Taking the first step

[CuriousOKCpl]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so if this is the inappropriate place, please move it.

Well, we've decided we're ready to take the first step. We're going this Saturday to an off-premise club. We're both excited and nervous at the same time. We've talked about what to expect from each other and we've talked about boundaries. We've also discussed the fact that nothing may happen there, but we're prepared as well for the possibility that we'll have to say "NO" if someone asks us to push us outside our agreed upon comfort levels.

We've still got some talking to do. Mrs. Curious is on nights right now and won't be home at the same time as me until tomorrow, but we plan to spend the entire evening talking this out if necessary. Some of the things that need to be discussed are more clarification on boundaries, what we are willing to let the other do and what is definitely off limits for now. Safe words, code words/signals, etc. We know we need these, but haven't figured that out yet. To some degree we need to talk about what the other is going to be attracted to. I mean, I know she's going to like tall burly men, or I hope...LOL...she's married to one, and she has a good idea of my taste, but some clarification will be useful.

I don't know, maybe we're overthinking it. It is JUST an off-premise club, but IMO, we have to prepare for every scenario or we could find ourselves in a bad situation. Am I right? Any tips, words of advice, encouragement? LOL

[SW_PA_Couple]

Overthink? Well, that's what happened the first few times we first went into a club. You'll be just fine. Even if "nothing happens", you'll learn a lot. Just watching people is fun.

~Michael

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

I wasn't sure where to post this, so if this is the inappropriate place, please move it.

Don't worry about this, your in the right place. For now.....

Not sure about the exact line for the curious about swinging forum, maybe it's a good time to reread the regulations myself ?

Personally, I think some form of genital touching/fondeling, should happen at least, to cross the line. But we'll give ya some "wiggle room".

Hopefully next, you'll have a good experience to post after SAT.

Well, we've decided we're ready to take the first step. We're going this Saturday to an off-premise club. We're both excited and nervous at the same time. We've talked about what to expect from each other and we've talked about boundaries. We've also discussed the fact that nothing may happen there, but we're prepared as well for the possibility that we'll have to say "NO" if someone asks us to push us outside our agreed upon comfort levels.

You guys sound like you doin great !

We've still got some talking to do. Mrs. Curious is on nights right now and won't be home at the same time as me until tomorrow, but we plan to spend the entire evening talking this out if necessary. Some of the things that need to be discussed are more clarification on boundaries, what we are willing to let the other do and what is definitely off limits for now. Safe words, code words/signals, etc. We know we need these, but haven't figured that out yet.

Some of these I prefer to as, whats on my tool belt, when we get out.

Except...... Well, I drop my tools, alot.... and Mrsfun borrows my stuff and never brings stuff back.

We know we need the tools, we're just a little sloppy at times. We manage, sounds like you will also.

To some degree we need to talk about what the other is going to be attracted to. I mean, I know she's going to like tall burly men, or I hope...LOL...she's married to one, and she has a good idea of my taste, but some clarification will be useful.

I think you might want to think about this.

We have never guessed each others flavor or taste, as far as when meeting real people. We watch real close personally, as individuals, about just who in a room is giving that vibe. Its hard to be watching for yourself, and you not only should, but have to eventually.

If nothing happens I know we like to talk as soon as possible when we leave about who we got the vibe/chemistry from. Helps with the memory recall a little bit.

I don't know, maybe we're overthinking it. It is JUST an off-premise club, but IMO, we have to prepare for every scenario or we could find ourselves in a bad situation. Am I right? Any tips, words of advice, encouragement? LOL

What can I say, our first meet and greet at a Holiday inn banquet room,

We didn't know Mrsfun and about a dozen other women would be making ice scream sundays on guys dicks and eating/blow jobbing them, from the willing and eager men.

Thats probably the most extreme Meet&Greet for us, as most are in a civilians bar where nothing happens.

Relax and enjoy yourselves

I did always hear you could eat a live frog before going...

That way, what could happen worse than that, the rest of the night ?

[BamaRide]

One of the biggest things you will experience is the eye opening effect... and then ooooooh the communications that follows. This is a fun and exciting time... take it easy..enjoy! Grats!

BamaRide

[SheLovesTheSun]

Sit back and enjoy the ride! It doesn't hurt to take it easy and observe what's going on around you.

[LagniappeDC]

Sounds like you guys are in a good place. I'll never forget going out to dinner before we went to our first off-premise club. We were both so nervous we could barely eat. We had talked and talked, and like you, over thought it, contemplating every possible scenario. Turns out we had a really fun, no pressure evening and met some great couples. We simply went in to "have a look around" and so really didn't invite much more than friendly conversation.

A lot of clubs invite new couples to arrive early, or right when the clubs open, so that you can meet the host couples and others who are new. A bunch of us "newbies" kind hung out and danced together and we thought that was great icebreaker, otherwise we probably would have just been wall flowers and not enjoyed the evening as much. You should see if your club does that.

Other than that, the "no means no" rule really does apply. 99% of the couples you meet will be nice and respectful. Establish your boundaries and stick to them. If you find the right couple, they will stick around until you are ready to play more. It's a marathan, not a sprint

Enjoy and let us know how it goes...

[CuriousOKCpl]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

I think you might want to think about this.

We have never guessed each others flavor or taste, as far as when meeting real people. We watch real close personally, as individuals, about just who in a room is giving that vibe. Its hard to be watching for yourself, and you not only should, but have to eventually.

Mr. Fun, you lost me on this one. So are you saying not to try and guess each other's flavor/taste? I think that's what you're saying. I guess the issue I'm having right now is that I have no clue what she likes, other than someone like me, but I also know that can't be the extent of her tastes. I think I'm overthinking this one too, just worried that I may take a liking to someone only to figure out she has no attraction to the male. That's normal though I suppose, from reading posts here. I guess this really applies more to online personals, and looking at profiles than the club setting. *shrug* Again, pretty sure I'm over thinking this. LOL

Thanks for the long and well thought out reply. WE really appreciate it and all the help and advice we've received here.

Bama, Sun and Lagniappe, thanks for the words as well. I must say if everyone in swinging is as nice as the folks we've found on here, it's going to be a great ride. I can honestly say that even thought we're moving a pace that is comfortable for us, I don't think we'd be this far along if not for the wonderful people here. Of course, its because you all have helped us feel comfortable out this and given great advice, so its not like ya'll have pushed us, quite the opposite!

Thanks! Oh and we will be SURE to post a follow up after Saturday night.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

I guess the issue I'm having right now is that I have no clue what she likes, other than someone like me, but I also know that can't be the extent of her tastes. I think I'm overthinking this one too, just worried that I may take a liking to someone only to figure out she has no attraction to the male. That's normal though I suppose, from reading posts here.

I suggest you work out a discreet way to communicate a "Yes, I like him or her", or a "No, I don't find this person attractive" to each other. You could use some sort of hand signal or other "tell". Some people use code words. Mr. Fuse and I have simple non-verbal ways of letting each other know without a break in conversation. That way we each know whether flirting could actually lead somewhere from our point of view. If it's a "no", we back off.

I'll agree with Mr. Fun; you shouldn't try to guess whom your SO will find attractive. Sometimes you will be surprised.

[Chicup]

Remember you WILL make mistakes, you will say something stupid, you will maybe DO something stupid.

Like everything, being a swinger gets better with practice.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

Mr. Fun, you lost me on this one. So are you saying not to try and guess each other's flavor/taste? I think that's what you're saying.

No I'm not saying its wrong, its fun in a way. We just found we were amazingly wrong, ourselves.

I guess the issue I'm having right now is that I have no clue what she likes, other than someone like me, but I also know that can't be the extent of her tastes.

I can only relate what we experienced, not everything we do or feel, would do for others.

I guess in a way Mrs fun would say in the beginning, "I want someone along the same lines as you"

Seems easy enough, I thought.

So far, no one I am OK with Mrsfun fucking, is allot like me... In fact, he and I rarely share common traits or interests. But yet, we do share a connection I'm comfortable with. I need to see his feelings toward his wife are equal to how I feel for my wife. I have to have that vibe, its important to me. Especially, when I'm trying to make a connection, with the female half of a couple.

I don't know if I can explain how I feel but I'll try....

Imagine a vertical line between us and them. Were on one side, their on the other. Now for me, it takes that comfort to draw a horizontal line that allows me to connect with the female half. That puts Mrsfun and him on one side and me and his wife on the other. Take away that horizontal line which is on top of the vertical line or if its not complete because each of us being together making our half a complete line, then its back to us and them again. See the 4 way split and how it works for me.

That looked easier when I drew it on paper for Mrsfun than I'm probably explaining here, but Mrsfun understood me.

Now for Mrsfun, as we talked about fantasy and dreams. She told me those people, men and women, were faceless..... I thought, well that sucks. The ones I fuck in fantasy and dreams have faces..... I just don't know them, usually.... but I could pick them out of a crowd.

Now Mrsfun drew that same picture I tried to explain earlier and said "what do they look like" pointing at the, them part......

She had me, understanding a little more. I hope that made sense...

I think I'm overthinking this one too, just worried that I may take a liking to someone only to figure out she has no attraction to the male. That's normal though I suppose, from reading posts here.

Yep, its quite normal. There are hundreds of couples on the cutting room floor for us sexually. Those are our friends, as well.

Just enjoy yourselves, and have a safe evening soaking up the atmosphere.

[two4youinswva]

I have to agree with fun4Ds on his experiences in identifying who "she would go for". It was a fun game to play the first couple times we went to a club, but got old quick when I realized I didn't have a clue in what she liked or was attracted to. Same goes for Mrs two4you. There's just too many variables.

I'll also agree that the one thing all the guys she is into have in common, is that they are the type of guys that I could hang out with, and feel comfortable around.

Bottom Line: Go and have fun. Keep the expectations to a minimum. Don't make a bunch of boundaries just so you can say you have them. Make the boundaries in conjunction with something you are truly uncomfortable with. It keeps things simple and easier to comply with.

It's OK to let folks know you're new to swinging. Most will take a genuine interest in making you feel comfortable and respecting your limits.

Meet as many people as you can, and don't be a wallflower.

Have a great night, and let us know how it goes!

[CuriousOKCpl]

Well, we're home and I'm more confused than I was when I left. I'm going to break this down into 2 segments, the bad, and the good.

The bad: We had a couple ask to sit with us almost right away. They were younger than us, by about 10 years, but attractive. We seemed to hit it off right away and I was definitely seeing a vibe between Mrs. Curious and the guy. Unfortunately there was very little between me and the lady. Well, there was for her, but not a lot for me. However, this was all about testing the waters so I decided to go along, to see. They did a group dance where all the men got on the dance floor in a circle and the ladies got in a circle around us and it was sort of like musical chairs except when the music switched to slow dance you grabbed a lady and danced. The last dance, Mrs. Curious lucked up and got to slow dance with the male of our couple. As the song ends I turn around to see where she is and they are kissing. A pain hit me. Ahh, the one I had HOPED would not be there. Hmmm......Ok, this is cool, it wasn't terrible, just a twinge, maybe it will get better, as I've heard it will. Plus I've got no one to play with. Mrs. Curious and the male are definitely hitting it off, not a lot of contact, but little brushes of contact, looks, etc. All this, twinges of pain for me. AT some point she and I talked but I told her I wanted her to continue. Nothing was freaking me out, so I wanted to see if it got better, plus I wanted to see if maybe some contact with me and the lady would help. She and I had had no contact at this point. Fast forward a couple of hours. Slow dance on the dance floor, just the four of us but with our own partners. Song changes and we swap partners. Mrs. Curious and male are making out, so I decide to give it a shot. It was like kissing my sister, so I decide this isn't working and we sit down, chat for a while with them and then I let Mrs. Curious know I'm ready to leave.

So the bad is I'm just terribly confused. THere was 3 things wrong with tonight:

1. There was no chemistry with me and the lady.
2. I was experience the pains of jealousy that I had hoped would not be there.
3. I did not think the male was hot and worthy of Mrs. Curious. He was not someone that it would turn me on to see her with. He turned me off and I didn't click with him at all.

So, my initial reaction is that I can't do this. It's not going to work, but am I feeling this because of 1 & 3? 1 & 3 can be resolved with a different couple. Or is it number 2? Would #2 go away if 1 & 3 were not there? I don't know, but for now, we have a lot of talking to do and I don't think for now we're going to go further with this until I do some more soul searching.

OK, the good. We had a blast!!! The club was great. The people were awesome! Even the couple that we bombed with was very nice and understanding. I was really worried that when we bailed on them, with them not having other options for the night, that they may be offended. They were completely understanding. The openness of the sexuality was wonderful and being there as a couple is something I can see us doing again. I don't know if that's "OK" or not, but I could see us going just to enjoy the atmosphere. There were things that turned me on about the place. Like there were these gloves, vampire gloves, that had little "nails" in the palm/fingers and Mrs. Curious was intrigued by them. There was a lady giving a guy a back "rub" with them and she wanted to get one, so I said, sure go for it. So she took her shirt off in front of a room full of people, undid her bra and let the lady rub her back with the gloves. THAT made me hot. I got my back done, I found that hot. So in a nutshell, while I'm not at all sure about the swapping aspect, the club itself was freaking great!

So I don't know what we're going to do next. We talked all the way home. We were both very open and honest. We've got tons more to talk about. Mrs. Curious is out of the shower now, so I'm going to jump in myself and then we're going to talk and enjoy the rest of the night together.

Thanks everyone for the advice and it was all great and it helped a lot. Thanks for letting me air my confusion tonight.

[BamaRide]

Okay... I"m not going to throw a lot at you because you are sorting this out and it sounds like you're trying to be objective about and that is all good.. BUT!!!!!

You are putting yourself under a lot more presure than should be. I'm assuming that you and Ms have worked out a means of signaling in a social setting...If not you may want to consider it as it would give you two the ability to communicate openly basic information without anyone else knowing. In time you will both read each other better and know exactly what is going on regardless but with all the other stimulus you're experiencing right now... signals are a nice thing to have as backup communications.

Slow down! There should NEVER be an expectation that you are going to bring home fish every time you cast your net. There is no requirement that each time you hit the clubs that you walk out with a encounter for the evening. You both and really get a lot of enjoyment just trolling and seeing who nibbles...

Yeah the Ms got a nibble but you're in this together so if it wasn't working on the other half my personal positon would be that that is a 'no go' regardless because I don't agree with the 'taking one for the team' concept in swinging.

I'd say for your first time out... was a good experience.. you both learned a lot... talk talk talk.. compair notes... and go do it again when you're ready... work into it... don't put yourself under such pressure... just enjoy!

BamaRide

[CuriousOKCpl]

Bama, your comments are well taken and in no way is my response an attempt to say you're wrong, because in some ways, and on some points you're exactly right. I read a lot of your posts and your opinion is one that I always thinks comes across as fair based on the facts, so in this case I think I need to clarify some facts.

We had hand signals worked out before. They were simple gestures than neither one of us would do normally but would appear to be "normal". We simply just didn't need them. We had ample time to talk alone. A good portion of the time we were shooting pool with this couple, so she and I were frequently holding, hugging, kissing, etc. So there was plenty of time to talk about feelings. HOWEVER, in retrospect, I should have gave the no-go signal on this one sooner. After this post she and I talked for about an hour more and during that conversation I realized that I should have gave the signal sooner. Not because I wasn't feeling it but because I couldn't deal with the feelings. She saw me backing off and acting confused, and was looking for the hand signal...........she's smarter than I am. LOL

So why didn't I throw the signal sooner? Quite simply, I got blind-sided by a situation that I was totally NOT expecting and not prepared for. Which takes me to another point I need o clarify. We actually went out tonight to have a good time and see what happened. We really did not expect to land a fish at all......and honestly in hindsight probably weren't ready for the lunker we damn near landed. I'm glad we went and I'm glad we took this step, but I honestly ran into something I wasn't prepared to deal with and I totally screwed it up. Instead of throwing the flag, I decided to fumble through it because Mrs. Curious was having fun and I felt the need to let her do that. I wasn't going to take one for the team. I just spent most of the night VERY confused about the feelings I was having. I wasn't prepared for mixed signals from my brain. I wasn't prepared to feel turned on and jealous at the same time. Yes, I know now that's what it was. I was turned on by watching her make out with someone else, but I also felt the pains of jealousy. THAT I did not expect and instead of saying "STOP" lets sort this out, I let it continue which of course, added to the confusion.

In hindsight, I honestly believe that to some degree my lack of interest in the lady was greatly due to the fact that I couldn't feel anything for her because I was too busy trying to deal with the other emotions. Again, I should have thrown the flag. Ultimately, I did. We had no intentions of leaving as early as we did, but I finally admitted to myself that I was only digging the hole bigger.

After my last post, as I said, she and I talked a lot and some of my feelings have changed as a result. I see now, after talking through it, that I made some mistakes and we've learned from them. I'm pretty sure we'll eventually give this another go. I just need more time to sort out my feelings.

Again, Bama, thanks for the heartfelt response. I love your posts and your feedback is always one I'm anxious to read, not just on mine, but on others. I just realized reading what you wrote that I was not clear on some points. You are right though, it was a good experience, a fun experience and we learned a lot.

Ok, one more final note before I lay my head down for the night. Mr. Fun and Mrs Fuse (anyone else who said this as well).........YA'LL WERE RIGHT! Our after shower discussion of the evening revealed a tragic mistake on my part. When we were shooting pool with our couple, another couple came over and called next game. We ended up shooting several games between the 6 of us. Well, the woman of the newer couple was someone that I was very attracted to and well honestly was probably the one in the room that I was MOST attracted to. However, they were an older couple and he looked older than she did, so I totally ignored her and blew her off because I felt that Mrs. Curious would not be attracted to him at all. Ya'll can guess what is coming next. Yep, I told her that as we talked and she said "Actually, I didn't think he was half bad and would have been wiling to explore that a little more if you'd just indicated you wanted to." See, I took your advice as good advice, but I didn't freaking apply it! LOL

[TheLorax]

Bama (and other folks) gave you some GREAT feedback, so I don't want to reiterate that, but I had a couple points I wanted to discuss.

Some of the pang of jealousy or pain can be caused bythe initial threatening-ness of the new situation. It can take a while to become accustomed to seeing the person you've always had to yourself paying attention to someone else in a way that was always reserved for you. That's normal and it can get easier to deal with over time. But it can also be there because you are not comfortable with that particular person for whatever reasons. I've had my partner become involved with someone who just set me on edge, while at the same time I had no issue with her being involved with a couple of other men who I not only approved of, but was happy she was enjoying being with them.