Newbees: Eager to start but getting tired of fakes and letdowns!

[exploringRM]

Wanting friends first and then see where it goes....We were there when we started. We decided that was way to difficult. It seemed easier to click sexually and then see where it goes as far as friends. For the most part we've been successful in that..only have a few encounters that didn't pan out to more meetings. Nothing real bad, just didn't feel that strongly about meeting again.

[The Fuse]

We have gotten to the point where we mostly pass on profiles that say they want to "develop a friendship and see where it goes" or "take it slow". We don't need to play on the first date, but we want to swing and are looking for others who do too. If we wanted platonic friends, we wouldn't be looking for them on swinger sites.

[EagerCouple]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

We have gotten to the point where we mostly pass on profiles that say they want to "develop a friendship and see where it goes" or "take it slow". We don't need to play on the first date, but we want to swing and are looking for others who do too. If we wanted platonic friends, we wouldn't be looking for them on swinger sites.

Humm..great point.

Reason we went to a swinger site is that it's very connected to our local club. We go to the club since we want to meet open minded people since that is what we are like and where else to meet people like us than at the club. We are not heavy drinkers so going to a local bar and hanging out is not really our thing to meet people either and a lot of people that go to bars are looking to pick up the usual single. Sure I am sure a couple can probably get a single male with little to no trouble but a couple or female is going to be a bit more difficult.

It's not like we can talk to co-workers, scout leaders, or church people we interact with openly What came first the chicken or the egg, in our case the club came first then the web site.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by EagerCouple

Humm..great point.

Reason we went to a swinger site is that it's very connected to our local club. We go to the club since we want to meet open minded people since that is what we are like and where else to meet people like us than at the club. We are not heavy drinkers so going to a local bar and hanging out is not really our thing to meet people either and a lot of people that go to bars are looking to pick up the usual single. Sure I am sure a couple can probably get a single male with little to no trouble but a couple or female is going to be a bit more difficult.

It's not like we can talk to co-workers, scout leaders, or church people we interact with openly What came first the chicken or the egg, in our case the club came first then the web site.

You have lots of company in these sentiments. There are a growing number of people who go to swinger clubs and seek friends on swinger venues because they are looking for people "of like mind" with whom they can be relaxed and talk about sexual things openly. I figure the more people that do that, the more acceptance swinging will find among more and more people, so overall I think it's a good thing. There are a lot of threads that talk about this trend.

Having said that, I'll also say this trend makes it somewhat harder for people who actually play to find the others who do, among the people who are perhaps not really interested in playing. Some people who play get very discouraged when it seems like swinger's clubs are composed more of non-playing people than of people who want to swing. So we consider it good etiquette to ask people we meet, if we are interested in them, "What are you into?" and hope for an honest answer. Everyone can be friends, but if some of us are looking for more it is nice to know if the attractive couple in front of you is compatible before spending a lot of time.

[fun4Ds]

You mentioned once that you now have more time to pursue the lifestyle.

Are there groups in your area who share the same interests, strictly bi female wives ?

I know we have been to a few of those and quite honestly, its all about girl on girl or maybe even more along the lines of "Girls gone wild"


Can you host a party, with the intentions of what your seeking ?

Just curious.....

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

We have gotten to the point where we mostly pass on profiles that say they want to "develop a friendship and see where it goes" or "take it slow". We don't need to play on the first date, but we want to swing and are looking for others who do too. If we wanted platonic friends, we wouldn't be looking for them on swinger sites.

We feel pretty similarly. We've developed some friends in the lifestyle, but it's fairly post-facto as things go. We don't get a lot of time to go out for swing related activities. We like to make the most of them when the opportunity arises. We're quite amenable to playing on the first date in part because of this, and we have a communication system with each other to subtly ask the other if it's all go before moving on to swapping.

[EagerCouple]

Great posts...thanks everyone I'll try to reply to all of them if my memory holds up, not necessarly in order though.

Yes looking for like minded couples but if we were not open and interested we would not consider it "like minded" so I would not say we are in that classification, we would play but we are still searching and I will say up front even though we do not plan to play on the first date it COULD happen but we are open minded..depends on the person or couple we never say NEVER BUT on the other hand we are not the wham bam thank you mam/sir type either.

We have more time now due to the fact we got some monkey's off our back in the form of real estate investments and building our home. No the children are still young and an elderly parent lives next door, 30ft away but still a connected hallway. We finally settled down and found some people we trust to sit into the wee hours (4-5am) so we finally can go to clubs.

If we were to play on the first date it would be if we had chatted with the couple by phone or on-line and got the priliminary stuff and getting to know out of the way first. I would think that's fair would you not ??

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by EagerCouple

We have more time now due to the fact we got some monkey's off our back in the form of real estate investments and building our home. No the children are still young and an elderly parent lives next door, 30ft away but still a connected hallway. We finally settled down and found some people we trust to sit into the wee hours (4-5am) so we finally can go to clubs.

We sure can relate to where your coming from.

Its hard to say without knowing your area, but it seems you would want to pursue the sub/social groups through what ever sites your using. More along the lines of a house party specializing in girl on girl action. We we're fortunate to find a group, Pleasures after dark. There were allot of women very accepting of Mrsfun and our limits in the beginning.

It takes time to get to know people and you'll just have to do that, take your time.

Good luck, hang in there....

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by EagerCouple

If we were to play on the first date it would be if we had chatted with the couple by phone or on-line and got the priliminary stuff and getting to know out of the way first. I would think that's fair would you not ??

I think its fair that you do what YOU want and makes you comfortable.

I don't think what you are talking about though is really needed or will make a difference.

You will learn more talking directly to a couple in 30 minutes than you will with chatting online, cam or not in hours.

We have talked to many couples on line which seemed good which were complete 'no' when we met them. Obviously its never worked out the other way because if they were 'no' on chats we didn't meet them but my guess is we most likely missed a few good ones because they were lousy online chatters.

I can't say I have a study on it but I'm willing to guess that the longer you wait to play the less chance you will end up playing. Despite the movies, sexual tension is NOT a good thing and will retard not aid in forming a friendship.

[EagerCouple]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I can't say I have a study on it but I'm willing to guess that the longer you wait to play the less chance you will end up playing. Despite the movies, sexual tension is NOT a good thing and will retard not aid in forming a friendship.

Yes I got to agree first hand on that. Not that when I say chat I say forever even our profile says "we are not looking for internet sex buddies". That is not what we are looking for but we do want to make a bit of contact so it's not a red flag NO.

We have had several instances already with couples just dragging it on and on. Makes you wonder if they are real or just in for the "excitement" and nothing else. Sure people do have responsibilities and with parenthood and work sometimes it's tough to schedule a meet between their conflicts and ours and we take that into account. We will do a few e-mails but after that we back off and try to schedule a meet, if after 2 weeks we can't do it then we move on. After trying too much it's just not fun anymore...

[Adam-n-Eve]

Originally Posted by EagerCouple

Wife has said she want's friends and then see what it leads to. I am tending to think that ain't going to happen....it's going to be meet up-hook up-see what it leads to!

I have found that swinging is a lot like dating; the patterns can be very similar. Most guys don't want to be friends with a woman in the hopes that he might be able to score at some point. He's in it for the sex. The guy wants to nail the girl, then see if it becomes more.

Swinging is (in my opinion) about sex. I know we're in it for the sex, and that's where we're going to put our efforts. If we become friends along the way with the people we meet, that's great -- but we're not out there to make friends, we're out there to have sex with people.

I don't know if we're the norm or not, but that's our approach. But, we could be in the minority.

[Adam-n-Eve]

Originally Posted by EagerCouple

We will do a few e-mails but after that we back off and try to schedule a meet, if after 2 weeks we can't do it then we move on. After trying too much it's just not fun anymore...

I think you have the right attitude here. Couples that won't meet after a couple of weeks are generally not really interested. Move on.

Just to give you an idea of what can be a red flag to us: we just decided to stop talking with a couple because all the emails said "I" and "me" instead of "we." It has us wondering if the mrs. knows what's going on. "I want to chat with you" and "tell me when and where." Creepy. Maybe it's innocent, but we sense a problem.

[EagerCouple]

Originally Posted by Adam-n-Eve

I think you have the right attitude here. Couples that won't meet after a couple of weeks are generally not really interested. Move on.

Just to give you an idea of what can be a red flag to us: we just decided to stop talking with a couple because all the emails said "I" and "me" instead of "we." It has us wondering if the mrs. knows what's going on. "I want to chat with you" and "tell me when and where." Creepy. Maybe it's innocent, but we sense a problem.

I agree, we got our first one this past weekend. Along with "hey will your wife do me too". Sounded more like some kid...We moved on. First time we had someone say something like that on a 2nd e-mail when the profile says we are not full swap. That's the easy stuff to deal with..but like this all started the others who SEEM real and just never meet up when given a lot of opportunity, that's the root problem and I guess not a problem since it seems common.

[ALilOEverything]

My question is how assertive is your wife, and how assertive is the wife of the other couples? I find my most successful experiences is where the other female is as assertive as myself. It seems like this would be even more imperative if g/g is more of the main focus. How much of a participant in the conversations is your wife? If she finds them attractive does she start flirting at all? Is the other female flirting? When your done with your initial meeting how do the goodbyes play out? Do you just shake hands? Give each other hugs? I really like it when the other couple give hugs, it tells me a lot. Hugs tell me they aren't afraid of physical contact. If they seem uncomfortable with a hug then how on earth are they going to be comfortable naked and giving pleasure. Pay close attention to body language, not just their's, but also yours. Don't forget to flirt with each other too, they want to know you're into each other. Make sure you always seem open and inviting.

I think conversation topics are important too. It's good to find common ground but once that's established talk about sex, that's why you're there! The more comfortable everyone is about talking about it the more of a chance everyone will be more comfortable with doing it. I always ask how they got into the lifestyle, what started it all. Talk about what excites you about it.

The most important thing is BE POSITIVE!!! Positive people are more sexy than negative ones anyday. You'll find your niche, you just need to keep your chin up!

Good Luck!

[SheLovesTheSun]

I have to agree with the others who say meet other couples at a club or party. I think that it's better that way because you know you'll meet someone face to face.
I think you're handling this the best way possible.
Good luck to you both.