First time, considering a close friend

[Adadls]

Hey all,

I am sure this has been asked before, but my wife and I have been married for about 5 years now, and we have a solid and amazing relationship. She has always been on the "conservative" side with sex, but occasionally she has breakthroughs where she will astound and amaze me, (i.e. with oral sex, which she said she will never do, or anal, etc). A couple of days ago, I suggested during one of our make-out times a MMF threesome. I would love to do this, have always wanted to, and I feel secure enough in our relationship that nothing will happen with the other guy. Well she responded that she is willing to try it, and the more we talk about it, and set rules and guidelines, the more she is getting into it. The thing is, we are not comfortable doing it with a stranger, and I have a friend who I am close to (in a non-sexual way, really not interested in bi-love or anything like that), that is, at least I believe, mature enough to handle this and not let anything funny happen. We three are all pretty close as it is, we have played strip poker before and just had some fun, but we, or I at least in this case, have never suggested going any further. I admit to feeling some jealousy as we talk about it, but it's something that I can reason myself through and eventually talk myself into understanding. This guy and I are like brothers, and when I asked him about it, he said to make sure that the trust was between my wife and myself before trying anything, because it will be a huge issue between us otherwise. Well, now that I made this way longer than it needs to be, I guess I can get down to my question. Should we do this? I mean I feel that we are cool with it, and if anything my wife and I have gotten much closer just talking about this. Should we do this with my friend? He's someone I trust implicitly as well, and I am sure that some intimacy has to happen between him and her, but I am comfortable with that. And finally because it is with my friend, where does it stop? For example, should we enjoy this and do this multiple times with him, I really don't want him becoming the "other husband" if you know what I mean. Really sorry to make this such a long post, but I really would like for all the details to be out there so everyone can give an honest opinion. Thanks all!

[TNT]

First.... to the Board.

Now to your question.

Playing with a friend is not something that you will find is recommended. The main thing you need to know is that the dynamics of the relationship WILL change. There is no way it can't...you've introduce sex into the equation.

How it changes will be determined by how strong the friendship is...it will either ruin the friendship or it's possible that the friendship will remain intact with an added dimension to it. Either way it WILL change.

You first need to decide how important the friendship is...how much will it effect you if you lose it? You also need to think about what happens if you don't lose the friendship...where will things go from here?

One of the main differences in swinging with friends and swinging with those that you've met specifically for swinging is that with friends there are emotions involved. Most of us love our close vanilla friends to some degree or another and emotions being involved makes sex a bit different...even if it's just a friendship type of emotion.

We have played with vanilla friends and things have turned out great. However, there are numerous people here on the board who have also played with vanilla friends and things have not turned out so great.

Even though our experiences have been great it's NOT something we recommend, especially for those who are just thinking about and/or just getting started in swinging.

Originally Posted by Adadls

I admit to feeling some jealousy as we talk about it, but it's something that I can reason myself through and eventually talk myself into understanding. This guy and I are like brothers, and when I asked him about it, he said to make sure that the trust was between my wife and myself before trying anything, because it will be a huge issue between us otherwise.

If you are feeling jealous in any way, this is definitely something that needs to be discussed more...whether you decide to play with your friend or someone you meet just for playing. Jealousy is not good when it comes to swinging.

Your friend is right...you and your wife need to make sure there is total trust between the two of you before you go any further in swinging. If you do not have total trust and honesty between you and your wife, things will not go good.

Take a bit of time to explore the board more. There are many topics here with great discussions and advice. Bring your wife here with you and you two read together. I promise reading the board will give you loads of things to think about and discuss between yourselves, as well as giving you a better understanding of what swinging is all about.


Teresa

[The Fuse]

Brava to TNT for her wonderful advice. Go Teresa!

[truckerbuddy]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Brava to TNT for her wonderful advice. Go Teresa!

WOW What can you say after that?? way to go TNT,

[realcplub2]

Well Said Teresa,

I would like to ask/pffer, that you and your wife have a quiet, serious conversation about this, far from the bedroom. Over dinner... Without the hormones running rampant.

Your other factor in this is, Who your wife might consider a excellent selection. Remember it may be your fantasy, but its HER BODY. And Her mind connected to it. She has to mentally accept the evening and live with it long afterwards, just as you do.

[Additude]

Doing it with friends is a tough decision.

It can go good or it can go bad. Be sure you have considered all the options you can think of first....including loosing your best friend.

One suggestion, being as you said you have already talked to your friend about it would be to have this kind of a conversation between the three of you, all together, all at the same time.

Lay the cards out on the table....see if it is a win-win and that everyone is on the same page, hears and understands the rules and concerns of engagement.

I think that's the best approach if you decide to go forward with it.

[ERICANDANN1]

I have to agree with most when I say that finding a close friend as a person for a threesome generally is not the best of ideas. Very few can do that and get away with it without having issues in the future. Our first threesome experience MFM was with a close friend of mine (Male Half). We have been best friends for about 15 years. When it first happened it was weird, awkward, and all kinds of emotions from jealousy to I can't believe this is happening occurred. It all worked out in the end but, I have found through a lot of research and talking to people that a threesome with a close friend often times leads to disaster. It would be best to find someone that you both like and go for it as a 1 time thing with a stranger that way there won't be future issues.

[Adadls]

First off, Thanks all for responding and giving your advice. My wife seems most comfortable with this guy, and based off of when they have talked, she tells me that he is very cool about it, no pressure, etc. My wife and I have talked this subject to death, and I know we still have to talk about it much more before we do it. It still won't happen for about 2 months, but it pretty much takes up the entire day of conversation. My friend and I have talked about it a lot as well, and now my wife and my friend are talking about it, just the two of them as well. She has had a lot of barriers to break through on this one, and I have been very careful not to push and let her go her own pace. And I must say, regardless of if this happens or not, I have never felt closer to her than this. I am learning much about myself and her in the process, and am finally learning to trust her implicitly, it's a very good feeling. We all three are supposed to have a sit down now and talk about it some, you know, setting the rules and all. I guess we all feel that nothing weird would happen. I mean I know there's a huge risk, but like my wife says, if it was going to happen, with him it wouldn't be such a big deal. I guess another thing that I forgot to add earlier was that he has never done anything sexual with any girl (except strip poker :P). Now I know this adds another dynamic to the whole issue of a threesome. She feels more comfortable knowing that he is inexperienced and that he won't have any expectations, but she also feels bad being his first. I feel bad because I am putting him in a weird position, but I feel good because I am not threatened by him sexually at least. Obviously we still have a lot to talk about, and I am still not sure I am going to go through with it, but I certainly appreciate all the advice and thanks a lot TNT for your post in particular, it kept my wife and I up all night talking about it :P lol. I know the relationship is going to change, and I will admit that's what worries me the most about this, I love them both very much, and sure this will add more excitement to our lives, but I am not sure it's worth giving up either or both of them because of my jealousy or something else we haven't thought of.

[Adadls]

Also one more point! He lives far away, and we are just going for a visit, so again if things don't work out, it's kinda like "no biggie". But I know there's still our friendship at stake. Again, thanks all!

[NCfuncouple98]

Teresa gave some great advice, and I hope you really do read it more than once and take it to heart.

You'll find some have had good experiences with friends, some were not so good.

Our first experience was MFM with my husband's best friend of 20 years - he and his wife have been swingers for a few years, he was visiting from out of state. It was absolutely amazing, and no one had any regrets. (His wife was also fully aware).

So for our second experience we chose another friend, that we were good friends with, though my friendship with him was always closer than he and my husband's. It was an absolute disaster, and the friendship definitely changed. We are still friends now, but it took 6 months. And it will never be the same.

So if you do choose to go ahead with this, understand that it could go either way.

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by Adadls

I guess another thing that I forgot to add earlier was that he has never done anything sexual with any girl (except strip poker :P). Now I know this adds another dynamic to the whole issue of a threesome. She feels more comfortable knowing that he is inexperienced and that he won't have any expectations, but she also feels bad being his first.

Wow, that is another dynamic. And I personally wouldn't want my first 3some this way. If she feels bad being his first.....why does she still want to go through with it?

I would think you would want to find someone more experienced. And that would be my recommendation.

Mrs. NC

[Adadls]

Well, as I have said before, she's always been a tad conservative in the bed. Also she feels the need to perform at her best. I mean even considering this, she has ramped up her exercise routine about double what it was saying that she is determined to look her sexiest. I guess him not having any past sexual experiences makes it less stressful for her. She will not be ashamed if she didn't perform well. And as to her feeling bad, they have talked about it alot among themselves, and he and I have talked about it. Basically it comes down to as long as he is cool with it, for reasons that he has determined that makes it fine, we are cool with it. I understand having someone with more sexual experience will make it less anxious and nervous, but for this situation, it seems to suit her well. We have taken the advice and browsed the boards extensively the past few days, and it has given us a lot to consider. I will post back periodically with updates and such, and if we hit another sticky situation we know where to turn first definitely!

[slevin]

The fact that he has never had sex with a woman would cause me to put a stop to this with him. Regardless of how comfortable I might have been with having him involved prior to that knowledge. Guys tend to get overly attached to the first woman they have sex with and the longer a guy has gone without losing his virginity, the more attached they get to the girl from what I have seen. I'd be concerned that he would develop far too many feelings for my wife; while I might not be worried that my wife would leave me for him, I would not want her or I to have to deal with the drama that would come from the situation. I also wouldn't want to burden my friendship with him.

Additionally, I don't think a virgin is going to have the sexual maturity to handle a swinging situation. He may have the personal maturity, but there are a lot of emotions involved in a sexual situation and a virgin has never experienced that first hand.

Far too many things here that would concern me to actually go through with this. If your wife is open to the idea then look for someone else and explore it when you find someone that has some experience.

Either way, good luck and I hope you have fun

[Additude]

I agree with Slevin and others about this virgin. You are headed down the wrong road....time to put some brakes on.

But I only say that because, for me, I would prefer to avoid any complications, drama, sexual situational issues, etc.

I don't forsee anything termed "Bad" in my book happening to you, although your wife seems a little over anxious to me, but this is definately a situation to err on the side of caution.

You have so many other choices...why choose this path?

[N8ture Girl]

Originally Posted by Adadls

Well, as I have said before, she's always been a tad conservative in the bed. Also she feels the need to perform at her best. I mean even considering this, she has ramped up her exercise routine about double what it was saying that she is determined to look her sexiest. I guess him not having any past sexual experiences makes it less stressful for her. She will not be ashamed if she didn't perform well.

Ok, something strikes me funny here. First off you have to do what is comfortable for all invloved, but to me it sounds like your wife has some issues regarding performance and maybe self esteem....? There is nothing wrong with exercising and wanting to look your best and such, but the wanting a virgin so she wont be ashamed if she doesnt perform well....that just sends a flag up IMO. I think she has some self image issues that should be addressed first...

I also agree with the other posters about the not so good things that could happen when you involve a virgin..

just my .02 Good luck.