should 1st experience be a man from wife's past?

noobie · 10-12-2009, 09:45 AM

Hello all

this is my 1st post here and im looking for advice

1st off a little about us,we met online,mid 40's,and this friday will be our 10th wedding anniversary,we have discussed MFM encounters over the last yr or so,but it was more a"sex talk topic" recently we have discussed it outside the bedroom so to speak and its quite interesting to say the least.

A little more about my wife,she has done this before in her previous marriage but it was in my eyes from our discussions that she did it because she was trying to please her ex,as she thought this would hold her marriage together

So now it is my fantasy for the MFM,and from reading posts here i do have the same thoughts ie jealousy,performance etc etc but that is something i need to control and pretty sure i can.

now the question arose as to who would be the other man,and she suggested a man from her past with her ex,i do know him and he is a nice guy,but thru our discussions of her past acts to me it sounded like she did it for all the wrong reasons ie "to keep the marriage alive" and she always said it made her feel "dirty" as there were many guys that her ex brought in over the years

I have no problem with this other guy but my question is" would he be the right choice for our 1st encounter?"

I am trying to see it from her point which is she would be more comfortable with someone who she has done this with before and that makes sence to me,but would it bring her past to light and make her have that "dirty" feeling again as that is the last thing i want her to feel

sorry for the long post as im not very good with the written word,

thanx in advance for any replys

xxxboxy · 10-12-2009, 11:20 AM

I would say no.

PB&J · 10-12-2009, 11:36 AM

I would DEFINITELY say no. If she was doing it with her ex for the wrong reasons, and felt dirty about it then, why would you bring him back into her sex life? There are lots of great men out there who would be willing to help you with this fantasy.

Hopefully, this time around it is HER fantasy too, although you just say "So now it is my fantasy for the MFM". If she did it last time to keep her marriage alive, and it made her feel dirty, it might be hard for her to overcome those negative associations. Make sure this is something you both really want to do, and if so, FOR SURE start with a clean slate and a new guy.

Ooops! I didn't read carefully enough. I thought you were referring to bringing her ex into it. Sorry. Yes, someone she's played with before might work. But seriously consider someone new.

ncmd_couple · 10-12-2009, 12:15 PM

Noobie,

Welcome to the Swinger's Board! I'm not going to say yes or no to this, because the actual answer is, "It depends."

Our first MFM experience was with a previous lover of L's. I had met him and he was a nice guy. The experience was great for all concerned. Having said that, the reason that it went well was because she chose him. So, if she chooses the guy and is comfortable with him, and has had sex with him before, it can be a good thing.

This is something that the two of you need to discuss between the two of you. It is possible that she had a good experience with this guy, that the problem was with her ex-husband. Let her know that you are concerned that you will feel "dirty" and let her know that are putting her first in this.

Does she have a former lover, after her divorce, but before the two of you met, that she would want to bring into your bedroom? Someone who does not have any attachment to the past experiences?

S

SecretAsianMan · 10-12-2009, 12:16 PM

I would recommend a totally "fresh" start with a whole new guy - someone y'all can totally disassociate with if it doesn't go well (or someone y'all can develop a good friendship/relationship with if it does go well).

Old lovers can bring up baggage from the past - and it doesn't sound like she had the greatest of past experiences with these guys. But talk it over with her... find out how she wants to handle this & what she (and you'd) be most comfortable with.

CXXC · 10-12-2009, 12:43 PM

A Resounding No!!!

bbarnsworth · 10-12-2009, 04:27 PM

Chime in with agreement with all the above. No.

This has been discussed before here, though I'm not sure where the threads are. The usual consensus on this sort of idea is no. There are PLENTY of single males available in the life style. It might take some work to find the right one, but there's plenty of opportunity there that you don't have to use someone from the past for this.

Start fresh.

**LFM2** · 10-12-2009, 06:23 PM

I have to echo what the others have said.

If I were going to start swinging with a new guy, regardless if I swung in the past, I think it would not only be wise, but also fair (being fair another discussion) if we chose a new man for the occasion. Someone we both met and agreed upon and were comfortable with.

Elena · 10-12-2009, 06:55 PM

I am mixed on this. I understand people saying flat out NO, and to find someone else. However, this is someone she has had a sexual relationship with in the past, not an emotional relationship. I can understand her being more comfortable with him. Also, the OP stated that he has met this gentleman and likes him, so that is a plus. They have been married 10 years and are secure in their marriage. I think he needs to really think about what his wife is saying. If she can truly convince him that for this step, this gentleman is the right choice, then he has to believe that she knows what she is talking about. Also, from what I am understanding, it wasn't really the men that were making her feel dirty, but moreso the fact that she was doing it more for her husband than for herself. Now she is wanting to do it for herself and for "fun", not to save this marriage. If the gentleman in particular made her feel "dirty", she would not have mentioned him as a possible candidate. Just my .02 cents!

Edison Carter · 10-12-2009, 07:33 PM

Okay , this is YOUR fantasy. But is it HERS ?

Chicup · 10-12-2009, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elena

I am mixed on this. I understand people saying flat out NO, and to find someone else. However, this is someone she has had a sexual relationship with in the past, not an emotional relationship. I can understand her being more comfortable with him. Also, the OP stated that he has met this gentleman and likes him, so that is a plus. They have been married 10 years and are secure in their marriage. I think he needs to really think about what his wife is saying. If she can truly convince him that for this step, this gentleman is the right choice, then he has to believe that she knows what she is talking about. Also, from what I am understanding, it wasn't really the men that were making her feel dirty, but moreso the fact that she was doing it more for her husband than for herself. Now she is wanting to do it for herself and for "fun", not to save this marriage. If the gentleman in particular made her feel "dirty", she would not have mentioned him as a possible candidate. Just my .02 cents!

Yea my first reaction was NO too, but what you are saying is should it be with another swing partner NOT an ex boyfriend or the like and I softened on it.

So while I feel a lot of red flags in the OP, I don't think this part is that bad.

maniaco333 · 10-12-2009, 07:44 PM

If it is an ex who she had feelings for in the past I would say a resounding NO, but I believe it would be OK if it is and ex fuck buddy or ex FWB.

noobie · 10-13-2009, 07:13 AM

thanx for all the replies

After further discussion about this we have decided that yes it would be smart to start fresh,Her 1st response was a heat of the moment answer

so now the quest is on to find the 3rd....

again thank you for all your replies and time

bbarnsworth · 10-13-2009, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noobie

thanx for all the replies

After further discussion about this we have decided that yes it would be smart to start fresh,Her 1st response was a heat of the moment answer

so now the quest is on to find the 3rd....

again thank you for all your replies and time

cool

Now, in working to find the third, don't get frustrated. Be selective, find what you want, and work from there. You might have to go through a few guys before you find the right one. That's ok. In some respects, swinging is just like regular dating.

bathes · 10-13-2009, 11:55 AM

No bringing the negative past to the for front seems counterprotuctive.More over you and she need to have your own experence. good luck have fun

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10-12-2009, 09:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
noobie Registered User Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2 Location: NH Status: couple	should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? Hello all this is my 1st post here and im looking for advice 1st off a little about us,we met online,mid 40's,and this friday will be our 10th wedding anniversary,we have discussed MFM encounters over the last yr or so,but it was more a"sex talk topic" recently we have discussed it outside the bedroom so to speak and its quite interesting to say the least. A little more about my wife,she has done this before in her previous marriage but it was in my eyes from our discussions that she did it because she was trying to please her ex,as she thought this would hold her marriage together So now it is my fantasy for the MFM,and from reading posts here i do have the same thoughts ie jealousy,performance etc etc but that is something i need to control and pretty sure i can. now the question arose as to who would be the other man,and she suggested a man from her past with her ex,i do know him and he is a nice guy,but thru our discussions of her past acts to me it sounded like she did it for all the wrong reasons ie "to keep the marriage alive" and she always said it made her feel "dirty" as there were many guys that her ex brought in over the years I have no problem with this other guy but my question is" would he be the right choice for our 1st encounter?" I am trying to see it from her point which is she would be more comfortable with someone who she has done this with before and that makes sence to me,but would it bring her past to light and make her have that "dirty" feeling again as that is the last thing i want her to feel sorry for the long post as im not very good with the written word, thanx in advance for any replys

10-12-2009, 11:20 AM	#2 (permalink)
xxxboxy Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 360 Location: Near Seattle Status: Male half of couple Swing Lifestyle Name:xxxboxy	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? I would say no.

10-12-2009, 11:36 AM	#3 (permalink)
PB&J Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,308 Location: Southern Ontario Status: female half of couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? I would DEFINITELY say no. If she was doing it with her ex for the wrong reasons, and felt dirty about it then, why would you bring him back into her sex life? There are lots of great men out there who would be willing to help you with this fantasy. Hopefully, this time around it is HER fantasy too, although you just say "So now it is my fantasy for the MFM". If she did it last time to keep her marriage alive, and it made her feel dirty, it might be hard for her to overcome those negative associations. Make sure this is something you both really want to do, and if so, FOR SURE start with a clean slate and a new guy. Ooops! I didn't read carefully enough. I thought you were referring to bringing her ex into it. Sorry. Yes, someone she's played with before might work. But seriously consider someone new.
	__________________ Who doesn't like a PB&J sandwich? Last edited by PB&J; 10-12-2009 at 12:56 PM. Reason: mis-read the original post

10-12-2009, 12:15 PM	#4 (permalink)
ncmd_couple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2,252 Location: North Carolina Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:ncmd_couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? Noobie, Welcome to the Swinger's Board! I'm not going to say yes or no to this, because the actual answer is, "It depends." Our first MFM experience was with a previous lover of L's. I had met him and he was a nice guy. The experience was great for all concerned. Having said that, the reason that it went well was because she chose him. So, if she chooses the guy and is comfortable with him, and has had sex with him before, it can be a good thing. This is something that the two of you need to discuss between the two of you. It is possible that she had a good experience with this guy, that the problem was with her ex-husband. Let her know that you are concerned that you will feel "dirty" and let her know that are putting her first in this. Does she have a former lover, after her divorce, but before the two of you met, that she would want to bring into your bedroom? Someone who does not have any attachment to the past experiences? S
	__________________ Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

10-12-2009, 12:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
SecretAsianMan Tastes Great Less Filling Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1,467 Location: Los Angeles Status: Single Male Swing Lifestyle Name:Secret_Asian_Man	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? I would recommend a totally "fresh" start with a whole new guy - someone y'all can totally disassociate with if it doesn't go well (or someone y'all can develop a good friendship/relationship with if it does go well). Old lovers can bring up baggage from the past - and it doesn't sound like she had the greatest of past experiences with these guys. But talk it over with her... find out how she wants to handle this & what she (and you'd) be most comfortable with.
	__________________ Have some... you'll want some more an hour later

10-12-2009, 12:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
CXXC Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!! Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 952 Location: Savannah GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:cxxc1963	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? A Resounding No!!!
	__________________ Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

10-12-2009, 04:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
bbarnsworth Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1,870 Location: South Central Indiana Status: Couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? Chime in with agreement with all the above. No. This has been discussed before here, though I'm not sure where the threads are. The usual consensus on this sort of idea is no. There are PLENTY of single males available in the life style. It might take some work to find the right one, but there's plenty of opportunity there that you don't have to use someone from the past for this. Start fresh.

10-12-2009, 06:23 PM	#8 (permalink)
LFM2 ~This space for rent~ Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,750 Location: across the tracks Status: Couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? I have to echo what the others have said. If I were going to start swinging with a new guy, regardless if I swung in the past, I think it would not only be wise, but also fair (being fair another discussion) if we chose a new man for the occasion. Someone we both met and agreed upon and were comfortable with.
	__________________ Dave & Holly

10-12-2009, 06:55 PM	#9 (permalink)
Elena Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 153 Location: Texas Status: Couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? I am mixed on this. I understand people saying flat out NO, and to find someone else. However, this is someone she has had a sexual relationship with in the past, not an emotional relationship. I can understand her being more comfortable with him. Also, the OP stated that he has met this gentleman and likes him, so that is a plus. They have been married 10 years and are secure in their marriage. I think he needs to really think about what his wife is saying. If she can truly convince him that for this step, this gentleman is the right choice, then he has to believe that she knows what she is talking about. Also, from what I am understanding, it wasn't really the men that were making her feel dirty, but moreso the fact that she was doing it more for her husband than for herself. Now she is wanting to do it for herself and for "fun", not to save this marriage. If the gentleman in particular made her feel "dirty", she would not have mentioned him as a possible candidate. Just my .02 cents!
	__________________ She is Elena, He is Hammerhead

10-12-2009, 07:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
Edison Carter Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 733 Location: Naperville, Il Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:EdisonCarter	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? Okay , this is YOUR fantasy. But is it HERS ?

10-12-2009, 07:44 PM	#12 (permalink)
maniaco333 Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 26 Location: Alabama Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:maniaco333	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? If it is an ex who she had feelings for in the past I would say a resounding NO, but I believe it would be OK if it is and ex fuck buddy or ex FWB.

10-13-2009, 07:13 AM	#13 (permalink)
noobie Registered User Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2 Location: NH Status: couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? thanx for all the replies After further discussion about this we have decided that yes it would be smart to start fresh,Her 1st response was a heat of the moment answer so now the quest is on to find the 3rd.... again thank you for all your replies and time

10-13-2009, 11:55 AM	#15 (permalink)
bathes Active Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 26 Location: N.j Status: couple	Re: should 1st experience be a man from wife's past? No bringing the negative past to the for front seems counterprotuctive.More over you and she need to have your own experence. good luck have fun

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