishing due to fear of your jealousy. Which in my opinion is definitly a sign that you are important to her. (Keep in mind: this fear is a legitimate fear from anyone in a relationship who is breaching the subject of swinging with their mate)

2. If the comment "she probably would have been a swinger if not married" was the honest truth in how she felt: It may be that she doesn't feel like either her, you, or both could get past the jealousy that she described in the following statements.

So whether it is answer one or two or something else the readers here do not know.

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

Can a person be bi-sexual, and not take part in any bi-sexual activity for over 10 years?

To answer this question: Whether bi, gay, or straight, people have abstained from sex for many years in one stretch, so there is nothing unbeleivable about a bi-sexual person not engaging in bisexual activity for 10 years. (especially if they are receiving satisfaction from their heterosexual relationship).

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

Are these underlying experiences that may lead to hidden urges of wanting more sex in life...

I'm sure there are underlying experiences that are had in and out of bedroom that leave people wanting more in sex. After all it is the concept of hope. People find about activities, may even engage in activities, or just see someone they find attractive. So if any of the three or other things happen and someone get's excited, then yes this may leave people wanting more in sex. It may sound stupid for me to point this out that this where fantasies come from, but it takes me to the next part of your question.

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

..and for couples, is that more sex equal some sort of swinger?

For many swingers, fantasies of threesomes, foursomes, orgies, or even more have brought them to the swinging lifestyle. The desires are built over time just thinking about engaging in activities that may not just involve their spouses. This has brought many current swingers past their past fears of breaching the subject with their spouses, but some never progress past fantasy. So to answer your question, for couples more sex is not always some sort of swinger, but for some it definitily is.

Originally Posted by killerbee1969

I'm here asking about certain things, and always getting the answer, "you need to talk to her, explain all this to her," or,"your relationship seems like it is having problems from what i'm reading.

1. The anwser to your question is not straight forward as many of us would like. We often wish that the straight forward answer would magically appear in a pefect package. In high school girls would often act giddy, smile, or talk to me, so I never could figure out if they were freindly or they wanted to go out with me. Any mind reader around me at age 16 would have known I wanted a straight forward answer on whether the girls in my high school wanted to go out with me. But I have to admit: It would have been so much easier to just show up at their house knowing they were going to go out with me, than me having to build up the courage to ask them.

In a way this appears to be the same situation to the readers of your thread. You appear to want to know if your wife wants to swing. Your wife appears to be dropping hints, but you don't have the courage or you haven't figured out how to directly ask her.

That is why people are indicating that you need to talk to her, because they do not know what she wants. Every person is different, and you would be more equipped to find that out.

2. The other thing that you stated is that you are getting another answer indicating that your relationship may be having problems. Well anytime someone mentions possible jealousy, for most that indicates it exists at some, if even minimal level. With the possibility of any minimal jealousy and the lack of discussion between you and your spouse or her input we don't know if your relationship is ready for swinging, no matter how strong your relationship is. This is something that each couple has to discuss.

That's a little more than my 2 cents.....