She is curious, I have questions

[Rackir]

Hiya Sealovers.

I think you've been given some great advice here that’s probably spot on. I'd like to offer a slightly different take though, it's probably not the right advice for you but since everyone handles things differently it may be a helpful perspective.

Lighten up. It's sex and it's fun.

It sounds like you are pretty "in your head" right now, and that’s a great place to find fear and insecurity to get in the way of an otherwise really enjoyable experience. If your wife and you both think this experience would be fun, why not give it a try and see? Since the lines of communication between seem to be pretty wide open, odds are it wont do any irreparable harm to give this a shot.

If you try it, and find the jealous feelings inhibit your good time, then you know it's not for you yet.

If you try it and find the sexiness of the whole thing completely overwhelms any other feelings, then you know you are in the right place.

As long as your wife and you are communicating freely and without inhibition, then I suspect you are pretty well insulated from any lasting harm. You don't have to be perfect or be in a perfect relationship to enjoy swinging, you just need open communication, a sense of perspective (it's just sex) and a willingness to go and have raunchy fun sex with other people.

as I said, this may not be the right advice for you but it sounds like you have plenty of reasons to hesitate already. I just wanted to give a word or two from a different view.

Whatever you choose just be sure it's what you and your partner really want, and be sure you both fully understand the others reasonings.

[interested-05]

jealousy is primarily about fear, it is there and it can only be dealt with over time... you do need to be honest with her if you are ever going to seriously consider swinging. And hiding what you feel keeps a wall between you.
now for the nitty gritty, it takes time to adjust your way of thinking, and it may take a very long time. take everything one step at a time and you will have to agree to go only at the same level as your partner.
It can be done but it will not be easy. She brought it up because she is interested, you need to go back and tell her, you know it isnt esy for me to admit it, but I have those feelings too. Share this board with her, talk about the questions you see others ask and work your way of thinking thru the issues that concern either one of you. when you are ready go slow taking it one step at a time.
your jealousy will only subside when you are really in unison with your spouse, and you no longer have the nagging fears you have now

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by interested-05

jealousy is primarily about fear, it is there and it can only be dealt with over time... you do need to be honest with her if you are ever going to seriously consider swinging. And hiding what you feel keeps a wall between you.

I know calling jealousy a fear reaction is the current pop-psychology rage but I think its not true in terms of sexual jealousy.

Thats a far more primal and basic reaction. The first time Mrs. Chicup played with someone else I had absolutely no fear of her leaving, or having a better time sexually, or whatever. It was simply a primitive and powerful feeling.

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by sealovers

I honestly appreciate your replies ! Thank you guys !
I guess I do need to be extremely honest with her and talk straight and clear.
In the bottom of my confused soul, I guess there's a stupid fear that she might do this by herself if I declare my jealousy issue. Something like "-Hey, it's your fantasy too, right ?".
During some rough time we had some months ago, some day, after sex, we discussed about swinging again and she said that maybe this would be a good way to test our relationship, our feelings. I thought and still think that this is a very wrong way to test a relationship. Later she agreed with this. Since then, our relationship changed very much for the good but I'm still not ready to plunge into this. I did tell her a few times that I would like to find a place for amateur streeptease (not exactly in our city) to see how we both feel after that. This is something I would be ok with for now. I guess this would be also a good way to test my "issues"

sealover,
There are no stupid fears, and your jealousy issue is not stupid either. It's really good you are considering these questions, but as you do don't be too hard on yourself about how you feel, or judge yourself. I find your post refreshing, I have seen enough new people post here that are so full of themselves, they say "Oh no-I'm not jealous!"... only to watch them crash and burn 6 to 30 pages later.

Being aware of your jealousy is the first step in dealing with it! I have even seen veterian swingers have jealousy issues come up in certain contexts, its being aware if that does come up that makes dealing with these feelings possible. And like all feelings, we feel what we feel -and how we feel is OK! However, it is how we act on and what we learn about those feelings when they come up that is important.

So how do you "do" jealousy? Do you withdraw and brood and sulk? Or do you start breaking chairs over peoples heads??

Also - do you know what triggers your jealousy??

If some swinging guy/girl wants to fuck my partner, and she wants to fuck them -I get off on that! But if some guy or girl has a hidden agenda of taking some swingers partner away and fall in love with them and ride into the sunset (which won't work with a real swinging couple) then that will trigger jealousy or anger issues for even the most experience swinger.

Also, sometimes just because you are paranoid does not mean someone is not after you. So did you lie to your wife because your jealousy is telling you something only you could know about your situation or your wife? You hinted at that you know.

There is "rational" jealousy and "irrational" jealousy, the same as fears. If your jealousy is a ghost of your own insecurities, that's one thing. But if something is actually going on externally that is provoking anxiety for you, that's another. Only you can know which is which, and you may not be able to sort all that out until you and your wife can discuss all your concerns, fears, jealousy's and fantasies openly and honestly.

In swinging, the couples absolute commitment to each other -their assurance of total inseperability-is what controls feelings of jealousy and allows the couple to discuss and work past those feelings and fears. It takes a LOT of work to get there, but beyond fear is freedom.

Testing yourself and your issues is OK! Exploring your jealousy by talking about them and lightly seeing what contexts bring jealousy up -short of swinging -is OK! ...but DO NOT test the relationship until you know you are both on the exact same page, have total faith in each other, and can discuss your fears as well as your fantasies!

As in music, "If you can't sing it, you can't play it."

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Thats a far more primal and basic reaction. The first time Mrs. Chicup played with someone else I had absolutely no fear of her leaving, or having a better time sexually, or whatever. It was simply a primitive and powerful feeling.

Nature ot nurture?

Yeah, I know what you mean Chicup, I had a similar experience. I think there are both nature and nurture components though, it is one of the most complex emotions and has been one of the most constant focuses of a lot of literature over the centuries. For me, it felt a bit like a phobic thing, and desensitization in a supportave environment is what helped me with that aspect of jealousy. But there were other aspects as well, my own insecurities in my case, and those for me were trickier to deal with.

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by Sunswept

Nature ot nurture?
.

Of course any answers here can only be considered speculation as there is no objective measure, but I think this is a really interesting question.

Personally, I would make the case for nature. Men are programmed to preserve their own block of genetic code. This bit of programming results in something of a contradiction, but one which does make sense.

Men are simultaneously driven (on a primal level), to spread their genetic material as far and wide as possible, but also to prevent other males from spreading theirs. So basically, you "lay claim" to as many women as possible, and react negatively when other males move in (what we term "jealousy")

I suspect that monogamy and "marriage" were very early societal developments and stemmed from the reality of our gestation period, and the development time of our offspring. Higher order thinking is a big influence here. Because we rely on our brain to survive, it takes a very long time for a human to be self sufficient. We need protection for *years*. Also, we are strongest when we band together. I think early man at some point chose protecting their offspring and ensuring their survival over "spreading the seed".

The really interesting part is that some of this behavioral evolution can be observed in certain lower primates as well.

Now HOW FAR off topic is THIS tangent?!

[Chicup]

Sexual jealousy would be nature.

Men who were not jealous and didn't guard their females from sex with other males simply would have less children because of it. Rather classic genetics, and pretty standard in many animals.

[Additude]

Is it jealousy?

or fear?

I think it's fear your interpreting as jealousy.

Work on the fear part first....then see if you have any jealousy left over.