A newbies guide to getting started in the Lifestyle

[warrencouple]

From a newbie who hasn't made it yet...

This is going to be somewhat long, but it's hopefully going to help out other newbies avoid some of the issues that I and the wife have run into. Many of the things in here have been said elsewhere in the forums, but those thoughts are often buried deep in the bowels of other threads, taking either a concerted search effort, or a lot of reading (No offense meant to Julie, it's just the structure of a forum site) As I mentioned, my wife and I haven't made the leap into the Lifestyle, more like got in line for the ride, and then got out of the line. I'm not going to call (most) of what we did "mistakes," more like learning experiences.

There's, I think, really about three or four different "types" of couples when you look at getting started in swinging. There're the couples where both partners have swung before, or have had "adventurous" sex lives before meeting. There's the couple where one partner has had swinging experience in a previous relationship. You've got the couple who've never swung before, but both partners are ready and willing when the topic is raised. Then, you've got the couples like myself and the wife; the couples who've had limited or no sexual experiences prior to becoming a couple, who've only found out about swinging by research, and don't know anyone (that they're aware of!) who're swingers, who, while being adventurous with each other in the bedroom, aren't sure they ready to be adventurous around others. If you fall into that last group, trust me, getting into swinging can be a long, sometimes rough, process. You are also the people this is more aimed at...

First, and foremost, and posted by virtually everyone in response to the "we're new here, what should we do?" sort of question. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! Even if you tick off your partner, or you get ticked off at your partner, don't stop communicating! The couple times I've gotten into a snit, and stopped communicating with my wife, has made both of us unhappy. Remember, just because you're *talking* to each other, doesn't mean you're *communicating* with each other!

Next, be ready to accept the limitations of your partner. You may be ready and willing to screw someone else, they may be barely ready for being an exhibitionist with you. Don't push your partner! Let them set the pace, even if the pace may go from "moving forward," to "stopped," to "backing off." Your partner, and your relationship with your partner, should *always* be the first thing on your mind when discussing / doing anything swing related. You may end up being disappointed with what your partner is willing to do or try, remember that your partner is also likely unhappy with themselves for disappointing you.

Another thought, based on a recent blog posting by Julie, is, don't let your momentum slow. What this means is, when you decide to try going to a club (off or on-premise), or a meet & greet, GO! Don't get there, sit in the car a few minutes, and leave, or go in, get nervous at the door, and leave. Go in, say hi to people, maybe just people watch for a bit from the sidelines. But also, go back to the previous suggestion, and don't do anything either of you are uncomfortable with. Which means going all the back to the first suggestion. What happened with my wife and I, is, when I first raised the possibility of going to a swing club, she was very interested, and a bit nervous, but wanted to go. Well, we tried. We tried an off-premise, but chickened out (twice) at the door. Then, normal life started getting in the way, and the swinging fell to the side for a month or so. We finally went to an on-premise meet & greet, but by this point her enthusiasm was waning.

So, now, you've tried to bring swinging into the relationship, and either it hasn't worked out, or your partner has gotten cold feet and wants to back out, or you're now members at an on-premise club, and everyone knows your name (and about that tattoo). If you're in the last group, congratulations! Have good times, and be safe! If you're in the either of the first two groups, then don't push it! Let the subject drop. If you've both decided it's not for you, great, you've probably still seen improvements in your relationship, if you followed the first suggestion, and been communicating. If your partner has gotten cold feet, let it drop! Pushing him or her to keep going will only make both of you unhappy. Let the idea rest, your partner may surprise you by bringing it back up themselves.

But, while this is going on, you've gotten annoyed, after putting time and effort into this, sunk money into a few club outfits that can't be worn anywhere else, kept OKing going to the on-premise and then backing out, and s/he doesn't want to?!? How dare they! THIS IS THE WRONG ATTITUDE! Trust me, I've been here, and it led to a bad couple weeks with the wife where we were just going through the motions, getting more and more annoyed and upset at each other and ourselves. Why? We forgot the first rule, communicate! Remember, your partner was willing to give it a go, for you, even if it didn't work out, they tried. Look for other things you and your partner can do, together. Maybe, s/he'd be willing to try a (non-lifestyle) nudist trip, maybe s/he would take up one of your hobbies (golf, scuba, motorcycling) instead.

Somewhere, in the deeps of the forums, someone once described a person's sex life as an amusement park. You get your entry at puberty, and then pick and choose the rides you want. Some people stick with the flat rides (physical monogamy), some people head for the "freak shows" (BDSM, fetishes of various types), some people head for the big thrill rides (swinging, polyamory, etc) You and your partner at least got in line for one of the thrill rides, which is more than many people can say. Maybe, in time, your partner will be willing to get in line again. But, above all, COMMUNICATE!

One last note. Swinging, in any shape or form (voyuer, no-swap exhibitionist, soft-swap, full-swap) will NOT "fix" anything that you think may be wrong in your relationship. As the wife and I found, it will only highlight and exacerbate those issues.

So, to those of you looking at adding swinging to your relationships, good luck, and I hope it works out for your, for the best, regardless of whether that means you become swingers or not. For those of you who are already swingers, feel free to add your thoughts to this...

Jason

[socolais]

It sounds to me like you have it figured out. We started on this adventure a couple of years ago at a point much like you describe yourselves. I think what helped us the most with the transition, was continuously remembering why we got married in the first place. We're soul mates - two bodies with one mind and one core objective: to enjoy life TOGETHER. We rekindled the "honeymoon" spirit and grew closer together than we ever imagined was possible. We are each incapable of intentionally hurting the other and our greatest thrill is being with each other. I know it sounds corny, but it's real - and hot diggity damn, it's good. Everybody comments about how we act like newlyweds. Being generous with our passion for each other makes swinging fun and emotionaly rewarding.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Jason,

Your message should be engraved onto a brass plaque, plated with gold and hung up on the wall for all who enter the temple to see. An excellent story, an excellent summary and excellent advice.

~Michael

[Speed & Trixie]

Well said, Jason. The very best part about swinging is that Speed and I do it TOGETHER.

And nice to see you again!

Trixie

[warrencouple]

Originally Posted by Speed & Trixie

Well said, Jason. The very best part about swinging is that Speed and I do it TOGETHER.

And nice to see you again!

Trixie

Even not being swingers at all right now, the wife and I are doing things together, which is the best.

Thanks Trixie! Hit the blog posting I put up (here) for what's been going on, if you're interested...

Jason

BTW, IIRC there was a comment posted about a minor typo (forgot to put NOT in front of fix in the last note,) and someone (I don't recall who) pointed it out. I posted a reply to that, that was intended to be a sort of humorous / snarky reply. I don't think it came across that way (I worded it poorly, and dashed it off quick) I think the mods pulled both posts. I'd like to thank (seriously) the person who pointed out the typo, and the mods for pulling what could have become a flame war post...

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by warrencouple

BTW, IIRC there was a comment posted about a minor typo (forgot to put NOT in front of fix in the last note,) and someone (I don't recall who) pointed it out. I posted a reply to that, that was intended to be a sort of humorous / snarky reply. I don't think it came across that way (I worded it poorly, and dashed it off quick) I think the mods pulled both posts. I'd like to thank (seriously) the person who pointed out the typo, and the mods for pulling what could have become a flame war post...

It was me, and I didn't take it that way.

And, I asked them to go ahead and pull the posts, since they were no longer relevant.

[warrencouple]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

It was me, and I didn't take it that way.

And, I asked them to go ahead and pull the posts, since they were no longer relevant.

Well, then, thank you for pointing out the typo (I need an editor, I think)

OK, no problem. I noticed they were gone, and got wondering if my response had come across wrong...

Jason