Buyer's Remorse

[CuriousOKCpl]

This is a continuation of sorts of my other question, but its unrelated so I thought I'd start a new thread.

As previously stated, my wife and I are just in the thinking and talking stages of exploring the lifestyle. We have more questions than anything right now and we've done a lot of reading and researching and most importantly talking amongst ourselves about the matter. What bothers us, what turns us on, what we think we could and couldn't do.........etc.

One thing that I thought of, and turns out she thought of it as well, is has anyone ever experienced "buyers remorse" after entering the lifestyle? By that I mean, did you go into it, think it out carefully, consider all the possibilities but finally decide to take the leap, only to regret it afterwards? I guess our concern is that we'll get caught up in the moment and do things but then later after its over, after the fire is out, we'll wish we hadn't done it. This is really a harder question to ask than I thought. So maybe another way to think about it is this: Did you ever get to the point that you were 100% OK with the idea of doing it, all your questions were answered, everything talked about and everything looked good to go, but then after you went, you looked back and said "well, we weren't ready and I wish we'd not done that"?

I think our biggest fear is that we'll end up taking the plunge for the experience and then it will do some irreparable harm to our marriage because we weren't ready or it wasn't really for us. Neither one of us has anything in mind specifically that could do that, but an example might be something like me looking over at her while she's with another man and see the look in her eye that I thought only *I* could give her and being crushed. I don't know, seems kind of silly, but best example off the top of my head.

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

but an example might be something like me looking over at her while she's with another man and see the look in her eye that I thought only *I* could give her and being crushed. I don't know, seems kind of silly, but best example off the top of my head.

Not sure how to answer really, but I do think its worth pointing out that this is almost certain to happen. If the point isnt to enjoy sex, then there is no point. So the goal pretty much has to be to WANT to experience this. In the end, sex is physical. The connection you guys have that no one else can give her cant be something you can read in an expression. If you go in with that insecurity, you will definitely be finding yourself in a tough situation.

I have no illusions that there are a million other guys who will be better in bed than me and there is a good chance that Mrs. Mix will happen across one (hell, I HOPE so for her sake!) I cant get into the female mind, but I suppose the same fear maybe exists for women also (not sure if women have the same type of "performance anxiety" that would hit men).

One thing you can do is start out very soft. Start with just being with each other in front of another couple. See if you can handle that. Then maybe move to some light touching, or what have you. There is no "wrong" here. Exploring your comfort levels is a huge part of this.

As long as you are totally honest with each other up front and have strong communication, I think the chance of total disaster is very small. If one person isnt being honest or the relationship has genuine problems you arent seeing and/or acknowledging, the chance of disaster is very high.

[2aussies]

I think mixtupcpl hit the nail on the head in their last paragraph. Our first time with another couple was a disaster because we made every newbie mistake you can think of (I've written a story about this, it's in Curious About swinging, you may be able to find it) but we had made a pact before we went in that whatever happened once we walked out of the room we would still be a couple and normal life would resume. We were still able to laugh about it on the way home, and we've had some experiences since that have made us glad we stuck with it. Even if one of us has made a mistake and gone over our boundaries we've still been together enough to get over it.

[Alura]

My ol' Pappy was fond of saying, "Shouladones don't count," Curious. The best thing one can do for a case of "buyers remorse" is put it behind you and get on with your life. Put on an old Eagles' hit and "Get over it!"

Alura

[bbarnsworth]

Assuming you've fully discussed everything, you're on the same page, you know what your boundaries are and you both stay within them, having buyer's remorse is potentially just part of the landscape...and this applies to EVERYTHING in life.

You can spend time researching stuff for a new car. You can test drive a dozen different cars. You can talk to actual owners of the car you're interested in. You can visit the dealership many times over. But, none of this will prepare you for how you will feel about the car six months down the road, because none of it has anything to do with how you will react to the car in six months. Same goes for house buying.

You can't know everything in advance. You just can't. If the fear of the unknown is a legitimate fear that prevents you from acting on things, then you are doomed to a life with nothing new in it for the rest of your life. For me, that's a life of boredom. Your mileage may vary.

My wife and I discussed this very thing. Once you walk over the bridge, you can't walk back. You've engaged in consensual extra-marital sex. There's no 'undo'; you've done it. For us, we decided that if the first experience was neutral, or even moderately bad, we'd try again and maybe a couple of more times after that. If it was remaining neutral or bad, we'd give it up and move on with a vanilla life.

I'm very glad we decided this. The first few times with us were fairly neutral, or somewhat good. It was fun, but nothing extraordinary. Then there was this one particular single guy that set her on fire, and she had fantastic sex with him. It was after that she said she was sold on swinging, and wanted to keep swinging. Me too

Yes, you might react negatively to seeing an expression of ecstasy on your wife's face, put there by another man. You might feel pangs of jealousy hearing your wife moan as another man is fucking her. Only you can judge that, and only you can judge if that is something you're willing to contend with well enough to engage in swinging.

For us, we knew that if we did give up swinging, especially after bad experiences, that we'd still be a couple and we were strong enough in our relationship that we'd get back to happy in short order, if there was an unhappy to get back from (which we doubted would be the case).

[CuriousOKCpl]

Great advice everyone and you've all said pretty much what's been running through my head all along. You just won't know until you get there. I"m very big on doing everything I can do to prepare myself for a decision and then running with it and not looking back. I've bought cars, houses, etc that months later I thought "Well, hell, if I'd known that I'd not gone this route", but then I brushed it aside and thought about all the good things about it that I DO like. I feel the same way about this. Should we ever choose to go down this road, I know we will have hashed it out frontways, backways and sideways and we will BOTH be ready to go. If it works, it works, but I can't see anything happening in that bedroom that will make me leave feeling like we're not still a couple. I'm not saying I'm going to like it all and jealousy is a big part of it for both of us, but we're a strong couple and I think we can overcome anything that may happen in this scenario.

Like I've told her, I love for her to feel good. I LOVE making her feel good, if letting her experience another man will make her feel good, then I'm all for it. I just want to make sure I"m mentally prepared to deal with what I might see when that happens.

Thanks again for the advice and stories. This all helps as we work our way through this.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

Like I've told her, I love for her to feel good. I LOVE making her feel good, if letting her experience another man will make her feel good, then I'm all for it. I just want to make sure I"m mentally prepared to deal with what I might see when that happens.

One of my greatest pleasures is making my wife happy. That doesn't mean that I sacrifice myself utterly and completely to her every whim and desire of course; she couldn't respect me then. It does mean we walk together and work towards our mutual happiness.

We both realized that swinging wasn't going to harm our relationship. CHEATING is what harms relationships, not sex (not that you swing to avoid cheating...bad idea). I've always gotten a big kick out of my wife having a good time sexually, whether it's just the two of us or with other people. If we both didn't respond that we, we'd just choose to do something else. Easy. We didn't cheat on each other; we walked together.

Another poster here noted to his wife (trying to remember the exact quote) "When you're having sex with another man, I'm making love to you using his body" There's a lot of truth in that; allowing your wife to enjoy sex from another man is a gift from you to her. So long as the gift is respected, and you are treated with love, kindness and togetherness with her, there really isn't much to be worried about. You and her can both relish the wonderful time she is having. And it really is wonderful! That first time with a single guy that finally clicked with my wife was a beautiful thing. It was sooo enjoyable watching them fuck each other.

[JustAskJulie]

Things are likely to happen that you wish hadn't happened, maybe one of you goes a little further than the other was comfortable with, maybe a situation arises that you hadn't thought of before. When that happens you just have to be able to talk about it and then put it behind you. Discuss what you want to happen the next time that situation arises, what about it made one or both of you uncomfortable, why you wish it hadn't happened, etc. If you can do that together, you'll be able to move past it. What will cause serious remorse is if you can't talk about it and you end up building up issues between you.

[SecretAsianMan]

It's okay to feel a bit of "buyers remorse" from time to time if you discover that it's not for you after trying it out.

Or if y'all start to feel jealous that your partner is experiencing something with someone new that you wish you could do for 'em. That's normal. Usually I get past that & am just happy to see my partner (physically) having such a wonderful time ... knowing that emotionally she'll always come back to me and loves me for letting her enjoy herself so.

There really is nothing short of always have open communication between y'all ... talk about the experience before & after. Discuss any feelings or insecurities (it was really great seeing you do "such-and-such" ... it made me uncomfortable when "this" happened... etc.) and decide if y'all want to try it again and what y'all can do next time to make it better.

[CuriousOKCpl]

I think communication is the real key here. I keep hearing that over and over, but I know it all too well. Its something we are totally into right now and something fairly new to us, the fact that we openly communicate like we do now. We don't hold back at all any more. The best part is that the more we do that, the more we see the positive affects and it keeps getting easier to do.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

Like I've told her, I love for her to feel good. I LOVE making her feel good, if letting her experience another man will make her feel good, then I'm all for it. I just want to make sure I"m mentally prepared to deal with what I might see when that happens.

Lots of great advice here, but one thing I think might be important for you to hear is that it's not really going to be possible for you to know how you're going to feel about your wife being with another man until you actually see it. You can know in your head that you think it's a good thing, that it's hot etc., but until you are in the moment there is no way to know for sure how you're going to feel about it.

If it interests you to the point that you're here and you and she are talking openly and frequently about it then it's probably worth taking the plunge and just going with it. See what happens. Just because you do it once doesn't mean it has to turn into 'who you are'.

[socolais]

I think "buyer's remorse" is very close to "failed expectations". Is swinging going to live up to your (both) expectations? If we expect swinging to be a fun opportunity to explore fresh sexual experiences and share that excitement with each other, then remorse is less likely. Half of the responsibility for a good time belongs to the other couple or however many folks are involved. You are likely to encounter folks that are not sexually compatible with yall - for whatever reason. You are also likely to encounter stable, mature folks that are looking for the same kind of fun you are.

If you go into each opportunity with no more expectation than to have some fun, you're more likely to find fun. Even bad sex is not too bad with the right attitude.

[lookingfornow]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

I'm very big on doing everything I can do to prepare myself for a decision and then running with it and not looking back.

I think there is some danger in trying too hard to "prepare" one's self for the initial experience. Like you, DW and I tried hard to learn as much as we could about "things" before our first experience. As a result, we almost tried to direct interaction and events to meet our preconception of how events should unfold based upon our studies. While we liked our initial play partners a lot, the resulting play time was somewhat less entertaining than I think everyone was hoping for (us included). So unfulfilling was the experience that we almost decided not to play again.

Luckily, we decided to take the plunge again--only this time with a take it as it comes sort of attitude. We were contacted by a second couple and decided to meet with them on the spur of the moment. We had the absolutely best time. The moral of the story to us--swinging is something best done instinctually (with little or no planning or expectations).

Now, I don't mean that you should not communicate fully and completely between yourselves regarding comfort zones, rules, etc. Those sorts of things should be fully discussed and committed to well in advance of any attempts at playing.

As to "buyer's remorse," there is no question that a number of couples play for a while and then decide, for a variety or reasons, to stop playing or significantly curtail their activities. I think that very few couples have the type of buyer's remorse that seems to concern you--the type resulting in irreparable harm to the marriage. Marriages harmed in this fashion by swinging were damaged goods well before swinging entered the scene.

However, buyer's remorse comes in other forms. For example, we had buyer's remorse with our first experience, but it was very much a case of self inflicted buyer's remorse now that we look back at it with substantially more experience under our belt. In our experience, the greater source of buyer's remorse comes from ill-advised decisions by one partner or another to "take one for the team" in deciding to play with a particular couple. Once you make the decision to play, make sure you are each comfortable with the "who" as well as the activity.

[CuriousOKCpl]

Originally Posted by lookingfornow

I think there is some danger in trying too hard to "prepare" one's self for the initial experience. Like you, DW and I tried hard to learn as much as we could about "things" before our first experience. As a result, we almost tried to direct interaction and events to meet our preconception of how events should unfold based upon our studies.

I couldn't agree more. In fact we've already got a rule of sorts for our sex life now. NO pre-planning activities. Its' fun to tease each other and talk about what we're going to do when we finally get home from work, or alone or whatever, but we learned long ago that trying to predetermine what the evening was going to be about just made sex boring and sometimes stressful. So we just go with the flow and see what develops. I can see us taking this exact attitude with swinging should we ever take that first step.

[BamaRide]

hmmm kinda like 'Outback' .... No rules... just right!

BamaRide