a question for the ladies about jealousy

[thor-in-vegas]

hello ladies!

do you get jealous if the woman your man wants to play with is "hotter" than you in your opinion?

even if he reassures you over and over that you are the hottest thing in the world to him; does it affect how OK you are with the situation?

im trying to learn about what goes on in a woman's heart, so please dont just give me the rote, "dont take one for the team" answer.

if thats how you feel, then at least tell me why the other woman's looks make you feel that you are taking one for the team.

have any of you experienced ladies ever told your man "no" and given him a different reason when in truth it was because of the physical appearance of the other woman?


i hope i dont come off as callous or "piggish" by asking these questions to the ladies and not the men, its just that i am curious specifically about how women feel about this sort of thing.

thanks for any and all input,
thor

[The Fuse]

Hello thor-in-vegas,

As we speak, we have a date coming up this weekend with a couple where the woman is like a little Barbie doll, with smaller, perky breasts (which are better than Barbie IMO) and a devilish smile. She is very very beautiful and way prettier than I am. Mr. Fuse is just beside himself, because not only is she gorgeous but because they seem to be a fantastic match in other ways.

I admit, I tend to be a little more comfortable when the other lady is not quite so outstanding. I don't like this in myself and it's not that easy to own up to. When I realized it some time ago, I had to realize my feelings were not something to be proud of. But it's a minor thing. I just remind myself that no matter how hot another guy has been to me, no matter how excited I have been about him, that feeling has never even come close to a threat to how I feel about my husband. So since I felt that way, I think my husband will too, when he is able to be with someone like that. I know his character and I know that even though she may blow his mind, he will be absolutely loyal to me.

So no, I've never told him "no" because another woman was better looking or sexier. But if I felt less secure, I might be tempted to find another reason to tell him no, like you suggested in your original post.

I actually feel more anxiety over being able to please the woman's husband than anything else. When he is used to that at home, I just feel like I have less to offer physically, and maybe even sexually, because she is very responsive. Well I am responsive too, but... anyway, you get the idea. The husband does seem into me, and I know in my head that just being new and different from his wife is a big deal.

So yes, I admit to feeling a little insecure when the other lady is so attractive. But my insecurity is minor, so I just deal with it.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by thor-in-vegas

do you get jealous if the woman your man wants to play with is "hotter" than you in your opinion?

even if he reassures you over and over that you are the hottest thing in the world to him; does it affect how OK you are with the situation?

im trying to learn about what goes on in a woman's heart, so please dont just give me the rote, "dont take one for the team" answer.

if thats how you feel, then at least tell me why the other woman's looks make you feel that you are taking one for the team.

have any of you experienced ladies ever told your man "no" and given him a different reason when in truth it was because of the physical appearance of the other woman?

Actually, I think this is a very good question. And no, I really don't get jealous if Mr. Sweet wants to play with a woman hotter than me. And yes, he has played with women like this. I was very happy for him, actually, because I know what an ego boost it is to have someone that you feel is attractive return the interest.

Heck, before we began swinging, I'd brush it off when he told me I was sexy/hot/beautiful because he's my husband. He's supposed to think that. It wasn't 'till I realized other men saw me that way that I began to really believe it. I figure the same holds true for him.

And of course, however much he's "into" her and however much she rocks his world . . . he's still coming home with me. I figure if he still wants me after playing with Ms. Hottie, then I can take that as a pretty damn good compliment.

So no, I've never denied my honey the chance to play with another woman because she's "too hot". We're all in this for the variety, right?

=)

[TNT]

Originally Posted by thor-in-vegas

hello ladies!

do you get jealous if the woman your man wants to play with is "hotter" than you in your opinion?

No I don't. My self esteem and the confidence I feel in not only myself but in the fact that Ted thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, is just too high...there's just no room left to be jealous over a woman who I feel is hotter than I am.

Our last swinging encounter was with a young couple...the female half was extremely hot. I think I was more tickled that Ted got to play with her than he was.

if thats how you feel, then at least tell me why the other woman's looks make you feel that you are taking one for the team.

I'm not sure I understand this statement.

If it's a couple we're playing with and she's hot but he's not, I could then see how it may seem like you were taking one for the team but...if she's hot and he's hot, how's that taking one for the team? If it's a single female then definitely not taking one for the team...even if I don't get to play with her I'm at least getting to watch Ted play with her and help her play with Ted.

have any of you experienced ladies ever told your man "no" and given him a different reason when in truth it was because of the physical appearance of the other woman?

Nope. If there's a reason I don't want him playing with her I'm going to tell him. The only reason I can think of that I wouldn't want him playing with a woman is if I felt she didn't understand swinging...i.e. I felt she was hoping for something more to come about than just sex.



Teresa

[MRSfun]

I have to ask if this is a full swap situation dealing with the female half of a couple or a situation with a single female ?

I have different feelings in requards to the situation.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by MRSfun

I have to ask if this is a full swap situation dealing with the female half of a couple or a situation with a single female ?

I have different feelings in requards to the situation.

Ditto. that would make a difference for me as well.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by TNT

I think I was more tickled that Ted got to play with her than he was.

And therein lies the answer to this imho. Sorry for a guy to chime in, but we went through a bit of jealously a few years ago because I got really excited to be with a blond bombshell and didn't handle it right at a dinner/house party, meaning that I showed way too much excitement and eagerness for my wife to be comfortable.

Since then no matter how alluring the girl is, the right reaction, at least for our situation, is to not go overboard, but instead to play it cool.

That experience showed me that it wouldn't necessarily be how hot the other girl is that would get a wife or girlfriend jealous, but rather the guys reaction to her. Just my 2 cents.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by lizandtom

And therein lies the answer to this imho. Sorry for a guy to chime in, but we went through a bit of jealously a few years ago because I got really excited to be with a blond bombshell and didn't handle it right at a dinner/house party, meaning that I showed way too much excitement and eagerness for my wife to be comfortable.

Since then no matter how alluring the girl is, the right reaction, at least for our situation, is to not go overboard, but instead to play it cool.

That experience showed me that it wouldn't necessarily be how hot the other girl is that would get a wife or girlfriend jealous, but rather the guys reaction to her. Just my 2 cents.

Fantastic insight. So true.

[LFM2]

Do I get jealous? No, I don't. Like Teresa says, my self esteem and confidence is too high to leave any room for jealousy. He's not going anywhere except home with me at the end of the night. I know he loves me and still thinks I'm the best thing he's ever come across.

Dave absolutely loves to play with a single friend of ours once in a while. She's very responsive to touch and he just loves it. She's so much fun and I love watching them together! Why in the world would I want to ban him from that? I think I get more excited for our get togethers than he does. She is very, very pretty, perkier breasts, flatter tummy ~ you know... all those things us women worry about. I also know she's not after anything more than sex.

We got into swinging for variety. He loves women. Tall, short, big busted, not so big busted, it doesn't matter. He absolutely loves women! Swinging is a selfless act for both of us. I don't want him to miss out on those women he thinks are hot and he's attracted to.

[thor-in-vegas]

i would like to thank everyone very much for their responses so far.

everyone has been very insightful!

THE FUSE- i want to thank you for your honesty. you probably already know this, but real men find the individuality of every woman sexy. i for one find every type of woman sexy.

TNT- by "taking one for the team" i meant that if you said yes to letting your man play with her, but it really bothered you inside, that would be taking one for the team.

MRSFUN and JUSTASKJULIE- please tell me why you would feel differently if the person in question was part of a couple or was single.
i'm guessing its because the single woman might be looking for more than just sex, but isn't this an issue any time you play with a single female?
i'm curious why the woman's looks are an issue in this situation?

please respond, i feel i can learn a lot from your responses.


LIZANDTOM- thanks for chiming in! i have made that same sort of mistake in the past, and i think you hit the nail on the head regarding what would bother a woman about this.


thanks to all who've responded so far. keep 'em coming! (pun intended LOL)
thor

[sexcupid]

Thor....I think lizandtom did make a good point.

For me personally, it's not jealousy per se if I see my sweetie getting stupid over someone else. He's made comments/statements before about his preferences and what kinds of women he likes...and quite honestly, they are worlds away from what I am. I'm not petite, athletic, small titties, etc.

Not to say we haven't played with a few women that fit that description, but if he does get hugely excited over a playmate (particuarly if it is someone that fits his 'preference'), then it's more of a kick in the stomach kind of feeling, not so much a green eyed monster kind of feeling. Hopefully that makes sense.

So, if he does play it a little cooler...it puts me more at ease (even though I know that internally he's probably all "wooooohooooo!!!!!" and doing back flips ). It's hard to explain why that puts me at ease, but it does.

I don't really distinguish between the female of another couple or if our playmate is a SF. Unfortunately lust and other emotions are not rational and there is a potentiality for someone to get all goofy over a playmate regardless of their relationship status (and I think that goes both ways, male or female).

Just my .02.

[JustAskJulie]

Thor - after re-reading a bit of your previous thread: Ladies, if your S-O looked like Brad Pitt, would you be as willing to share him?

I think your wife may have a bit of a self-esteem issue, and I don't know what you do to remind her constantly of how beautiful she is or what you might be saying that might re-enforce her lower self-esteem. But, the important thing is that you have to re-enforce her self esteem on a constant basis.

If you really do look like Brad Pitt and have women fawning all over you, and she does not feel that she gets that same reaction from guys then yes I can see where jealousy would ensue. And it's not even about the women being hotter, it's about feeling like she is getting less than you are out of the lifestyle.

Perhaps you have a great personality to go with your great looks and perhaps she is gorgeous but is just a bit on the shy side ( I don't know you so it's hard to say). If that is the case then it might be important for you to tone your personality down a bit to match hers. Or it might be that you go out of your way a bit more to make sure that she is pleased within the lifestyle - since it's so easy for you to be. Never EVER make a big deal about how hot a woman is to the point that she feels you BELIEVE this woman is hotter than she (your woman) is. If her self esteem is low, she's already going to feel and know which women are hotter (and she might be feeling so low that even women who aren't really hotter appear hotter to her). It's important for you to always make her feel like she's the hottest woman in the room.

To answer your original question - I will agree with TNT - my own self esteem is that that I can handle my Pet being with any woman who wants him and I am as likely to approach her for him as he is (probably moreso). However, there are days when I don't feel as good about myself. When maybe he hasn't paid me as many compliments during the week or I just haven't gotten out enough. On those days I need my ego stroked and it really wouldn't matter how ugly the woman was that he was interested in, I would fee slighted because I NEED HIM then.

She needs you. Make sure you are giving her what SHE needs before you even consider giving it to someone else.

[thor-in-vegas]

thanks again for the replies.

JAJ-

you are exactly right.
my wife is beautiful, and im not the only one who thinks so. she gets flirted with as much if not more than i do. she is not happy with her weight, and that is affecting her self esteem these days.
she is used to being the sexy vixen that could have any man she wanted, and i dont think she feels that way these days. she is wrong, but its what she thinks that matters here.

its kinda funny the way marriage changes the way you define yourself.
before we got together we were both fiercely independent and both loved the attention we got being single.

now we both have to rely on the other partner for all that attention.

when you said there might be something that i am doing that is lowering her self esteem, i realized that i need to spend some time thinking about that and making sure that i am not inadvertently hurting her. thank you.

i posted this because i was wondering if this might be a reason my wife gets jealous when she thinks i am ogling some other woman, and i needed some female perspective on it.

because of all you smart and helpful folks, i have learned something very important that i feel like i should have known all along.

that its not just about how many compliments i give her when we are at home, but how much i need to be completely into her when we are out on the town or whatever.

i think many of us guys know that we need to make our woman feel like the most beautiful woman in the room, but maybe we dont realize just how many ways there are of doing that, and by not doing it, we are actually reinforcing the opposite.

i feel like i have gotten the exact perspective i needed and am very thankful to those who helped me realize what im doing and not doing.

my wife and i have never "swung", maybe we will someday, maybe we wont.
im not going to put much energy into thinking about that anymore, im just going to concentrate on making sure my wife knows she is the sexiest thing i have ever seen, which she is.

wanna know how much your advice has helped me?

last night we went to a swingers club for the first time, agreeing just to people watch and mingle a bit, and we had a great time!!!

the guys were all over my wife, and it was pretty hot watching her politely turn them down. LOL

i was turned on by her and was completely into her the whole time.
because she knew i was all about her, she kept talking the girls we were hanging with into showing me their boobs. LOL

there is no way that would have happened if she wasnt 100% confident in that moment that i found her boobs the sexiest of any ive ever seen.
which they are!!!

i may start another thread on some things we noticed at the club, but thats a different subject.

thanks again everyone, oh, and yes, we had some INCREDIBLY hot sex when we got home, and i have had to have her like every three hours since then! WOW!
later,
thor