Buyer's Remorse

[Karmickiss]

Hi All,
Wow....another one that makes me think, and recall some things....just the title alone, made me think of my marriage. I got married very young, to someone who was my "best friend", and he well knew that I was into the idea of swinging then. He could not for the life of him, "see" why and wondered if there was something "wrong" with me, seriously thinking I may be a "nympho-maniac" undercover, somehow truly mentally ill. I decided for a good long while it would never work out(swinging), he was just too jealous, and it made him angry to even talk about.
So, you can imagine my surprize, when he brought a work buddy home with him one night, introducing me to him, and saying, "This is so and so, and he and his wife swing". I was totally caught off gaurd, he was a nice guy, open, and when he talked about his feelings and experience, my exH was all ears, as if hearing it for the first time, and he basically told the guy we would probably "do it", and to talk to his wife about meeting us.
Of course, I questioned him...a lot. Why now? How could all those deeply held feelings against the subject be suddenly swayed? If we did this kind of thing, would he talk about his feelings, and tell me if he changed his mind again, immediately! He insisted insisted, and insisted.
Like I said, that guy he brought home was a sweetheart, and so was his wife. This is ironically, right before I actually identified as bi-sexual, and was certainly new to swinging, but I really liked and believed in the idea it could enhance a marriage, not break it, if done well, if both were totally upfront and interested.
So, then the pressure began. He really wanted to swing with this couple, but when I asked him why, what he liked about the situation, what did he expect...etc...the answers were kind of vague. I ran into a problem, b/c as nice as the guy was, for whatever reason, I didn't feel comfortable..and I didn't like the idea then, that I felt already obligated, and that I couldn't be a part of choosing who it would be with. Maybe it made me more closed, but I stated that, if we began doing this, we should both be a part of an active process. He was upset about his couple, and I told him he could totally "still go for it"with the woman, and his friend, if he felt like that. I [I]sincerely[I] told him he could. But it was a no go then for him. However we went ahead, and did everything we could do(so I thought at the time, but had we had a place like this to come to, to ask questions and prepare, things may have turned out very differently)at the time, to ensure the best experience, with least possible problems....I made sure we talked it to death, actually, still suspicious about the sudden turn around in him.
We gave it a go, and over time, it got worse. My ex was obviously starting to fall apart somehow, and he couldn't seem to communicate it. Ultimately, the marriage ended, due to lack of commiunication altogether. He went straight into really blaming me for my 'sexual appetite'...and though he was totally into it it seemed at the time, he started twisting things in a way that it seemed like I took him along for a forced ride, during which, he started having negative feeling and anger towards me. The thing is, in this case, he was unable to come clean about his true feelings...this is evidenced unfortunately to this day, unfortunate for the kids, but another story.
It was a sad end, but I think the problem really was not swinging itself, but a lack of communication, even when talked to death. In the end, he was like a closeted person, who alternately loved then hated his own nature, which made it impossible for him to see others truthfully too. I will take full responsibility in some newbie mistakes, I'm sure, as well. I also have to take responsibility for not listening to that nagging voice inside of me, that it probably wasn't a good idea after all, and considering prior attitude, was doomed from the get go.
Very long story shorter, I think as long as the relationship is healthy, and we listen to that intuitive voice, that we can at least expect to be able to overcome together, what ever troubles might arise. I've enjoyed what everyone else has so far posted about this, I like the positive attitudes and honesty here. I say "we" as if I were with someone, but I'm single right now. However, now if I have even a little bit of a "gut feeling" that it could potentially harm, I wouldn't do it. I feel like the advice here is very good, about going slow, and keeping a close note of what feelings arise. Good luck and fun...karmic

[BiloxiCouple]

If I understood the OP's original question of "buyer's remorse" correctly, then this probably isn't the best place to ask that kind of question. My reasoning is that if anyone has actually had buyer's remorse about the lifestyle, then they are probably not visiting a swinger's website.

Yep, you'll get advice about communication and not trying to force another person into the lifestyle.

[ncmd_couple]

Karmic,

Another possibility is that your ex-husband put you two in this situation hoping that you would quickly reject the possibility of swinging. What he couldn't handle was that you really did want to do it and were ok with it under the right circumstances. But as you say, that is ancient history.

S

[Karmickiss]

Hi ncmd_couple,
Actually, I think that was probably one huge unsaid factor on his part. That's a really good insight, actually, and I'm glad you took the time to voice the immediate thoughts you had.
It's always hardest to see the apple on my own head sometimes! I'm sure this was a big possibility, and fits on many levels, looking back. I am glad it's ancient history though...big grins...I have so many things to be grateful for...living and then actually learning a bit, is invaluable and a bonus... Best, karmic

[CuriousOKCpl]

Karmic, thanks for sharing your story with us. I think your situation was different than ours, totally, but it is great to hear other stories and different perspectives. Thanks!

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by CuriousOKCpl

I think communication is the real key here. I keep hearing that over and over, but I know it all too well. Its something we are totally into right now and something fairly new to us, the fact that we openly communicate like we do now. We don't hold back at all any more. The best part is that the more we do that, the more we see the positive affects and it keeps getting easier to do.

Communication is the key. I'm glad that you two are able to talk to each other, but you also need to listen to each other and be totally honest. I'm sure you've read it here and also knew that anyway.

I can't remember what thread it was in, but someone had a chance to come clean about what they really wanted to their wife because she was open to listening to his fantasies/wanting to swing. He lied to her about it because it made him seem like a freak or a pervert. (Actually, I don't remember what it was he was looking for, but it didn't seem freaky or perverted to me.) He totally lost his nerve after that and could never admit what he was really wanting.

I was seriously sad for him because he couldn't be honest. We all hope that's part of married communication since we talk to our spouses all the time, I know I had a problem at first talking with my husband. We were honest with each other, but it was tough.

Good Luck. It sounds like you have pretty much everything in place.

[deanncat]

I can say, this was me (wife) and even after are first time (this weekend, finally)I think I could be wondering this with second time even third, I kept thinking he would think i'm used now or look at me different, but when your in them moment and the pleasure is there thats all you think about and you as well i'm sure, so you can't regret that, you look at your wife with love and she you and when you swing its just about enjoy the pleasure, thats what I just realized this weekend, explore all option you might feel out loud with your wife but don't over think it, thats what I learned this weekend are first time took me 3years to mmf and it was awsome, when man left we did it again, made it even better, this was not really a planed situation, got a babysitter and didn't even say it out loud we were going to swing tonight untill we were home, it all came together and I would say it was pretty mellow first time, but it was lots of fun and we both look foreward to making time to do it again. This is just how if work for us I think we just got tiried of research and over thinking it and did it and if we hated it talk about it and would of said ok we got a t-shirt no more, lucky enough it was fun and will need more t-shirts, LOL, good luck

[wisxxxfun69]

If you are worried about the aftermath, that alone tells me your not ready...Be careful.

[socolais]

Originally Posted by wisxxxfun69

If you are worried about the aftermath, that alone tells me your not ready...Be careful.

I understand the logic there, but I think it's not entirely accurate. One of the issues with long term monogamous couples contemplating swinging is that it is almost impossible to predict how we'll feel about the swap after it's all over. There are way too many "what ifs" and situations that are not necessarily "beginner friendly" for anyone to have a prepared plan in response to the possible situations. Exciting pillow-talk has no correlation with reality. I think it's smart to be concerned about the aftermath - at least concerned enough to try to prepare for common potential situations.

I remember the first time I held my wife in my arms and watched another man penetrate her (I think that was like our third or fourth house party). A sudden feeling rushed through my mind - not necessarily uncomfortable, but at least unfamiliar. I could have called it quits right there. We could have dressed and left the party. But instead, I concentrated on the pleasure my wife was enjoying. I got pleasure from her pleasure. I'm glad that event happened the way it did because that was the point where I really understood that all this is just for fun and an exciting way we can share our love for each other.

I think the only reasonable advice is that the couple needs to progress at a comfortable pace, be able to "press through" any negative emotions that may arise and make a pact with each other that swinging is just an experiment and whatever the outcome, there will be no fault levied or hard feelings about each other. You go into this as a team and all benefits and faults belong to the team. Stop the play immediately if there is a concern, and the issue gets full attention from the team.

"No, always means no" and that includes whether the experiment gets another attempt or not.

[mixtupcpl]

Yeah... I totally agree with the above. I think it would be unusual to honestly have no doubts, questions or worries going in.

Talking about the fact that you have worries and being honest with each other and creating a safe zone where there will be no blame by either person if it turns out the comfort isnt there is what is key.

I would say this is why it is definitely important that both people be completely honest with *themselves* and make sure (do some introspection) that they arent just "going along". You have to know that if it turns out to be something you absolutely hate that you can take ownership of that as a decision you made for yourself and not project fault onto your partner. Once both people are at that point, then I think you are as ready as you can ever really be.

[Elena]

I think I understand what you mean and it goes with what my wife and I talked about before we began too. One thing I found that was great was after we met with a couple we would start the fantasy if we liked them, which was great sex for us. Then when we finally had sex with that couple, I watched them a little, and she watched me and the female a little, then when we got home we alked about it and had GREAT sex! But the important thing was if I seen my wife reacting to a guy a certain way, and she never reacted to ME that way, I fought down the jealousy and asked her about it. "hey how come you reacted that way last night when he was doing such and such?" and she would look at me and simply say because when he did that, he did it this way (and would describe it to me). We both realized that though I please my wife, I dont know every way to do something..... The simplest manuever done a different way gets a new result.... SO, this has led to MANY new ways for us to have a great time together!!

Moral, dont think just because SHE reacts differently to a guy means YOUR doing something wrong sir! Discuss it and try it out if she liked it, and the same goes for her! That IS why most of us swing isnt it, to have a good time together?

[Karmickiss]

HI All!
I just had to come back to this thread, and have to say I'm really impressed with so many of the posts on this! This is one of the biggest reasons I like to come here...there's so much to see/learn from others, and great to share experience(s) and feelings about them.
I love what mixtupcple said about owning the decision, that's kind of what went on with my example of my young marriage, but that was really like a bad/worst case scenario, but taught me so much, that in that case my past is my best asset at times!
I really am so impressed, I mean seriously, to read what Elena wrote. Just to hear a man talk about how he was feeling(maybe a little vulnerable, don't want to put in my own words, though) about his wife's experience. I'm just sitting here thinking, wow...if only everyone could be that honest when feeling a tough feeling coming up! If I were the wife in that situation, I'd be thrilled to death he asked me about it. And very honestly, everyone is a little different, and you learn more and more about those things as you go on...and the best way sometimes is to ask. Sometimes it is so simple as another angle, intensity shifting according to where you are at...etc..etc..and to ask and then incooperate that and not take it in a hurtful way, is a glorious thing
I think it's prescisely little things like that that could be potential issues building up over time...and it's refreshing to hear about that particular situation, b/c that's what it's all about, for me...communication and being able to not jump to conclusions about anything.
So good to read from everyone, Best Wishes, karmic

[CuriousOKCpl]

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this. Its been a great help to us. We're finally moving past this point and feel that this is no longer a real issue for us. I mean, its something to take seriously and you never know how you're going to feel until you're there, but we both believe that the most important thing for us to do is to talk about EVERYTHING we feel and talk through it all. We keep doing that, even though we've yet to take any true steps towards swinging. It has made for some great fantasies and great sex though.

[fun4Ds]

I think your gettin it

Buyer's Remorse, is best handled with Buyer's awareness.....

[couplers]

Of course I would never have known, but the biggest remorse would have been if we never tried it.