How do you handle the letdown?

[Mobile]

We are newbies...maybe you should call us "pre-newbies" since we are just at the talking stage, but anyway, I wonder about something.

When my wife and I are having sex, some things that might seem incredibly erotic at the moment don't seem quite so hot after its over.

Do you guys deal with that? I mean, do you ever find yourselves thinking (in the heat of the moment) how great this is (with extra partners, etc) but then, as soon as its over, you find yourselves feeling a little ishy about the whole thing?

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- This is why it's important to know what you want and who you're having sex with. That being said, it's like any ride at the amusement park, some things are a blast, others are not as fun as you thought. The key thing is that you can always get off the ride. Or, enjoy the ride for what it is and learn and grow sexually from it.

Occasionally a lover will ask to try something different and most of the time I'll agree. Because sex can often be a very individual thing, it works out about half the time. Yet, I've never been afraid to say it's not working out with their special 'move' or technique. Then we move on to other great forms of sex .

The one thing I refuse to do is place myself in a position of having sex that I'll regret. I would see this with my 'vanilla' girlfriends all the time. They would have sex with a guy, even if it was great, would bemoan the man for weeks later. What an awful way to live. So it goes.

[sweet_tna]

Yep, it's kinda' like buying a new pair of shoes. They're cute as a button in the store, you love the way you look on you and how they'll go just perfectly with a certain outfit you have. But then you actually wear them one night, and you find out they're not so comfy, and by the end of the night your feet are killing you.

Sometimes something that seems hot at the moment, but when it's all said and done, it leaves ya' kinda' flat. The good news is, you can either decide to give it another go or decide it's not for you after all.

=)

[sexcupid]

Here's my take on it...as you are finding there are things in the heat of the moment that add to the excitement and eroticness of a sexual experience.

But the problem with the aftermath is that if it's something you are trying to make happen, it can cause a lot of anxiety. Who is experiencing the "letdown"? You? Your wife? What are your concerns exactly?

I like using examples...so say for example the dirty talk that night involves having you and 5 guys gangbang your wife to kingdom come and back...and the sex is just hot for the two of you that night, maybe she's hitting orgasm after orgasm or the bed is soaked when you are done.

Is your wife wondering what on earth is wrong with her for having such a strong orgasmic response to some thing most "normal" people would find appalling? Is she worried that you might think less of her for wanting something like that to happen (even if it is just fantasy/pillow talk)?

Are you actually having those types of thoughts?

Perhaps the "letdown" is anxiety over trying to move the scenario from fantasy into reality? Why not just enjoy the spark it's adding to your current sex life and see where your path takes you?

[two4youinswva]

Interesting question. I'll answer it by asking you a question (which may be totally off base).

Were either of you brought up with the idea that sex in general was something you didn't talk about, and anything other than husband/wife sex was the ONLY way it was to be enjoyed/endured, preferably in the missionary position?

I ask this because I think a lot of people out there carry this into adulthood, and, when they realize they do like a slap on the ass when doing it doggy style, or the thoughts of a MFM turn them on, the old repression of youth kicks in a bit and leads to unnecessary shame, guilt, and regret when Happy Fun Time is over.

If this sounds familiar, it may be a venue worth exploring and dealing with.
If it doesn't sound familiar, then never mind.

[Speed & Trixie]

Originally Posted by Mobile

We are newbies...maybe you should call us "pre-newbies" since we are just at the talking stage, but anyway, I wonder about something.

When my wife and I are having sex, some things that might seem incredibly erotic at the moment don't seem quite so hot after its over.

Do you guys deal with that? I mean, do you ever find yourselves thinking (in the heat of the moment) how great this is (with extra partners, etc) but then, as soon as its over, you find yourselves feeling a little ishy about the whole thing?

I'd have to answer... no. After Speed and I have been with other people/ swapping, we have not felt like it was "not so hot" after. (Now, we are Newbies also, and don't have much experience.)

We do, however, mention things that were great/ not-so-great to each other afterwards. For example, the other day we had sex (just the two of us) with me sitting on the bathroom counter -- we will probably never do that again! (At the time, we were just super horny and it seemed like a good idea, but there just isn't enough room! We even bumped heads once LOL) Is that what you mean?

Speed and I are always talking about "oooh xyz was so hot last time" or "can we try abc next time?" Of course, some things work out in reality better than others, but trying new things is part of the fun for us! We have never felt regret about trying new things or new people, but we DO usually have a discussion about what we enjoyed. Hope this helps.....

Trixie

[Trace Ekies]

In a slightly different vein...for some minutes after orgasm I have a feeling that it seemed hotter pre-orgasm or that I may have been too hot for my partner or partners. This lasts only a few minutes and is directly connected to orgasm for me. When I crash over that edge and into the bliss of the release it comes from my brain, balls, toes and every other nook and cranny and then my inhibitions fly up to a level well above what is normal for me. In moments they start to come down again and then normalize again within minutes.

I feel no regret or shame but I feel self-conscious about my wants and wishes and question my "normalcy". I think to myself, "did I go too far", "did I say too much", "do they think I'm a freak". By the time I've finished with these questions I'm beginning to normalize to my usual levels and the questions become moot.

In every situation where I had an orgasm the same thing has happened and in every situation the woman or couple have spent time with us again.

So for me, this is a regular occurrence. Is it a concern? No. Does it bear some thought? Not much. Will you reconcile it? Yes, but only with some experience.

What's most amazing to me is that a few hours later the "Heat of the Moment" hotness returns when I think back on it. It's not at the hyper-aroused level but it never fails to make me horny again.

I hope this makes some sense and is helpful.

Trace

[JustAskJulie]

I read your question one way initially but when I looked at it again I saw something different. So I don't know if you are asking about situations where you bring up fantasies during sex with your partner that sound great, but when you think about them outside of sex, not so much.

OR

If you are talking about in a swinging situation. You see a couple and they seem so hot and you decide to have sex with them then you realize that it wasn't all you made it out to be. Perhaps the person you were with wasn't as good in bed as you hoped, or they didn't look as good without their clothes on, etc.

If it is the first situation I posted, then that is why we always tell couples they should be able to openly talk about swinging OUTSIDE The bedroom before they ever decide to actually try it. Many things sound great when you are about to cum. There are times I think I could get my husband to agree to taking another cock in his ass when he's really really horny and close to coming. But, I guarantee as soon as he came he'd take it back...lol. For some couples, swinging is like this. It sounds great when you are sharing fantasies but when you examine the fantasy in the light of day, it just doesn't seem as appealing. If that's the case, keep it as a fantasy and use it in the bedroom, but take it no further. Enjoy the fantasy, you don't have to live them all out.

If it's the latter that I suggested, the question of getting with someone only to be disappointed. It does happen. What we do is talk about it afterwards and discuss what we liked and didn't. Would we give that couple another try? What would we change. At the worst it's a learning experience. But, usually there is something fun within it that we can share.

Some people do get caught up in guilt, especially after their first time. It sounded so great, they enjoyed the fantasy, they talked about it. But, when it came down to it there was a sense of guilt afterwards. Talk with each other about why you feel guilty. Usually you can work past that. Most of the guilt is based on the way we were raised (most of us) to believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong or cheating. If that's the issue then it's important to remind each other that this is something that you decided to do together and therefore is within your marriage.

[Mobile]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If it is the first situation I posted, then that is why we always tell couples they should be able to openly talk about swinging OUTSIDE The bedroom before they ever decide to actually try it. Many things sound great when you are about to cum. There are times I think I could get my husband to agree to taking another cock in his ass when he's really really horny and close to coming. But, I guarantee as soon as he came he'd take it back...lol. For some couples, swinging is like this. It sounds great when you are sharing fantasies but when you examine the fantasy in the light of day, it just doesn't seem as appealin

That's about half of it, but its EXACTLY half of it!

When we talk, inside our outside of the bedroom about this stuff, it seems really hot. IE...if we talk about it outside the bedroom, we'll find our way into the bedroom soon enough! So, I think that aspect of this is ok in terms of the openness and all.

But your example of your husband is right on the money...when things are at a boil, just about anything sounds good. But like you said, that can change quickly afterwards.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by Mobile

But your example of your husband is right on the money...when things are at a boil, just about anything sounds good. But like you said, that can change quickly afterwards.

Is it only immediately after cumming that this happens? Then 5 or 10 minutes later you're back to thinking it is hot? If that is the case then it's a fairly normal reaction; different chemicals releasing in your body after an orgasm and once they dissipate you're back to normal.